ROCHESTER, NY – A new law signed by outgoing Grand Moff Cheryl Dinolfo will require that police officers are afforded a nappy-poo and a baba any time they get an ouchy in their fee-fees. Said baba and possible blankey must be provided by anyone who has the audacity to ask that officers not break the law themselves or use excessive, disproportionate force against certain members of the population.
“The members of the Rochester Police Department are sworn officers of the law. We have seen a lot of rough stuff in our time on duty, and the general public is probably too weak to deal with our day-to-day”, said David Dukakis, a representative of the Rochester locust Club, a police union named after the type of wood that is used to make the batons they use to beat the shit out of civilians.
“However”, he continued, “If you hurt us in any way, like demanding us to take responsibility for our actions or accusing someone of stealing their own car, or take a picture of us beating up someone in a wheelchair, it hurts us weawwy bad, and it will make us cwy”. Thus, he implored, the need for a baba, and possibly a hot cocoa. Dukakis then sat in the corner to watch Paw Patrol.
Dinolfo insisted that this law is not a response to the success of the Police Accountability Board ballot measure that overwhelmingly passed in November. But she said that the police should be able to investigate themselves without outside interference, much in the way the Mafia lost its power by internally looking at what they were doing and eventually stopped committing crimes.
When asked who is supposed to pay for the blankies and babas for the officers whose fee-fees got boo-boos, Dinolfo said that there is will be a graphical metric based on who hurt the officer that is just a paper bag.