Rochester,NY- Johnathan Pascoe has had a very long day, he wanted to just come home, relax, maybe catch up on his favorite Netflix show and kick his feet up. Yet, something seems to be bothering him, he doesn’t know what he’s going to passively aggressively mutter under his breath tonight, there are so many choices sometimes, it seems as if a clear decision can’t be made. We spoke with Johnathan to see how he is handling this crisis.
“I’ve dealt with some difficult choices in my life, but for some reason this seems to be really getting under my skin. I mean my choices are unlimited, I could probably call my wife a “bitch” when she walks away from me, or I could say something from across the room to my daughter like “ungrateful brat”. I mean the choices are just so vast. Last week I my wife caught me saying “must be nice”. I really need to perfect the art of being a sneaky asshole in my own home. Progress, not perfection, am I right?”
Rochester NY – If there’s anything Donald Drumpf loves more than winning primaries, it’s putting his name on stuff. After the registered sociopath and Presidential hopefuls glorious display in the New York closed primaries, he has decided to wave his magic gold wand and legally declare all of New York state ‘Drumpfland’. Local Drumpfians were a wonderful mix of aghast and in astonished aww as our new commanding overlords began branding all of New York’s beautiful architecture with the ‘Drumpf’ trademark and dusting all of the states population and ground belongings in a soft gold paint.
Downtown Rochester has officially been renamed ‘Drumpftopia’ by our magnificent leader. By the end of the week every building from Charlotte to Canandaigua will bear the Drumpf logo and every street will be painted “The best color of gold you can ever see. It’s Drumpf Gold,” to quote our lord and commander.
Many liberal try-hards spoke out against Emperor Drumpf, questioning the legality of Drumpfed acquisition of Drumpfland. Those losers were of course, never heard from again.