University of Rochester Scientists Begin Research on Accelerating Global Warming

ROCHESTER, NY – Faced with the recent cold snap, which plunged the air temperature down to a dangerous -24 degrees Fahrenheit after wind chill, scientists from the University of Rochester have undertaken an emergency research project to accelerate global warming, the University announced late Thursday night.

“Current models predict a 2 degree Celsius increase in global average temperature by 2020, which should frankly alarm everyone,” visibly shivering postdoctoral researcher Lydia van der Horst told us in an interview. “That’s far too slow; we’re looking to get at least 5 degrees by the end of 2019.”

The researchers are drawing up plans for a coal plant of unprecedented scale. The energy produced by the coal plant will then be used to break apart old carbon deposits in the soil, further polluting the atmosphere to trap heat and avoid more winters like this one.

In addition to the coal plant, other teams are working on accelerating global warming with a combination of pro-driving social campaigns, international shipping incentives for the world’s top exporters, and something called “hyper-beef”.

“If global warming continues like this unaided,” Dr. van der Horst warned, “we may keep seeing winters like this, over and over. Everyone needs to do their part: eat more meat, drive bigger cars, and leave your lights on. Our future is at stake.”

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