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“Mystic” Kind of Predicts Prince’s Death

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It was a slow news day today, so it came as a surprise when several local men (large, awful, sweaty men) came bursting into the Inner Loop office. They were panting something terrible and it certainly wasn’t words.

“What are you saying?” Our chief editor squeaked, his tiny mouth quivering on the bottom of his huge, terrible head, “WE NEED THIS SCOOP GUYS!”

After what seemed like an eternity of sweat and panting, the most porcine of the lot lifted his head, and with the filthy voice of some grand swine gurgled out, “She knew it would happen! She predicted that Prince would die!”

So we followed them back to the Mystic’s lair, a one room Air BnB rental in a trailer park outside of Lima, NY.

When we went inside, it smelled great, but looked like a carnival shit-house. The dust was frothing and every grease stain seemed to have its own family. Truly, this was the home of a very powerful wizard, or a very annoying necromancer at the least.

“….I-” boomed the voice of a small child in the back portion of the one room, “-Have seen what cannot be unseen!”

Oh yeah. Mystic shit is abound dear reader.

“So you are the mystic that predicted the exact time of Princes death?” Inner Loop Chief Editor squawked like a damp, flightless bird, “How did you know!?”

The mystic drew a deep breath. Here is a photocopy of the drawing:

https://wellplayedmusic.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/deep-breath.jpg

Then she said, “Back in 2009, I told everyone that people who were famous in the 70’s and 80’s would probably start dying in the next 50 years”

We were shocked. She was definitely not wrong. We were dumbstruck. Dumbfounded. Definitely an appropriate amount of surprised

Ladies and Gentleman, psychics are among us. It is our duty as mothers and Americans to round them up and put them into cages, lest they use their powers to tell us other things. Like what time breakfast should be, or why your dad sometimes doesn’t pick up the first time you call.

We started with this terrible mystic, and now its up to you. God Bless America, and good luck.

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Bathroom Riots at Blue Cross as Local Man Makes Sandwich

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Rochester, NY – Brandon Crater, a local Corn Hill Landing man, was browsing his Facebook feed and happened upon an Intranet Meeem about trans-gendered bathrooms being a result of President Obamas administration.

“I know it was only one of those 4Chans,” said Crater. “But it really messed with my jimmies. It was a picture of President Bush with the caption ‘When I was in office, people knew what bathroom to use.’ I don’t really care too much for the intranets or the meeems on it, but it just made me uncomfortable. Trans gendered people have been using bathrooms they’ve been comfortable with for decades. The only people making it difficult are the old and bigoted white men that make laws that encourage intolerance.”

Brandon Crater responded to the meeem with a quick Facebook post then went into his kitchen to make a sandwich. When he returned to his desk, he looked outside of his Corn Hill apartment building and saw the flames and anarchy he had created downtown.

“I got back to my computer and had over five hundred notifications. At first I just kept laughing and eating my turkey on rye. I don’t care all that much about the movement because it doesn’t affect me. I still find it really funny that I created that much argument from one joke post on Facebook.”

“When I saw the riots downtown and all my friends that were posting on my status were throwing Molotov Cocktails into the windows at Blue Cross, all I could do was laugh because it was so funny how butt hurt all of these people got in the matter of seconds.”

The riots will forever be known as the Adult Infidelity Defecation Scuffle or AIDS for short.

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5 Signs Your Drug Dealer is Still in High School

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Rochester, NY- We’re adults here. There is no need to be rude, to pass judgement, or to be anxious. You just gotta walk up to his 95′ Subaru Outback, knock on the window and give him this fistful of hamilton’s that have been burning a hole in your pocket for a week. It’s gonna help you relax, and your other dealer told you this guy was good until he re-ups.

Alright. Knock on the window. Hand him the sweaty money. Get bag. Hold on…Something isn’t right here…

  1. This is definitely Oregano in a bag- Like, Im 26, I can tell what is weed and what is oregano. This is f***ing oregano. Who the f***thinks they can get away with selling oregano?
  2. You definitely sold oregano when you were in high school- Everyone knew that one kid who would buy anything if you told him it would get him high. Johnny sold him some laundry lint and told him it was PCP, kid came in the next day saying he tripped for a week, everyone laughed; good joke on an idiot. But it takes balls to sell a sandwich bag of not-weed to an older guy.
  3. Shit, is it rude to check it in front of him?- I mean, he definitely wouldn’t sell to you again if you do that, and you have another week or so before you other guy  re-ups. Damn, I’m in a tight spot.
  4. Wait, what movie is that from?- Shit, its that Coen Brothers movie…which one was it. It had George Clooney and…John Turturro? Why the f***can I remember him but not the name of the f***in…it was like depression era? Oh! OH!
  5. “O Brother, Where Art Thou?”!- Ah Man! I love that movie! aww, I definitely got to get real weed and watch that movie again. Wait where did he go?

