So, I don’t know if you’ve been watching the olympics, but absolute genetic monstrosity Michael Phelps just won his 3rd gold medal of the event.

For those of you playing the home game, he now has 22 medals overall, that’s made up of:

2 Bronze Medals

2 Silver Medals

and 18 F***ing Gold Medals

Sweet baby Moses, that’s so much athleticism.

So for a minute put yourself in this obvious nazi-experiment-gone-pretty-good’s shoes. If you had a small fortune in proof that you sex good just lying around, and then continued to get more of them while doing this shit-

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That’s Phelps literally staring down the man who came in second place, making sure he realizes that he should still fear whats in the ocean’s depths. He did this after winning Gold in the 200m Butterfly. The madman waved the camera’s to him, did a “I’m Number 1” thing to the cameras, then slowly turned to the man next to him and stared him down. This wasn’t an act of aggression, this was an emotional war crime.

Which brings me to my ultimate point:

Michael Phelps has no idea what emotion is anymore, and really, who can blame him?

Look at him try to squeeze out one dusty tear during him winning yet another gold medal

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That isn’t crying. Or nationalism. Or even a man who gives a single continental shit about what anyone thinks. When you have enough Fort Knox neck candy to topple a small regime, does having feelings even matter anymore?

This is someone, and I dare not say man because whatever hybrid of magic, science, and fish blood created Michael Phelps is certainly not by definition “Human”, who has a survival instinct version of “Fight or flight” that is pretty much just “Be wet and win or be actively trying to be wet and win”. Whatever feelings he has at this point are probably just stimulus responses to being out of the water, as shown in this handy flow chart:

Fish Man Emotions

Let me put it this way:

A couple of decades ago in a small fishing village, there was a humble fisherman and his wife. They had begotten a child, but could not afford to keep it on such a meager existence. They prayed to Poseidon to bring safe passage to the child, then released him to the sea. Poseidon, who was cramming down half a chilli dog smashing back a keystone, looked up and saw the child floating out with the tide. With a bloated cry of “Dude, im gonna make this kid so f***ing rad”, he blasted the child with his magical trident, and out of the sea-foam came a pot smoking half-fish with a fetish for gold circles.

Michael Phelps doesn’t feel like people do. As long as he keeps what can only be a shaky peace between the USA and Atlantis by funneling gold through our aquatic athletics programs, then f*** it. He earned the right to not have people feelings, and God bless him for it, the beautiful gilled bastard.

Rochester, NY- With many prestigious institutions, artistic foundations, and intellectual circles, Rochester is a breeding ground for successful people to grow up and leave Rochester. We have so many great people that have come out of this city and it’s surrounding areas, who leave and make they’re name a success. People like…

…uh, people like….well people who have succeded locally, like George Eastman, the creator of the monolithic Kodak empire. Uh, John Jacob Bausch and Henry Lomb who created the Ray-Ban style of sunglasses and the chain of Bausch & Lomb eye care stores. But, um, lets see what other names found success outside of Rochester!

There’s uh…well he’s from Fairport… but thats close right?

http://cdn2us.denofgeek.com/sites/denofgeekus/files/philip_seymour_hoffm-10.jpg

Gosh i just-

-I’m drawing a blank.

uhhh, oh! Oh

Oh oh oh! yeah she’s from around here! uhhh, she…whats her f***ing name..

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Yeah! She’s in the new ghostbusters…its on the tip of my tongue, honestly.

Theres also some pretty great musicians that have come out of rochester, yeah, gotta remeber their names!

Like, Uh…

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/contributors/daniel-armbruster/headshot.jpg

Crap, he’s in Joywave and Big Data? they’re getting pretty big right now, crap where did he move to?

Or, ooorrr uhhhh-

http://www.nndb.com/people/058/000084803/lougramm02.jpg

Crap, he was in Foreigner! damn…

I mean, well here’s some others I know I remember.

The Alphabet Killer

2 of the Hillside Stranglers

Arthur Shawcross

So! you know like, a good amount of serial killers but…uhhh…

Oh! no theres another one he’s really up and coming-

This guy!

Ugh! what is his name? He goes to RIT, he’s an upcoming filmmaker, he’s moving to NYC soon…

Its so weird, it’s like everyone who leaves the city after achieving even slight success is never mentioned again until they crash and burn, or die. Or both! It’d be amazing to hear some good news about people from our hometown area.

In a related story, Rochester local Lane McFaddin was found dead in his home in Rochester, having choked to death after his cat sat on his head when he was asleep.

This guy!

Rest In Peace Lane.

Henrietta, NY – Lance Kendall couldn’t believe his eyes Thursday afternoon when Jeremy Crews, his older brother’s super cool friend that smokes cigarettes, landed a double kickflip in their driveway. The three boys were reportedly skating around the driveway, waiting for Mrs. Kendall to finish making a dinner of fish sticks and smiley fries.  

