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RGH Maternity Ward Hiring Basically Anyone Prepping For Baby Boom 9 Months From Now

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First couples were banging out of boredom when the Wind Storm last week knocked out their power and WiFi. Now Rochester couples will be totally boning for warmth during Winter Storm Stella and Rochester General Hospital is getting ready to deal with the upcoming blizzard mistakes.

 

“December is going to be a crazy month for us” says Chief Labor & Delivery Nurse Sandra Barthmal. “We are going to need a lot of staff to help out with the influx of babies made from all the ‘Netlfix-and-trying-to-stay-keep-from-chilling’ going on during this storm.”

 

One of the recent hires Tom Ranstock told The Inner Loop: “I have no formal health service experience but I was a lifeguard when I was 16. Plus, I have been studying that giraffe at that one zoo that is ready to poop out the baby giraffe on Facebook Live so I think I am good to go.”

 

“So yeah Tom isn’t the cream of the crop or anything but we need bodies, to help us pull bodies, out of other bodies” says Nurse Barthmal. “We are installing five-tier bunk beds in our nursery and are installing hamster like feed-tubes because there is no way we are going to be able to hand feed these demons.”

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Rochester Continues Tradition of Buying-Out Super Parishable Food Before Storm

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“As soon as I heard there was a Winter Storm Warning I ran to Wegmans to stock up on food for the storm” says Jesse Miles of Webster. “Luckily, I have my emergency grocery list that has been passed down from generation to generation.”

 

His list includes all of the things Rochesterians buy-out first during storm warnings: Milk, Bread, and anything else that has a week long shelf like.

 

When asked why he thinks 585ers buy things that expire quickly Mr. Miles responded “we arn’t doomsday-preppers, and honestly, i’m a realist. If a true apocalyptic type storm hits, that bread is outliving my fatass.”

 

The Inner Loop reached out to the Dairy Lobby for their comments on recent conspiracy theories that say “the reason everyone buys milk before a storm is because of Big Milk in Washington!” In response, the Dairy Lobby sent The Inner Loop a bucket of 1% milk with a note saying “dig any deeper and we’ll milk your whole family.”

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Rochester Couple Runs Out Of Things to Talk About After Two Days Without Power

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Rochester, NY – With several areas of Rochester still without power, new relationships are being put to their ultimate test: holding each other’s attention using something pre-millennials call “conversation.”

“Usually when he is talking I can turn on my iPad or phone and just pretend to care while looking at dank memes” says Danielle Trego of Greece, “now we just have these uncomfortable moments where we are looking at each other and have nothing to say.”

“No WiFi has been especially tough on us” says her boyfriend, David Mueller, “usually the best times in our relationship are when we’re scrolling through each other’s social media feeds, and she nudges me to show me how fat someone looks now. Those were the good ol’ days.”

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Don’t Understand Feminism? Let Brian explain it to you!

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Rochester, NY-Local gentleman Brian has presented himself with the daunting task of explaining feminism to all his female acquaintances. It’s hard work, but someone’s got to do it. Listen, he read the intro to “The Feminine Mystique”. It breaks poor Brian’s heart to see these foolish women posting their negative comments online. “You need to have more confidence in yourself!” Brian furiously types, while shaking his head in disdain at Heather’s latest “self deprecating” post. “I’m a body positive feminist and I think ALL women are beautiful” Brian continued, “but of course, no one wants to date me. I’m constantly in the friend zone. Nice guys finish last!” He ended his empowered plea with a “sad face” emoji because he GETS it.

He then patted himself on the back for teaching another sad, uninformed young woman about the true meaning of feminism. When would he find his feminist princess who loves to eat pizza, drink genesee cream ale, be body positive, and remain a size two? When would a Victoria’s Secret model with a great sense of humor come into his life? She would laugh at his jokes the way he laughs at the jokes of Amy Schumer, and all those other female comedians that he totally knows the name of, but just can’t remember right now? Just give him a second. He definitely knows other female comedians. He’s feminist AF. He has a tee-shirt that says “this is what a feminist looks like” and he’s not even being ironic when he wears it.

