ROCHESTER, NY – Just in time for Halloween, shock jocks Kimberly and Beck have released a new line of costume makeup called “Offenti”, the perfect final touch that is really just black shoe polish with a goddamn sticker on it. Put on Offenti for any of your non-controversial costume needs.
“Whether you want to be 1960-1986 Michael Jackson or Colin Kaepernick, or perhaps you just want to be like the prime minister of Canada, Offenti is the product for you”, says Beck. “Our Halloween makeup line can be used all year round for costumes, and it also serves as a great way to shine your shoes.”
Offenti is produced by the Kiwi corporation, the most popular shoe polish manufacturer in America. Each canister is painstakingly treated with a marker to cross out the “Kiwi” logo, and then a sticker that says “Offenti” is carefully applied. Every Offenti product comes with a complimentary list of weak excuses for wearing it, from “How is this racist?”, to “I’m just trying to be accurate”, to “bUt WhItE cHiCkS”.
Beck continued. “Since we live in Rochester, I expect to sell out of Offenti in a few days, especially in Greece and Webster! This will be a bigger hit than when we hit the stores with our Bill Cosby roofie/sweater combos and Weinstein robes in past years!”
Beck also warned that they are not responsible for hospitalization from wearing makeup in front of the wrong people. At the time, Kimberly could not be reached for comment, as she was busy misgendering a disabled teenager.