All posts by Michael Colòn

LOCAL GOOD NEWS

Rochesterians Look Back Fondly at the Double Rainbow in These Dark Times

Rochester, NY- Mother winter is here and she is a nasty bitch. The heavy snow struck Rochester over the weekend and everyone is in great mourning of the dark times ahead of us. Rochesterians have gathered together in remembrance of the “Double Rainbow” we all experienced last month. It brings a smile to our face while we face these trivial times. We spoke with a local resident about this memory.

” You know, whenever winter strikes, I usually just stack up on a bunch of weed and hang out in my apartment for about six months. Which is exactly what I’m doing, but now I get to remember that double rainbow everyone was posting about. It’s cool I guess”.

Breaking News: Bob Lonsberry Says Tops Is the Same as Wegmans

Rochester,NY- Bob Lonsberry has caused a shit storm of controversy, by comparing the “N” word to the word “Boomer”. The backlash has been brutal and swift. We have just received word that Bob Lonsberry has spoken again and is saying another controversial statement, he has said that ” Tops is the same as Wegmans”. The internet has not responded kindly to this as well. We spoke with some Rochesterians about how they felt about this and here’s what they had to say.

“Umm, is this something he actually said?”

“ This seems to be diverting attention from his racist behavior”

“ That’s a fucking spot on comment bruh”

Local Man Not Sure If “Caution Tape” on House Is Halloween Decoration or Legit Crime

Rochester, NY- Halloween time is upon us. The ghouls and goblins will roam about the streets looking for candy. Fake blood and skeletons litter people’s front yards. Yet, for one man, he could not tell if something was part of the season or something very serious. We spoke with this man to get his take on the situation.

” You know, I can’t say I live in a bad neighborhood, but at the end of the day, we live in Rochester and god only knows what happens in this city. I was walking down the street and I saw some of that yellow caution tape around the front of this house. At first, I thought it was cute and a nice little Halloween touch, but then this part of me just couldn’t help but wonder if something really awful happened there. This is Rochester and I assume about two to three stabbings/shootings happen in my neighbors hood on a weekly basis I guess either way it fits into the Halloween spirit! Stay spooky kids!”

Update: This man was later arrested for trying to feed local children acid. Stay spooky kids!

RPO’s Prohibition Concert Triggers All of Rochester in Remembrance of the Loss of Ruby Red Kolsch

Rochester, NY- The Rochester philharmonic orchestra’s prohibition concert has caused quite the stir in the community. Some are calling the concert “insensitive” in response to the fact that is reminding everyone of the loss of Ruby Red Kolsch. The loss of Ruby Red was a big one in Rochester, with nowhere to go for the loss of cheap tasty beer. We were able to speak to a local Rochesterian to understand the feelings happening in the community.

” You know, I understand it’s just music, but I have to say I feel like the timing is a bit too soon, you know? I just finished off my very last case of Ruby Red two days ago and I don’t really think I’ve come to terms yet with the fact I have to wait a whole year for it. Having to listen to a concert about a time period in this country where alcohol was illegal is just too much for my heart to bare and quite honestly, I think I speak for all of Rochester when I say that.

Update: Here at the Inner Loop we have just received word that there will be a mass gathering outside of the RPO to have a candlelight vigil in remembrance of Ruby Red Kolsch.

 


RPO’s Prohibition

September 27th & 28th

Kodak Hall at Eastman Theatre

5 Signs Your Friend Chad Is Doing Blackface This Halloween

Rochester,NY- It’s that spooky-time of the year again! Pumpkin beer, apple cider, scary spider decorations. As Halloween approaches, many are already trying to decide what they’re going to dress up as! While costumes can be fun and exciting, others know that it can go horribly wrong. Sometimes people dont really think out their costumes before wearing it. Especially your friend Chad. We love Chad, but Chad doesn’t have the greatest taste in things. With that being said, here are 5 signs your friend Chad is totally doing blackface this Halloween.

  1. He says “Lib-tards alot– Yeah, any person who has to the word “snowflake” or “Lib-tards” to describe anybody probably doesn’t have the best taste when it comes to anything racial.
  2. He frequents Murphys Law– You know, that bar that for sure doesn’t have any “racist” dress code policies. Yeah, Chad fucking loves that place.
  3. He has a confederate flag- The north won the battle, but the south won the war? At least that’s what your buddy Chad thinks.
  4. He has “Black friends”– So, it’s totally cool, right? How could he be racist with black friends.
  5. He lives in East Rochester– Yeahhhhh, so we dont really have to explain this one, right?

Couple Learns Sign Language so They Can Fight at the Silent Disco

Rochester, NY – Fringe Festival is in full effect right now with art shows, dancing, acrobats, poetry, and more. The much anticipated “Silent Disco” is also back and the tickets are selling fast.

Due to the nature of the Silent Disco, we have received word that a local Rochester couple has learned sign language so they can politely fight at the upcoming Silent Disco.

The following is the statement released on the couple’s joint Instagram.

We have been to the Silent Disco every year and the same thing happens every time. We end having a few too many drinks and fighting, as you can imagine, it gets awkward. All it takes is someone taking their headphones off to hear all of our dirty laundry. So we decided this past year to learn sign language so we can properly fight at the Silent Disco without interrupting anyone’s experience!

Also, it’s a lot of fun to sign things like you’re a giant asshole and I can’t believe I married you despite my mother telling me time and time again to not marry someone like you and I have been thinking about a divorce for longer than I can bear.

Kodak Commits to Increased Smokestack Emissions While Vowing to Keep Employment Low

Rochester,NY- At a press conference today it was announced that Kodak would be ramping up its nationally recognized smokestack output for the 2nd half of 2019 while maintaining its historically low employment rate.

Kodak president Jim Incompetenza made the announcement Monday while standing in front of Eastman Kodak Business Park. 

“We at Kodak view the handing over of our industry to the Japanese while laying off thousands of local workers as only one of many important steps that we feel honor the Kodak legacy that your parents and grandparents spent decades building,” the new president told an eager crowd.

“Just because we threw our competitive advantage away by ignoring easily visible market trends and turning the Kodak story into a cautionary tale at most business schools…doesn’t mean we we’re about to give up our rank as Rochester’s number one polluter,” Incompetenza said while gesturing behind him to the caustic Soviet Era pipework monstrosity that looked like a place Dr. Robotnik would live.  

“We’re also renewing our efforts to make Lake Ontario un-swimmable” he added. “And we’re gonna fuck up the Genesee river pretty bad too.”

For years, the rich industrial tableau of white plume belching smokestacks, long considered the jewel of the Greece skyline, has both mesmerized residents of the former company town and kept them wondering what exactly Kodak actually makes these days. (Others, working two low wage service jobs, have not summoned the mental resources to ponder the question.) 

Addressing this question directly, Incompetenza rummaged for a few moments under the podium. “Behold folks: the 2019 Kodak Hollywood film reel is complete!” he said, producing and holding above his head the single product. “I think they said it’s got Fast and Furious 12 on it!” A toxic green chemical cloud was ejected into the air as the crowd broke into applause.

Guest Writer- Derek Degraad