All posts by Michael Colòn

LOCAL GOOD NEWS

How to Publicly Fight With Your Spouse at Every Rochester Festival

Rochester, NY- Festival season is upon us and we know everyone can’t wait to get outside and explore the many festivals that Rochester has to offer! That’s why here at the ILB, we want to help out all the couples out there. We know as you’re wandering the streets during these festivals, you’re just going to look over at your spouse and think, fuck this. I’ve had enough. Here are some great ways of how to public fight with your spouse!

1) Drink an entire box of wine- This one seems like a no brainer, start your day off with an entire box of wine and there is no way you won’t have some feelings of resentment towards your spouse halfway through the day!

2) Live together for at least six months- Living together seemed like a good idea right? Welp, guess you didn’t realize your spouse loves to leave their underwear right next to the laundry basket or have a blind eye towards the dishes! This is the perfect time to bring it up while you’re waiting in line for some poutine!

3) Go to any festival- Anyway you slice it, no matter what you do, you and your spouse are going to fight, festivals are hot, gross and overpriced. The only reason you’re going to it is because you feel like it’s a necessary thing to as a couple! Who knows how long it last and going to festivals single sucks!

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5 ways to celebrate “cinco de mayo” with slightly racist undertones

Rochester,NY– The day is almost upon us! Rochesterians are getting ready to celebrate “Cinco De Mayo“, a day of tequila and tacos! We know everyone out there is going to be having a great time turning this Mexican tradition into something it was never meant to be! No worries! We are here to help, here are five ways you can throw an incredible “Cinco De Mayo” party with slightly racist undertones!

  1. Make sure to put a lot of emphasis on things like “Sombreros and making taco bell references”, nothing sets the tone for racism like completely dismissing a rich culture and replacing it with shallow ideas!
  2. Tequila, tequila, tequila! Mexicans love tequila, right?! Sure, you’ve never actually had a conversation with an actual person of Mexican heritage, but fuck it! This is the shit they love! Viva la Mexico!
  3. Play non-stop pit bull music. Is he Mexican? Who cares! He looks the part, make this easy and simple!
  4. Text your slightly brown friends things like “Enjoy the day buddy!” or “Don’t eat too many enchiladas!”. They love shit like that
  5. Straight up wear a Mexican flag naked and take a shit on the floor

Downtown Sticky Lips to Be Turned into Strip Club “Sticky Lips”

Rochester, NY – Great sadness hit the streets of Rochester when the news broke of the infamous “Sticky Lips” being shut down. But those in mourning can find some refuge that a new type of business is opening up in the restaurant’s old storefront.

That’s right, a brand new strip club called “Sticky Lips” will be opening up next month! The new owners told The Inner Loop “no, we don’t serve ribs, but we do promise a healthy dose of thighs and breast.”

We took to the streets of Rochester to talk to some of our fine citizens about their thoughts:

“Sticky Lips? That was my nickname in college!”

“Hell yeah brother, Tits and Ribs? Count me in!”

“Sticky Lips? I thought that place was a strip club this entire time!”

Star Wars Cantina Under Scrutiny for Cultural Appropriation

Rochester,NY –  With Cinco De Mayo coming up, people are celebrating Mexican heritage more than ever. However, some folks are not happy with the infamous Star Wars Cantina clearly taking much of their inspiration for their venue from the Mexican people. Here at The Inner Loop, we had a chance to speak with the owner of the Cantina, this is what he had to say.

“⍙⟒ ⟊⎍⌇⏁ ⎅⍜⋏⏁ ⎍⋏⎅⟒⍀⌇⏁⏃⋏⎅ ⍙⊑⏃⏁ ⏁⊑⟒ ⊑⎍☌⟒ ⎎⎍⌇⌇ ⟟⌇ ⏃⏚⍜⎍⏁, ⍙⟒’⍀⟒ ⟊⎍⌇⏁ ⏁⍀⊬⟟⋏☌ ⏁⍜ ⊑⏃⎐⟒ ⏃ ⎎⎍⋏ ⟒⋏⎐⟟⍀⍜⋔⟒⋏⏁ ⍙⊑⟒⍀⟒ ⌿⟒⍜⌿⌰⟒ ⎎⍀⍜⋔ ⏃⌰⌰ ⌿⌰⏃☊⟒⌇ ⟟⋏ ⏁⊑⟒ ☌⏃⌰⏃⌖⊬ ☊⏃⋏ ⟒⋏⟊⍜⊬ ⏁⊑⟒⋔⌇⟒⌰⎐⟒⌇, ⍙⟒ ⟊⎍⌇⏁ ⎅⍜⋏⏁ ⍙⏃⋏⏁ ⏃⋏⊬ ⎅⟟⍀⏁⊬ ⟊⟒⎅⟟⌇ ⟟⋏ ⍜⎍⍀ ☊⏃⋏⏁⟟⋏⏃ ⏃⋏⎅ ⍙⊑⏃⏁ ⏁⊑⟒ ⊑⟒⌰⌰ ⟟⌇ ⏃ ⋔⟒⌖⟟☊⏃⋏?”

Man With 2 Bird Tattoos Excited To Go To His First Expo

Rochester, NY – The Roc City Tattoo Expo is back this week and Steve Davis of Clarkson cannot wait. “I just got my first two tattoos recently and I’m excited to now be a part of this subculture.”

We asked Steve what the story was behind his ink and he told The InnerLoop Blog that honestly, he couldn’t decide what to get so he just told the artist “how about two fucking birds?”
In preparation for the expo, Steve told us he’s been hanging out at biker bars around town and is considering getting a Harley. “I just don’t have a clue who I am. Please give me an identity, I’m such a goddamn fraud!”

Man Not Sure If He Should Call 911, 888-8888, or Just Die

Rochester, NY – Today a local man by the name of Andrew Schultz got into a serious accident on Monroe Avenue. Luckily The Inner Loop Blog was on the scene to speak to him about the traumatic experience.

“This was very scary for me. I’ve only been in a handful of accidents in my life, but nothing as serious as this one. I have to tell yah, the scariest part of it was not knowing who I should call. I know calling 911 is generally what people do in this situation, but then I thought about those 888-8888 guys. I love their commercials and that jingle is so damn catchy. It was a tough choice, especially when I just thought about letting myself die. At least I wouldn’t have to pay back my student loans.”

Monroe Avenue Flower Peddler Switches to Kittens


Rochester, NY – This past weekend, a flower lady was spotted entering Monroe Ave. bars at
one in the morning. This wasn’t unusual, except for instead of peddling flowers, she was
peddling kittens. In a previous attempt to increase business, she had switched from live roses to
light-up plastic flowers but abruptly stopped after people kept trying to pay her in weed.

The flower seller was unavailable for comment, but we found a kitten recipient who was ecstatic
about her new friend. “I wasn’t going to take home the guy who bought him for me, but at least I
get to take this little guy home. I’m going to name him Tito’s Soda Splashhacran but I’ll call him
Cran for short.” When asked for her name, she vomited and staggered down the street with the
little tabby in her purse.


This new business model could be a hit for women in bars everywhere. There’s nothing special
about a limp rose from a Genny-chugging bro. We’d rather have the cats.