Rochester, NY – NASA Satellites are confirming that all of Rochester’s potholes have now combined into one “superhole” a category that has formerly been reserved for craters on Mars and some of the more promiscuous Kardashians.
Scientists are unsure what this means for Rochester’s future but speculate that when Lake Ontario floods Edgemere Drive again this year that is might seep into the new Superhole and create a nice stagnant murky water pool for children to play in.
ROCHESTER, NY – The shit has been piling up for Stacey Clark. Literally. One of the only parts of winter she enjoys is letting her Golden Retriever Rosco have his way with the backyard and not having to clean up after him.
“The key is to pick it up right before Spring” says Ms. Clark. “You want to get to it when the snow is thawed enough to see the landmines but cold enough to keep it frozen stiff. If you let it sit out too long in the sun you got yourself a mess.”
Donald McRonald of the Fertilizer Adaptation Rochester Tilling Society (F.A.R.T.S.) says that “dog poop is great for your garden!” McRonald claims that if you compost the poop before putting in your garden, it can kill toxic bacteria it contains that is harmful to humans.
After the interview, Donald gave The Inner Loop some Tomato Sauce he made from ingredients in his garden. If you would like some let us please write to us at TheInnerLoop@AOL.com. It pairs well with a merlot and a doctors appointment.
“I give up” said Rochester Man Hyun-Joo Suk. “To say the weather this month has been bi-polar would be an insult to actual bi-polar people who are more predictable.”
Mr. Suk is amongst the many Rochesterians baffled by the recent ups-and-downs of weather. “I gave up trying to dress according to the forecast since everything changes in an instant. Instead I am just dressing for all occasions at once.”
Suk’s February Rochester Wardrobe consists of a winter coat and hat that he says helps to keep his top bits warm when Mother Nature decides to randomly send 7 inches of snow down seconds after everyone was enjoying the 60° day. “The speedo is just in case I get invited to a pool party or we get a flood out of nowhere” said Suk.
STORY UPDATE: The Inner Loop has reached out to Mother Nature about her drastic environmental shifts and received this message:
I know that A Day Without a Woman is not until March 8th but I wanted to give you all a
taste of what Weather Without This Woman would be like. You enjoying it? I didn’t think
It’s true, the cold cold embrace of our yearly lake effect winter is drawing to it’s seasonal end, and with it many look forward to the end of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), which can cause severe depression in many.
However, the grey malaise that generally, generously, and genuinely blankets the Rochester sky was an other worldly blue today, with a terrible bright circle at it’s zenith. Many locals were awe struck by this tiny ball that made everything colorful but also hurt to look at, with many experts pointing to it and screaming the “F***” word as they ran through the streets.
“It’s not a single shade of murky grey today!” one man yelled at a dog, scratching furiously at his own eyes until they fell from their sockets, “GOD IS DEAD AND THE SKY HAS OPENED”
Meteorologists have stated that this terrible light ball that frowns at our decadence and makes the world more colorful is just a “Sun” and that the warm feeling that you get when its awful bright touches you is “Sunlight”. Since this proclamation was decreed, the mayor ordered every meteorologist rounded up and put into the Manhattan Square Park Pyre as a sacrifice to this new and awful god that has deemed us sinful.
With any luck, the grey, murky, swamp sky that we all know and love will return to us, so as to rid our airspace of this moving circle of light and anger.
