Weston, Ct.– At his private Connecticut estate today, Keith Richards, the acclaimed Rolling Stones guitarist, was discovered still alive, somehow. Patrick Sanger, a groundskeeper at the estate and longtime friend of Richards, reported he found him early Tuesday morning jovially humming the tune to “Paint It Black” as he heated a crushed up Lipitor tablet in a teaspoon with a lighter.
The guitarist and songwriter had, by all accounts, remained in good health over the past year of touring with The Rolling Stones, despite having spent most of his life taking enough illicit chemicals on a daily basis to kill Charlie Sheen several times over. These days, of course, the aging rocker limits himself to taking medication for arthritis caused by years of guitar playing and constantly having to endorse royalty checks every time Martin Scorsese puts “Gimme Shelter” in another movie.
In a year marked by the passing of such musical icons as David Bowie, Lou Reed, and Prince, many in the industry were shocked to learn of Richards’ survival.
“You just keep hearing about all these legends being lost before their time,” said Ric Ocasek, longtime frontman of The Cars, in a telephone interview. “Keith, man,” he continued, “I could’ve sworn it was a few years ago I was spinning my ‘Let It Bleed’ LP in his honor. Or was that… Let me get back to you, I need to go Google the names of everyone I knew in Aerosmith and Cheap Trick.”
Fans of Keith Richards, for now, can anticipate plenty more to come from the man and his band, as The Rolling Stones have just announced the release of a $3,000 box set of albums you already own and have announced tour dates for 2341 at the first permanent manned settlement on the moon.