Rochester,NY- “Ah you smell that? Summers in the air!”
The smell Hank was talking of was crusted seagull shit, which he desperately tried to scrape off of his windshield after what appeared to be a Syrian drone strike like assault of white feces covered his 4 door sedan.
“Gotta love it!” he exclaimed gleefully as he got into his car and turned on his windshield wipers, which just spread the shit all over his windshield, achieving nothing.
“I can’t catch a break” Said Klara Hitler, mother of 6 month old Adolf.
“I don’t know what exactly he did to deserve this, I mean that one time he spit up on our new rug, but I don’t think that warrant this amount of attempted assassinations.”
Like clockwork, every night at around 6pm Klara says a different man in a shiny jumpsuit materializes in her home and attempts to murder her son.
“At this point it’s just annoying. I mean I barely get any sleep as it is, what with the newborn and all, and now I’ve got to fight off intergalactic time travelers to boot, and they always show up right in the middle of supper, like, come on!.”
Rochester,NY- After years of suspicion, Rochester native Hugo Johnson finally learned that the traffic on 490 east had truly being f***ing kidding him this whole time.
“I felt vindicated, to be quite honest.” Said Johnson as he weaved in and out of lanes in a fruitless attempt to move his car slightly closer to exit 19 in gridlocked traffic.
“I remember when I was a kid and I first took the highway, the traffic was awful and all I could think was….you’ve gotta be f***ing kidding me?”
“To know that I was right all along almost makes it worth it.”
We had planned to interview Mr.Johnson longer but in the midst of our interview he exited his vehicle and started a physical altercation with a car behind him who had honked when he dangerously cut them off going 73 mph.
Rochester,NY- “We wanted our kids to have fun for Easter but also use this as a teaching moment about animal cruelty and the disgusting practice of factory farming” said Dawson Kreek father of Egg Hunters Bracken, Auden, and Fenton. “But then the eggs starting hatching and we, pardon the pun, all have egg on our face. Our children think we’re monsters.”
It wasn’t too soon after the official egg hunt whistle blew that all of the slightly hidden easter eggs started hatching. Soon the streets of the South Wedge were filled with new-born chicks. But since the eggs had been half boiled and dyed per the Easter tradition, the majority of chicks were born heavily deformed and dyed bright colors.
The South Wedge Family Counseling Service has made themselves available for any child suffering from PTCD (post traumatic chick dysmorphia).
Rochester, NY- Panic struck a family friendly event today. At the annual Charlotte Beach Easter Egg Hunt, a child found an apparently used hypodermic needle in the sand. A story that normally would shock most has had a bit of a strange reaction from the public. Mayor of Charlotte Beach (as decided by his dominate number of check-ins on Foursquare), Scott Herman, commented on the story, saying “that’s not even close to the worse thing we have found.”
In years past the Easter Egg Hunt has been a family friendly event but each year it is ruined by the discovery of some sort of contraband. “Nothing was worse than the 2008 hunt,” said Foursquare Mayor Herman. “That was the year we found all that evidence from the Alphabet Killings.” Some of the other things included in their findings over the years include; a disposable Kodak camera with tasteful nudes of former Mayor Bob Duffy on it, a human hand holding a knife and two people having sex dressed as Red Wing’s mascots Spikes and Mittsy.
The police are still trying to figure out whether or not the child who found the needle didn’t plant it there himself. Law enforcement officials say, “Kids of all ages are getting into smack now a days, that kid could have just gotten all juiced up and stashed it to hide the evidence.
Mayor Herman tells us that he hopes the findings don’t deter people from participating for years to come. “That is the fun of an Easter Egg Hunt. You never know what you’re going to find!” says Herman. “It’s like searching for a piece of history!”
Rochester,NY- Due to the now nationally known incident at United Airlines, Rochester Airport has now decided to jump on the bandwagon and has given their employees full permission to sucker punch any person on an airplane for no reason whatsoever. This decision was made to really let people know that the Rochester airport is not just some “safe place” where nothing really happens and just kind of lame. This is a new campaign to show the Rochester airport can be dangerous and news worthy! We spoke with Adrian Schultz a flight attendant for the Rochester airport for over twenty years to see how she’s taking the news.
” When it was first announced, I was skeptical, but now I feel so empowered! The other day this older man was just asking me if we had sparkling water and I hit him so hard in the mouth he swallowed his dentures! Who knew punching complete strangers could be so freeing! I love sneaking up on people who are trying to nap and punching them right in their naive little ears. I heard we get a nice little bonus if it’s a person of color! I love working here!”
Rochester airport has declined to respond if they are offering a christmas bonus for yelling the most racial slurs while passengers are boarding their flight.
