WASHINGTON – A mere two days after his final day as the Vice President of the United States, Joseph Biden was seen today attempting to break into a window to get back into the White House this Sunday morning.
When asked what he was doing, former Vice PresidentBiden said “I gotta get my Skynard mug! That things a collectible, I got it when I saw them on tour in ’72. Stole it from a girl after I bonked her in the bathroom. That things gotta be worth 15-20 bucks these days, thats an antique!”
He said as he continued to fish a wire hanger into the window in a fruitless attempt to break into one of the most secure buildings in the country.
Moments later, as the Secret Service closed in, President Biden screamed “Ditch your doobs!” as he threw what appeared to be a lit marijuana cigarette into the bushes and began scaling the nearest fence.
St. Petersburg, USA – The GOP is fighting strongly against allegations that President Donald J. Trump has offered a pardon to Russian President Vladimir Putin. Putin was identified in a multinational downloading scheme. There, his username was confirmed to be “BackInTheUSSA” citing the hit The Beatles record that Putin is on record saying “I love that song [Back in the USSR] because it remind me of childhood. Its also kind of pun on my username on internets.”
Sources claim there have been no reports that Putin would face any disciplinary sentencing, but no one told that to President Donald J Trump. The newly inaugurated President took to the streets shortly after hearing the news. Wearing only his Presidential Onesie that Melania lovingly stitched “Unimpeachable” along the ass. He managed to climb up to the host stand of The White House Bar and Grill and proclaimed “My first act as President will be to pardon ol’ Putty for whatever thing he just told me to do.”
The President then denied reporters and passersby the chance to ask questions saying, “that’s all I want to do tonight. I have a new job on Monday.”
By now, you’ve probably seen the newest of the Star Wars franchise, Rogue One. In a different article, we’d probably go into great detail about our opinions of Rogue One. Heck, you might even be chomping at the bit for the next installment of the franchise, and who can blame you? It’s not like theres any other movies about Stars and Wars.
But thats wrong because you’re wrong. Rogue One is dogshit and here is exactly why:
We all missed the greatest star wars movie ever made:
STARCRASH (1978) is the greatest and sloppiest space opera you’ve never seen. The plot synopsis reads:
An outlaw smuggler and her alien companion are recruited by the Emperor of the Galaxy to rescue his son and destroy a secret weapon by the evil Count Zarth Arn.
Just by the trailer, you can tell this was a pretty hastily put together mess trying to bank off of A New Hopes massive fan draw, but it does so much more than just rip off A New Hope.
See, we all think that what Star Wars needs to do is to put more care and planning into the story and craft that go into its movies. But thats fucking A-10 wrongo because this movie proves that space movies are dope as hell when you just stop caring about anything relating to story or characters or even basic movie making. This movie doesn’t give a single dusty fuck what you think because its too busy being too fucking rad.
Here is a list of batshit crazy things that happen in this movie in no particular order:
-Invisible Space Blobs kills everyone
-David Hasselhoff shows up
-Space Babe Space Army
-Stop Motion Giant Robot Attack
-Cavemen?
-Texan Robot Sidekick
-Lasers all over the goddamn place
-Twin Murder Robots
-David Hasselhoff shooting lasers out of his goddamn face
-Lightsaber Caveman Slaughter
-Man Screaming “ZABAAA! ZABADAAAAN!” as he explodes
And if none of that entices you, you’re a fucking monster and whenever you throw parties people spit on the floor without telling you.
But if any of that does entice you, let me ploppy-wop a little cherry on this sundae-
you can watch it for free, right now.
This movie was put up for free onto youtube, along with a host of other late 70’s to early 80’s schlocky sci-fi and Star Wars rip offs. But this? This is art, pure and simple.
You will watch this, and you will see that nothing Lucasarts or Disney can churn out will ever compare to this movie.
Rochester, NY-The Mayor has announced today that the city of Rochester has finally made the decision on who would be the city’s first stepdad. At first, many of the cities various used car dealers stood out among the crowd. But only one won the hearts and minds of their step-child city.
Rochester, meet your new step-dad: Dan Edwards
Dan Edwards of the Vision Automotive group was selected out of thousands of individuals for his passions, his determination, and the fact that we could totally see him giving us the finger guns after plowing our mom.
Other strong contenders were Dick Ide of the Dick Ide Honda group, who told the judges about his motorcycle and how he was in a gang “back in the old days”, and Billy Fuccillo, of Fuccillo Automotive Group, who gave the judges some of his vintage skin mags and took them to an R-rated movie.
