Tag Archives: Rochester

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KodakCoin Offering Laid-Off Workers Rare Second Chance to Lose Everything

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ROCHESTER, NY – KodakCoin, Kashminers, Blockchain, Cryptocurrency, are just a few of the words being thrown around Rochester this week after one of the cities namesake companies announced they were creating their own bitcoin.

“I have no idea what bitcoin is but I heard it gets you rich, so I am going all-in,” said Bob Lewis, a former Kodak employee who was laid-off in the late 90s.

Mr. Lewis is just one of the many former Kodak employees hoping to cash in on the film companies announcement that has made their stocks nearly triple.

“When they laid me off, I lost everything, but there is no way this can happen again right? They say lightning doesn’t strike twice so there’s no way bankruptcy can strike twice too right!” said the laid-off Kodak worker. He’s planning to remortgage his house to pay for the rental fees required to use the Kodak Kashminer to mine Kodakcoin.

A decision that is both confusing and in no way will ever actually work.

We asked our youngest Innerloop employee what the f*** bitcoin is, and how it works, and she told us “please stop assuming because I am young that I understand any new technology thing.”

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“Sexual assault awareness awareness month” launched for men upset that they are now becoming aware of sexual assault

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With news coming out every day outing various male celebrities who are being exposed for sexual assault, a new campaign has been released to help shine a light on the true victims, men who are bummed out to discover celebrities they like have committed sexual assault.

 

Using the hashtag #NotHim men have come out in droves to spread awareness of the negative effect awareness of sexual assault has caused them.

Twitter user @NotAllMenImANiceGuyISwear63 this Saturday tweeted

“Damn, I really liked the show Louie. Please respect me and my families privacy during this tough time as we deal with this news. #NotHim”

“Where is our ribbon?” Said Ken Kennson, of Pittsford.

“We’re planning a march next month, I think a lot of people have swept this issue under the rug, it’s kind of been an open secret for years now, people don’t understand just how effected we are by hearing about sexual assault on the internet.”

Ken is one of the leaders of the “Guilty until proven innocent” activist group.

“I don’t know, how can we trust all 47 corroborating statements from various women? I think we need to wait until we have all the facts here before we rush to judgment on these claims that have been made for decades.”

 

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Americans wait patiently in anticipation of stories of people going blind from the eclipse

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Rochester,NY-People around the country are excited to experience a rare opportunity to read headlines about people going blind from looking at the solar eclipse.

“Usually when someone goes blind, it’s for a really boring reason! I told my kids to really soak it in and remember where they were when they first heard news of someone going blind from looking at the eclipse, they won’t get a chance to see it again for decades!”

Said Tammy Johnson, mother of four, as she put on the paper glasses that protect you from going blind that you can literally get for free at the library.

It goes without saying that we are all looking forward to this incredible chance to witness human stupidity in all its glory.

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City of Rochester asks FEMA for emergency airdrop of 10 tons of Ibuprofen for bros still hungover from Park Ave Fest.

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Rochester,NY- Now that the annual Park Avenue Festival has come to a close, The City of Rochester has found itself in a state of emergency as thousands of dudes and bros have found themselves still hungover from the weekend’s festivities.

The city has requested that FEMA airdrop 10 tons of Ibuprofen into the heart of downtown Rochester and are asking fellow citizens to donate Gatorade and hashbrowns to local shelters.

Rochester police have also been trained on how to administer Alka-Seltzer to victims in need.

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Lone Black Guy In St Patrick’s Day Parade To Be Awarded For His Bravery

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Rochester,NY- It’s that time of the year again, where we forget that the Irish people have a rich history of amazing accomplishments and just dumb them down to a mental illness that has plagued their families for generations on end,”alcoholism”. Yet, this is not the topic of this article today. Today we are here to honor the one lone black man in the St. Patrick’s day parade, this man remained unnamed, yet is a hero in everyone’s book. Here at the Inner Loop, we have written a letter to his strange black man, who dares defy the odds.

Dear Lone Black Man,

We don’t know how you got there and quite honestly, we do not care. We only want you to know that from here on out, you are to be considered a hero among us peasants, where we could not in a million years imagine putting ourselves in your position, we look at you as a mythical being, transcending even time and space, better than the astronauts, better than the scientist who cure diseases. You dare to put yourself in a crowd of drunken angry irish white people, who to be quite honest, are probably fifty percent cops. You walk among them, like a sheep among wolves waiting to be devoured. You sir are one of a kind. We salute you, walk down that street filled with the false idols of floats and the irish dancers confined to the same rhythm of life. You have your own rhythm, no one will ever be able to touch it. Thank you sir, we thought heroes were a thing of the past. Yet we are all in awe of your greatness. A thousand fortunes and blessings upon your family sir. 

Sincerely, The Inner Loop

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5 Reasons You Should Let Me Come to Your Kid’s Birthday Party

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Here in Rochester we only have so much time to enjoy ourselves during the day. Between work, drinking, and nodding off in the passing lane of 390, we don’t have a lot of time to really enjoy ourselves. But our kids? Those little shits are smiling 24-7.

Take your son, Brendan. I’ve seen that kid run up and down the block with his little gaggle of barely double digit friends without a care in the world. Water gun fights, playing pretend, lego battles, this kid’s got entertainment flying out of every part of him.

Plus, I know his birthday is coming up, so maybe consider throwing little ol’ me a bone and let me hang out at your kids birthday party.

Whoa! Hey whoa c’mon, here are 5 reasons why you really don’t have to call the police right now.

