All posts by Michael Colòn

LOCAL GOOD NEWS

Greece Man Excited to Be Known as Small Business Owner Instead of Drug Dealer

Rochester,NY- Today the state of NY celebrated the legalization of Marijuana. Governor Andrew Cuomo has officially signed the bill off and marijuana will start being legally sold this September. The citizens of Rochester are thrilled by the news and cant wait to start purchasing weed legally. One local man in Greece has expressed his excitement in this news. We reached out to him to get his thoughts.

” You know, I always knew this day would come. I cant tell you how excited I am. I feel like I wont be known as a failure among my family anymore. I’m proud to say that starting today I will be known as an “Young Professional business owner”, instead of “The guy who lives in the apartment duplex who definitely skimps on my bags of weed”. I really feel like life is turning around for me.

Bob Lonsberry, Papa John and Jeremy Kappell Announce New Podcast

Rochester, NY – Hot off the press of Papa John announcing his “struggle” to stop saying the N-word. A new trio has just announced starting a podcast together. Rochester’s very own Bob Lonsberry and Jeremy Kappell are teaming up with Papa John to star their very own podcast!

They said this podcast will focus on the struggles the white man faces with avoiding using racial slurs, how white people are being oppressed, and the overall lack of respect for white men everywhere. They said you can expect to find this podcast on whatever streaming service replaces Parler!

Donald Trump Pardons Local Man Who Got Beans on His Garbage Plate

BREAKING NEWS: With only one day left in the white house, Donald Trump has announced he will pardon a local Webster man who in an act of pure defiance asked for beans on his garbage plate. This in Rochester is known as a federal crime. This man was potentially facing the death sentence, but by the grace of Donald Trump, he is set to be pardoned later today. We here at The Inner Loop Blog have a neutral opinion on this situation.

He should burn in hell.

Local Man Who Doesn’t Believe in Coronavirus Definitely Believes in Josh Allen

Rochester,NY– 2020 has been a hell of year, coronavirus, the election, it’s been quite the up and down in feelings. The only good thing coming out of this year so far are the Buffalo Bills. Not a sentence I ever thought I would be writing about. So many people are believe in their victory more than ever. One man by the name of Stephen Harold has posted publicly that while he believes in Josh Allen, he does not believe in the coronavirus which has boatloads of scientific evidence, but he definitely nitly believes in man he’s never met.

Our country is so screwed

Genesee Brew House Unveils New Taste and Smell Free COVID Ale

Rochester, NY- Everyone is trying to capitalize on the Coronavirus outbreak now. Between ZOOM meetings, pandemic based ads, businesses left and right are trying to make the best of a dark situation. The news of a Covid outbreak at the Genesse brewhouse has had many folks concerned, but the brewhouse has come up with a rather creative solution. They have just announced a brand new “Covid Ale”, they promise the ale offers no real taste and no smell, creating a real authentic Covid experience. We spoke with the owner of the brewhouse to get his opinion on this matter.

” We are doing the very best to make light of a bad situation, that’s why we have decided to create a brand new ale with a healthy amount of actual coronavirus in it. We figured we’re going to lean into the herd immunity thinking and what a better way to spread it than to feed peoples growing alcoholism!”

Rochester to Use Mayor Lovely Warrens Lies to Fill All of Cities Potholes

Rochester, NY- Scandal is sweeping across Rochester as the news of Mayor Lovely warren being indicted by the grand jury. What has already been a crazy month is now going to get even weirder as we follow this story. The Inner Loop has been fortunate enough to grab a story that has yet been leaked to the public. The city planners of Rochester are prepping to fix all the potholes in Rochester by using the past decade of Mayor Lovely Warren’s lies to fill them up. This is what one councilman had to say about it.

” You know, we’ve never really had a proper solution to all the potholes in Rochester, it seems like cement isn’t enough to keep them filled for good. That’s why we came up with the idea of taking all the lies and non-sense Lovely Warren has been feeding us for so long and stuffing them down in the ground where they belong. Local scientists have discovered that her lies are more solid and uncrackable than any sort of cement we’ve used for the past years.

When we asked them if this means 490 construction will become less frequent they responded with ” LOL, no”

Mayor Lovely Warren Preemptively States That She Just Found Out About Mass Shooting

Rochester, NY – Mayor Lovely Warren has been adamant that she knew nothing about the death of Daniel Prude other than what the RPD led her to believe and now she’s using the same defense for the most recent tragedy hitting the city. 

Our insiders at city hall have sent us what appears to be an early draft of a statement about the mass shooting over the weekend saying:

I want to state that I knew nothing about the mass shooting but I promise to find someone else to blame about this. Maybe my secretary, maybe governor Cuomo, please just re-elect me, this is all I have.

East Ave Bars Criticized for Trying to Charge Protesters $15 Cover Charge

Rochester,NY- The eyes of the nation are currently on Rochester. Following the death of Daniel Prude at the hands of the RPD. Rocheserians have been protesting all labor day weekend demanding justice. Another controversy has popped up this past weekend, local east avenue bar owners are upset with the amount of people using their streets without adhering to the mandatory $15 cover charge.We spoke with the owner of one bar to get his perspective.

” I understand that these protests are for a good cause, but I’m trying to run a business over here. No ones coming into our bars, not that I really approve of how the protesters dress, but I think I have the right to demand money for a street I dont own to people I could care less about”

Cuomo Says Schools Can Re-Open as Long as Alcohol Is Served With School Lunches

Rochester,NY- Cuomo has officially declared that schools can re-open this coming fall. That being said, daddy Cuomo always has some trick up his sleeve. He just announced that if schools are to re-open, they need to be serving alcohol with their school lunches are they need to remain closed. These are his official words on this statement.

” Here in New York we are remaining vigilant with the threat of Covid-19. That’s why I believe the safety of our children comes first and foremost. That’s why each child should have a nice cold IPA with every school lunch. This will keep their belly’s full and their bodies nice and buzzed so they dont have to think about the horrific danger they might be putting people in by contracting Covid in those tight and narrow hallways. God bless NY and chicken wings are not real food.”