Tag Archives: halloween

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Rochester Gets Ready for Its 4th Quarterly Straight Pride Festival: the One With Costumes

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Human Punching Bag Costume

ROCHESTER, NY – It is that fourth time of the year again: Rochester’s fourth quarterly Straight Pride Festival, this time costumes.

Straight Pride Season starts in January and runs a short 365 days through to the 31st of December. However, the first big straight pride celebration occurs the weekend of or before March 17th, when straight bros from Rochester and all neighboring cities get together to witness the St. Patrick’s Day Parade and pretend that they are Irish, no matter how Polish or Italian their names are. Celebration culminates vomiting green beer and getting into unnecessary fights.

The second straight pride festival comes two months later on Cinco de Mayo, or May the 5th. It is unknown why the Council of Bros has designated the anniversary of the Battle of Puebla as a day for straight pride, but regardless, the day is designated for straight guys to dress in culturally insensitive outfits, recite inaccurate descriptions of the holiday, vomit tequila, and get into unnecessary fights.

Park Avenue Arts Festival is widely seen in the area as the jewel of Straight Pride Season. 2/3 of Park Avenue and its tributary roads are transformed into a giant open air frat party. There is junk food and beer and liquor and blaring music everywhere. Multiple games of Cornhole and Beer Pong are available to play on nearly every corner. One fortunate year, there were pickup trucks whose beds were filled with water to turn them into makeshift wading pools. Art kiosks are put up to give the illusion of it being a family event, but the real spirit of Park Ave Fest is Peer Pong, vomiting whiskey, and unnecessary fights.

Finally, we come to Halloween. Though the obligatory Fireball shots and unnecessary fighting are observed, this time it is done with costumes. The Council of Bros has designated this straight pride festival to be the one where they can dress as their favorite superhero of movie monster while vomiting Fireball shots and getting into unnecessary fights. The irony is that they often mock cosplayers for doing so, but because of the whey protein and iridescent energy drinks they imbibe on a regular basis, the CoB is immune to claim that they are crybaby basement virgins when they dress in costume.

Women have a myriad of choices for costumes, from “sexy nurse” to “sexy Ninja Turtle”. Anything is on the table for sexualization, even childhood cartoons and inanimate objects. Putting “sexy” in front of any noun is the Rule #34 of Halloween. The night will be filled with multiple events and costume parties, where “sexy” crayons and frat Ironmen will get together to party, vomit, and unnecessarily fight.

If you are lucky, you might find someone dressed in a grotesquely inappropriate costume, such as a radio host dressed as a sexual predator, or someone who bought one of the Bags o’ Racism® available at any of the pop-up costumes stores throughout town. You may even find a person in blackface as a 1958-1986 Michael Jackson, at which point the vomiting will stop, and there will be an actual necessary fight.

Festivities will start promptly at 4:00pm on the 31st, continue through the night, and result in multiple hangovers and call-ins the following morning.

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The Tragic Story of Pumpkin, the Forgotten Spice Girl

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LONDON, UK – The Spice Girls, who exploded onto the pop music scene with their 1996 hit “Wannabe”, are the all-time best selling female singing group. Their popularity in the late 1990s was meteoric, and after their break-up, the individual Spice Girls went on to continue lucrative entertainment and fashion careers. It is a rare happy ending for a group that burned so hot for such a short amount of time…except for one: Pumpkin Spice, the forgotten and most hated Spice Girl.

If you loved the Spice Girls, you may have forgotten about Pumpkin Spice, or Kaylah Chienne de Base, and that is by design. Initially embraced for about a week, her popularity waned quickly, and she has since been the butt of the other Spice Girls’ jokes. The source of the sudden change in attitude toward Pumpkin Spice is not immediately known, but she thinks that there may have been influence from the other Spice Girls’ boyfriends at the time. “They were all really into mediocre comedians who had a low-key disdain for anything they thought women loved”, Kaylah told us. “Around the same time, Posh refused to wear pink anything, and Scary burned her Ugg boots.”

Pumpkin knew that she was no longer welcome in the group when all of her scenes were cut out of the Spiceworld movie. If they couldn’t cut the scene, they digitally replaced her with an inanimate box of sugar and cardamom. She did not even know about this until the premiere release of the film, and she was devastated. Chienne de Base announced her resignation from the group to not much fanfare. To this day, To this day, the other former Spice Girls will not acknowledge Pumpkin Spice’s existence or membership in the group.

