Tag Archives: Lilac Festival

Man Contemplates which Corn Dog Hut at Lilac Fest Will Give him the Most Diarrhea for his Money.

“I only get one chance a year, I can’t blow it”

Said Herman Wilsley, a 55 year old Rochester native and once a year corn dog enthusiast.

For Wilsley the annual Lilac Fest isn’t about the flowers or the festivities. It’s about one thing. Corn Dogs.

“I don’t even really like them honestly, but I feel this duty to have one every year, and with so many options, it’s a tough call each year to figure out which establishment can offer him the best deal on a deep fried hot dog on a stick that will almost definitely cause him digestion problems for days after consumption.

“I am a purist, no cheating. Sure I could go for the bacon and cheese filled corn dog and shit my brains out for months, but any schmuck could do that. If it’s not just corn and dog, it ain’t a corn dog baby.”

He said as he smugly took a sip of his 12 dollar coors light.

We were not able to locate Herman later in the day to get a final answer on who he chose, the last time he was seen he was mumbling about mustard as he headed towards the stage, where a band was playing the same Dave Mathews song for the 4th time in a row to resounding applause.

Rusted Root Headlines Lilac Festival, All Other Rochester Festivals As Per Agreement With Dark Lord

You may have heard that Rusted Root of “that one song in Matilda” fame will be headlining this years Lilac Festival and all other summer festivals in the Rochester, NY area as per their agreement with Satan years ago for granting them a hit song you’ve likely heard in various commercials for rental car companies.  “Well Rochester is a really great place to perform, and as much as we’d all like to see our families back in Pittsburgh and experience freedom from a lifetime of enslavement, it’s pretty sweet we’re still remembered for that song that was on the Party of 5 soundtrack in 1996” said lead singer Michael Glabicki, who was currently chained to the Jazz Fest stage eating a molded hot dog roll.

Excitement for the concerts has been tepid, but people still enjoy the pleasant background noise provided while they get drunk and look at the purple flowered bushes. “Oh they’re coming here again? That’s cool. They have that song ‘Hey Jealousy’, I think” said local hot dog vendor Hal Gomes “also they help keep the rats away from my cart by catching and eating them for sustenance. They’re a part of our community now, and I can’t wait to hear them at my buddy’s barbecue on Saturday”