Rochester, NY – Mary Costner, the Director of Cultural Studies and Understanding at the University of Rochester, is excited to announce a brand new cultural appropriation curriculum coming to the University this fall. She plans to debut a watered down curriculum for a group of lucky participants at the Lilac Festival in May.

“After the events of that one chick being a total bitch at San Fransisco State, and some ginger woman becoming the leader of the Washington State NAACP, I felt it was my civic duty as a White American female to teach other ethnicities what white culture is and why they shouldn’t do it.” Costner said, while holding her trademark ‘Costner for Starbucks’ mug and wearing her ‘White Woman Only’ The North Face sweater. It became very clear early in our interview that Costner was unaware of the fact that she herself was actually an African American, and seemed to hold on to what could be seen as ‘white culture’ with as much respect and confusion as Hillary Clinton holding on to Bills phallic member.

“I realized that if so many people want to preserve their culture, then they need to stop doing as us white people do and learn to love their heritage again, by force.” Mary said, while signaling toward the trove of machines and what could only be described as medieval torture devices that lay beneath her tent. “You see, using Pavlovian methods of association, I will teach woman of non-white cultures that doing things like reaching for John Greene novels and not having corn-roles in their hair, will eventually cause them as much pain as they cause their ancestors.”