Thousands and Thousands Confirmed Dead in Mt. Hope Cemetery

ROCHESTER, NY – Over 350,000 people have been confirmed dead in Mt. Hope Cemetery, the City of Rochester informed us in an exclusive interview.

“Wait, are you reporting this as news?” one city official asked. “It’s an extremely old cemetery; these deaths aren’t a surprise to anyone. What publication did you say you’re with?”

Our investigation was spurred by a tip from Alice Kaminsky—a Rochester native and a regular jogger in the Cemetery—who claimed to have spotted tens of thousands of gravestones marking human corpses all around her.

“It was surreal,” Kaminsky told us. “All those years I’d been jogging in the Cemetery, and to just head there like it was any other morning and be surrounded by this massive cloud of death…I don’t think I’ll be able to go back.”

Conservative estimates place the Cemetery-area death rate as high as 500 deaths/year, and the City of Rochester is urging residents, especially families with small children, to avoid renting or buying houses in the Cemetery for the foreseeable future.

At press time, City Officials were no longer taking our calls.

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