The ‘skate sesh’ was pretty normal, according to Kendall. His brother and Jeremy were doing Ollies over a rake handle, while he himself was practicing that trick you do when you can’t actually skate yet where you stand under an upside down board and kick your feet up, turning it rightside up and landing on it. “I’ve gotten really good at that one,” Kendall explains

But the day would soon turn completely awesome. Kendall recounted the experience excitedly to this reporter, saying;

“All the sudden, Jeremy told us to watch him and then he like kicks the board down, and I thought he was just doing a real high Ollie, but then the board starts spinning. And then I was like, ‘woah he’s gunna do a kickflip’ but the board kept spinning. I couldn’t believe it. Man, Jeremy is so cool. He smokes cigarettes, you know? But don’t tell Mom, or he won’t be able to come over anymore.”

Lance Kendall’s older brother Mark confirmed the story, stating that Jeremy did indeed land a double kickflip, a trick in which the board spins a full 720 degrees horizontally, adding, “I can totally land one, too. Also, seriously, don’t tell our Mom about the cigarette thing.”

Rochester, NY – It was a rollercoaster of a day for Brandon Morris, a young Corn Hill native. While enjoying the craft beverages and artisanal Sunglass Hut at the Corn Hill Festival, Brandon was coerced into trying a new strand of mushrooms that he would later describe as “Sweet like candy to my soul. Sweet you rock and sweet you roll.”

This new species of mushroom, named Amanita davecaria activates a strain of chemicals in the brain causing the user to experience a euphoric delirium. The psychoactive chemicals also render the user incapable of saying any complete sentences, other than Dave Matthew Band Lyrics.

“I can’t believe that we would lie in our graves. Wondering if we had spent our living days well. I can’t believe that we would lie in our graves; dreaming of things that we might have been,” said Brandon, after being asked what he did for a living. “If you hold on tight to what you think is your thing, you may find you’re missing all the rest.”

Hoping that the young man had a family or a loved one that was protecting him through this misadventure, I asked how his girlfriend felt about taking these experimental psychedelics. He said “She feels like kicking out all the windows and setting fire to this life. She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright. But all the colors mix together – to grey, and it breaks her heart”

Then I asked him why he would put his girlfriend through the stress of not being able to communicate or talk to one another. He replied “See you and me have a better time than most can dream of, better than the best, so we can pull on through, whatever tears at us, whatever holds us down, and if nothing can be done, we’ll make the best of what’s around.”

Finally, I asked Brandon what he was planning on doing for the rest of the evening. His response was “Celebrate we will. Because life is short but sweet for certain.”

Last week, in a transparent attempt to capitalize on social trends, we here at the Inner Loop blog posted several articles about Pokemon GO. Being the savvy social satirists we are, we posted two articles about Team Valor and Team Mystic respectively. These articles parodied the trend among GO players to playfully knock rival teams online, using playground name-calling and not-so-clever memes.

It is with deep regret that we acknowledge that we failed to post such an article about Team Instinct. Honestly, we just sort of forgot there was a third team. Admittedly, Team Instinct is pretty forgettable. They have some lame leader that spouts about Pokemon’s feelings and their mascot is basically an electrified Big Bird. Also, they only account for like 1% of the player pool, so they are easy to miss.

Despite these facts, our failure to ridicule them on our internet blog is inexcusable. It was a gross oversight, and frankly we are ashamed. Team Instinct players deserve to be overly offended in a Pokemon Go Facebook group just as much as Team Valor and Team Mystic. The knowledge that we robbed them of that experience is a heavy burden. A burden we must live with.

So, to Team Instinct, we are sorry. We should have made fun of you. We should have made some asinine comment about how Instinct players are those guys who say their dogs are people too. Or some half-hearted play on words about how if you had any “instinct” at all, you would have chosen a better team. We should have done all this but we didn’t. We can’t go back in time and fix our mistakes, so now all we can do is say we’re sorry.

Pokemon go is an incredibly fun, family friendly, and addicting game that released for the IPhone and Android. It’s a game that promotes community, especially among those who are on the same team.

Namely Team Valor, also known as the
G-spot of the Pokemon go teams, hits every part of a good team you need: passionate members, intelligent strategies, and unbreakable core values. Mix that with strict discipline and determination, and you have a team worth talking about.

On the other hand, there is Team Mystic. Now, I know in politics it’s a bit of a dirty tactic to throw around the term “fascist”. In Pokemon GO however, “fascist” is the only way to describe the soulless husks that are team mystic.

Here are five reasons that Team Mystic is the unwashed gooch of Pokemon go.