F***ing shit. Well, serves me right for buying 6 separate dime bags of weed on a Thursday afternoon in a high-school parking lot. F***ing teens.

Im gonna go huff spray paint in my garage and watch A Bugs Life, f*** it.

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Rolling Stones Guitarist Keith Richards Found Alive in His Connecticut Home

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Weston, Ct.– At his private Connecticut estate today, Keith Richards, the acclaimed Rolling Stones guitarist, was discovered still alive, somehow. Patrick Sanger, a groundskeeper at the estate and longtime friend of Richards, reported he found him early Tuesday morning jovially humming the tune to “Paint It Black” as he heated a crushed up Lipitor tablet in a teaspoon with a lighter.

The guitarist and songwriter had, by all accounts, remained in good health over the past year of touring with The Rolling Stones, despite having spent most of his life taking enough illicit chemicals on a daily basis to kill Charlie Sheen several times over. These days, of course, the aging rocker limits himself to taking medication for arthritis caused by years of guitar playing and constantly having to endorse royalty checks every time Martin Scorsese puts “Gimme Shelter” in another movie.

In a year marked by the passing of such musical icons as David Bowie, Lou Reed, and Prince, many in the industry were shocked to learn of Richards’ survival.

“You just keep hearing about all these legends being lost before their time,” said Ric Ocasek, longtime frontman of The Cars, in a telephone interview. “Keith, man,” he continued, “I could’ve sworn it was a few years ago I was spinning my ‘Let It Bleed’ LP in his honor. Or was that… Let me get back to you, I need to go Google the names of everyone I knew in Aerosmith and Cheap Trick.”

Fans of Keith Richards, for now, can anticipate plenty more to come from the man and his band, as The Rolling Stones have just announced the release of a $3,000 box set of albums you already own and have announced tour dates for 2341 at the first permanent manned settlement on the moon.

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5 Reasons I Became An Atheist

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  1. The Communion wafers were stale.

I don’t consider myself high class or anything, but is it too much to ask for a little crunch?

  1. I have introduced myself to Mr. Jenkins at least fifteen times by now.

After about the seventh time, I really started to question my faith. I know Mr. Jenkins is old, but I see him every week. Come on.

  1. The wafers are stale, like really stale.

Look, I’m not expecting a five-class restaurant. It’s just, I know the Church has zip-loc bags in the kitchen, are they not using them?

  1. The Universe is a spinning void of complete nothingness that lacks any semblance of order, there is no fathomable way we are created or ruled by an Omnipotent entity.

Honestly, this was just a little thing on top of the wafer issue.

  1. The wafers were stale.

How can there be a God if the metaphorical representation of his supposed son are so gross and chewy?

 

 

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Artist Formerly Alive as Prince Reportedly ‘Killing It’ in Afterlife

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Comedian ‘Prince’ has brought his audience to hysterics once again by being proclaimed unresponsive in an elevator in his Paisley Park Compound earlier this week. This is likely to be the entertainers last performance, as it is difficult to regain consciousness after our stupid human bodies are pronounced dead for longer than 24 hours.

Our Resident Chief Director of Seance Communications and K-cup ordering for the office Michelle Brockaur managed to have a tea interview with the recently deceased.

“I’m loving it up here baby,” said Ghost Prince. “Other spirits keep confusing me for Rick James, but there’s no hard feeling”. He would go on to talk about his plans for the coming eternity in the afterlife. “Yeah baby, Me and James Brown got this idea of going on tour up here. From the River Styx to Saint Peters Door, we got connections and hook ups to have some of the greatest shows this dimension has ever known”.

During the interview, Ghost Michael Jackson kept humming and moaning while doing a moonwalk behind Prince. While he was not entertained, Ms. Brockaur went on record to say it was the second best seance she had ever. “Second only to Philip Seymour Hoffman and Robin Williams ad libbing the ending to Donnie Darko”.

The musical genius was 57 when he passed. He will be forever missed.

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Rochester Time Square Building to be Renamed Trump Square Building in Celebration of Primary Results

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Rochester NY – If there’s anything Donald Drumpf loves more than winning primaries, it’s putting his name on stuff. After the registered sociopath and Presidential hopefuls glorious display in the New York closed primaries, he has decided to wave his magic gold wand and legally declare all of New York state ‘Drumpfland’. Local Drumpfians were a wonderful mix of aghast and in astonished aww as our new commanding overlords began branding all of New York’s beautiful architecture with the ‘Drumpf’ trademark and dusting all of the states population and ground belongings in a soft gold paint.