Local women have described Brian as “creepy”, ” a little too too willing to walk them home” and “that guy who always played devil’s advocate in my women’s studies class.”

 

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Lone Black Guy In St Patrick’s Day Parade To Be Awarded For His Bravery

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Rochester,NY- It’s that time of the year again, where we forget that the Irish people have a rich history of amazing accomplishments and just dumb them down to a mental illness that has plagued their families for generations on end,”alcoholism”. Yet, this is not the topic of this article today. Today we are here to honor the one lone black man in the St. Patrick’s day parade, this man remained unnamed, yet is a hero in everyone’s book. Here at the Inner Loop, we have written a letter to his strange black man, who dares defy the odds.

Dear Lone Black Man,

We don’t know how you got there and quite honestly, we do not care. We only want you to know that from here on out, you are to be considered a hero among us peasants, where we could not in a million years imagine putting ourselves in your position, we look at you as a mythical being, transcending even time and space, better than the astronauts, better than the scientist who cure diseases. You dare to put yourself in a crowd of drunken angry irish white people, who to be quite honest, are probably fifty percent cops. You walk among them, like a sheep among wolves waiting to be devoured. You sir are one of a kind. We salute you, walk down that street filled with the false idols of floats and the irish dancers confined to the same rhythm of life. You have your own rhythm, no one will ever be able to touch it. Thank you sir, we thought heroes were a thing of the past. Yet we are all in awe of your greatness. A thousand fortunes and blessings upon your family sir. 

Sincerely, The Inner Loop

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Rochester Man Wears Parka, Rain Boots, and Speedo Everywhere While Mother Nature “Figures Her Stuff Out”

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“I give up” said Rochester Man Hyun-Joo Suk. “To say the weather this month has been bi-polar would be an insult to actual bi-polar people who are more predictable.”

Mr. Suk is amongst the many Rochesterians baffled by the recent ups-and-downs of weather. “I gave up trying to dress according to the forecast since everything changes in an instant. Instead I am just dressing for all occasions at once.”

Suk’s February Rochester Wardrobe consists of a winter coat and hat that he says helps to keep his top bits warm when Mother Nature decides to randomly send 7 inches of snow down seconds after everyone was enjoying the 60° day. “The speedo is just in case I get invited to a pool party or we get a flood out of nowhere” said Suk.

STORY UPDATE: The Inner Loop has reached out to Mother Nature about her drastic environmental shifts and received this message:

I know that A Day Without a Woman is not until March 8th but I wanted to give you all a

taste of what Weather Without This Woman would be like. You enjoying it? I didn’t think

  1. Really? The “Grab Her By The Pussy” Guy? That’s who you want in charge? Cool. Well hope you don’t mind Tsunami Blizzards or f***ing Sharknados. Mother Nature. OUT!

 

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Man Who Sent Dick Pic Over Facebook Messenger Doesn’t Understand “Satire”

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Rochester, NY- Keith Edmond is what many would describe as a man who enjoys the simpler things in life: a glass of red wine, sunsets over High Falls, and sending pictures of his erect penis to women over Facebook messenger.

Recently, Keith discovered a number of news articles and videos that have confused him greatly. Articles about Trump making secret deals with the illuminati, police switching to commemorative bullets for Fredrick Douglas, and debate videos where the candidates lip sync Brittany Spears instead of debating.

After snapping his newest dick pic to smash out over Facebook messenger, Keith mentioned how “Nobody is talking about this weird stuff,” looking at many articles and commenting “I can’t believe this is real!!!”

“I just don’t get it”, he says, re-notching his belt to cover his putrid member, “Like all these articles and videos are out there saying all these crazy news things, and I’m like, ‘are these real?’ and people are like ‘Naw Keith, they’re jokes’ and I’m all like, ‘I don’t get it man’. Oh shit, I forgot that this bitch needs to see my dick.”