1- Have you noticed that team mystic members are generally people in authoritarian positions of power? It’s no secret that the cold, unfeeling, blue sigil of articuno holds a certain amount of militarism about it, but most members of team mystic are policemen, military, tea party, or libertarians. I guess there’s a reason that “Blue lives matter” comes from the same mouths that praise Team Mystic

2- a lot of them own a copy of Mein Kampf: like seriously. Even people who accidentally picked team mystic have a copy of Adolf Hitler’s manifesto. It’s not a coincidence after a certain point, and that point is at the end of the 4th Reich’s Crimson spear

3- The leader of the Ku Klux Klan is team mystic: yeah. Not even joking, look it up. Want to be on the same team as that guy? You might be if-

4- you are as far right politically as possible: anti abortion, anti birth control, no drinking, smoking, swearing, voter ID control, gun rights: in name it, they support it as long as it’s as far r get as you can get. The only thing they don’t have is core discipline or beliefs because-

5- they have forsaken the individual and are trying to create a system of political, economic, and social unity through the loss of private property, rule under a single military leader, and an economy based on war profiteering and the creation of a mass armed forces in which all citizen s must serve: literally fascists.

But really it’s your choice of team. If you are brave, courageous, virtuous, charismatic, and disciplined, then Team Valor is probably your best bet.

If you are 6 and accidentally farted on your dad’s Samsung Galaxy, then you are probably on Team Instinct.

And if you believe in the systematic destruction of the Jewish people, then you’ll fit right in on Team Mystic.

Hey! Hey buddy, hey-no, come here! I got something I wanna tell you, c’mere. You know how there is that spot downtown? that huge spot that could be used for…for-well literally for anything? Yeah? So you heard the plan about the casino they want to put up there, huh?

No, I’m not gonna put the switchblade away until you promise to listen. Muffle-scream all you want, I’ll wait. Are we gonna be calm? Really? Okay, lemme tell you why having a casino in the middle of our city would be, straight up, the tits.

1) As a compulsive gambler and loan shark, this opens up some huge possibilities. Casino’s attract a lot of desperate folks just trying to hit the big payoff, whether it be at the casinos themselves, or by holding local business’ in the area at gunpoint. Do you know how many legs can be broken in a night over $5,000 borrowed gamble dollars? 12, and thats when I’ve had a few (which is constantly).

2) Alcoholism– It’s one thing to be depressed and drunk alone in your trailer park, its another thing to be depressed and drunk in public surrounded by 500 enablers in a neon version of hell. Nothing says “I need a few drinks” like losing money consistently and being surrounded by people with the same thought.

3) Magicians– Casinos bring in huge names in entertainment. Well, they do if they are well known and popular casinos. Here? You’ll probably just get magicians and local battle of the bands finalists. The first one is amazing if you are under twelve, and the second one is you if your in a band and twelve.

4) Who needs other restaurants?– You know what one of the best things about a place that eats money, gets you drunk, and serves shit food to people? All of the other places that do the same thing surrounding it and in the immediate mile wide area slowly go out of business and die! Heck, if the casino gets large enough, it basically becomes one big strip mall! Except instead of Lego stores and fast food, its gambling and a buffet that literally everyone has touched.

5) Ill still be waiting for you in the parking lot!-Casinos are a great place to just hang out in the parking lot, talk with your friends, meet new people, and mug anyone you think came out of there with a profit. You are the final crucible for them to get home safe and sound. After winning, that person has to first make it outside without being robbed or tricked out of their new fortune, a very hard thing to do I might add, and now they have to make it past you. If they best you and get away with their winnings, then they have truly “hit the jack-pot!”. But as the parking lot lurker, it is your solemn duty to make it as hard and life-threatening as possible for anybody to get to their cars safely.

See? See how great it’d be? It’ll bring in more people, Ill get drunk for cheap, my paint thinner addiction probably wont go away, but I can at least have some fun after I huff paint thinner! By the way, you don’t happen to have like-like a Home Depot card or a hardware store membership, do you? Well gimme your card. Well if you’d stop bleeding then the whole thing would go a lot easier, wouldn’t it?

How could I even exist in such a predicament? I am but a lowly farmhand, cursed to squeeze beets into a fermented paste for the peasants. To think that I, lowly Gregory, could have a chance at escorting the gentle hand of the gentle lady, Antoinette, through the gates of the Duke’s vineyard! Preposterous.

It is true that her betrothed Sir Archemond Renoidoux, that treacherous ne’er-do-well, is away galavanting around Monte Carlo leaving her grace, that most gentle lady, alone in fever of worry. How could one so noble, so honor bound leave the hand and bed of one so careful, and loving?

No, this will not stand! Though I am low in stature, honor, and nobility, I have been called upon by the good lady to provide a service, nay, to have the privilege to escort her grace into the Duke’s annual cotillion!

