Its that time again! September has come and that brings an official end to the festive Summer Vacation. You’ve seen some sights, learned something about yourself, and probably had an adequate time doing it. Theres just one problem:

http://www.smh.com.au/ffximage/2008/12/22/hicks_wideweb__470x312,0.jpg

You are hands down one of the most boring people on the face of the earth. There is no way you’re gonna make new friends, impress socialites, or even score with that hot hot football-cheerleader-chessteam-childhood-crush-freshman-year-we’re-both-virgins-piece of objectified f***-meat that you have been hounding after since you discovered you didn’t have to tell people what your fetish is (heads up, it’s lights off missionary before and after crying).

So here are some sweet sweet lies to tell folks so they think you are interesting, or even just a little bit attractive:

1: ONE OR MORE OF YOUR PARENTS ARE DEAD– No better way to get a sympathy hand job then telling people your have a dead parent! Make sure that it was recent enough of a death so that it seems like its okay that you aren’t quite over it, but distant enough so that only specific social situations will necessitate bringing it up. Bonus if you act like you can work through the tears, this will make sure people tell other people, essentially lying for you.

2: PRETEND TO PLAY AN INSTRUMENT– Don’t have any musical talent? Just say you do! The beauty of this lie is that people probably wont question it, or want to hear you play, giving you ample time to actually practice at it and become good! It’s a self fulfilling prophecy.

3: DEAD EX– Alright, this is a little harder to pull off and requires a subtle touch. Immediately, you’re probably thinking “this is a great way to lure some unsuspecting idiot to go make coitus with me in a dorm room twin bed”and you are 100% right. But, you need to have a very poetic way of referring to your fake-deceased ex in only situations of high sexual tension, and of a natural poetic nature. Not only does this bump the sexual tension up to Roman Bath-house levels of gonna-gonna, but you seem like you have a greater depth and a burdened soul. This lets you seem like you give a shit about how people feel, instead of the manipulative sack of shit who needs to lie to get laid.

4: USE AN ALIAS– This one is only for if you are going away to college for the first time. You can’t waltz back to college and start lying about who you are, thats silly. Nobody will believe you, especially not the people who heard your lies the first year and know you’re full of shit. But if it’s your first time in a new place, rest assured that you can call yourself whoever you want, and pretend to be whoever you want! Just remember thats who you are now. The facade can never fade lest you wish your true self be known, besides, do you even know who you are anymore?

5: PREVIOUS FAILED MARRIAGE– This is another one that has a bit of an age minimum on it. If you play the previous marriage card, you’re gonna seem a lot older than you are. Most people assume anyone who got married is now a haggard husk, because if it didn’t work coming out of high school, then this person must have needed a couple years before coming back to society (or so the assumptions go). On the plus side, this has a similar effect to Dead-Ex but with the added value of a playful cynicism and a reluctance for people to correct you on being a sexist piece of shit! Especially if your fake ex-wife fake-cheated on you with your actual-real-life-friend named Joey (you were on the spot and couldn’t make up a name, which is awkward because Joey wants to visit before thanksgiving break).

There are plenty of ways to seem like an interesting person: cultivating a rich personality based on the shared interests of your peers, life experiences, knowledge and curiosity, but who the f*** has time for all of that? You’ve spent 18 years learning to jerk off and nothing else, you’re gonna cut corners wherever possible. Thats what you did to get into college in the first place, and thank god that lie panned out for you, because it was

BONUS! SPENDING TIME IN A JUVENILE DETENTION CENTER– Nothing says “life experience” or “Salt of the Earth” like someone going to college after being in Juvy for whatever crime you felt like making up! Watch as people flock to see the reformed troublemaker, the bad boy who wants a better life! Sure it plays into the fetishization of both the criminals trapped in the problematic justice system and the blue collar “provide by any means” mentality that upper class rebellious kids go f**ing ape shit over, but it’ll make you a friend or two! just hope that you don’t meet anyone who has actually been through the system, because then you’ll actually know what terrible effects it has on a human being. Who needs that kind of emotional stress? Not you, thats who.

So go out there you sociopathic mess of a human! Go out and lie your way into a palace supported by pillars of salt! Just be ready for when everything comes crashing down.

