All posts by Michael Colòn

LOCAL GOOD NEWS

Greece Man Upset He Was Suspended From Marriage for Smoking Pot and Selling It

Rochester,NY- Local man from Greece has just contacted the ILB to let us know of his current suspension from his wife and kids following his controversial decision to start smoking pot and selling it. These are his words.

” I just don’t get it, since when did these rules exist? Sure, my wife has told me from time to time to “quit that bullshit and get a real job”, but how is this not a real job? I mean its practically legal everywhere now! Sure, it’s made in my shitty basement and doesn’t have any of the proper nutrients, but I’m making a living! Now that I don’t have any distractions, I think this is the perfect time to start me new career as a twitch streamer!

“This Heat Wave Is Awful” Says Man Who Lives in City With Worst Crime Rate

Rochester,NY- Rochester has been getting beaten down by the rising heat waves this past week. Is it global warming? Is it the ice caps melting? We don’t know and we don’t want to know if we’re being honest. One local man has voiced his opinion on the situation. This is what he had to say.

” You know, I just don’t know if I can take this heat anymore. My poor AC unit is being put to the test and I’m not sure what we could do if it fails! Getting to your local store is so much more difficult nowadays with all murders and what not, but I mean cmon! A guys gotta stay cool!”

Rochesterians Excited to Tell Federal Agents How Good the Garbage Plate Is

Rochester,NY- With news breaking this morning of federal agents being called into Rochester due to the high crime rate, Rochesterians are naturally curious about what this means for their city. The federal agents will be doing their best to help the RPD subdue this wave of gang related violence. Rochesterians have also expressed their interest in letting the federal agents know how GOOD THE GARBAGE PLATE IS. We know they’re here to help with crime, but cmon. The meat sauce? The Mac salad and home fries? Crime can wait for a garbage plate.

Greece Man Excited to Be Known as Small Business Owner Instead of Drug Dealer

Rochester,NY- Today the state of NY celebrated the legalization of Marijuana. Governor Andrew Cuomo has officially signed the bill off and marijuana will start being legally sold this September. The citizens of Rochester are thrilled by the news and cant wait to start purchasing weed legally. One local man in Greece has expressed his excitement in this news. We reached out to him to get his thoughts.

” You know, I always knew this day would come. I cant tell you how excited I am. I feel like I wont be known as a failure among my family anymore. I’m proud to say that starting today I will be known as an “Young Professional business owner”, instead of “The guy who lives in the apartment duplex who definitely skimps on my bags of weed”. I really feel like life is turning around for me.

Bob Lonsberry, Papa John and Jeremy Kappell Announce New Podcast

Rochester, NY – Hot off the press of Papa John announcing his “struggle” to stop saying the N-word. A new trio has just announced starting a podcast together. Rochester’s very own Bob Lonsberry and Jeremy Kappell are teaming up with Papa John to star their very own podcast!

They said this podcast will focus on the struggles the white man faces with avoiding using racial slurs, how white people are being oppressed, and the overall lack of respect for white men everywhere. They said you can expect to find this podcast on whatever streaming service replaces Parler!

Donald Trump Pardons Local Man Who Got Beans on His Garbage Plate

BREAKING NEWS: With only one day left in the white house, Donald Trump has announced he will pardon a local Webster man who in an act of pure defiance asked for beans on his garbage plate. This in Rochester is known as a federal crime. This man was potentially facing the death sentence, but by the grace of Donald Trump, he is set to be pardoned later today. We here at The Inner Loop Blog have a neutral opinion on this situation.

He should burn in hell.

Local Man Who Doesn’t Believe in Coronavirus Definitely Believes in Josh Allen

Rochester,NY– 2020 has been a hell of year, coronavirus, the election, it’s been quite the up and down in feelings. The only good thing coming out of this year so far are the Buffalo Bills. Not a sentence I ever thought I would be writing about. So many people are believe in their victory more than ever. One man by the name of Stephen Harold has posted publicly that while he believes in Josh Allen, he does not believe in the coronavirus which has boatloads of scientific evidence, but he definitely nitly believes in man he’s never met.

Our country is so screwed

Genesee Brew House Unveils New Taste and Smell Free COVID Ale

Rochester, NY- Everyone is trying to capitalize on the Coronavirus outbreak now. Between ZOOM meetings, pandemic based ads, businesses left and right are trying to make the best of a dark situation. The news of a Covid outbreak at the Genesse brewhouse has had many folks concerned, but the brewhouse has come up with a rather creative solution. They have just announced a brand new “Covid Ale”, they promise the ale offers no real taste and no smell, creating a real authentic Covid experience. We spoke with the owner of the brewhouse to get his opinion on this matter.

” We are doing the very best to make light of a bad situation, that’s why we have decided to create a brand new ale with a healthy amount of actual coronavirus in it. We figured we’re going to lean into the herd immunity thinking and what a better way to spread it than to feed peoples growing alcoholism!”