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Park Avenue Festival Almost Invaded By Puertorican Festival Or By Minorities In General!

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Rochester, NY-  The Park Avenue festival is a thing of beauty! It’s a time where we can all reflect and watch as a rather normal group of human beings completely devolve into nothing but sacks of flesh meat that only crave beer and pussy. As the park avenue festival delved later into the night the parties began to rise. One thing is for sure, the park ave festival knows how to keep things nice and white! Yet, that was almost interrupted by the ever evolving Puertorican festival! We had our people on the scene to see how the two worlds almost collided! We spoke with David Lyndon to get the full story!

” It was a real scary scene, me and my boys were just on our third beer pong game because that slut Stacy broke our homemade corn hole set after two gin and tonics, it’s alright though my boy Tom smashed that shit awhile back. Anyways, I was about to head into the house and then I saw this car go by and at first I for sure thought it was the american flag, but then I realized the american flag has more than one star! It was the puertorican flag! I mean what were they doing our neighborhood! Havent they ever seen West side story or world war 2 pictures? They were asking for trouble! Luckily, they ended up turning around because some local cops starting shooting at them, thank god for the police!”

David at that point took out a gun and started firing into the air screaming “Hail Donald trump, long live the never-ending reign of the white man.”  To get a different perspective on this scene, we spoke with Miguel Rodriguez a local puertorican resident to see how he felt about the park ave festival.

“Park ave festival? Is that when white people walk around and pretend there happy because they bought some over priced “hand-made” adventure time scarf?”

 Yup. That pretty much sums it up.

*Editors Note*

Miguel Rodriguez was quickly brought to justice by the RPD and three random black men and four random black women, all of them which we assure you, deserved to be shot and or arrested.

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Donald Trump claims to have pneumonia that is superior to Hillary’s

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“There has been alot of talk about Hillary Clinton’s pneumonia, but I assure you, I have the best pneumonia of any politician. Mine is far more debilitating than hers has ever been. No one in the republican or democratic party can compete with my pneumonia. It’s so debilitating it would make your head spin. I should be dead right now, I swear.”

Said Donald Trump at a rally in Los Angeles, California addressing a recent press release that confirmed that Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton had a case of pneumonia.

The Donald referred to it as “classic liberal media bias” stating that

“I have been number one in the pneumonia game for years, but you don’t hear anyone talking about it, the coverage has been unfair.”

He then went on to blame China for the problem, as well as saying that he felt like there were “too many blacks in sports, it’s hard to tell which player is which.”

 

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“Abby Wambach Driving Experience” Surprise Hit at This Years Fringe Festival

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ROCHESTER, NY-Move over ‘Bend It Like Beckham’ and say hello to ‘BAC like Wambach.’ The surprise hit at this year’s Fringe Fest let’s you step into the driving shoes of hometown hero Abby Wambach.

“It seemed like a really dumb idea” said Clark Peterson the creator of the Fringe event. “I submitted the idea thinking it would get turned down, but it is true what they say, Fringe will accept anything.”

The Fringe show takes place Peterson’s Parents Basement around 11pm when they fall asleep. After drinking to the point you can’t feel your face, in honor of the amount of head-in goals Wambach scored in her career, you put on Virtual Reality goggles and try to drive down the same Portland streets Wambach did when she was arrested for DUI in April of 2016.

Tickets include a ride home from Peterson’s parents if you can wake them up politely.

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Guy Who Never Pays For Netflix Feels Like A God Among Men

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Rochester,NY- David Chester has always enjoyed television. He remembers the days of cable TV and the endless possibility that it presented. Yet nothing could prepare David for the days of streaming television. David has conquered more than fifty seasons of popular TV shows within only  a year span. He accomplished all of this without having to pay even one cent towards anything. That’s right, David Chester has not paid for his Netflix subscription. EVER. How did David do this exactly you ask? We spoke with him to get the full scoop.

” It all started when I moved in with my college roommate, he gave me his Netflix account information one time so I could watch some Futurama while I was baked. Ever since then he just forgot that he loaned me that information, now I can watch whatever I want, whenever I want and with whoever I want! I am not some poor soul who is trapped into $8.99 payments a month! No I am a king, I can afford the finest wines and the best food! All while another peasant of mine pays for my pleasure!”

