The Tragic Story of Pumpkin, the Forgotten Spice Girl

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LONDON, UK – The Spice Girls, who exploded onto the pop music scene with their 1996 hit “Wannabe”, are the all-time best selling female singing group. Their popularity in the late 1990s was meteoric, and after their break-up, the individual Spice Girls went on to continue lucrative entertainment and fashion careers. It is a rare happy ending for a group that burned so hot for such a short amount of time…except for one: Pumpkin Spice, the forgotten and most hated Spice Girl.

If you loved the Spice Girls, you may have forgotten about Pumpkin Spice, or Kaylah Chienne de Base, and that is by design. Initially embraced for about a week, her popularity waned quickly, and she has since been the butt of the other Spice Girls’ jokes. The source of the sudden change in attitude toward Pumpkin Spice is not immediately known, but she thinks that there may have been influence from the other Spice Girls’ boyfriends at the time. “They were all really into mediocre comedians who had a low-key disdain for anything they thought women loved”, Kaylah told us. “Around the same time, Posh refused to wear pink anything, and Scary burned her Ugg boots.”

Pumpkin knew that she was no longer welcome in the group when all of her scenes were cut out of the Spiceworld movie. If they couldn’t cut the scene, they digitally replaced her with an inanimate box of sugar and cardamom. She did not even know about this until the premiere release of the film, and she was devastated. Chienne de Base announced her resignation from the group to not much fanfare. To this day, To this day, the other former Spice Girls will not acknowledge Pumpkin Spice’s existence or membership in the group.

In 2003, Kaylah Chienne de Base cut a deal with a popular milk bar that masquerades as a coffee shop to distribute a drink that bears her name. The Chienne de Base Latte is a cup of steamed milk blended with 2 pounds of sugar and a spritz of coffee. At first the CBL, as it was nicknamed, was extremely popular. To this day, it is simultaneously the most popular and hated seasonal drink at milk bars around the country. Unfortunately, Kaylah Chienne de Base is not reaping the benefits of profits from the CBL. Due to a shady contract, not only has the milk bar not paid her for use of her name, but other companies, from milk bars to scented candle makers to even hummus and cheese companies, are using her name and the stylized flavor with impunity. One company even used the names of her dogs, Lemon and Lulu, to sell a new pair of black translucent tights that they peddle as pants called Basic Britches®.

Kaylah Chienne de Base, however, is broke. She was last seen rummaging through the trash of the popular milk bar. She was salvaging the discarded remains of her signature drink. She mixes it with street narcotics to make a substance she calls “cinnameth”. She claimed it was the only thing to make her forget the bad times.

As of this report, Pumpkin Spice cannot be found. She does tend to disappear near the end of the year, worrying very few people, but she returns at the beginning of autumn on a raging cinnameth bender that affects nearly the entire world.

 

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