Tag Archives: Timewarner

SPECTRUM CEO VANQUISHES TIME WARNER CABLE DEMON!

Rochester N.Y. – The people of Rochester have lived in the shadow of a vicious hell beast for too long.  For years, the tyranny of Time Warner Cable has imprisoned us and a dark cloud of fear and hate has covered the city.  But no longer will we live in terror, for it is a new day. Spectrum Cable President and CEO, Tom Rutledge, has vanquished the Time Warner Cable Demon.

Armed with only his mighty sword Dáinsleif, the lost sword of King Högni, and his own strength and determination, Rutledge stormed the castle walls to the lair of the beast.  Determined to cast Time Warner Cable back to the bowels of hell from whence it came, Rutledge the Mighty fought tooth and nail to bring peace to Upstate New York.  The battle raged on, some say for days, others for weeks. In the chaos of the fight, Rutledge raised his mighty sword high above his head; a bolt of lightning struck the blade.  In one fell swoop, Rutledge thrust his sword through the heart of the beast. Its villainous core erupted with black smoke and the Time Warner Cable Demon wailed in agony as its ashen blood poured from its unhealable wound.

“Back, back to hell you go, I command it!” bellowed Tom, “you’ll do know more evil here, set your customers free from the curse of your unfair rates and insane contract stipulations!!!” And with speed of Spectrum’s lightning quick internet, Rutledge swung his sword one last time, lopping the head of the beast completely off of his body. It was done, the fiery clouds cleared, beams of sunshine broke through.  The murky, grim waters of the Genesee ran crystal clear once again and at last, Time Warner Cable had fallen. Our hero, Tom Rutledge, President and CEO of Spectrum Cable, hobbled his way to the town square to meet the people waiting for him and in triumph, raised the head of the demon high in the air and yelled, “IT’S A NEW DAY!”

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Time Warner To Change Hold Time From Four hours To Six!

Rochester, NY- The cable giant which is basically a monopoly, sorry! I meant business! Are making a huge announcement which has stunned thousands of customers! Earlier today the CEO of Time Warner, Robert D. Marcus came out and said this.

“The days of waiting on the phone for four hours to speak to a customer service representative are over! We are announcing today that you will now have to wait six hours to speak to someone instead of the usual four! We know what people think about Time Warner and we plan to change that! I will come out and say on the record that this rumor spreading around that the people who work at Time Warner have homes where our staircases are made of cash and eat from plates made of diamond and tears of our customers! These are absurd statements, we would eat from plates made of moon rocks, not diamonds!”

It seems that the response to this announcement has been overwhelmingly positive from customers,  we spoke with local resident John Anders to just get a sense of how this is going to affect the community.

“I never thought I would see the day where I waited six hours! My entire life has changed, I mean before I could only fit in eating breakfast, going to the bank, making a phone call to my mother, working out at the gym for a couple of hours and then I would finally talk to someone! Now I’ll be able to do so much more with all this spare time, I think I might plan a nice little fishing trip for me and my son, I could spend some time with him. Thank you Time Warner cable for giving me so much time to spend with my son!”

Other residents were not as excited, we spoke with Shelby Cooley who told us how she really felt.

” Are you fucking serious? How is this possibly a good thing? I wait for four fucking hours on the phone for someone to tell me that they can’t do anything about my slow internet, now I have to wait six hours for someone to tell me that?! This is insane and anyone who thinks that this is a “good” thing is a complete idiot! Who are you? The Inner Loop? Who the fuck is the Inner Loop?! You’re not a credible source, why do people listen to you?!”

*Editors Note*

Sadly Shelby Menter disappeared and was never to be found again.

 

“I Love Time Warner,” Says Masochist

Rochester, NY – Jim Baker, a resident of Park Ave loves Time Warner Cable. The company provides Internet for almost everyone in Upstate and Central New York. Many of it’s customers have  vocalized various complaints about the company, but Baker is not one of them. We met up with Baker to see why he praises the company.

“I really love Time Warner. It isn’t often a company I patronize aligns so perfectly with my interests,” Baker said.

Those interests Baker is referring to, as I learned in a very uncomfortable half hour, are the sexual practices of Bondage, Submission and Masochism. Baker explained that he derives sexual pleasure from having emotional and physical pain inflicted upon him. He went into extensive detail of this sexual kink of his. Much of his vivid descriptions can’t be repeated in this article.

Eventually, I was able to get the very excited Baker back onto the subject of Time Warner, “Yeah, it is just awesome to be able to interact with a company that is so willingly torturous. I love calling for customer service and being on hold for hours at end. [At this point, Baker went on a tangent about edging that I have chosen to omit].”

Baker went on to explain how he loves how Time Warner treats him like he is lower than dirt. He also said he loves the emotional turmoil he is put in when he has to cancel plans for days on end, not wanting to miss the technician that gave him a 72-hour service window.

“Time Warner is absolutely the company for me, a guy that literally gets off from discomfort and pain,” said Baker as I desperately tried to end the interview.

As I was getting up to go, Baker insisted he showed me a video of his favorite Dominatrix, Colonel Cockcrusher. Luckily, as the video was buffering, Baker’s Internet cut out.