In 2003, Kaylah Chienne de Base cut a deal with a popular milk bar that masquerades as a coffee shop to distribute a drink that bears her name. The Chienne de Base Latte is a cup of steamed milk blended with 2 pounds of sugar and a spritz of coffee. At first the CBL, as it was nicknamed, was extremely popular. To this day, it is simultaneously the most popular and hated seasonal drink at milk bars around the country. Unfortunately, Kaylah Chienne de Base is not reaping the benefits of profits from the CBL. Due to a shady contract, not only has the milk bar not paid her for use of her name, but other companies, from milk bars to scented candle makers to even hummus and cheese companies, are using her name and the stylized flavor with impunity. One company even used the names of her dogs, Lemon and Lulu, to sell a new pair of black translucent tights that they peddle as pants called Basic Britches®.

Kaylah Chienne de Base, however, is broke. She was last seen rummaging through the trash of the popular milk bar. She was salvaging the discarded remains of her signature drink. She mixes it with street narcotics to make a substance she calls “cinnameth”. She claimed it was the only thing to make her forget the bad times.

As of this report, Pumpkin Spice cannot be found. She does tend to disappear near the end of the year, worrying very few people, but she returns at the beginning of autumn on a raging cinnameth bender that affects nearly the entire world.

 

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Parents concerned this Halloween about steep decline in amount of dope drugs and razor blades they used to find in kids bags

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ROCHESTER, NY- As Halloween draws near, many local parents have taken to social media to express their disappointment in the steep decline over the years in the amount of dank drugs and sick ass razor blades they used to find when inspecting their kids Halloween candy.

“Things ain’t how they used to be….back in the 90’s? I’d atleast get a pill or a needle, and that was on a bad day. Sometimes you’d get lucky and there’d be some coke AND a razor blade to chop it up with. The times they are a changing…Is Trump to blame? Hard to say”

Said Father of 3 Henderson Helmsly on his blog “Old white man complains about things.” which he started after feeling as though old white mens complaints and ramblings weren’t in enough abundance on the internet.

“One time I found a straight up katana hidden into a Baby Ruth.” He added.

Studies show that over the past decade the amount of drugs and super sweet needles and razors has declined over 65%, with parents getting lucky to even find half of a klonopin mixed into some smarties.

Many parents are wondering if it’s even worth it to celebrate this year.

Marsha Lyndon of Brighton had this to say.

“What’s the point? Halloween is a time to celebrate, get dressed up, take your kids around the neighborhood and trip balls on whatever unmarked pills you find in their haul. It seems like noone respects the tradition anymore. Very sad.”

 

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Local Man Wonders What He Will Mutter Under His Breath Tonight

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Rochester,NY- Johnathan Pascoe has had a very long day, he wanted to just come home, relax, maybe catch up on his favorite Netflix show and kick his feet up. Yet, something seems to be bothering him, he doesn’t know what he’s going to passively aggressively mutter under his breath tonight, there are so many choices sometimes, it seems as if a clear decision can’t be made. We spoke with Johnathan to see how he is handling this crisis.

“I’ve dealt with some difficult choices in my life, but for some reason this seems to be really getting under my skin. I mean my choices are unlimited, I could probably call my wife a “bitch” when she walks away from me, or I could say something from across the room to my daughter like “ungrateful brat”. I mean the choices are just so vast. Last week I my wife caught me saying “must be nice”. I really need to perfect the art of being a sneaky asshole in my own home. Progress, not perfection, am I right?”

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Conservationist Leatherface Quits Haunted Hayride Citing Chainsaw CO2 Emissions

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WILLIAMSON, NY – A favorite of the Williamson Haunted Hayride, the Leatherface Chainsaw Guy, quit this week stating “I want to leave this world a better place for future little leatherfaces.”

Leatherface (aka Scary Chainsaw Man) just cannot live with the guilt anymore knowing that as he pretends to cut teenagers into pieces, he is really cutting a gapping wide oozing wound into Mother Nature.

“Dick Chaney (nickname for his chainsaw) is a powerful tool and can’t continue to ignore that it’s unregulated two-stroke engine isn’t doing damage to our planet” says Leatherface (aka “That Guy With The Chainsaw”).

“I have spoken with COCKU (Chainsaw Operating Crazy Killer Union) about making solar-powered electric chainsaw’s the standard in our business but my pleas have fallen on deaf, leather-covered, and often rotten ears.”

The hayride will continue through October but could face a boycott from the Green Party leaning zombies claiming that their make-up includes toxins as well as palm oil which encourages the deforestation of South America and extinction of the Orangutans. Said one zombie “BRAINS!!!!!! Let’s start using them to come up with healthy alternatives for the future of our planet!”

