All posts by Michael Colòn

LOCAL GOOD NEWS

Kodak Commits to Increased Smokestack Emissions While Vowing to Keep Employment Low

Rochester,NY- At a press conference today it was announced that Kodak would be ramping up its nationally recognized smokestack output for the 2nd half of 2019 while maintaining its historically low employment rate.

Kodak president Jim Incompetenza made the announcement Monday while standing in front of Eastman Kodak Business Park. 

“We at Kodak view the handing over of our industry to the Japanese while laying off thousands of local workers as only one of many important steps that we feel honor the Kodak legacy that your parents and grandparents spent decades building,” the new president told an eager crowd.

“Just because we threw our competitive advantage away by ignoring easily visible market trends and turning the Kodak story into a cautionary tale at most business schools…doesn’t mean we we’re about to give up our rank as Rochester’s number one polluter,” Incompetenza said while gesturing behind him to the caustic Soviet Era pipework monstrosity that looked like a place Dr. Robotnik would live.  

“We’re also renewing our efforts to make Lake Ontario un-swimmable” he added. “And we’re gonna fuck up the Genesee river pretty bad too.”

For years, the rich industrial tableau of white plume belching smokestacks, long considered the jewel of the Greece skyline, has both mesmerized residents of the former company town and kept them wondering what exactly Kodak actually makes these days. (Others, working two low wage service jobs, have not summoned the mental resources to ponder the question.) 

Addressing this question directly, Incompetenza rummaged for a few moments under the podium. “Behold folks: the 2019 Kodak Hollywood film reel is complete!” he said, producing and holding above his head the single product. “I think they said it’s got Fast and Furious 12 on it!” A toxic green chemical cloud was ejected into the air as the crowd broke into applause.

Guest Writer- Derek Degraad

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New Cereal Throwing Bar to Open up in East Ave Wegmans Parking Lot

Rochester,NY- The cereal bar is on the rise along with Axe throwing bars and there isn’t a damn thing us Rochesterians can do about it. With Morgans Cereal bar opening up right across from POPROC, it only makes sense that someone came up with the genius idea to open up a “Cereal throwing bar” right on east ave as well. The new bar will be opening in east ave Wegmans parking lot this fall. We had a chance to speak with the owner about why he chose this business.

” You know, I saw all these new businesses emerging, between the Axe throwing bar, the cereal bars. I thought to myself, why hasn’t anyone combined the two? It seems like a no brainer, people love cereal and people love getting their inner rage out. So, I’m happy to bring this idea to Rochester and help people live out their dreams of throwing a bow of cocoa puffs in someones face. Now I haven’t confirmed I can open up this location in the Wegmans parking lot, but honestly at this point in Rochester, it seems you can open up a business wherever the fuck you want and no one cares. YOLO

Tornado Hits Rochester, Only Destroys South Wedge Trailer Park Bar

Rochester, NY – With Tropical weather patterns hitting Rochester lately, it’s no surprise we have received word that a tornado has landed in the south wedge.

Surprisingly enough, there have been no injuries, casualties and most of the building remains intact, except for the “Beer Park”, the infamous trailer park themed bar.

We spoke with some local residents to get their take on the situation and this is one of the responses. “The bar that’s making fun of trailer park culture got taken out? Cool. Fuck that place”

Park Ave Fest to Interrupt With Usual Order of Drunk Men Pissing on Your Lawn

Rochester,NY- The park ave festival is only a few weeks away and here at the Inner Loop, we hate to break the news that the festivities of Park Ave festival are going to interfere with the usual weekend routine of drunk college kids pissing on your front lawn at two in the morning on the weekends.

We know what you’re thinking, “WHAT AM I TO DO”. Well have no fear, these men pissing on your lawn will only be slightly different from the men who usually piss on your lawn. They will have dried funnel cake vomit on the bottoms of their pants and we’re sure they’ll have at least one to two bags of cocaine on their persons!

Red Wings Rainbow Fireworks Display Triggers Everyone’s Grandpa

Rochester,NY- July 4th is around the corner and everyone is making their plans. Some will go to Charlotte beach to the sound of children screaming because a needle is in their foot. Others will get drunk one east ave and scream racial slurs in the name of “America”.

Others will be going to a Red Wings game and enjoy their brand new rainbow fireworks display in honor of pride month and supporting the LGBTQ community! While this beautiful moment will be enjoyed by most people, we here at the Inner Loop are sad to announce that everyone’s grandpa will be completely triggered out of their bigoted skulls at this idea.

We have no doubt you will hear such things as “I dont understand why we have to promote this lifestyle”, or my personal favorite “Why can we have a straight pride month”. These grandpas will moan and shout, but thankfully their bigotry will be drowned out by fireworks that will surely set of their PTSD from the war. Goodbye old bigoted grandpas, it was never fun and the world is a better place without you.

4 Signs Your Mom Is Fantasizing About Jeff Goldblum While Banging Your Dad

Rochester, NY- The jazz festival is here and the people of Rochester are out and about, enjoying the wonderful sounds and all the events happening while sipping their mandatory cup of Javas coffee! Movie star and infamous “daddy” to all the ladies out there, Jeff Goldblum is set to the take stage this year at the Jazz Festival and hype is abound. That’s why here at the Inner Loop we have taken the time out of our day to give you five signs that your mom (yes, your sweet mother) is totally fantasizing about banging Jeff Goldblum Aka “The Real Daddy”, while banging your dad!

1)Quotes Jurassic Park- If your mother has ever said any of these following quotes while riding your father, she’s probably not in the same bedroom as your dad. Maybe you think ( or don’t want to think) sweet old mom saying “Uh, must go faster” while on top of your father is just a nice act of affection, WRONG. She’s totally thinking of that silver fox that is Jeff Goldblum riding a T-Rex all the way into vagina town.

2 ) Starts stuttering- Think your mom’s stutter is brought on by old age or a fading memory? Nope, while your dad thinks that your mom’s stutter is coming from the “deep” love he’s giving her, it’s really just her thinking of Jeff Goldblum asking her if she could “Uh, ride, that thing, like, uh, her, life, uh, depended on it.” Sorry pops.

3) Plays Independence day on repeat– You think they’re playing Independence day to cover the noise of their lovemaking so your precious ears don’t hear it? Yeah right, your mom is completely numbing out any other noise in the room to hone in on the sweet sultry voice of Jeff Goldblum talking about killing aliens with CD- ROMs or whatever.

4) Won’t stop calling him Jeff- Your mom doesn’t care at this point, she’s 45, both her kids have gone off to college and she hasn’t found your father attractive since Vietnam. She’s calling Mr. Jeff daddy all the way until the roosters come home and your dad doesn’t care because at least he’s getting laid.

Ghost of TILT Nightclub Cage Dancer Seen Waving Pride Flag

Rochester, NY – With Pride month in full effect, it’s only fitting to mourn the loss of the wonderful “Tilt” nightclub that sadly closed last year.

We have received multiple reports that the spirit of a former Tilt nightclub cage dancer has been seen joyously waving the pride flag down the streets of East Avenue.

The ghost has also reported having a Grindr account. Even ghosts need love too people!