Well boys and girls, it’s just that time of the year again. The lunar cycles are becoming more condensed as a constant symbol of humanity falling into darkness becomes more and more clear. It’s time for all of us here at The Inner Loop to name all of our People of 2016. Here’s a quick look at our Top 10 People.
1.) Ghandi – He’s still cool right? I mean, I know a lot of people have forgotten his history or don’t really know why he’s important at all. In fact, I think I’ve completely forgotten too. What the fuck did this guy do? Didn’t he stand in front of a bunch of tanks or something so students could read in China? I don’t know, never mind. Ghandi didn’t do shit.
2.) Gregg – Now here’s a guy.
3.) Scarlett Johansson – She’s pretty great. And let’s be mature here everyone, she’s got a beautiful body. . . of work. I mean did you see her skin. . . I mean Under the Skin. Great movie. I’ve got no idea what it’s about, some body snatchers that steal humans that disappear into the floor. Awesome. I’d let Andre the Giant punch me in the dick with a fist full of bees just to watch her walk across a back-dropped stage for 45 minutes.
4.) My Buddy Gordie – Have you met Gordie? Aww he’s awesome. He’s got a lot of great stories. This one time, he overheard his older brother talking about this dead body a couple miles down the train tracks. So Me, Gordie, Jerry O’Connell, and Rivers Pheonix, went on this crazy adventure to find Ray’s body next to the train tracks and become local heroes! Wait, no, that’s definitely just the plot to Stand By Me. . . Whatever, Gordie’s pretty cool.
5.) My Dog Milo – I know, I know, my dog is not ‘technically’ human. But he’s a lot more fun to be around. I’d say I would rather be with my dog more often than I want to hang out with people. He never asks me where I’m going with my life and why I never call my mother IT’S BECAUSE I’M DEPRESSED MOM. AND I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO TALK ABOUT……..
6.) Steve Buscemi – America’s fun loving punching bag. What a nice guy. He was a FDNY volunteer firefighter and even went back to his roots after 9/11 to help first respondents look for survivors (Which is more than that douche Giuliani did, AMIRITE!?)
7.) Tyga – I chose Tyga because he perfectly represents what the American Dream really is today. Just be a no talent hack with a bunch of Apple products and keep making your shitty music next to Justin Bieber until even shittier people give you a lot of money. F. Scott Fitzgerald has officially turned his casket into a rotisserie because he cannot stop rolling in his grave.
8.) Gregg – Did I mention Gregg yet? Whatever, he’s one hell of a guy.
9.) Reclining Chairs – Alright, alright. I guess I don’t actually mean “Reclining Chairs”, that’s ridiculous. I guess I mean those hinges that go underneath the seats to make the chairs recline. Those are awesome and do so much for humanity and civilization. Being comfortable at your own leisure is what made America Great again. . . Wait, What’s the PeaceCorp again?
10.) Me – Because Fuck You, that’s why. I’m awesome.