All posts by Michael Colòn

LOCAL GOOD NEWS

Kimberly & Beck Now Offering “Curbside Racial Slurs”

Rochester, NY- Racial tensions are at an all-time high in the country. Local radio hosts Kimberly & Beck have just been fired for making some unsavory racial comments on the radio. This is not the first time these “shock jocks” have been in hot water due to their comments. We have just found out that in the wake of their being fired, they have now announced they will be offering “Curbside Racial Slurs” for anyone who would like to stop by. This is their official statement on their new service.

“ We know that many Rochester listeners look forward to our daily banter on how people of color should act and why we as a white man and woman should always listen too. So we have decided to now offer curbside racial slurs. What does that entail you ask? Well, I’m happy to tell you. First, just make sure to call us when you arrive outside, please be wearing your mask (safety first!). Then when we approach your car. You just tell us what ethnic group you’re having a problem with and we will go on about a 5-10 minute rant of why they suck! This is a free service and we’re more than happy to do it. We just need an outlet to vomit our progressive white opinions.

RPD Plans To Recruit Charlotte Beach Brawlers To Help Quell Future Protests

Rochester, NY- The RPD is searching for new ways to ward off future protests and in leaked plans uncovered by The InnerLoop Blog, it appears they’re trying to hire the local brawlers at Charlotte beach. Here’s an unreleased statement from the leaked documents:

” You know, we have all sorts of anti-protest measures. Tear gas, pepper spray, rubber bullets. All of those are effective, but we believe here at the RPD that we need something that the people can understand. So we’ve decided to hire some local brawlers from the charlotte beach area to go toe to toe with these protestors down the road.”

Local Man Was Practicing Social Distancing At The Back Of Lux Before It Was Cool

Rochester, NY – Social distancing is the hot new word since the COVID-19 pandemic has struck America. Millions of people making sure to stand at least six feet apart whether they are walking down the street, standing in line at Wegmans, or even visiting some old friends for a bonfire. Everyone is practicing social distancing. One local man in Rochester is claiming he practically invented social distancing. Here are his thoughts on this situation.

” It’s just that everyone is so quick to hop on this social distancing hype and I just think it’s bullshit stereotypical American behavior. Constantly clinging to things that were cool before they started doing it. I spent years of my life at the back of LUX just hanging by the hammock ignoring every human being in sight. Wheres my medal for that? How come I don’t get any pats on the back for standing six feet or more from people for most of my adult life. Does it have to do with the fact that my parents never hugged me? Maybe.”

Local Man Unsure If He Was Arrested for Being in Protest or for Overdue Parking Tickets

Rochester, NY- A local man was recently arrested this past weekend while participating in the Black Lives Matter protest. This man has informed us that he’s not exactly sure if he was arrested for being in the protest or for the years of unpaid parking tickets he’s been dodging. This is what he had to say.

” When the protest started taking a turn I decided I wanted to leave, but next thing I know an RPD officer came over and arrested me. I was really confused because I knew things were going south at the protest, so I wanted to get out. When I asked the officer why I was being arrested he just replied “It’s been a long time coming”. I don’t know if it’s because I have a honda civic with a full warranty on it or because I want police brutality to stop. I guess they could be the same thing?”

RPD Recruit Meets Annual Quota of Beating Innocent People in One Day

Rochester,NY- The Black Lives Matter protest was in full effect this weekend. The protest took a violent turn leading to a night of chaos in the city. The only good news to be found is one local RPD recruit was notified he just met his yearly quota of beating innocent people in one night. We got to speak with the recruit to get his feelings on it.

” You know, being a fresh fish on the RPD I was told that it would take some effort to meet this quota. They encouraged me to try to pull over people for jaywalking, get in their face a little bit, then beat them down for practically nothing. That would help me fulfill this quota. Last night was the jackpot, innocent people trying to protest their cause was the perfect fuel for me to just come swinging in out of nowhere.”

Rochester Receives A+ Rating for Crime and Binge Eating

Rochester, NY – While Rochester has recently scored a D- rating for practicing social distancing, we can rest assured that our great city is still making strides in other areas.

We’ve just received word that Rochester has been granted an A+ rating for crime and binge eating.  This is an honor for a city that was once known for Kodak and Arthur Shawcross.

If Rochesterians know how to do anything right, it’s being able to get murdered at any moment and eating ourselves to the point of extinction with a greasy platter filled with carbs and shame.

Charlotte Beach to Install MMA Octagons for General Public Use

Rochester, NY – Rochester residents are dying to get outside with the Quarantine slowly lifting over the next few weeks. That being said, most Rochesterians are carrying with them a lot of rage after being forced to stay indoors for the past two months. Charlotte beach has been a hotspot for the past few years for brawls to break out. This past Memorial Day a fifty person plus brawl broke out creating a chaotic scene.

The City Council has seen this as a prime opportunity to take advantage of this chaos and has made the announcement of installing a professional “MMA” fighters cage for the general public to just duke it out. Don’t like the way that guy smiled at you? Take it to the cage! Some guys vape annoying you? Take it to the cage! Are you slightly racist? Take it to the cage!

South Wedge Woman Unsure If She Wants Some Tea or to Ever Feel Loved Again

Rochester, NY- We’re coming into the second month of the quarantine and many people are becoming uneasy. Shops are closed, the only form of entertainment we have left is going to Trader Joe’s to see how long the line is.

Leslie Wyatt who lives in the South Wedge area of Rochester is trying to enjoy her time in isolation. She’s labeled herself as the “Queen” of introverts. She’s currently stuck in a predicament of sorts. Leslie has been craving a nice cup of chamomile tea. The only issue is Leslie doesn’t know if she’s really craving a cup of tea or if she’s just longing for the love of another human being. We were able to grab an exclusive interview with Leslie., this is what she had to say.

” I’ve always been able to be on my own and I decided pretty early on that I never really needed anyone else. Ever since opening up my at-home crystal, tarot card, and yoga studio. I’ve never really felt the need of having another human being by my side. I think having five to twelve cats is about the size of a normal human being. So I find it bizarre that as of lately, I have found myself really craving another person or just someone who would touch me in any way. I always just assumed drinking my tea was the same feeling as being loved by someone else. I’ll see what my crystals have to say about this. I’m sure it’s all just a misunderstanding.

Greece Named Best Place to Raise a Family

Rochester, NY- Here at the OUTER LOOP BLOG, we have some things we need to get off our chest. Now that those losers who we’re running this S***! Anyways, people have been hating on Greece for a long time and the jokes on them! Recent studies done by my famz and homeboyz in Greece have determined that Greece is actually the best place to raise a family. Especially if you weren’t expecting that family to begin with! #weararubber #GREECE4LIFE #VAPELIFE

Study: East Rochester Residents Are Immune to Coronavirus Due to Horrible Living Standards for Decades

Rochester, NY – With paranoia growing of the ever-looming coronavirus spreading across the globe. Many countries and cities are taking extreme measures to protect themselves from this new and deadly virus.

Luckily for the residents of East Rochester, scientists have just discovered that they are actually immune to this deadly virus just due to years of poor overall hygiene and cleanliness.