ROCHESTER, NY – The St. Patrick’s Day Parade was postponed for public safety with respect to the rapidly developing public health crisis. However, Chadthony D’Umbro would not let something like a public health warning stop him from celebrating a non-existent parade. He put on his green hoodie, his “Kiss My Shamrock” belt buckle, and went out to everyone’s favorite Irish bar on East and Alexander. “No ‘social distancing’ was gonna stop me and my bros from doin’ it up this weekend”, said Martinsboro. “We’re gonna be fine! I’m not gonna do anything stupid!”, he said as he drank from the same pitcher of green beer that four of his friends just drank from.

Today, D’Umbro and his friends are in bed with what they are calling “St. Patrick’s Cough”. He claims that it is just a little scratch in his throat. “Everybody I know at the bar has it. It’s not a big deal! Just like a hangover, but with a fever!”

When asked if it is possible that he and his friends contracted the coronavirus (COVID-19), D’Umbro vehemently denied the possibility. “We were safe as hell! I haven’t had Chinese food in a month. I haven’t even kissed my Korean girlfriend, just in case”, D’Umbro announced. “I don’t even play my Playstation, because I don’t wanna catch a computer virus! I know how to protect myself. Besides, I wouldn’t eat any of the weird stuff like bats or eels like THEY do, so there’s no way it’s Coronavirus!” After saying that, D’Umbro scarfed down his third Scotch Egg, a deep fried hard boiled egg wrapped in pig entrails and bread. He is certain, he and his friends’ St. Patrick’s Cough will end soon

We attempted to contact one of his other friends about their symptoms, but most of them had died from the St. Patrick’s Cough already. D’Umbro is sadly still alive.