Rochester,NY- “Ah you smell that? Summers in the air!”
The smell Hank was talking of was crusted seagull shit, which he desperately tried to scrape off of his windshield after what appeared to be a Syrian drone strike like assault of white feces covered his 4 door sedan.
“Gotta love it!” he exclaimed gleefully as he got into his car and turned on his windshield wipers, which just spread the shit all over his windshield, achieving nothing.
“I can’t catch a break” Said Klara Hitler, mother of 6 month old Adolf.
“I don’t know what exactly he did to deserve this, I mean that one time he spit up on our new rug, but I don’t think that warrant this amount of attempted assassinations.”
Like clockwork, every night at around 6pm Klara says a different man in a shiny jumpsuit materializes in her home and attempts to murder her son.
“At this point it’s just annoying. I mean I barely get any sleep as it is, what with the newborn and all, and now I’ve got to fight off intergalactic time travelers to boot, and they always show up right in the middle of supper, like, come on!.”
Rochester, NY – As the Puerto Rican Festival is underway, attendants are very thrilled with the overwhelming police presence. Over the past several years, it would take hours, sometimes days, for the officers to question and search each attendee. One member of the proud PR community, Jonnie Reyes was happy that he was detained and searched only a short 2 hours after entering the festival.
“Typically we can’t start really having fun until the police are comfortable and have searched everyone.” Jonnie, a 35 year old Monroe High School Graduate and ten year Puertorican Festival goer. “Last year my family and I weren’t even questioned on the first day. So we had to make the return trip the next day to make sure Officer Broman knew we were “One of the good ones” as he would say to us. We love making sure white people feel safe around anything that they aren’t use too.”
Due to the increased police support at this years festival, searchings and residential inquiries were over by the 2pm on the second day of the festival. Rochester Police officers felt comfortable and welcomed by the community. Only 3 meetings were scheduled to remind officers that Puerto Ricans are US citizens.
Rochester,NY- “Black Bears are known to be the friendliest of all bears but apparently they’re the also the biggest dead beats of the Ursidae family” says RIT’s Senior Student Services Counselor Dim Kavis.
In June of 2016, a young black bear climbed up a tree on the Rochester Institute of Technology campus, was shot with a sedative, successfully taken down, and released away from harm.
But after the bear was released, Dim Kavis noticed that an undergrad student named “Grizz Lee Bare” also mysteriously disappeared the same day.
“After tracking down some surveillance cam footage, I was able to determine that the Black Bear had actually been attending classes under this assumed identity.”
“It was clearly a bear but no one on campus wanted to call him out since they did not want to offend him just in case he actually turned out to be a slightly-hairier Armenian guy” says Mrs. Kavis.
The bear might have flown under the radar by living in one of the larger trees on the RIT campus that the school graciously provides to Foreign Students at rate of only $39,506 per year to rent.
Unfortunately, after a night of hard drinking, the bear made the classic undergrad mistake of passing out in the wrong dorm tree.
RIT is now trying to track down the bear to pay for it’s tuition, room and board, as well as a penalty for not getting a parking pass since the tree the bear was found in was located in the F Lot.
Rochester,NY- “The West Coast of New York” – If you haven’t learned about Rochester’s new amazing decision. The people in charge of making this decision, made this decision. To help promote the cities finest cuisine (albeit the best damn thing you could ever put in your mouth with your clothes on) the Rochester Red Wings will be changing their baseball team name to the Rochester Plates. At least have the pride to take ownership in the authentic rich heritage in calling the Garbage Plate a reduction of its identity.
Shocked by the decision to change this conglomerate of the sports industry into the heart and soul of your dear, (albeit, i’m defending the word ‘garbage’) town. WE ARE GARBAGE AND WE ARE PROUD. In solidarity, Restaurants all across the city will be changing the title ‘Garbage Plates’ on all of their menus into ‘Rochester Red Wings” to both distance the brand from the team, and remind them that they are garbage simultaneously.
But real quick good game against Pawtucket. I don’t remember a lot of the game but at least I can look forward to barfing on a Garbage Plate both literally and on the embroidery of the shirt I wish I wasn’t going to buy but am still glad I did.
Brendan Vize is a one time contributor to “The Inner Loop” blog and we will be replacing him as soon as humanly possibly.
Rochester,NY- Brendan Stanz just graduated from MCC and is looking forward to using his liberal arts degree for everything its worth. He sat down at his local coffee-house and wrote out his five-year plan, he’s been waiting for this day his entire life. We were able to get an exclusive interview with Brendan, this is what he had to say about his life.
