All posts by Michael Colòn

LOCAL GOOD NEWS

Experts Predict Plastic Bag Ban Will Cause a 1000% Rise in Dog Poop on Rochester Lawns

Rochester, NY- The plastic ban is coming and Wegmans is the first to enforce it. Many are praising the grocery store chain for taking a stance in helping the environment and turning us towards a more “green” way of living.

That being said, others are saying that the consequences of this are already being seen. Multiple reports are informing us that the rise of dog shit on Rochesterians lawns is almost up a 1000% due to the lack of leftover Wegmans plastic bags.

We spoke with a local Rochesterian about what he’s currently experiencing.

” You know when I first heard of the plastic ban, I was pretty excited. I’ve always considered myself a “environmentally-conscious” person, so I completely support it. That being said, I have stepped in about five to eight different piles of dog shit this week alone. Sometimes on my front lawn and other times on the sidewalk! I think if we don’t take action now and figure out a way to pick up dog shit, the streets of Rochester will be overflowing with dog shit and chaos.”

Boulder Open Mic Audience Grateful Every Comic Has Asked Them “How’s It Going?”

Rochester,NY- Every Monday that rolls around, Rochesterians have the pleasure of going to check out some local comedy at Boulder coffee. Even though the mic is aimed primarily at jokes, some people are very flattered that the comic’s seem to actually care about their lives. We spoke with a local woman who attended the last open-mic.

” You know, I usually go there expecting dick jokes and mediocre comedy, but I was genuinely surprised by how sweet and sincere all the comics were. Every single one that got on stage asked us “How’s it going?”. I mean, my husband doesn’t even ask me how’s it going anymore. So for these mostly young, dirty men talking about STDS and being poor to ask me such a genuine question. It really make’s me love them, but I definitely will not be returning to that mic again.”

Rochesterians Look Back Fondly at the Double Rainbow in These Dark Times

Rochester, NY- Mother winter is here and she is a nasty bitch. The heavy snow struck Rochester over the weekend and everyone is in great mourning of the dark times ahead of us. Rochesterians have gathered together in remembrance of the “Double Rainbow” we all experienced last month. It brings a smile to our face while we face these trivial times. We spoke with a local resident about this memory.

” You know, whenever winter strikes, I usually just stack up on a bunch of weed and hang out in my apartment for about six months. Which is exactly what I’m doing, but now I get to remember that double rainbow everyone was posting about. It’s cool I guess”.

Breaking News: Bob Lonsberry Says Tops Is the Same as Wegmans

Rochester,NY- Bob Lonsberry has caused a shit storm of controversy, by comparing the “N” word to the word “Boomer”. The backlash has been brutal and swift. We have just received word that Bob Lonsberry has spoken again and is saying another controversial statement, he has said that ” Tops is the same as Wegmans”. The internet has not responded kindly to this as well. We spoke with some Rochesterians about how they felt about this and here’s what they had to say.

“Umm, is this something he actually said?”

“ This seems to be diverting attention from his racist behavior”

“ That’s a f***ing spot on comment bruh”

Local Man Not Sure If “Caution Tape” on House Is Halloween Decoration or Legit Crime

Rochester, NY- Halloween time is upon us. The ghouls and goblins will roam about the streets looking for candy. Fake blood and skeletons litter people’s front yards. Yet, for one man, he could not tell if something was part of the season or something very serious. We spoke with this man to get his take on the situation.

” You know, I can’t say I live in a bad neighborhood, but at the end of the day, we live in Rochester and god only knows what happens in this city. I was walking down the street and I saw some of that yellow caution tape around the front of this house. At first, I thought it was cute and a nice little Halloween touch, but then this part of me just couldn’t help but wonder if something really awful happened there. This is Rochester and I assume about two to three stabbings/shootings happen in my neighbors hood on a weekly basis I guess either way it fits into the Halloween spirit! Stay spooky kids!”

Update: This man was later arrested for trying to feed local children acid. Stay spooky kids!

RPO’s Prohibition Concert Triggers All of Rochester in Remembrance of the Loss of Ruby Red Kolsch

Rochester, NY- The Rochester philharmonic orchestra’s prohibition concert has caused quite the stir in the community. Some are calling the concert “insensitive” in response to the fact that is reminding everyone of the loss of Ruby Red Kolsch. The loss of Ruby Red was a big one in Rochester, with nowhere to go for the loss of cheap tasty beer. We were able to speak to a local Rochesterian to understand the feelings happening in the community.

” You know, I understand it’s just music, but I have to say I feel like the timing is a bit too soon, you know? I just finished off my very last case of Ruby Red two days ago and I don’t really think I’ve come to terms yet with the fact I have to wait a whole year for it. Having to listen to a concert about a time period in this country where alcohol was illegal is just too much for my heart to bare and quite honestly, I think I speak for all of Rochester when I say that.

Update: Here at the Inner Loop we have just received word that there will be a mass gathering outside of the RPO to have a candlelight vigil in remembrance of Ruby Red Kolsch.

 


RPO’s Prohibition

September 27th & 28th

Kodak Hall at Eastman Theatre

5 Signs Your Friend Chad Is Doing Blackface This Halloween

Rochester,NY- It’s that spooky-time of the year again! Pumpkin beer, apple cider, scary spider decorations. As Halloween approaches, many are already trying to decide what they’re going to dress up as! While costumes can be fun and exciting, others know that it can go horribly wrong. Sometimes people dont really think out their costumes before wearing it. Especially your friend Chad. We love Chad, but Chad doesn’t have the greatest taste in things. With that being said, here are 5 signs your friend Chad is totally doing blackface this Halloween.

  1. He says “Lib-tards alot– Yeah, any person who has to the word “snowflake” or “Lib-tards” to describe anybody probably doesn’t have the best taste when it comes to anything racial.
  2. He frequents Murphys Law– You know, that bar that for sure doesn’t have any “racist” dress code policies. Yeah, Chad f***ing loves that place.
  3. He has a confederate flag- The north won the battle, but the south won the war? At least that’s what your buddy Chad thinks.
  4. He has “Black friends”– So, it’s totally cool, right? How could he be racist with black friends.
  5. He lives in East Rochester– Yeahhhhh, so we dont really have to explain this one, right?