You may have heard that Rusted Root of “that one song in Matilda” fame will be headlining this years Lilac Festival and all other summer festivals in the Rochester, NY area as per their agreement with Satan years ago for granting them a hit song you’ve likely heard in various commercials for rental car companies.  “Well Rochester is a really great place to perform, and as much as we’d all like to see our families back in Pittsburgh and experience freedom from a lifetime of enslavement, it’s pretty sweet we’re still remembered for that song that was on the Party of 5 soundtrack in 1996” said lead singer Michael Glabicki, who was currently chained to the Jazz Fest stage eating a molded hot dog roll.

Excitement for the concerts has been tepid, but people still enjoy the pleasant background noise provided while they get drunk and look at the purple flowered bushes. “Oh they’re coming here again? That’s cool. They have that song ‘Hey Jealousy’, I think” said local hot dog vendor Hal Gomes “also they help keep the rats away from my cart by catching and eating them for sustenance. They’re a part of our community now, and I can’t wait to hear them at my buddy’s barbecue on Saturday”