ROCHESTER, NY – A Bronx man and a Pennsylvania man are suing Wegmans for selling a product that had no intention of being the real thing. Jimmy Arriola and Quincy Steele are incensed that the Wegmans brand vanilla ice cream does not have actual vanilla in it, ignoring that most “vanilla” ice cream hasn’t had actual extract from the beloved Mexican and Madagascar bean, ironically associated with whiteness.

“I felt like a fool. All I could taste is carrageenan and the guar gum. No vanilla”, says Arriola. “It’s bad enough people call me ‘Jimmy Nips’ because of my last name. Now they’ll shit on me for this! What will they call me now? Vanilly Nips?”

Nips was too distraught to continue the interview, but a Wegmans representative gave a suggestion in order to avoid mistakenly ingesting food that lacks ingredients a shopper desires: “Turn the f***ing box around and look at the ingredients”, says Mark Burton, chief of sales and Danny Wegmans nasal powder service distributor. “It’s store brand ice cream, an artificially flavored tub of frozen sugar milk that you get to balance out the too-much sugar in one of our overpriced sheet cakes. If he wanted quality, he should have sprung for the Ben & Jerry’s”

On a related note, Quincy Steele is also suing Wegmans about their Moose Tracks ice cream, as it does not have actual moose droppings and hair in it.