Amazon: Rochester Unqualified For HQ2 But Eligible For Free Shipping On Orders Over $25

ROCHESTER, NY – This week Amazon announced the 20 Cities that still remain in the running to get their new headquarters; HQ2.

Rochester teamed up with Buffalo to create a joint proposal for the potential Amazon location but failed to make the cut losing out to:

  1. Atlanta
  2. Austin, Texas
  3. Boston
  4. Flavortown
  5. King’s Landing
  6. Gotham
  7. Gangster’s Paradise
  8. Halloween Town
  9. Mordor
  10. The Neverland Ranch
  11. The Hotel That Donald Trump Got Pee’d On
  12. The Island from Lost
  13. Narnia
  14. That forest where Avatars bang
  15. The Neighborhood of Make-Believe
  16. District 9
  17. Planet Hollywood
  18. Candyland
  19. Toontown
  20. Manitowoc County

“How the shit are we going to compete with Flavortown!” said one frustrated local official.

While it’s disappointing that the Rochester area will not get close to 50,000 new full-time jobs that come with HQ2, it’s more upsetting that we will also not get all the other perks that come with adding Amazon.

For example in Seattle where the original headquarters is located, residents enjoy access to things not available in other parts of the United States. Including Drone Delivery, Alcohol shipping, and Jeff Bezos is known to go to local schools to beat the shit out of bullies.

Amazon also offers benefits to the less fortunate providing 5 story houses to the homeless made out of recycled cardboard boxes.

The shipping giant did, however, offer the City of Rochester free shipping on orders over $25 as a consolation for all of their hard work and continued disappointment in being an area where businesses go to die.


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