” I can’t believe I made it this far, I’m so excited. I’ll be the hundredth person or so in family to acquire a liberal arts degree, it’s nice to keep mediocrity running in the family. I figured for the first three years after college, I can get a job at a local Starbucks, spend most of my nights getting high and having emotionless sex with some of my co-workers. From that point on I’ll dive into a deep depression realizing I have no drive and my education was a waste. Then I figure around the fourth of fifth year, my dad will keep sending my job links to paychex, I’ll cave in eventually and stop smoking pot, get a steady 9- 5 while slowly watching my dreams fade away! Super excited!”
Rochester,NY- After years of suspicion, Rochester native Hugo Johnson finally learned that the traffic on 490 east had truly being f***ing kidding him this whole time.
“I felt vindicated, to be quite honest.” Said Johnson as he weaved in and out of lanes in a fruitless attempt to move his car slightly closer to exit 19 in gridlocked traffic.
“I remember when I was a kid and I first took the highway, the traffic was awful and all I could think was….you’ve gotta be f***ing kidding me?”
“To know that I was right all along almost makes it worth it.”
We had planned to interview Mr.Johnson longer but in the midst of our interview he exited his vehicle and started a physical altercation with a car behind him who had honked when he dangerously cut them off going 73 mph.
Rochester,NY- The city of Rochester was thrown for a loop when it was just announced that Judge Astocia has fled from Rochester to live in Thailand for the next three months. The Inner loop is glad to be the first to report that Judge Astocia is actually still in the city of Rochester! She has been hiding right under our nose this entire time! It was in fact a body double that we saw in those pictures in Thailand! The Inner Loop was able to gain an exclusive interview with Judge Astocia inside of her “Safe place” as she referred to it! This is what she had to say.
” I just couldn’t handle the pressure anymore, the double life. Living by day as a Judge, condemning people based on their actions and then being a reckless alcoholic by Day/evening/night. I knew that this lie was going on too long. So I finally decided to live where I’m most wanted. Inside an arid, dark tank filled with beer that is only above average. This is my new home and I hope the people of Rochester can forgive me for my crimes against them. I will still be collecting my full salary while inside of this tank, just so everyone knows I’m safe. I have just the grub-hub app downloaded on my phone and that should pretty much be all I need for the rest of my life.”
Rochester,NY- It was just a normal Thursday afternoon for Sandra Butterscotch when she stumbled upon the experience of a lifetime. “It was amazing, I almost can’t describe it. I just locked eyes with myself and snapped the shot. I couldn’t believe how perfect the lighting and the angle was. I just wanted to share it with the world.” She recalled telling us the tale. “I didn’t think it was that big of a deal until I started getting more likes on the post than I had friends. It was like whoa, something big is happening here.”
Sandra has since moved to the mountains of Eastern Asia to teach her ways. This is where we met with her to discuss the events. “It was right around ten million likes that I realized, that we are all connected and that the self is just an illusion. There is so much more to consciousness than just what our six senses allow us to perceive in this one physical reality.” She goes on. “But I’d say the number one key to ALL of this, is probably the Valencia filter type.
Rochester,NY- The Northrup family was planning on having a very nice Easter dinner. The table was set, the food was just about to laid out on the table and people were hungry. Yet, Uncle David just couldn’t help but bring up the Syria attacks and how President Trump is one of the last great remnants of America. Chaos further ensued, the family broke off into an all out Biblical war, shame and guilt were the primary weapons in this battle of politics. Luckily, Brenda Northrup was able to settle the chaos right before dinner was about to be served.
Yet something was brewing during dinner, something that couldn’t be explained. Even though the discussion was crucified and put to rest in a deep dark place, you could feel something brewing amongst the family. Little Joey in the corner spoke of how he just knew that this conversation wasnt done just yet, his mother scolded him, telling him to stop such nonsense, we all saw this conversation die with our own eyes. There is no way it could possibly come back to life!
Yet, rise from the grave it did! With Uncle Davids last bite into those mashed potatoes, came roaring from life that President Trump is the only real president we’ve had in the past twenty years! Just like that the conversation that was seen put to rest was no alive in front of them performing all sorts of miracles! The plates miraculously rose from their place and hit the wall with an earth shattering sound! The ground shook as the stubbornness of the devout conservative spat his words across the masses with a fire unlike any other seen before its time! This was truly an easter miracle happening in front of the Northrup family. The time for the return was now and they all had front row seats to the miracle of this rebirth.
Edit: The Innerloop doesnt believe in God or bunnies.