He then undid his pants again and took a picture of his penis.

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Rochester Police Switch to Commemorative Frederick Douglass Bullets for Black History Month

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Rochester, NY- Police Chief Michael Ciminelli announced that Rochester police officers will be switching to commemorative bullets honoring famous abolitionist and social reformer, Frederick Douglass for the month of February. The engraved bullets depict Douglass and feature several quotes from his most famous speeches.

Frederick Douglass of course lived in Rochester when he began publishing the abolitionist newspaper The North Star. Douglass lived in Rochester for the majority of his life and was buried in Mount Hope Cemetery, along with Susan B. Anthony.

Mayor Lovely Warren said of the gesture, “That’s a step in the right direction, I guess.” She then bit down on her pen so hard the clicky part broke.

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Oscars Snub: Academy Overlooks My Girlfriend in Role of “Total Bitch All The Time”

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This past week, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced the 2017 Oscar nominations. La La Land was a notable standout, getting a whopping 14 nominations (which ties the record for most a movie has received). Moonlight, a gripping, personal drama brought much needed diversity, along with Fences, Lion and Hidden Figures, to the Oscars after last year’s #OscarsSoWhite controversy.

The field of worthy movies was jam-packed this year, and per usual several films and performances were snubbed, upsetting many movie buffs. By now, you have probably heard complaints about Amy Adams and Annette Bening not making it into the ranks for Best Actress. Many feel Bening was quite deserving for her performance in 20th Century Woman. Even more thought 2017 was Adams’ year, as she knocked it out of the park in both Arrival (which got plenty of recognition) and Nocturnal Animals.

However, the Academy overlooked another stellar performance no one is talking about; my girlfriend in her role of being a total and utter bitch all the time. Not even Loving’s Ruth Negga or the transcendent Meryl Streep came close to the dedication and effort my girlfriend put into acting like a horrible bitch all the goddamn time. From her incessant nagging about me finding a real job (writing for an Internet blog is a noble pursuit, by the way) to her subtlety played looks of disappointment, her excellence is unmatched. Not too often is an actress able to completely transform into the role she takes on. Yet,  my girlfriend’s expertise and commitment results in a complete coalescence of player and character. Halfway through 2016, I couldn’t even tell the difference between my girlfriend and the raging bitch she acted like 24/7.

The Academy will try to hide behind technicalities, like my girlfriend not actually being in a film, let alone one that got theatrical distribution or her not actually being an actress. But a rose by any other name would smell as sweet and my girlfriend, SAG or not, still acts awful and bitchy all the time. If the Academy fails to recognize that, well I suppose there is nothing to be done.

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Local Participates in Woman’s March, Still Locks Doors Whenever a Person of Color Passes Her House

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Rochester, NY-Mary Starbrook is a stand up citizen: she participates in local government, votes on local elections, and is an active member of the community. However, something still seems to bother her. Whenever a person of color passes her house, she compulsively locks the door.

“Honestly it’s not by choice” says Mary, fidgeting with the several locks on her door, “I just think that the safety of my family is important”

Mary takes great care in talking with her community- from Honeoye Falls- Lima, where her children are enrolled at school. The mostly white community she says “has a great public school system that gives my children a better opportunity than those of the inner city” she states, shaking her head while saying so.

Like many Rochestarians, Mary was looking forward to the woman’s march, to voice her disapproval of the Trump presidency and provide solidarity to her fellow community members, so long as those community members were white middle to upper class liberals in the Rochester area.

“That’s not true, I have written a very strong letter praising the Black Lives Matter movement,” Mary said when interviewed. “It’s just that their meeting are so late at night and always talk about Martin Luther Prince- oh, I can never remember his name- but they just go on and on and- well obviously I need to drive my kids to school in the morning”

When asked to specify what she was protesting, Mary stated “well, liberty for everyone!” While cutting a person of color in line at Wegman’s.