Tag Archives: Presidentialdebates

Moderators of Debate Form Most Viable 3rd Party Threat

Rochester, NY- As we saw from the shameless display of roundabout question dodging and 4th grade insult tactics, we as Americans are now-in the biblical sense-f***ed two ways from Sunday. The one saving grace from the debate were its moderators, Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper, who steered the wrinkly disappointments as well as they could.

In the wake of this national tragedy of politics, it seems as though both moderators have stepped up to the plate, figuratively speaking, and have joined to form a 3rd party platform running in this presidential election.

Raddatz/Cooper 2016 has become a widespread phenomenon, running on the platform of “We’re out of time-” and “can we please just move on?” which has been resonating with voters young and old across the country.

In response, the Clinton and Trump campaigns have both hired other news correspondents as running mates: Clinton desperately trying to scrape up any loose Wolf Blitzers after last month’s Blitzer Diaspora, and Trump hiring Bill O’Riley to accuse children of 9/11ing public education or some other bullshit. 

Raddatz has put forward a strong message in her slogan of “we’re out of time,” and recent polls suggest that Anderson Cooper is going to be the most handsome VP in history, bringing a much needed sexiness to the role of America’s weird uncle.

As of now, the next debate is scheduled to be moderated by Clinton and Trump, who will argue the entire time while Raddatz and Cooper sit silently on stage, calmly blowing kisses to the audience for three hours.

Top 5 Questions We Want Answered In The Debates

With the election season heating up, and the first debate coming up this Monday. I thought I’d compile a list of the top 5 questions we’re all hoping will be addressed during the debates

1) Why does the old man want my bones?

Everytime I walk by the old man he yells at me to give him my bones. What does he want with my bones? Neither candidate has addressed this.

2. How do we fix the economy ?

I guess this is important, they should probably give us some answers there, but I’ll be honest this isn’t the most pressing issue for me.

3. What would you even do with a bunch of bones?

This one has been on my mind alot lately. What exactly would an old man do with a bunch of bones? I have never gotten a clear answer from the old man and Donald Trumps press secretary refused to comment. (What is he hiding? Why not just answer the question?)

4. Is Donald Trumps press secretary working for the old man?

Honestly, why would he refuse to answer my question if he wasn’t somehow in cahoots with the old man who sits in the alleyway next to my house? I need to know for sure that Donald Trump is in no way linked to the man who wants my bones, because I do not like that man and I will not vote for a candidate who supports his constant requests for bones.

5. What is the consequence for not giving the old man my bones?

I worry more and more each day what will happen if I do not give in and just allow the old man to have my bones. It’s a tricky decision because I think I need my bones to live, but I fear what will happen if I do not please the old man. I really hope they get right to this issue in the debates because it seems to be the most pressing. I can’t seem to get a straight answer from either candidates supporters on where they stand on this issue, many of them simply ask me to leave them alone or to never come to that Denny’s again.

 

Well, there you have it, hopefully we get some answers tomorrow during the first debate. If you have any information about old men, bones, the stealing of bones, how to transition into a life without bones, or other related topics. Please email me at samlibutti@gmail.com