So you’ve matched with someone you kinda sorta find mildly attractive in a weird way on Tinder, awesome!

But wait…where do you go? You’ve already been to every bar on Park Ave, Monroe Ave, and even that one time you thought Murphy’s Law might be okay (it wasn’t). So where do you take this woman you will surely never see again except on another date at one of those bars? The answer is the following 5 places, where you’ll never have to worry about running into a previous date that are all the Wintonaire.

1. Wintonaire — Okay so this place is pretty divey, but it’s on the outskirts of the city and there’s barely anyone there ever because it’s terrible and the parking sucks. It’s pretty much an awful bar with no redeeming qualities but the same could be said about you mister serial dater, so just accept your fate and take your hopeless dates to somewhere that really reflects the true sadness that is meeting people online

2. Wintonaire (again) — Wait What? Wintonaire again? Yes. Just take the next date to Wintonaire too. Who gives a shit? It’s not going to go well, you’re still thinking about why your ex left (it was probably the self hatred) and you don’t even know this chick’s name.

3. Wintonaire — Listen man, this is your 3rd date in 3 days. This chick openly told you her family denies the holocaust. You don’t have to even try to get her to come back to your place. But you wanna get drunk and the drinks aren’t expensive here. Also you’re not even going to try to sleep with her because you just wanna go home and get high. Why’d you do this?

4. Wintonaire — F*** it. 4 dates in 4 days. You have checked out completely. There’s no reason to even date anymore. Pretty sure this one is actually a drag queen. The Wintonaire bartenders now know you as “that guy who keeps coming in with different sadder women.” You go home after and don’t even have the energy to masturbate.

5. Wintonaire — Tell your friends goodbye. Tell them you started online dating as a joke and somewhere along the line you became the punchline and now you’re on your 5th date in 5 days and you can’t even remember what liking someone feels like. You just want to feel anything. You just told this woman how exciting it would have been to die in 9/11. Order the pizza logs, eat them in front of your date while openly crying. Ask for a second date at the Wintonaire.

ROCHESTER, NY – With the backlash in Virginia over every white person in their state using blackface at some point, colleges around the country are scrambling to find controversial photos in their yearbooks.

Upon further review of the class of 1998 yearbook, there are explicit photos of the football team taking team photos in front of Tops, with quarterback Ben Milton brandishing a sign “Dr Tops > Dr W” a clear shot at local legendary grocer Wegmans.

There is talk of a public apology and promises by St John Fisher to cater all events with Danny’s favorite subs and sparkling lemonade.

ROCHESTER, NY – Faced with the recent cold snap, which plunged the air temperature down to a dangerous -24 degrees Fahrenheit after wind chill, scientists from the University of Rochester have undertaken an emergency research project to accelerate global warming, the University announced late Thursday night.

“Current models predict a 2 degree Celsius increase in global average temperature by 2020, which should frankly alarm everyone,” visibly shivering postdoctoral researcher Lydia van der Horst told us in an interview. “That’s far too slow; we’re looking to get at least 5 degrees by the end of 2019.”

The researchers are drawing up plans for a coal plant of unprecedented scale. The energy produced by the coal plant will then be used to break apart old carbon deposits in the soil, further polluting the atmosphere to trap heat and avoid more winters like this one.

In addition to the coal plant, other teams are working on accelerating global warming with a combination of pro-driving social campaigns, international shipping incentives for the world’s top exporters, and something called “hyper-beef”.

“If global warming continues like this unaided,” Dr. van der Horst warned, “we may keep seeing winters like this, over and over. Everyone needs to do their part: eat more meat, drive bigger cars, and leave your lights on. Our future is at stake.”

ROCHESTER, NY – After two drunk college students tore down and stole a statue of the prominent historical African-American figure Fredrick Douglass, the community has retaliated by tearing down a statue of prominent white f***boy leader Post Malone.

“This is a great injustice, Posty has done more for progressing the agenda of shotgunning natty ice and looking grody as f*** than anyone else. His contributions to the 20 year old college f*** boy community cannot be understated” said St John Fisher Sophmore Chad Chadson, right before he ran across the street to tell a women she should “smile more”

The men who tore down the Post Malone statue are being charged with terrorism and will be set to death, due to the fact that they weren’t underage drinking while white when the incident occurred, thus giving them no excuse.

“Sadly our hands are tied, the law is the law, you can’t just go around committing these kinds of crimes while being so brazenly not white, and not expect consequences.” Said the Chief of Police who kept telling us he has “tons of black friends, honestly” despite us not asking.

ROCHESTER, NY – It was a scene straight out of West Side Story if the “West Side” was Greece and the “story” was reckless intoxication after playing a sport intended for 4th graders.

“Those jerks thought they were gonna get an easy win today but we brought our A game and at least three of the guys on our team have keg stand abilities that easily overshadow the absence in their children’s lives.” Said Max Mokena of KLOR team Spiral Red Velvet Rainbow Bubblegum Chocolate Peppermint Phish Food

When all the foam settled, KLOR came out on top wheone of the players on NACKA committed a foul by tipping a keg over before it was completely tapped.

ROCHESTER, NY – That’s not sleigh bells you hear rumbling down Alexander Street! Santa’s are coming to town on a bender for the ages as they just wrestled a bunch of St John Fisher grads off their rolling bicycle tour bus thing and are ready to paint the town with the printer cartridges they jacked on their way out the door at the big X.

“On Bob! On Jeff! On Daniel & Lyle! On Barry, on Gary, on Billy & Larry!” The head of customer service John Bellmont called out to his newly unemployed brethren as they cycled down to Firehouse saloon for $3 boilermakers.

ROCHESTER, NY – After years of being adversaries, the feud between local billionaire and geese that like to occupy his lake house property has been put on hold as both parties agree the city has mismanaged the original vision for a new performing arts center downtown.

While the geese could not be reached for comment, they had poured their support* into the medley center revitalization project in Irondequoit.

*goose shit

ROCHESTER, NY – The Democrat and Chronicle released its yearly local establishment rankings this week, once again naming the highly popular Highland Park Diner on South Clinton as the city’s #1 spot to stand in line at for hours on end.

“When you break the city’s best lines down to their individual features,” Rochester’s largest newspaper explained in their report, “[the Highland Park Diner] stands out in every category: the food other people are eating smells great, the people in line with you are friendly, and the scenery outside–where you’ll be spending the majority of your time there–is second to none.”

The Highland Park Diner has won this honor every year except 2012, when reporters were unable to make a left turn into the parking lot.

Other notable picks this year were the 490-590 interchange for “Worst Place to Raise a Child” and the East Ave. Wegmans parking lot for “Cheapest Assisted Suicide”.

ROCHESTER, NY – Over 350,000 people have been confirmed dead in Mt. Hope Cemetery, the City of Rochester informed us in an exclusive interview.

“Wait, are you reporting this as news?” one city official asked. “It’s an extremely old cemetery; these deaths aren’t a surprise to anyone. What publication did you say you’re with?”

Our investigation was spurred by a tip from Alice Kaminsky—a Rochester native and a regular jogger in the Cemetery—who claimed to have spotted tens of thousands of gravestones marking human corpses all around her.

“It was surreal,” Kaminsky told us. “All those years I’d been jogging in the Cemetery, and to just head there like it was any other morning and be surrounded by this massive cloud of death…I don’t think I’ll be able to go back.”

Conservative estimates place the Cemetery-area death rate as high as 500 deaths/year, and the City of Rochester is urging residents, especially families with small children, to avoid renting or buying houses in the Cemetery for the foreseeable future.

At press time, City Officials were no longer taking our calls.