But it was Dan Edwards who really wowed the crowds. After he showed off his vintage Les Paul guitar, he shredded out to REO Speedwagon’s “Can’t Fight this Feeling” even though the amp wasn’t working. Then let the judges have some of his beer,
“Don’t worry,” He said, guitar still just barely plugged into the amp, “I won’t tell your mom.”
Dan Edwards is now an immortal symbol of hitting on your step son’s prom date, teaching us how to “really lay the love on a woman”, and selling used cars. His Bon Jovi good looks and use of the word “Bangin'” when referring to your mom is exactly what Rochester needed in it’s official step-dad.
Thank you, Dan Edwards, for proudly serving your city.
Rochester, NY – It’s 9:02 on Friday night and Jason Berkeley is leaning on the bar at Monty’s Krown, waiting to order what will be his fifth light beer. Berkeley came to Monty’s with several friends, who are engrossed in a game of darts in the back of the bar. As the bartender heads Berkeley’s way, he raises his hand to signal. Just then, a man much larger than Berkeley, in a leather biker jacket leans onto the bar, in front of Berkeley, usurping the bartender’s attention and ordering a round of whiskey for “the guys”.
Berkeley, in a moment of courage, taps the large man on the shoulder and tells him that he was here first, and therefore should be able to order first. This courage was not present in Berkeley last Tuesday when he stepped into the shower. Perched just above the faucet head was an American House Spider. No on this occasion, courage was not a word that could be used to describe Jason Berkeley. Words that may be appropriate are mortified, petrified, or the most scared anyone has ever appeared in history. Berkeley, laying eyes on the spider, roughly a quarter-inch long, let out a primal scream and jumped backwards. He then is reported to have muttered “oh f–k, oh f–k” for another minute and a half as he mentally prepared to squish the home invader with a handful of toilet paper, an action he would compliment with yet another scream.
This small, easily startled inner self was nowhere to be found at Monty’s, as the biker aggressively turned towards Berkeley, stating, “if you got a problem son, I suggest we handle it like men.” Berkeley squared off with this man clearly much stronger than he and said. “Let’s go, buddy, I’m not afraid of you.” A statement pretty easily put into question by Berkeley’s dealings with a common household pest days prior. Still, Berkeley swung like a man who hadn’t devolved into a panicky mush when the spider scurried towards the drain after his first, failed attempt at squishing it.
Both the bar biker and the very small, harmless arachnid proved worthy foes for Berkeley, who went down after two punches to the former, and called his girlfriend crying after just barely killing the latter.
Yes. Yeah it pretty much is. For nearly 5 million viewers – unless you know, bots exist. For nearly 18 months straight, Casey Neistat has has been viewed on his YouTube channel by more than the population of Los Angeles. – That’s not even really his demographic, so that doesn’t really matter.
The point is, For over the past 600 days, over 400 videos including doing some massive viral marketing along the way. He even made 82 viral videos before he started his vlog so even if you didn’t realize who you were watching, eventually you would recognize some of his content.
He’s done a lot for the confidence and inspiration of the youtube daily vlogging community and I wish him the best. Also, watch the Truman show, it’s alright. 3/4 stars.
Webster, NY – We all knew this turkey day was going to be a challenging one. But our challenges were certainly not met with the same level of difficulty as this small family in Webster NY. Jimmy and Joan Partridge are Webster natives and local racists. They’ve been proudly flying the Trump Pence banner next to a confederate flag on their combination truck bed front porch ever since the president-elect announced his bigoted running mate.
Jimmy Partridge was a level headed working class American that was ready to make America great again. He had seen his way of life undermined and disrespected by the last eight years of ‘tolerance’ and ‘social justice’. But not anymore. Finally people would start paying attention to all of the hard working white men again. To celebrate Jimmy’s new found white male pride, he decided that Thanksgiving day would be at his ‘cottage’ this year. He invited his sister Janice, her son Conor, and her sons fiance Marcus. Although Jimmy does not believe that gay people should get married because it ruins the sanctity of marriage, he and his third wife agree that family is family, and that’s all that matters.
“I was just so happy to have all my family and the people I love around me for Thanksgiving. It’s such a surreal feeling that finally my people will no longer feel marginalized or disrespected,” Partridge said, as he lowered the volume on the Dakota Access Pipeline news story that was happening behind him. “For years I’ve felt like every other group of people has just been given all of these handouts. Free meals and good fortune while I’ve been working for minimum wage. I can barely afford my 2 cartons of cigarettes a week. I’ve been grateful that my 1997 Ford Truck gets 12 miles to the gallon, or else I don’t know how we would’ve survived.”