Downtown Rochester has officially been renamed ‘Drumpftopia’ by our magnificent leader. By the end of the week every building from Charlotte to Canandaigua will bear the Drumpf logo and every street will be painted “The best color of gold you can ever see. It’s Drumpf Gold,” to quote our lord and commander.

Many liberal try-hards spoke out against Emperor Drumpf, questioning the legality of Drumpfed acquisition of Drumpfland. Those losers were of course, never heard from again.

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Lilac Festival Announces Cultural Appropriation Awareness Booth

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Rochester, NY – Mary Costner, the Director of Cultural Studies and Understanding at the University of Rochester, is excited to announce a brand new cultural appropriation curriculum coming to the University this fall. She plans to debut a watered down curriculum for a group of lucky participants at the Lilac Festival in May.

“After the events of that one chick being a total bitch at San Fransisco State, and some ginger woman becoming the leader of the Washington State NAACP, I felt it was my civic duty as a White American female to teach other ethnicities what white culture is and why they shouldn’t do it.” Costner said, while holding her trademark ‘Costner for Starbucks’ mug and wearing her ‘White Woman Only’ The North Face sweater. It became very clear early in our interview that Costner was unaware of the fact that she herself was actually an African American, and seemed to hold on to what could be seen as ‘white culture’ with as much respect and confusion as Hillary Clinton holding on to Bills phallic member.

“I realized that if so many people want to preserve their culture, then they need to stop doing as us white people do and learn to love their heritage again, by force.” Mary said, while signaling toward the trove of machines and what could only be described as medieval torture devices that lay beneath her tent. “You see, using Pavlovian methods of association, I will teach woman of non-white cultures that doing things like reaching for John Greene novels and not having corn-roles in their hair, will eventually cause them as much pain as they cause their ancestors.”

 

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Protests erupt across Monroe County as Jenna’s parents terminate cable subscription

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Webster, NY– Hundreds of residents took to the streets Thursday evening after losing access to their HBO Go logins thanks to Jenna Hartree’s cheap ass parents cancelling their contract with Time Warner Cable. Sources for The Inner Loop Blog say as many as 2,000 may lose access to the service mere days before the season 6 premiere of Game of Thrones. Carl and Edith Hartree, of Webster, said in a statement they chose to end their cable television service as part of an effort to cut back on expenses in their retirement, and had no idea their daughter had been sharing their HBO password with so many people. The couple also denounced the protests and vowed they would not back down from the decision, mentioning that re-runs of The Big Bang Theory on CBS were the only television programs they really cared about anyway.

Demonstrators on Monroe Ave. and in the South Wedge have so far remained largely peaceful while carrying signs and chanting slogans such as “No John Oliver, No Peace,” and “Burn It Down, Burn It Down, True Detective, Eastbound And Down.”

“I was like, 2 episodes away from finishing The Jynx, and now I just don’t know what I’m going to do on Friday night,” said Brad Edsel, 23, a protester we caught up with on Meigs St. His despair was echoed by dozens of other 20-something baristas, grad students, and starving artist types who had all been looking forward to binge watching The Leftovers and drinking red wine alone with their cats this weekend.

We reached out to Jenna Hartree for comment by writing “Why your parents gotta be so lame?” On a cocktail napkin, tying it to a brick and throwing it through her apartment window, but her spokesperson has declined to comment.
Editor’s Note: A previous version of this article misidentified a protester’s sign as reading, “Orange Is The New Black Lives Matter,” which was actually from an earlier demonstration after Greg’s stupid ex-girlfriend changed her Netflix password

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An Open Letter to People Writing Open Letters

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Stop It. For the love of God, please. I know it’s you Carol. I know that it is you writing all of these open letters because Devon left you. But Jesus Christ woman, get a grip. All of your stories are awful, and they don’t make sense. Between “An Open Letter to My Absentee Dad” to “An Open Letter to My Over Protective Father” I can tell that you have as big of a problem with continuity as Donald Trump has with Mexicans – you know it’s around, so you offensively disregard it anyway.

Do us all a favor, close your MacBook and leave whatever Starbucks you are over infesting with your patchouli scented book bag and your cis-normative femscum bullshit. Go back to your whatever Ann Coulter novel is ‘speaking to you’ this month and leave us alone.