We asked David if he was able to watch other streaming services such as Hulu, amazon prime or HBOGO for free as well. His response was this.

“There are other things to watch television on besides Netflix? F***!”

At this point David flew off into the air on his jet pack from clearly saving boatloads of money every month unlike us everyday assholes, who, you know. Pay for Netflix.

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Rochester Officials To Introduce A Year Round Cringe Festival

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Rochester, NY-  As we all know, the infamous “Fringe Festival” is approaching. It is a time where the art scene slowly takes over the city of Rochester and we consider things like the silent disco to be art. When did putting on headphones and walking around like an idiot become art? I mean seriously, when It did it become cool for people to listen to Michael Jackson on one channel and Elton John on the next one! In honor of Fringe Festival, Rochester officials have announced that they will be introducing a year round Cringe Festival! Here at the Inner Loop we have been fortunate enough to announce a few of the events at the cringe festival!

 

  1. College Town “Ghost” Tour- The College town ghost tour will take 10-15 lucky people on a “spooky” tour of college town and check out all the abandoned buildings of once supposedly thriving  business’s!! Scary stuff! The tour will end with a five-minute moment of silence for every business that thought they would last.
  2. The Blindfolded Park ave-Monroe Ave 5k– Experience a 5k like you’ve never experienced before! During this 5k we will run through the beautiful streets of Park Avenue and right when were on the threshold of approaching Monroe Avenue we will throw on our city official blindfolds so we don’t have to experience the horror of poverty and homelessness!  A fun time for the whole family!
  3. The Inner Loop Charades– Now that the Inner loop has been filled with dirt, we can only imagine what the city is going to put in its place! Apartment Complexes? Pawn shops? Pawn shops in apartment complexes! Who knows! Come join this fun activity as we play a game of charades and act out what we think will fill the inner loop! We know its going to be great!
  4. The Cracked Pavement Money Grab– Take your chance in as we throw two pounds of locally sourced honey on you and throw you in a tube of dollar bills! Every single dollar that sticks to your body will be used to fund construction work for all the badly damaged roads! We aim to raise at least fifty dollars!

These are just some of the fun activities you can hope to see at this upcoming years Cringe Festival! We are so excited to see all of you out there this year! Also, don’t forget if you live in Rochester, the Cringe Festival is always around! It will never go away!

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Webster Man Determined To Find Something Fun To Do Tonight

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Webster,NY- Jeremy Lyles has been a resident of Webster for over twenty years. Webster is a nice town to live in, raise your kids, drive by a McDonald’s twice on your way home. Yet, damn if it isn’t a town to find some fun in. Webster is a town where Stephen King would write a story about a man going crazy and killing cats or some shit. Jeremy was sick of going to Walmart with his kids and having them scuba dive through the five dollar bin to find die hard two, no matter how much fun that game was. Jeremy shared his thoughts with us on how hard fun is to find in Webster.

“You know, it’s the same old routine day in and day out, I drive through Webster, fight off my suicidal thoughts, get home to the kids, fight off the suicidal thoughts some more and then go to bed. Not anymore, I refuse to live that life anymore. Tonight, even if it cost me my life, I swear I am finding something enjoyable to do in Webster. I refuse to spend another dollar at the AMC movie theater! I am paying fifteen dollars to just fall asleep on my couch! Webster has to have something to do that doesn’t involve thinking about suicide! I swear I’m going to find it! Maybe the kids and I could walk down the street since sidewalks are non-existent! Walking in traffic is fun, right guys?!?”

The Inner loop staff did some detective work of their own and tried to find something fun to do in the town of Webster. Here is a list of things we found somewhat enjoyable.

  1. Peoples pain
  2. Dead trees
  3. More pain
  4. Abbots 
  5. Dead people in Walmart
  6. Abbots to cover up the pain
  7. Rust

Sadly, The Inner Loop lost one of our own to suicide during this detective work. Sometimes trying to find fun has a very steep price.

