All posts by Michael Colòn

LOCAL GOOD NEWS

Mayor Lovely Warren Preemptively States That She Just Found Out About Mass Shooting

Rochester, NY – Mayor Lovely Warren has been adamant that she knew nothing about the death of Daniel Prude other than what the RPD led her to believe and now she’s using the same defense for the most recent tragedy hitting the city. 

Our insiders at city hall have sent us what appears to be an early draft of a statement about the mass shooting over the weekend saying:

I want to state that I knew nothing about the mass shooting but I promise to find someone else to blame about this. Maybe my secretary, maybe governor Cuomo, please just re-elect me, this is all I have.

East Ave Bars Criticized for Trying to Charge Protesters $15 Cover Charge

Rochester,NY- The eyes of the nation are currently on Rochester. Following the death of Daniel Prude at the hands of the RPD. Rocheserians have been protesting all labor day weekend demanding justice. Another controversy has popped up this past weekend, local east avenue bar owners are upset with the amount of people using their streets without adhering to the mandatory $15 cover charge.We spoke with the owner of one bar to get his perspective.

” I understand that these protests are for a good cause, but I’m trying to run a business over here. No ones coming into our bars, not that I really approve of how the protesters dress, but I think I have the right to demand money for a street I dont own to people I could care less about”

Cuomo Says Schools Can Re-Open as Long as Alcohol Is Served With School Lunches

Rochester,NY- Cuomo has officially declared that schools can re-open this coming fall. That being said, daddy Cuomo always has some trick up his sleeve. He just announced that if schools are to re-open, they need to be serving alcohol with their school lunches are they need to remain closed. These are his official words on this statement.

” Here in New York we are remaining vigilant with the threat of Covid-19. That’s why I believe the safety of our children comes first and foremost. That’s why each child should have a nice cold IPA with every school lunch. This will keep their belly’s full and their bodies nice and buzzed so they dont have to think about the horrific danger they might be putting people in by contracting Covid in those tight and narrow hallways. God bless NY and chicken wings are not real food.”

Kimberly & Beck Now Offering “Curbside Racial Slurs”

Rochester, NY- Racial tensions are at an all-time high in the country. Local radio hosts Kimberly & Beck have just been fired for making some unsavory racial comments on the radio. This is not the first time these “shock jocks” have been in hot water due to their comments. We have just found out that in the wake of their being fired, they have now announced they will be offering “Curbside Racial Slurs” for anyone who would like to stop by. This is their official statement on their new service.

“ We know that many Rochester listeners look forward to our daily banter on how people of color should act and why we as a white man and woman should always listen too. So we have decided to now offer curbside racial slurs. What does that entail you ask? Well, I’m happy to tell you. First, just make sure to call us when you arrive outside, please be wearing your mask (safety first!). Then when we approach your car. You just tell us what ethnic group you’re having a problem with and we will go on about a 5-10 minute rant of why they suck! This is a free service and we’re more than happy to do it. We just need an outlet to vomit our progressive white opinions.

RPD Plans To Recruit Charlotte Beach Brawlers To Help Quell Future Protests

Rochester, NY- The RPD is searching for new ways to ward off future protests and in leaked plans uncovered by The InnerLoop Blog, it appears they’re trying to hire the local brawlers at Charlotte beach. Here’s an unreleased statement from the leaked documents:

” You know, we have all sorts of anti-protest measures. Tear gas, pepper spray, rubber bullets. All of those are effective, but we believe here at the RPD that we need something that the people can understand. So we’ve decided to hire some local brawlers from the charlotte beach area to go toe to toe with these protestors down the road.”

Local Man Was Practicing Social Distancing At The Back Of Lux Before It Was Cool

Rochester, NY – Social distancing is the hot new word since the COVID-19 pandemic has struck America. Millions of people making sure to stand at least six feet apart whether they are walking down the street, standing in line at Wegmans, or even visiting some old friends for a bonfire. Everyone is practicing social distancing. One local man in Rochester is claiming he practically invented social distancing. Here are his thoughts on this situation.

” It’s just that everyone is so quick to hop on this social distancing hype and I just think it’s bullshit stereotypical American behavior. Constantly clinging to things that were cool before they started doing it. I spent years of my life at the back of LUX just hanging by the hammock ignoring every human being in sight. Wheres my medal for that? How come I don’t get any pats on the back for standing six feet or more from people for most of my adult life. Does it have to do with the fact that my parents never hugged me? Maybe.”

Local Man Unsure If He Was Arrested for Being in Protest or for Overdue Parking Tickets

Rochester, NY- A local man was recently arrested this past weekend while participating in the Black Lives Matter protest. This man has informed us that he’s not exactly sure if he was arrested for being in the protest or for the years of unpaid parking tickets he’s been dodging. This is what he had to say.

” When the protest started taking a turn I decided I wanted to leave, but next thing I know an RPD officer came over and arrested me. I was really confused because I knew things were going south at the protest, so I wanted to get out. When I asked the officer why I was being arrested he just replied “It’s been a long time coming”. I don’t know if it’s because I have a honda civic with a full warranty on it or because I want police brutality to stop. I guess they could be the same thing?”

RPD Recruit Meets Annual Quota of Beating Innocent People in One Day

Rochester,NY- The Black Lives Matter protest was in full effect this weekend. The protest took a violent turn leading to a night of chaos in the city. The only good news to be found is one local RPD recruit was notified he just met his yearly quota of beating innocent people in one night. We got to speak with the recruit to get his feelings on it.

” You know, being a fresh fish on the RPD I was told that it would take some effort to meet this quota. They encouraged me to try to pull over people for jaywalking, get in their face a little bit, then beat them down for practically nothing. That would help me fulfill this quota. Last night was the jackpot, innocent people trying to protest their cause was the perfect fuel for me to just come swinging in out of nowhere.”

Rochester Receives A+ Rating for Crime and Binge Eating

Rochester, NY – While Rochester has recently scored a D- rating for practicing social distancing, we can rest assured that our great city is still making strides in other areas.

We’ve just received word that Rochester has been granted an A+ rating for crime and binge eating.  This is an honor for a city that was once known for Kodak and Arthur Shawcross.

If Rochesterians know how to do anything right, it’s being able to get murdered at any moment and eating ourselves to the point of extinction with a greasy platter filled with carbs and shame.

Charlotte Beach to Install MMA Octagons for General Public Use

Rochester, NY – Rochester residents are dying to get outside with the Quarantine slowly lifting over the next few weeks. That being said, most Rochesterians are carrying with them a lot of rage after being forced to stay indoors for the past two months. Charlotte beach has been a hotspot for the past few years for brawls to break out. This past Memorial Day a fifty person plus brawl broke out creating a chaotic scene.

The City Council has seen this as a prime opportunity to take advantage of this chaos and has made the announcement of installing a professional “MMA” fighters cage for the general public to just duke it out. Don’t like the way that guy smiled at you? Take it to the cage! Some guys vape annoying you? Take it to the cage! Are you slightly racist? Take it to the cage!