All posts by Michael Colòn

LOCAL GOOD NEWS

Local Man Who Doesn’t Believe in Coronavirus Definitely Believes in Josh Allen

Rochester,NY– 2020 has been a hell of year, coronavirus, the election, it’s been quite the up and down in feelings. The only good thing coming out of this year so far are the Buffalo Bills. Not a sentence I ever thought I would be writing about. So many people are believe in their victory more than ever. One man by the name of Stephen Harold has posted publicly that while he believes in Josh Allen, he does not believe in the coronavirus which has boatloads of scientific evidence, but he definitely nitly believes in man he’s never met.

Our country is so screwed

Genesee Brew House Unveils New Taste and Smell Free COVID Ale

Rochester, NY- Everyone is trying to capitalize on the Coronavirus outbreak now. Between ZOOM meetings, pandemic based ads, businesses left and right are trying to make the best of a dark situation. The news of a Covid outbreak at the Genesse brewhouse has had many folks concerned, but the brewhouse has come up with a rather creative solution. They have just announced a brand new “Covid Ale”, they promise the ale offers no real taste and no smell, creating a real authentic Covid experience. We spoke with the owner of the brewhouse to get his opinion on this matter.

” We are doing the very best to make light of a bad situation, that’s why we have decided to create a brand new ale with a healthy amount of actual coronavirus in it. We figured we’re going to lean into the herd immunity thinking and what a better way to spread it than to feed peoples growing alcoholism!”

Rochester to Use Mayor Lovely Warrens Lies to Fill All of Cities Potholes

Rochester, NY- Scandal is sweeping across Rochester as the news of Mayor Lovely warren being indicted by the grand jury. What has already been a crazy month is now going to get even weirder as we follow this story. The Inner Loop has been fortunate enough to grab a story that has yet been leaked to the public. The city planners of Rochester are prepping to fix all the potholes in Rochester by using the past decade of Mayor Lovely Warren’s lies to fill them up. This is what one councilman had to say about it.

” You know, we’ve never really had a proper solution to all the potholes in Rochester, it seems like cement isn’t enough to keep them filled for good. That’s why we came up with the idea of taking all the lies and non-sense Lovely Warren has been feeding us for so long and stuffing them down in the ground where they belong. Local scientists have discovered that her lies are more solid and uncrackable than any sort of cement we’ve used for the past years.

When we asked them if this means 490 construction will become less frequent they responded with ” LOL, no”

Mayor Lovely Warren Preemptively States That She Just Found Out About Mass Shooting

Rochester, NY – Mayor Lovely Warren has been adamant that she knew nothing about the death of Daniel Prude other than what the RPD led her to believe and now she’s using the same defense for the most recent tragedy hitting the city. 

Our insiders at city hall have sent us what appears to be an early draft of a statement about the mass shooting over the weekend saying:

I want to state that I knew nothing about the mass shooting but I promise to find someone else to blame about this. Maybe my secretary, maybe governor Cuomo, please just re-elect me, this is all I have.

East Ave Bars Criticized for Trying to Charge Protesters $15 Cover Charge

Rochester,NY- The eyes of the nation are currently on Rochester. Following the death of Daniel Prude at the hands of the RPD. Rocheserians have been protesting all labor day weekend demanding justice. Another controversy has popped up this past weekend, local east avenue bar owners are upset with the amount of people using their streets without adhering to the mandatory $15 cover charge.We spoke with the owner of one bar to get his perspective.

” I understand that these protests are for a good cause, but I’m trying to run a business over here. No ones coming into our bars, not that I really approve of how the protesters dress, but I think I have the right to demand money for a street I dont own to people I could care less about”

Cuomo Says Schools Can Re-Open as Long as Alcohol Is Served With School Lunches

Rochester,NY- Cuomo has officially declared that schools can re-open this coming fall. That being said, daddy Cuomo always has some trick up his sleeve. He just announced that if schools are to re-open, they need to be serving alcohol with their school lunches are they need to remain closed. These are his official words on this statement.

” Here in New York we are remaining vigilant with the threat of Covid-19. That’s why I believe the safety of our children comes first and foremost. That’s why each child should have a nice cold IPA with every school lunch. This will keep their belly’s full and their bodies nice and buzzed so they dont have to think about the horrific danger they might be putting people in by contracting Covid in those tight and narrow hallways. God bless NY and chicken wings are not real food.”

Kimberly & Beck Now Offering “Curbside Racial Slurs”

Rochester, NY- Racial tensions are at an all-time high in the country. Local radio hosts Kimberly & Beck have just been fired for making some unsavory racial comments on the radio. This is not the first time these “shock jocks” have been in hot water due to their comments. We have just found out that in the wake of their being fired, they have now announced they will be offering “Curbside Racial Slurs” for anyone who would like to stop by. This is their official statement on their new service.

“ We know that many Rochester listeners look forward to our daily banter on how people of color should act and why we as a white man and woman should always listen too. So we have decided to now offer curbside racial slurs. What does that entail you ask? Well, I’m happy to tell you. First, just make sure to call us when you arrive outside, please be wearing your mask (safety first!). Then when we approach your car. You just tell us what ethnic group you’re having a problem with and we will go on about a 5-10 minute rant of why they suck! This is a free service and we’re more than happy to do it. We just need an outlet to vomit our progressive white opinions.

RPD Plans To Recruit Charlotte Beach Brawlers To Help Quell Future Protests

Rochester, NY- The RPD is searching for new ways to ward off future protests and in leaked plans uncovered by The InnerLoop Blog, it appears they’re trying to hire the local brawlers at Charlotte beach. Here’s an unreleased statement from the leaked documents:

” You know, we have all sorts of anti-protest measures. Tear gas, pepper spray, rubber bullets. All of those are effective, but we believe here at the RPD that we need something that the people can understand. So we’ve decided to hire some local brawlers from the charlotte beach area to go toe to toe with these protestors down the road.”

Local Man Was Practicing Social Distancing At The Back Of Lux Before It Was Cool

Rochester, NY – Social distancing is the hot new word since the COVID-19 pandemic has struck America. Millions of people making sure to stand at least six feet apart whether they are walking down the street, standing in line at Wegmans, or even visiting some old friends for a bonfire. Everyone is practicing social distancing. One local man in Rochester is claiming he practically invented social distancing. Here are his thoughts on this situation.

” It’s just that everyone is so quick to hop on this social distancing hype and I just think it’s bullshit stereotypical American behavior. Constantly clinging to things that were cool before they started doing it. I spent years of my life at the back of LUX just hanging by the hammock ignoring every human being in sight. Wheres my medal for that? How come I don’t get any pats on the back for standing six feet or more from people for most of my adult life. Does it have to do with the fact that my parents never hugged me? Maybe.”

Local Man Unsure If He Was Arrested for Being in Protest or for Overdue Parking Tickets

Rochester, NY- A local man was recently arrested this past weekend while participating in the Black Lives Matter protest. This man has informed us that he’s not exactly sure if he was arrested for being in the protest or for the years of unpaid parking tickets he’s been dodging. This is what he had to say.

” When the protest started taking a turn I decided I wanted to leave, but next thing I know an RPD officer came over and arrested me. I was really confused because I knew things were going south at the protest, so I wanted to get out. When I asked the officer why I was being arrested he just replied “It’s been a long time coming”. I don’t know if it’s because I have a honda civic with a full warranty on it or because I want police brutality to stop. I guess they could be the same thing?”