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5 Signs Prince Is Really Still Dead

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Rochester, NY- Musicians come and go. In a time where any person can have an “album release party”, it’s very difficult to truly know who is a real artist and who is just some asshole who wont stop sending you Facebook event invites. We lost a real artist, a man who can never be replaced and for this I mourn deeply. Here are 5 signs that The artist formerly know as Prince is no longer with is.

 

1) Every skyscraper is still f***ing purple- Death is hard enough to deal with on your own. So every time I want to look at that gorgeous skyline and see those f***ing purple neon lights on the side of every building, REMINDING ME OF THE FACT I’LL NEVER SEE PRINCE PERFORM LIVE EVER AGAIN!

2) Little red corvette has been my ringtone for six months- IT IS THE GREATEST SONG EVER MADE AND TO WAKE UP TO IT LITERALLY MAKES MY SOUL CRY WITH PAIN.

3) I googled is prince dead still and it said yes- So apparently google is god now and can just tell me that prince is dead and is never coming back, no matter how many small goats I sacrifice and no MATTER HOW HARD I PRAY!

4) I bought a little red corvette and burned it- I may have read in this “witchcraft” book that if you destroy items in a fire that were somehow connected to the deceased, it could possibly call his soul back into this realm and we could capture it, forcing dead prince to make a new album!

5) He stopped returning my phone calls- Prince and I were on a first name basis and he totally took my calls and it wasn’t my mom I was calling asking me if I was off my meds. Prince and I were best friends and I know that the only reason he would never return my calls is because he was dead. Obviously.

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Guy Starts His First Shift To Stand Outside Bodega And Stare At People

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Rochester, NY- Donald Lancaster awoke to the sound of his alarm clock buzzing. He chose to hit the snooze button multiple times. Donald frantically woke up at 10:34 am late for his first day of work. What does Donald do for a living you ask? Donald just got a full-time job to stand outside of a local Bodega and stare at innocent civilians walking by with a look that you’re not really sure if its friendly or if he would stab you if you got too close. We spoke with Donald to get a feel of how that first shift went for him.

“I was really excited when I found out I got the job! My cousin Eddie hooked me up with it! I think he’s been standing outside of bodegas for over a decade now! People have thought that he’s owned so many stores by just hanging outside of them! A job where I can get all the respect and have none of the responsibility? Hell yeah, I signed up! My cousin recommended I buy a couple of white tank tops and get a tattoo of a giant cross on my arm to make myself seem like a professional!”

We asked Donald to walk us through the life in a day of a “Corner man” as they call themselves.

10:30 AM- I usually roll up pretty slow and look in multiple directions, not because I’m looking for anything, just in case anyone is watching me they can think I’m up to something.

12:00 PM- This is the lunch rush, so I make sure to usually have one or two beef jerky sticks in my hand and a menthol in the other. I find that the odor both of those things bring helps make me look professional.

3:00pm- This is a great time to pretend on my cellphone yelling at someone. Lots of traffic around this time and it’s just a great atmosphere when people are parked at a red light right in front of me as I’m screaming at my bitch of a girlfriend.

7:00 Pm- I’m pretty much done at this point and the next guy, Rico comes in to take over. I try to make sure the place it set up for success, I generally discard any loose receipt or trash in my pockets around the area and I scream racist slurs for a solid thirty minutes. I’m really trying to make a good impression.

Donald thanked us for interviewing him and said he had to leave so he could catch a cab home and then argue with the driver about how expensive it was.

 

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Park Avenue Festival Almost Invaded By Puertorican Festival Or By Minorities In General!

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Rochester, NY-  The Park Avenue festival is a thing of beauty! It’s a time where we can all reflect and watch as a rather normal group of human beings completely devolve into nothing but sacks of flesh meat that only crave beer and pussy. As the park avenue festival delved later into the night the parties began to rise. One thing is for sure, the park ave festival knows how to keep things nice and white! Yet, that was almost interrupted by the ever evolving Puertorican festival! We had our people on the scene to see how the two worlds almost collided! We spoke with David Lyndon to get the full story!

