Tired of being skewered by Facebook commenters for everything from covering the misdeeds of local judges to being called “libtard cucks” with every suggestion we might not have the greatest president in the world, our local newspaper is moving in an entirely new direction:

Beer.

“People love beer. People hate the news. We figured why not be done providing valuable information to Rochester and start providing double IPAs so that the public starts to think of us in a positive light for once.” CEO of Gannett, Bob Dickey stated during the reveal of their new craft beer names below:

• Golisano Goose Chase Belgian Wit
• Astacio Double Barrel Bourbon Ale (16% ABV)
• Garbage Plate Pilsner
• Kodak Collapse Cream Ale
• Not Your Father’s Rusted Root Beer

All in all the venture looks to be one of the more ambitious ventures for D&C, which has been unable to lure new customers in the digital age with their customer base lacking the fortitude to read beyond the headlines. (If you read this far, thank you, you are the 1%).