Rochester,NY- It’s that time of the year again, where we forget that the Irish people have a rich history of amazing accomplishments and just dumb them down to a mental illness that has plagued their families for generations on end,”alcoholism”. Yet, this is not the topic of this article today. Today we are here to honor the one lone black man in the St. Patrick’s day parade, this man remained unnamed, yet is a hero in everyone’s book. Here at the Inner Loop, we have written a letter to his strange black man, who dares defy the odds.
Dear Lone Black Man,
We don’t know how you got there and quite honestly, we do not care. We only want you to know that from here on out, you are to be considered a hero among us peasants, where we could not in a million years imagine putting ourselves in your position, we look at you as a mythical being, transcending even time and space, better than the astronauts, better than the scientist who cure diseases. You dare to put yourself in a crowd of drunken angry irish white people, who to be quite honest, are probably fifty percent cops. You walk among them, like a sheep among wolves waiting to be devoured. You sir are one of a kind. We salute you, walk down that street filled with the false idols of floats and the irish dancers confined to the same rhythm of life. You have your own rhythm, no one will ever be able to touch it. Thank you sir, we thought heroes were a thing of the past. Yet we are all in awe of your greatness. A thousand fortunes and blessings upon your family sir.
Sincerely, The Inner Loop
Rochester,NY- Limbo, Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Anger, Heresy, Violence, Fraud, Treachery. These are the nine circles of hell, but today is a big day. Satan has just announced that this year they are set to add the east avenue Wegmans parking lot as a much awaited tenth circle of hell. We spoke with the leader of hellfire himself to see how excited he is for this new addition.
“You know, the minute I drove into the east avenue Wegmans parking lot, I knew it was a match made in hell. Seriously, it has to be one of the most disorganized, chaotic messes I’ve ever seen or had to be apart of! This is coming from a guy who single-handedly created the bubonic plague! I mean I love Wegmans, don’t get me wrong, but were they trying to create a new circle of hell for me? It feels like it, you know I thought the circle of gluttony and lust was a pretty raw deal, but I can’t wait to see the face on some of the newcomers when they realize they’re stuck in a never-ending bumper to bumper of the wegmans parking lot. Very excited for this new addition and I can’t wait to hear some of the feedback from the regulars”
Satan plans on adding this circle in the next month or so. He said he even may have potential plans for an eleventh circle of hell being a guy who can’t remember his Netflix password to save his life.
January 22, 2017
WASHINGTON – A mere two days after his final day as the Vice President of the United States, Joseph Biden was seen today attempting to break into a window to get back into the White House this Sunday morning.
When asked what he was doing, former Vice President Biden said “I gotta get my Skynard mug! That things a collectible, I got it when I saw them on tour in ’72. Stole it from a girl after I bonked her in the bathroom. That things gotta be worth 15-20 bucks these days, thats an antique!”
He said as he continued to fish a wire hanger into the window in a fruitless attempt to break into one of the most secure buildings in the country.
Moments later, as the Secret Service closed in, President Biden screamed “Ditch your doobs!” as he threw what appeared to be a lit marijuana cigarette into the bushes and began scaling the nearest fence.
With the election season heating up, and the first debate coming up this Monday. I thought I’d compile a list of the top 5 questions we’re all hoping will be addressed during the debates
1) Why does the old man want my bones?
Everytime I walk by the old man he yells at me to give him my bones. What does he want with my bones? Neither candidate has addressed this.
2. How do we fix the economy ?
I guess this is important, they should probably give us some answers there, but I’ll be honest this isn’t the most pressing issue for me.
3. What would you even do with a bunch of bones?
This one has been on my mind alot lately. What exactly would an old man do with a bunch of bones? I have never gotten a clear answer from the old man and Donald Trumps press secretary refused to comment. (What is he hiding? Why not just answer the question?)
4. Is Donald Trumps press secretary working for the old man?
Honestly, why would he refuse to answer my question if he wasn’t somehow in cahoots with the old man who sits in the alleyway next to my house? I need to know for sure that Donald Trump is in no way linked to the man who wants my bones, because I do not like that man and I will not vote for a candidate who supports his constant requests for bones.
5. What is the consequence for not giving the old man my bones?
I worry more and more each day what will happen if I do not give in and just allow the old man to have my bones. It’s a tricky decision because I think I need my bones to live, but I fear what will happen if I do not please the old man. I really hope they get right to this issue in the debates because it seems to be the most pressing. I can’t seem to get a straight answer from either candidates supporters on where they stand on this issue, many of them simply ask me to leave them alone or to never come to that Denny’s again.
Well, there you have it, hopefully we get some answers tomorrow during the first debate. If you have any information about old men, bones, the stealing of bones, how to transition into a life without bones, or other related topics. Please email me at samlibutti@gmail.com