ROCHESTER, NY – David Bates, age 24, has reported that he has gone at least a full 24 hour day without accosting any of his co-workers or loved ones. It is noted that he has also not made an overreaching political or aggressively sarcastic Facebook post about Donald Trump supporters in at least half an hour.

“It has really felt like any other day. I woke up, walked my dog, and even saw a few of my neighbors on my way to the car,” David recounts. “Normally I’m expressively negative, but I haven’t even called anyone a dillweed since I saw that guy in the park wearing socks with sandals.”

It is more often that we see young adults cursing their very existence by roughly 9am. Studies have also shown that the more peer to peer social interactions we participate in will drastically increase the amount of disdain they have for themselves or others.

“I’ve even tried being genuinely friendlier. It hasn’t worked by any means, my smiles and my laughs are still fake. Yet, I’ve been through several conversations with Brenda in the break room and I haven’t pictured throwing her out the window of a Boeing 787 at all.”

David’s record breaking day of zero imprecation was brought to a sad end while waiting in line at a local grocery store and boutique. After going the entire day without screaming bloody murder at anyone or passive aggressively staring at a passer-by because of their frontier hipster hat choice, David overheard a radio commercial where the announcer was using the phrase “Poké-Mans” un-ironically and consequentially lost his shit.

Well boys and girls, it’s just that time of the year again. The lunar cycles are becoming more condensed as a constant symbol of humanity falling into darkness becomes more and more clear. It’s time for all of us here at The Inner Loop to name all of our People of 2016. Here’s a quick look at our Top 10 People.

1.) Ghandi – He’s still cool right? I mean, I know a lot of people have forgotten his history or don’t really know why he’s important at all. In fact, I think I’ve completely forgotten too. What the f*** did this guy do? Didn’t he stand in front of a bunch of tanks or something so students could read in China? I don’t know, never mind. Ghandi didn’t do shit.

2.) Gregg – Now here’s a guy.

3.) Scarlett Johansson – She’s pretty great. And let’s be mature here everyone, she’s got a beautiful body. . . of work. I mean did you see her skin. . . I mean Under the Skin. Great movie. I’ve got no idea what it’s about, some body snatchers that steal humans that disappear into the floor. Awesome. I’d let Andre the Giant punch me in the dick with a fist full of bees just to watch her walk across a back-dropped stage for 45 minutes.

4.) My Buddy Gordie – Have you met Gordie? Aww he’s awesome. He’s got a lot of great stories. This one time, he overheard his older brother talking about this dead body a couple miles down the train tracks. So Me, Gordie, Jerry O’Connell, and Rivers Pheonix, went on this crazy adventure to find Ray’s body next to the train tracks and become local heroes! Wait, no, that’s definitely just the plot to Stand By Me. . . Whatever, Gordie’s pretty cool.

5.) My Dog Milo – I know, I know, my dog is not ‘technically’ human. But he’s a lot more fun to be around. I’d say I would rather be with my dog more often than I want to hang out with people. He never asks me where I’m going with my life and why I never call my mother IT’S BECAUSE I’M DEPRESSED MOM. AND I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO TALK ABOUT……..

6.) Steve Buscemi – America’s fun loving punching bag. What a nice guy. He was a FDNY volunteer firefighter and even went back to his roots after 9/11 to help first respondents look for survivors (Which is more than that douche Giuliani did, AMIRITE!?)

7.) Tyga – I chose Tyga because he perfectly represents what the American Dream really is today. Just be a no talent hack with a bunch of Apple products and keep making your shitty music next to Justin Bieber until even shittier people give you a lot of money. F. Scott Fitzgerald has officially turned his casket into a rotisserie because he cannot stop rolling in his grave.

8.) Gregg – Did I mention Gregg yet? Whatever, he’s one hell of a guy.

9.) Reclining Chairs – Alright, alright. I guess I don’t actually mean “Reclining Chairs”, that’s ridiculous. I guess I mean those hinges that go underneath the seats to make the chairs recline. Those are awesome and do so much for humanity and civilization. Being comfortable at your own leisure is what made America Great again. . . Wait, What’s the PeaceCorp again?

10.) Me – Because F*** You, that’s why. I’m awesome.