All posts by Michael Colòn

LOCAL GOOD NEWS

Spirit Halloween Opens New Location in Vacant Mayors Office

Rochester,NY- With news arriving of former Mayor Lovely Warrens departure, many have asked what is going to happen to her current residing office. Here at the Inner Loop Blog, our sources have just discovered that a “Spirit Halloween” store will be moving in temporarily during this time of vacancy. We expect the store to do poorly seeing as most of the people at city hall are usually wearing costumes year round.

Radio Social to Also Require Pittsford Dads to Stop Talking About Their Bowling League Days

Rochester,NY- With the spread of the delta variant, local businesses are now taking extra precautions with their covid protocols. Radio social recently announced they are now requiring proof of vaccination cards in order to be allowed in. In a surprise move though, radio social also announced that Pittsford dads will not be allowed to keep bringing up their bowling league days. This is what a Radio Social rep had to say

” We know the delta variant is spreading and we want to make sure all of our customers feel safe. After many hours of discussion, we also realized the amount of old men who wont shut up about their glory days in bowling and the one time they got a “turkey”. This is more than likely a greater threat than the delta variant could ever be. We want our customers to be happy and not get sucked into some obnoxious two hour rant about bowling from someones alcoholic father”

Greece Man Upset He Was Suspended From Marriage for Smoking Pot and Selling It

Rochester,NY- Local man from Greece has just contacted the ILB to let us know of his current suspension from his wife and kids following his controversial decision to start smoking pot and selling it. These are his words.

” I just don’t get it, since when did these rules exist? Sure, my wife has told me from time to time to “quit that bullshit and get a real job”, but how is this not a real job? I mean its practically legal everywhere now! Sure, it’s made in my shitty basement and doesn’t have any of the proper nutrients, but I’m making a living! Now that I don’t have any distractions, I think this is the perfect time to start me new career as a twitch streamer!

“This Heat Wave Is Awful” Says Man Who Lives in City With Worst Crime Rate

Rochester,NY- Rochester has been getting beaten down by the rising heat waves this past week. Is it global warming? Is it the ice caps melting? We don’t know and we don’t want to know if we’re being honest. One local man has voiced his opinion on the situation. This is what he had to say.

” You know, I just don’t know if I can take this heat anymore. My poor AC unit is being put to the test and I’m not sure what we could do if it fails! Getting to your local store is so much more difficult nowadays with all murders and what not, but I mean cmon! A guys gotta stay cool!”

Rochesterians Excited to Tell Federal Agents How Good the Garbage Plate Is

Rochester,NY- With news breaking this morning of federal agents being called into Rochester due to the high crime rate, Rochesterians are naturally curious about what this means for their city. The federal agents will be doing their best to help the RPD subdue this wave of gang related violence. Rochesterians have also expressed their interest in letting the federal agents know how GOOD THE GARBAGE PLATE IS. We know they’re here to help with crime, but cmon. The meat sauce? The Mac salad and home fries? Crime can wait for a garbage plate.

Greece Man Excited to Be Known as Small Business Owner Instead of Drug Dealer

Rochester,NY- Today the state of NY celebrated the legalization of Marijuana. Governor Andrew Cuomo has officially signed the bill off and marijuana will start being legally sold this September. The citizens of Rochester are thrilled by the news and cant wait to start purchasing weed legally. One local man in Greece has expressed his excitement in this news. We reached out to him to get his thoughts.

” You know, I always knew this day would come. I cant tell you how excited I am. I feel like I wont be known as a failure among my family anymore. I’m proud to say that starting today I will be known as an “Young Professional business owner”, instead of “The guy who lives in the apartment duplex who definitely skimps on my bags of weed”. I really feel like life is turning around for me.

Bob Lonsberry, Papa John and Jeremy Kappell Announce New Podcast

Rochester, NY – Hot off the press of Papa John announcing his “struggle” to stop saying the N-word. A new trio has just announced starting a podcast together. Rochester’s very own Bob Lonsberry and Jeremy Kappell are teaming up with Papa John to star their very own podcast!

They said this podcast will focus on the struggles the white man faces with avoiding using racial slurs, how white people are being oppressed, and the overall lack of respect for white men everywhere. They said you can expect to find this podcast on whatever streaming service replaces Parler!

Donald Trump Pardons Local Man Who Got Beans on His Garbage Plate

BREAKING NEWS: With only one day left in the white house, Donald Trump has announced he will pardon a local Webster man who in an act of pure defiance asked for beans on his garbage plate. This in Rochester is known as a federal crime. This man was potentially facing the death sentence, but by the grace of Donald Trump, he is set to be pardoned later today. We here at The Inner Loop Blog have a neutral opinion on this situation.

He should burn in hell.