” It was a real scary scene, me and my boys were just on our third beer pong game because that slut Stacy broke our homemade corn hole set after two gin and tonics, it’s alright though my boy Tom smashed that shit awhile back. Anyways, I was about to head into the house and then I saw this car go by and at first I for sure thought it was the american flag, but then I realized the american flag has more than one star! It was the puertorican flag! I mean what were they doing our neighborhood! Havent they ever seen West side story or world war 2 pictures? They were asking for trouble! Luckily, they ended up turning around because some local cops starting shooting at them, thank god for the police!”

David at that point took out a gun and started firing into the air screaming “Hail Donald trump, long live the never-ending reign of the white man.”  To get a different perspective on this scene, we spoke with Miguel Rodriguez a local puertorican resident to see how he felt about the park ave festival.

“Park ave festival? Is that when white people walk around and pretend there happy because they bought some over priced “hand-made” adventure time scarf?”

 Yup. That pretty much sums it up.

*Editors Note*

Miguel Rodriguez was quickly brought to justice by the RPD and three random black men and four random black women, all of them which we assure you, deserved to be shot and or arrested.

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5 Problems With “The Inner Loop”

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As you’re reading this blog within another a blog within a website WITHIN YOUR LAPTOP, YOU MUST BE THINKING! What is the Inner Loop? Why is The Inner Loop? Who is The Inner Loop?  The Inner Loop is a blog. A blog that goes beyond the limits of what a blog even means! A blog that points its finger at the masses and shouts “WE CARE NOT WHAT YOU THINK! WE ONLY CARE THAT YOU THINK.” Yet, despite The Inner Loop standing out among the crowd as one of the best blogs to ever exist. It is flawed, like everything else in life. It has cracks, it is written by humans and possibly one shape shifting reptilian person (still investigating). The Inner Loop is sadly flawed and we are here to expose them to the public. Here are five problems with “The Inner Loop”.

  1. Anyone can write for them-  Yeah, that’s right. We’re not making this shit up. ANYBODY CAN WRITE FOR THEM. Like anybody, your mom, your dad, that weird guy on the corner of Monroe and Alexander. Any old asshole with a laptop and two working hands (that aren’t reptilian) can write for them. Do you need to submit an application? Nope. Resume? Nope. Just message the Facebook page group and one of there many “esteemed” writers will respond and add you to the list! This is a dumb idea and its one of the many reason “The Inner Loop” will fail.
  2. None of it is real- If you’re looking for some hard-hitting news with things like facts and real stuff that is actually happening in your everyday life. Look somewhere else, The Inner Loop is straight bullshit. It’s just a bunch of guys who chat through Facebook messenger and mock each other constantly and sometimes come up with articles. They have an article called “Guy on tinder all day, walks into real fire”. Don’t ruin your eyes with this filth.
  3. Writers cant think of their own ideas- Creativity does not come to these guys naturally. I mean even this very article that they’re writing, they had to ask the other “writers” for help to finish this list. You don’t want to read something that took multiple people to make. I mean the only thing that should take two people to create is making a baby and even then they’re are consequences, like that your dad left and he probably got kidnapped by the reptile people.
  4. Michael Colon created it- Who the f*** is Michael Colon? Exactly, apparently he created this thing. He had like a “cool idea” he wanted to talk about with his friends and now it’s turned into this thing that’s actually being consistent with articles and getting more followers every week and some may even say slightly “successful”. That kid is a complete idiot and a total loser. Don’t read anything he is even slightly apart of.
  5. They shed insight into serious subjects with humor– The world is full of serious things and events happening that need to be talked about without any sort of political agenda. That’s what these guys do! Disgusting I know! I don’t want to hear about events happening in the world with a real human perspective and also humor! No thank you! I will gladly go back to my weekly nights of fox news marathons!
  6. Did we mention number 2 already?- Sometimes when I’m writing these articles I get lost because I keep switching tabs between Facebook and checking my bank account, so things kind of get confusing.
  7. They lose count of things–  Numbers are for people who count down the days till they die! We shall be immortal, we shall live among the gods and do the things the gods do!
  8. Never let go Jack– Titanic <3