1: I am super lonely– I get why you thought it was a sexual thing, creepy guy next door, watches your kids a lot, but I’m not trying to plow any kids here. House arrest gets lonely and after a couple weeks of guilt racked thought you just need to get out. Plus the range on my ankle bracelet ends at the back of your yard, so-

2: Sara is still in a coma– Look, when I nodded off after smashing half a needle of the good stuff blasting down 390 how was I supposed to know that we would crash and my sweet Sara would fall into a coma? C’mon, I need a little pick me up.

3: I promise I won’t touch your kids– Please, please i just want to be near some fun. I wont look at them, I wont talk to them, hell, I can just hang out with all of the adults there! Just to talk and meet some of the neighbors and maybe make some friends.

4: Before you ask, Ill probably bring some heroin to your kids party– Absolutely, without a question of a doubt. It’s not a party until we break out the Brown Sugar amirite?

5: I could also bring your kid like, a gift or something– Look, I can’t physically leave my house to an extent. I have some ash trays and a Gideon Bible I stole from a hotel I could part with, but other than that I’m just bare bonesing it right now.

So? What do you say? I know your kids birthday was like a month ago, but wouldn’t he be stoked for another party? You ready to have a failing 38 year old give your kids, and the neighbor kids, hard lessons on life while dipping in and out of consciousness?

Please don’t. No put the phone down…ugh. Well its not a violation of parole to just ask  now is it?!

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Local Graffiti Artists Angered Over Banksy Mural

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Rochester, NY – This past week, British graffiti artist known as “Banksy” debuted new artwork, which is being described as “visual poetry,” alongside the traffic wall on 490 eastbound heading into the city. Townsfolk, city officials, and even local law enforcement are amazed by the heartwarming message and spray quality. Despite the rejoicing, local graffiti artists are petitioning to have the art be removed post haste.

I have spent my whole life here in Rochester putting up my sub-par mushroom art. We don’t need someone like that coming in spraying up our turf. 
Fran Larceny [Hair Stylist-Alchemist]

I don’t know who this dude thinks he is but he doesn’t have the right to come to my Flower City and put up his bullshit. I’ve worked too long and hard to let this city know I don’t drink or do drugs.
Straight-edge Sledge Peterson [Guitar pedal repairman]

Banksy was in town for an annual graffiti conference at the Rochester Riverside Convention Center that took place over this past weekend. Many artists were outside the center protesting and the situation has gotten so serious that protesters are suggesting Mr. Banksy be extradited immediately.

Strumpet boy better make his way back to the UK. Letting the world know that Eric is gay and Christina is a whore is the only message that needs to be displayed here.
Rian Bruwski [recently single Rochester native]

Despite the limited criticism of the magnanimous mural, random acts of kindness have been reported all throughout the city within days after the art debuted. Many city residents believe the mural is opening eyes to current inequalities and causing a contagious human harmony, similar to the music of the fictional band Wyld Stallyns in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure (1989).

I don’t really see what’s so special about it. It’s just a boring picture, in my opinion. I mean I could be biased, I believe in showcasing strange lines and shapes that are supposed to be interpreted as letters. Like cursive but worse and more useless.
Kwivver [????]

The protesters currently are still occupying the general area of the convention and have refused to move until the mural is pressure washed from existence. Local businesses are becoming concerned with the pungent body odor in the air and the tiny shanties beginning to emerge.

RELATED NEWS: Monroe County Sewer Maintenance Discovers Clogged Drains from Clove Cigarettes

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Brockport student enjoys fruitful semester of date rape

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“I knew I’d be be getting with tons of chicks in college, but I didn’t know it would be this good!”Said Brad Brunswick, smiling from ear to ear as he sat at his desk organizing all of his Rohypnol into a neat pile.  “Atleast 3 of them were semi conscious.”

Brad has become a legend amongst his fraternity brothers at Phi Kappa Phi Phi Phi Kappa and a terrible memory that will never fade for over 30 female students, a new record for the fraternity.

“I swear that dude forcefully drags home a different girl every night, I’m so jealous!” Said one of his “brothers” who refused to be named for legal reason

Brunswick offered some advice for any college student out there who hasn’t had as much success as him.

“All it takes, is a good attitude, a little bit of charm, and a sociopathic disregard for the effect your actions have on others.”

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Rochester Locals Recovering from S.A.D. See Sun and Panic

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It’s true, the cold cold embrace of our yearly lake effect winter is drawing to it’s seasonal end, and with it many look forward to the end of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), which can cause severe depression in many.

However, the grey malaise that generally, generously, and genuinely blankets the Rochester sky was an other worldly blue today, with a terrible bright circle at it’s zenith. Many locals were awe struck by this tiny ball that made everything colorful but also hurt to look at, with many experts pointing to it and screaming the “F***” word as they ran through the streets.

“It’s not a single shade of murky grey today!” one man yelled at a dog, scratching furiously at his own eyes until they fell from their sockets, “GOD IS DEAD AND THE SKY HAS OPENED”

Meteorologists have stated that this terrible light ball that frowns at our decadence and makes the world more colorful is just a “Sun” and that the warm feeling that you get when its awful bright touches you is “Sunlight”. Since this proclamation was decreed, the mayor ordered every meteorologist rounded up and put into the Manhattan Square Park Pyre as a sacrifice to this new and awful god that has deemed us sinful.

With any luck, the grey, murky, swamp sky that we all know and love will return to us, so as to rid our airspace of this moving circle of light and anger.