Hey! Hey buddy, hey-no, come here! I got something I wanna tell you, c’mere. You know how there is that spot downtown? that huge spot that could be used for…for-well literally for anything? Yeah? So you heard the plan about the casino they want to put up there, huh?

No, I’m not gonna put the switchblade away until you promise to listen. Muffle-scream all you want, I’ll wait. Are we gonna be calm? Really? Okay, lemme tell you why having a casino in the middle of our city would be, straight up, the tits.

1) As a compulsive gambler and loan shark, this opens up some huge possibilities. Casino’s attract a lot of desperate folks just trying to hit the big payoff, whether it be at the casinos themselves, or by holding local business’ in the area at gunpoint. Do you know how many legs can be broken in a night over $5,000 borrowed gamble dollars? 12, and thats when I’ve had a few (which is constantly).

2) Alcoholism– It’s one thing to be depressed and drunk alone in your trailer park, its another thing to be depressed and drunk in public surrounded by 500 enablers in a neon version of hell. Nothing says “I need a few drinks” like losing money consistently and being surrounded by people with the same thought.

3) Magicians– Casinos bring in huge names in entertainment. Well, they do if they are well known and popular casinos. Here? You’ll probably just get magicians and local battle of the bands finalists. The first one is amazing if you are under twelve, and the second one is you if your in a band and twelve.

4) Who needs other restaurants?– You know what one of the best things about a place that eats money, gets you drunk, and serves shit food to people? All of the other places that do the same thing surrounding it and in the immediate mile wide area slowly go out of business and die! Heck, if the casino gets large enough, it basically becomes one big strip mall! Except instead of Lego stores and fast food, its gambling and a buffet that literally everyone has touched.

5) Ill still be waiting for you in the parking lot!-Casinos are a great place to just hang out in the parking lot, talk with your friends, meet new people, and mug anyone you think came out of there with a profit. You are the final crucible for them to get home safe and sound. After winning, that person has to first make it outside without being robbed or tricked out of their new fortune, a very hard thing to do I might add, and now they have to make it past you. If they best you and get away with their winnings, then they have truly “hit the jack-pot!”. But as the parking lot lurker, it is your solemn duty to make it as hard and life-threatening as possible for anybody to get to their cars safely.

See? See how great it’d be? It’ll bring in more people, Ill get drunk for cheap, my paint thinner addiction probably wont go away, but I can at least have some fun after I huff paint thinner! By the way, you don’t happen to have like-like a Home Depot card or a hardware store membership, do you? Well gimme your card. Well if you’d stop bleeding then the whole thing would go a lot easier, wouldn’t it?