ROCHESTER, NY – The lilacs are blooming, the sun is shining, and your aunt Lisa is RSVPing for the one and only Bloody Mary Expo right after she gets done telling you your former uncle is a cheating pile of shit who ruined her body and her life.

There will be a smorgasbord of ketchup cocktails for aunt Tara to drown her sorrows of uncle Jim telling her he hasn’t been in love with her in over 20 years.

Auntie Rachael will be there too, smiling through the pain and talking her friends ear off about the last orgasm she experienced 9 years ago while riding the tilt a whirl.

By the end of the expo, the aunts were all collectively piling into a Hummer limo and headed on their 14th wine tour of the year.

ROCHESTER, NY – With all the fanfare surrounding the new Chick Fil A, nearby restaurants are taking action to bring in customers who maybe don’t want to wait 2 hours for a chicken sandwich. Friendly’s CEO John Mcguire has an idea to bring some of those ballistic fast food fans “Listen, we know you want that newfangled chicken free roaming on a god damn farm or whatever. We’ll get you whatever you want from that place. Just please sit down and order some f***ing ice cream too you gluttonous, insatiable bastards.”

Chipotle CEO has a more sinister plan of action to stop the masses from the allure of crispy chicken sandwiches and waffle fries. “We’re making our employees eat our food, then they’re going to suicide bomb their bathrooms with non-stop diarrhea. Have some guac shits with your sweet tea lemonade you dumb f***s.”

The popular bar LUX has some friendly competition coming in next door, but they won’t be competing for customers. CUX will offer their patrons the rare opportunity to watch what goes on behind LUX without having to enter the 666 South Ave bar.

“Ya know, some people don’t always want to go to a cool bar, watch drag shows, or participate in the sex and drug acts commonly permitted behind this den of iniquity. But they do want to watch the debauchery from afar while sipping a drink of their own.” Said bar owner Willups Brigglesmith who admits he has never had sex or “smoked a weed” but is a huge fan of voyeur.

A tented deck overlooking the backyard of Lux will offer privacy to the patrons who wish to look upon the Lux visitors, while fans of humiliation can pay a fee to have one of the Lux customers throw a half full cans of PBR at them.

“Oh shit, you know what day it is baby? 4/20!!!!!” Shouted Danville resident and E Gaming enthusiast Charles “Chizz” Lomar, who is a 37 year old man who frequently mentions how high he is on Facebook.

“I’m taking the day off, buying a dank eighth from my boy Skeeter, and wake and baking until the Warped Tour presale tickets go on sale, can’t wait to skank to Less than Jake!”

Lomar had a full schedule of activities for the “holiday”, ordering the Pizza Hut $10 box for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and masturbating himself into a coma around 7 pm.

Say adios to those old moisturizers, the hottest new skin care trend for this Spring is having troubled former child star Macaulay Culkin loudly scream into the face of your youngest nephew. Here are the top 5 reasons why this is the latest craze in skin care.

1. The sound vibrations that reverberate off of the walls of your studio apartment as the once adorable star of Home Alone strikes fear into the heart of your small cherub like nephew will shake off all of that gross dead skin right off of your face, leaving nothing but a soft healthy layer of gentle to the touch skin. Wow!
2. Watching the innocence be taken away from your poor little nephew right in front of your very eyes while Mac rips his soul apart with his terrifying screams should be enough to move you to tears as your nephew looks to you for help, but you know there is nothing you can do. Your tears are FULL of natural lubricating substances that will leave you with a healthy glow. Neato!
3. After about 3 hours of nonstop wailing from Culkin you will be left feeling empty inside, the horrified look on your face will be now replaced with a vacant glazed over stare as you have now accepted that there may never be an end to the screams. This will help reduce those pesky “smile” lines on your face, as you will have by now lost the ability to feel joy. No more wrinkles for you! Huzzah!
4. Please send help, he will not leave, I have forgotten what it is like to hear silence. There are only screams. There is only Macaulay. My nephew hasn’t moved in days. My skin looks amazing.
5. Once you’ve accepted your fate and your new life as an empty shell of what once was a vibrant human with emotions and feeling that has been replaced with simple a body experiencing nothing but the sounds of what you know feel to be the wails of hell incarnate, you will no longer even care about what your skin looks like. You no longer associate yourself with your body or your skin. There is no you, there is no nephew, there is only Culkin. There is no escape. There is no hope. Just screams, the sound of bees buzzing as My Girl plays on infinite loop in the background. His glasses. He needs his glasses.

There you have it! Feel free to share this hip new trend with all your friends so you can all enjoy the Culkin treatment together.

1. Doug Funny – Dressing up as beloved 90s cartoon character and hopeless romantic Doug Funny will definitely come off as less controversial than the military garb of the former dictator of Iraq you were going to wear. You’re not going to meet your Patti Mayonnaise looking like a war criminal!
2. One of the girls from Clueless – If you dress up as Alicia Silverstone or Stacy Dash’s character from the popular 90s movie that also stars Brittany Murphy (RIP!) and Paul Rudd (playing a gay character!) you will be the hit of the peddle tour, unlike if you dressed up as a man known best for torturing his own people among other crimes against humanity. As if!
3. The Fresh Prince of Bel Air – Break out the boom box and find an old pair of overalls to pull off your best 90s Will Smith look instead of that tired camouflage outfit with a red beret that is only associated with the genocide of innocent Kurdish civilians. Plus overalls make it easier to pull off the Carlton dance!
4. Bill Clinton or Monica Lewinsky- Break out the saxophone and sunglasses to pull off the look of the coolest president we had before Obama, or bust out any cum stained blue dress you can find at the Goodwill for a laugh riot when you get to the bar crawl. Or dress up like the brutal dictator who ended up being hanged for his crimes against humanity, whatever you wanna do for the attention you crave, man.
5. Macho Man Randy Savage for Slim Jims – Ooooooh yeahhhhh snap into one of the most memorable commercials from your childhood with a bold outfit from the zany and loquacious Macho Man. A much more fun idea than trying to imitate one of the least popular leaders of a country still recovering from constant conflict that started with his thirst for war.
6. Disheveled and captured scapegoat of 9/11 Saddam Hussein – While this outfit won’t really go along with the 90s theme, portraying the defeated and ruined former leader of Iraq would be a much more appealing look than the arrogant and powerful monster who wrought havoc on the middle east for decades. George W Bush orchestrated the events of September 11th.

I’m 30 years old. I have my own place. I have my own car. I have a job. I have a girlfriend.

I bought a chocolate chip cookie at the Tyler The Creator concert.

I want to get married some day. I’m working on my 401k and learning about the stock market. I can make a restaurant quality omelette.

I bought a second chocolate chip cookie at the concert. I spent $4 on cookies. I didn’t see anyone else eating a cookie.

I joined a gym recently. I iron my shirts and pants daily for work. I use organic shampoos and conditioners.

I was the 30 year old man eating cookies at the Tyler the Creator concert and this is my story.