Jimmy went on to recount his terror when his nephew Conor told him that he and his fiance voted for Hillary. Conor had this to say, “Well I’m upset because I voted for Bernie in the primaries and was definitely not looking forward to voting for Hillary. But Trump seems like such a vapid manipulative megalomaniac that I am still sort of in shock that he won. Even though Hillary did win the popular vote by nearly 2 million votes, I suppose that we as Americans have to come together and try to bond over the next 4 years as well as we can. All we have is each other, you know. I really feel like President Obama did a wonderful job opening up real conversation and discourse so we might be able to continue the conversation of tolerance, even while we have such an opaque figure head leading our country.”
“What a crock of bullshit,” Jimmy went on to say. “To think that I let that ungrateful nobody into my home and fed him my turkey. I don’t have anyone in my family that voted for Killary.” Jimmy then took off his shirt to reveal a swastika tattoo, began to point at his nephew and say “Do you know what this means? Not Welcome.”
Pittsford, NY – Cousins Randall Sellars, 9 and Jimmy Peterson, 8, don’t mind the wind chill as they run around the Peterson’s backyard, chasing each other and throwing snowballs. Out of breath and laughing, the duo pauses to think of a new game to play.
“I know, I know,” Randall excitedly shouts, “How about Riot Police and Indians?” Jimmy claps in thrilled agreement, “I’ll be a riot policeman and you be a Standing Rock Protector,” continues Randall.
Randall then picks up a garbage can lid and adorns his head with a tipped over flower pot. Jimmy draws a line in the snow with his foot and stands behind it. The two boys giggle as Randall pegs Jimmy with snowball after snowball. Jimmy, a future actor no-doubt, stays in character and just stands there peacefully.
A knock on the kitchen window gets Jimmy’s attention. He turns to look inside. His mother, Teresa Peterson, 37, signals to him that Thanksgiving dinner is served. Jimmy nods back. “It’s time for dinner, I think,” Jimmy says as he turns back to Randall, now holding the garden hose.
Teresa and Barbara Sellers, Randall’s mother laugh as they watch their sons play. Teresa remarks how lucky they are to have kids nowadays who actually like to play outside. Barbara agrees as she finishes setting the table, the brutal irony lost on them both.
Jacob Sellers, Randall’s father, can be heard in the next room shouting, “Woohoo, Touchdown! Go Redskins!”
ROCHESTER, NY– Hand-in-hand with the great tradition of voting this country has been the great tradition of Local News stations finding and reporting on the longest lines to vote. “Because, you know, news and shit” says local news producer Jen Johnson.
Rochester polling station prepared as best they could for the record numbers of registered voters and first-time voters casting their ballots in this election, and it turns out, they did a pretty great job!
“We looked all over the place and couldn’t find a single file line anywhere in Rochester. We started to get worried that we might actually have to cover something newsworthy. But it was right when we lost hope that we drove past Highland Park” said Johnson.
Unfortunately for the News Team, it turns out this line in Highland Park was not for the polling station nearby but still a residual line of people waiting for their kettle corn from the Lilac Festival.
“Please kill me. I have been waiting here since May 21st. I am so hungry. Why does it take so long to stir popcorn in liquid diabetes?” said Tom Bosstone, 24, who looked particularly gnarly.
When asked who he was voting for, Tom simply said “Please just kill me. For the love of God. Also, probably Trump.”
WILLIAMSON, NY – A favorite of the Williamson Haunted Hayride, the Leatherface Chainsaw Guy, quit this week stating “I want to leave this world a better place for future little leatherfaces.”
Leatherface (aka Scary Chainsaw Man) just cannot live with the guilt anymore knowing that as he pretends to cut teenagers into pieces, he is really cutting a gapping wide oozing wound into Mother Nature.
“Dick Chaney (nickname for his chainsaw) is a powerful tool and can’t continue to ignore that it’s unregulated two-stroke engine isn’t doing damage to our planet” says Leatherface (aka “That Guy With The Chainsaw”).
“I have spoken with COCKU (Chainsaw Operating Crazy Killer Union) about making solar-powered electric chainsaw’s the standard in our business but my pleas have fallen on deaf, leather-covered, and often rotten ears.”
The hayride will continue through October but could face a boycott from the Green Party leaning zombies claiming that their make-up includes toxins as well aspalm oil which encourages the deforestation of South America and extinction of the Orangutans. Said one zombie “BRAINS!!!!!! Let’s start using them to come up with healthy alternatives for the future of our planet!”