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Rochester Most Haunted Admission Free Places #17: Wegmans Frozen Food Aisle

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Rochester,NY- As Halloween grows closer, here at the Inner Loop we have been bringing you a day by day countdown of the scariest places in Rochester to go that are completely free! Today coming on our list at #108 is Wegmans frozen food aisle! It gets a 9/10 on the spooky ghost meter! Wegmans as we all know is a giant in the food market industry, but little did you know how scary the frozen food aisle can be!

As you walk down the aisle of a Wegmans frozen food section, beware! You will see families staring upon the dozens of choices of processed meat and cheese products! Do not get to close to them, as these families are infected with what we call “Broken Family syndrome”. These families know nothing of real love or even worse! Real food! They scramble around their house mindlessly staring into their cellphones and ignoring the flesh and blood of those around them! They fill their soulless body with the food made from plastic and melted down Lego bricks! This kind of food is the only sustenance that they can live on!

If you can make it past them you will find another challenge lying ahead of you. The toothless sugar sucking twenty somethings! They only come out after ten o’clock, for their “sugar” fix! They will paw their disgusting hands against the glass looking for the perfect Ben & Jerry’s combination of flavors and disgusting artificial flavors that will sooth their cravings! These creatures are well skilled in the art of “suppressing” their feelings in order to carry on their daily activities.

These are just some of the ghoulish nightmares you will face on your walk down the Wegmans frozen food aisle! Try to survive if you dare! Be warned, not many make it down this section without inevitable facing their doom, or buying a digiorno pizza.

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Group of Teens in Minivan Sit Silently As Driver Gets In Argument with Mom

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Penfield, NY – “It was just a normal day for all of us,” Remarked Donna Schwibber. Donna was one of MiddValle High’s most promising students. She only smoked pot on Thursdays and Fridays. While serving as Valedictorian with a 3.2 average, she also advocates an extra hour bikini time on her dad’s boat, and raising the minimum allowances to $50 per 1000 Instagram likes.

“I was Messenger chatting with my Social Media Manager and he was saying that if my followers don’t get me trending by next Wednesday, then Jenna Marbles was more likely to present for ‘The Social Media King’ category on the Teen Choice Awards. So I was like ‘Why is God doing this to me.” She went on to describe the tragic horror that would follow. “Johnny just turned 18. And his mom and dad started fighting again while we were taking set photos with his dad’s DSLR next to their family pool.” That was just the beginning, according to Schwibber – Or Donna Sparklez as she’s known on Twitter and Instagram.

After being publicly accused of sleeping with another assistant at his financing firm, Johnny’s father decided to let his mother ‘Take all of my shit so I can just leave.’ He stepped off of the estate and drove his Porsche 9-11 to their cabin in Crystal Beach. Meanwhile, Johnny’s mother grabbed another bottle White Zinfandel, and told her son and his friends to ‘. . . get in the car because Johnny needs to learn to drive and we’re going to my moms house.’

“I didn’t really know what to do, so I packed up my lighting gear and put it in Johnny’s minivan and asked him to drop me off at my house,” said Tyler Rayban, lighting director that Donna Schwibbers manager highered for her photo shoots. “But then Johnny’s mom threw my cases out of the trunk and put her suitcase in. She said no one was stopping and we’re all going on meet the reaper. So I got in the backseat, popped a couple xannies, and started live tweeting like it was the apocalypse.”

As it turned out, all of the children and Johnny’s mother had accidentally ingested a homogeneous mixture of water and acid. The trip occurred the moment they pulled into Johnny’s grandmothers parking garage and left the minivan running. All information, interviews, and quotes have been taken from set footage, snapchats, and tweets recovered after the deceased were found.

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Rochester Most Haunted Admission Free Places #18: The AppleBees In Pittsford

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Rochester, NY- It’s that time of the year again! We know with the holidays coming up that everyone is a bit thin in their wallets or at least they left it at that dive bar because that hooker wouldn’t give them a straight answer. Here at The Inner Loop we have been working hard to provide you with the top 20 list of the best haunted places in Rochester, you can go for free! Number 18 on our list is the AppleBees in Pittsford! We are personally giving 8 out of 10 spooky ghost rating

Nothing says scary like  a Wednesday night karaoke night at the AppleBees in Pittsford! Step into the “spooky” dining area to find a fully staffed bar full of zombies! That’s right, watch as the bartender slips into a dull emotionless state of mind as the 10 o’clock happy hour starts to kick in. Look upon the servers, but be careful to not get to close! They are prone to transform into a werewolf like state if you ask them what the specials are to many times!

This Applebees is a fantastic place to take the kids for a scary good time! Just beware the many ghoulish things waiting around the corner! The devilish “food poisoning” is always waiting for anyone who dare orders a hamburger raw!!