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Though it has cost me a great deal, I have procured dress and attire so that m’lady shant be disgraced by my ghastly and impoverished visage. I have trimmed my face crop to be that more fitting of high society, Oh how i hope the lady will be pleased!

The Cotillion is more beautiful than I could have ever imagined! Vineyards for miles, casks as big as livestock, and the sweet wine! like I’ve never had before. Her grace smile brings me a warmth I have never known before. My own wife having perished from famine, along with my kids, crop, pets, livestock, and close friends, has left a void that has only been filled by my strange sexual fetishes and the company of wizards. But now? Her smile makes me feel like a nobleman!

Whats this? The local sherif has recognized me! oh how good, a man of law and duty that can attest to my good character-whats this? A brace of pistols? He…He wants to duel me! Oh my, my kind is object to violence, but if it is for the honor of my lady then I must rise to the challenge!

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What’s this? I am not to be facing the Sheriff, but this masked stranger! Oh heavens, what a mess Ive gotten myself into. They are talking to each other in hushed tones, but M’lady seems confident in me, and gives me her blessing. It is with her strength that I will-

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I HAVE BEEN SHOT! Oh how my life blood leaves me now. M’lady has run to the embrace of the masked man, her new champion. Oh! How could I have failed so spectacularly! What’s this? She is removing the victors mask!

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Treachery! It’s the rascal himself, Archemond Renoidoux! How his perfection in masculinity makes my defeat all the more crushing! All of them scoff at me, it was a ruse! I have been labelled and anarchist, of trying to murder the good lady and to make explode the noble-peoples cotillion!

Of all of my life’s defeats, seeing the not-so-gentle lady embrace her lover (and several other people for that matter, an orgy commenced immediately upon my defeat and Sir Renoidoux’s unmasking) has truly been the greatest low of such a soggy, unremarkable life. Should I survive I shall surely bury myself with my fermented beet paste, and to live the rest of my days in piss drunk darkness.

To die, to sleep, to drink fermented beets. Aye, there is the rub.

This is an excerpt from my great great grandfather’s journal. He was an alcoholic clergyman who was arrested for tax evasion and was executed for trying to drown a lake. He was on my dads side of the family.

Rochester, NY – Joe Bean Bar and Roastery is known for its high-end coffee and alcohol and its distinguished atmosphere. Joe Bean prides itself on not just serving its customers great beverages, but doing so as condescendingly as possible. Many patrons will say a Joe Bean experience is not complete if you don’t walk away feeling inferior and pedestrian.

The tattooed, often mustachioed employees of Joe Bean are the face of the company, and thus are chiefly responsible for presenting said air of ostentation. We met up with one employee, Ezra Bourdain, to learn about the pressures of keeping up such a contrived facade.

“It’s really quite tough to act this superior all the time,” Bourdain laments, “every customer that comes in is another poor soul I need to enlighten. It’s a heavy burden, man.”  

We asked Bourdain his process for interacting with a first-time customer.  “I usually like to approach them in an non-threatening way, whether it’s adjusting one of my three scarves, or clasping my hands together and shaking them slightly, as if I were a youth pastor,” Bourdain explains as he sits across from this reporter somehow crossing both legs.

“Then, I’ll ask if this is their first time at the shop, being sure to not refer to it by it’s full name. Priority number one is always instilling a false sense of importance about what they are about to experience. The customer needs to understand that they will not just be tasting coffee, but that they will be tasting locally roasted, overpriced coffee. It really helps justify the fifteen minutes it takes us to prepare their beverage.”

As we discuss Bourdain’s role as a barista, we sample a flight of Latin American small-batch coffees. Bourdain reminding this reporter every couple of minutes to ‘sip lightly, as if it is a first kiss’ and to ‘let the aroma envelop you, let it carry you to bliss.’  

Bourdain went on to explain several insecurities he harbors working at Joe Bean. “Yeah friend, I’ve been kept up at night a few times. It weighs on you, being an ambassador to the higher pleasures. I worry sometimes I’m not arrogant or pretentious enough. For example, the other day a customer asked if they could get cream in their coffee and I didn’t even scoff or belittle them. I just politely told them that adding cream to coffee is like watching a Goddard film with subtitles. It’s experiences like those that cause my worry,” Bourdain sipped his ristretto shot in an oddly ashamed manner.

“It’s bleeding outside of work too. The other day, I didn’t even correct an acquaintance when they mispronounced my favorite Russian play. I just let it slide. I let it slide man,” At this, Bourdain became visibly shaken.

When asked if he had any closing thoughts, Bourdain said, “Oh for sure, my band ‘Dew Fell Upon Her Back’ is playing the Bug Jar at the end of July. We are a four piece new wave jazz punk ensemble. Also, you can order a vinyl of our EP on our Etsy account.”