ROCHESTER, NY – Josh Allen has become a fan favorite in Rochester before even setting foot in our humble town.

Yes the new franchise QB of the Buffalo Bills has legally changed his name to “GarbagePlate LilacFestival Wegmans” after a quick google search of the most popular terms of our fair city.

“I mean, to me it’s a no-brainer. Nobody in upstate NY is going to care about a guy named Josh Allen, I mean there’s probably already like over 100 Josh Allens in the region already. I wanna stand out in this area and the best way to do that is by legally changing my name to something the fans will see and say ‘haha wow that guy loves us or is totally batshit insane, either way, I’m into it!”

Trying to stay relevant in the community as well, the other Bills QBs attempted to copy the rookie in his name change. Nathan Peterman is now “Strong Museum Seabreeze” and AJ McCarron is now “Kodak Genesee Brewhouse”

ROCHESTER, NY – If you’ve ever been standing outside of a Monroe Avenue bar at 11 PM on a Thursday night after a long night of adult kickball, you’ve likely heard a joke or two from neighborhood jokester and alleged bed bug spreader known as Chill Will. Some people listen and laugh and hand him a buck, and some just try to ignore him while they enjoy the fruits of gentrification outside of a bar with one screen dedicated entirely to Impractical Jokers.

In any case, someone had the bright(?) idea to create a Chill Will inspired Twitter account where they tweet jokes with the originality of a vulgar popsicle stick to thousands of followers who were purchased and in no way wanted to be subjected to this account. The followers are then DMed and solicited for any money they can spare to keep the unwanted Twitter content going. If you attempt to unfollow the account you will be asked to fill out a survey on why you don’t wish to follow and if you can still give them a few bucks for a sandwich.

Chill Will could not be reached for comment because we wanted to go inside and play darts and stop thinking about the plight of the homeless in our city.

Tired of being skewered by Facebook commenters for everything from covering the misdeeds of local judges to being called “libtard cucks” with every suggestion we might not have the greatest president in the world, our local newspaper is moving in an entirely new direction:

Beer.

“People love beer. People hate the news. We figured why not be done providing valuable information to Rochester and start providing double IPAs so that the public starts to think of us in a positive light for once.” CEO of Gannett, Bob Dickey stated during the reveal of their new craft beer names below:

• Golisano Goose Chase Belgian Wit
• Astacio Double Barrel Bourbon Ale (16% ABV)
• Garbage Plate Pilsner
• Kodak Collapse Cream Ale
• Not Your Father’s Rusted Root Beer

All in all the venture looks to be one of the more ambitious ventures for D&C, which has been unable to lure new customers in the digital age with their customer base lacking the fortitude to read beyond the headlines. (If you read this far, thank you, you are the 1%).

Sodus, NY – The Sodus board of tourism is shaking things up with a new slogan: “We’re Just Like Any Other Small Rural Town Where Gruesome Murders Happen Regularly!”

After decades of covering up the town’s darkest secret that their townspeople are constantly being massacred the Town of Sodus is leaning into it.

Why? They have decided to capitalize on new booming tourist market made up of millennial women who listen to podcasts about spine-chilling murders.

“We really thought it was best to hide that our Sodidian’s are being killed in ways that would make the Saw writers queasy, but these young women coming to visit are truly intrigued by all the horrifying details,” said Sodus Town Board member Gary Schitti.

The town has decided to make Sodus the go-to spot for murder fans with everything from guided podcast tours, selfie booths with actual evidence, and more. “Plus there is the added danger that we have not caught the murderer and due to budget cuts, our police force has stopped looking so you could be murdered too!” said Gary.

ROCHESTER, NY – With many places claiming to have the best slice in town, the winner for best pizza was bound to be a hotly contested vote. But in the end, the people decided that any pizza other than the over priced local chain pizza is indeed the best in town.

Mark’s, which has always claimed to “treat you like family” was not particularly concerned with the voting. “Listen, it doesn’t matter if anyone likes our pizza. People will see our coupons and be too lazy to think of another place that delivers and be resigned to eat our below average pizzas.” Said owner Mark Pizza.

While it lost the best pizza competition, Mark’s did manage to win the “Most Likely Pizza To Be Ordered By Your Employer Because Of Their Corporate Discounts” narrowly over Salvatore’s.

ROCHESTER, NY – Darien Lake has once again been taken over by the Six Flags once again, with memories of that creepy dude dancing to that insufferable Vengaboys song in commercials that seemingly aired on a loop years ago.

Well we have a silver lining to this story: That dancing bald asshole is in prison! Lanny Beeson, who is not actually an elderly dancing man but just some choreographer in an old guy makeup, has pled guilty to 2nd degree assault with a deadly weapon. He also pled guilty to charges involving conspiracy to commit fraud via selling bogus tickets to Six Flags to an undercover cop in exchange for sexual favors that included a request to be penetrated by Flo from the Progressive commercials while wearing a BK King mask.

So while it stinks to have a corporate giant take over our beloved local theme park and home of the Superman, at least we won’t be bombarded with creepy masked men dancing to 90s Dutch Eurodance music in between commercial breaks for The Handmaids Tale.

ROCHESTER, NY – It’s been rumored for months that New York’s original power couple Cellino & Barnes are splitting but over the long weekend it seems it is official as HBO admins confirmed Cellino changed is password kicking Barnes off their account.

“There were three things these dudes loved. Personal injuries, the number 8, and seeing boobies on Game Of Thrones” said longtime friend Stephen Ross. “This is the official end for this bromance.”

There is no word yet on who will retain custody of the Amazon Prime account they were using to ship snacks to the office.

ROCHESTER, NY – Jackie Robinson. Rosa Parks. Elizabeth Cady Stanton. And now a new hero of the civil rights movement emerges in the form of Best Buy Geek Squad employee and staunch heterosexual man, Dave Bowman of Penfield.

What did Dave do to join this elite list of strong willed individuals hell bent on breaking barriers of race, gender, and class? He entered Tilt Night Club & Ultralounge, a place known for being accepting of people of all races, genders, and sexual preferences; as a straight white male without a girlfriend or gay cousin to provide guidance.

“Honestly, I’m just like any other person who walks in here, except for my crippling fear of people thinking I’m gay. That fear kept me away for a long time, but Abilene is kinda far from my place and if I’m going to drink alone I’d prefer to be surrounded by very supportive dudes telling me I’m beautiful.”

ROCHESTER, NY – The Rochester food truck scene has a new entrant vying for the fickle consumers looking for a trendy bite to eat at the local festivals this summer.

“F*** You” will be offering kale harvested from local farms for $7 per leaf of kale. The kale will be served with a side of kale and an artisan plate made from recycled kale. You can also order a kale salad with kale dressing on your kale.

Owner and operator Glarby Kinzillington made his mission statement very clear for potential customers. “We just want everyone to enjoy the most basic and healthy aspects of kale. Our name speaks for itself. Go f*** yourself and eat some kale. Then go to the toast truck and put some kale on your $10 toast you dumb piece of shit.”

The reception to this new truck has been positive among people with whom you would never want to have a conversation. “This is awesome. I’m so happy we can finally enjoy fresh, organic kale instead of all these other options that are food and aren’t kale. I tried to suck my own dick last night.”