ROCHESTER, NY – David Bates, age 24, has reported that he has gone at least a full 24 hour day without accosting any of his co-workers or loved ones. It is noted that he has also not made an overreaching political or aggressively sarcastic Facebook post about Donald Trump supporters in at least half an hour.

“It has really felt like any other day. I woke up, walked my dog, and even saw a few of my neighbors on my way to the car,” David recounts. “Normally I’m expressively negative, but I haven’t even called anyone a dillweed since I saw that guy in the park wearing socks with sandals.”

It is more often that we see young adults cursing their very existence by roughly 9am. Studies have also shown that the more peer to peer social interactions we participate in will drastically increase the amount of disdain they have for themselves or others.

“I’ve even tried being genuinely friendlier. It hasn’t worked by any means, my smiles and my laughs are still fake. Yet, I’ve been through several conversations with Brenda in the break room and I haven’t pictured throwing her out the window of a Boeing 787 at all.”

David’s record breaking day of zero imprecation was brought to a sad end while waiting in line at a local grocery store and boutique. After going the entire day without screaming bloody murder at anyone or passive aggressively staring at a passer-by because of their frontier hipster hat choice, David overheard a radio commercial where the announcer was using the phrase “Poké-Mans” un-ironically and consequentially lost his shit.

Well boys and girls, it’s just that time of the year again. The lunar cycles are becoming more condensed as a constant symbol of humanity falling into darkness becomes more and more clear. It’s time for all of us here at The Inner Loop to name all of our People of 2016. Here’s a quick look at our Top 10 People.

1.) Ghandi – He’s still cool right? I mean, I know a lot of people have forgotten his history or don’t really know why he’s important at all. In fact, I think I’ve completely forgotten too. What the f*** did this guy do? Didn’t he stand in front of a bunch of tanks or something so students could read in China? I don’t know, never mind. Ghandi didn’t do shit.

2.) Gregg – Now here’s a guy.

3.) Scarlett Johansson – She’s pretty great. And let’s be mature here everyone, she’s got a beautiful body. . . of work. I mean did you see her skin. . . I mean Under the Skin. Great movie. I’ve got no idea what it’s about, some body snatchers that steal humans that disappear into the floor. Awesome. I’d let Andre the Giant punch me in the dick with a fist full of bees just to watch her walk across a back-dropped stage for 45 minutes.

4.) My Buddy Gordie – Have you met Gordie? Aww he’s awesome. He’s got a lot of great stories. This one time, he overheard his older brother talking about this dead body a couple miles down the train tracks. So Me, Gordie, Jerry O’Connell, and Rivers Pheonix, went on this crazy adventure to find Ray’s body next to the train tracks and become local heroes! Wait, no, that’s definitely just the plot to Stand By Me. . . Whatever, Gordie’s pretty cool.

5.) My Dog Milo – I know, I know, my dog is not ‘technically’ human. But he’s a lot more fun to be around. I’d say I would rather be with my dog more often than I want to hang out with people. He never asks me where I’m going with my life and why I never call my mother IT’S BECAUSE I’M DEPRESSED MOM. AND I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO TALK ABOUT……..

6.) Steve Buscemi – America’s fun loving punching bag. What a nice guy. He was a FDNY volunteer firefighter and even went back to his roots after 9/11 to help first respondents look for survivors (Which is more than that douche Giuliani did, AMIRITE!?)

7.) Tyga – I chose Tyga because he perfectly represents what the American Dream really is today. Just be a no talent hack with a bunch of Apple products and keep making your shitty music next to Justin Bieber until even shittier people give you a lot of money. F. Scott Fitzgerald has officially turned his casket into a rotisserie because he cannot stop rolling in his grave.

8.) Gregg – Did I mention Gregg yet? Whatever, he’s one hell of a guy.

9.) Reclining Chairs – Alright, alright. I guess I don’t actually mean “Reclining Chairs”, that’s ridiculous. I guess I mean those hinges that go underneath the seats to make the chairs recline. Those are awesome and do so much for humanity and civilization. Being comfortable at your own leisure is what made America Great again. . . Wait, What’s the PeaceCorp again?

10.) Me – Because F*** You, that’s why. I’m awesome.

Rochester, NY – It was a rollercoaster of a day for Brandon Morris, a young Corn Hill native. While enjoying the craft beverages and artisanal Sunglass Hut at the Corn Hill Festival, Brandon was coerced into trying a new strand of mushrooms that he would later describe as “Sweet like candy to my soul. Sweet you rock and sweet you roll.”

This new species of mushroom, named Amanita davecaria activates a strain of chemicals in the brain causing the user to experience a euphoric delirium. The psychoactive chemicals also render the user incapable of saying any complete sentences, other than Dave Matthew Band Lyrics.

“I can’t believe that we would lie in our graves. Wondering if we had spent our living days well. I can’t believe that we would lie in our graves; dreaming of things that we might have been,” said Brandon, after being asked what he did for a living. “If you hold on tight to what you think is your thing, you may find you’re missing all the rest.”

Hoping that the young man had a family or a loved one that was protecting him through this misadventure, I asked how his girlfriend felt about taking these experimental psychedelics. He said “She feels like kicking out all the windows and setting fire to this life. She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright. But all the colors mix together – to grey, and it breaks her heart”

Then I asked him why he would put his girlfriend through the stress of not being able to communicate or talk to one another. He replied “See you and me have a better time than most can dream of, better than the best, so we can pull on through, whatever tears at us, whatever holds us down, and if nothing can be done, we’ll make the best of what’s around.”

Finally, I asked Brandon what he was planning on doing for the rest of the evening. His response was “Celebrate we will. Because life is short but sweet for certain.”

Penfield NY – Josh Greene was enjoying a relaxing drive with his friend Robert Alton last Wednesday when they got themselves into a bit of trouble. Driving down I-590, Robert decided to pull out his brand new smoking pipe to enjoy a healthy dose of Rochesters finest sticky-icky (A California 5 out of 10).

It was then that some concerned drivers and passengers that had witnessed the endeavor decided to change their condescending, passive aggressive glances into a full blown NarcFest 3000.

Officer Bryan Schnyder was the first to give a shit about the reports. Since he wasn’t getting any at home, he decided it would be fun to hunt these boys down and intimidate them long enough to see if they’d piss themselves. It was either that or stare blankly at the road signs and wonder how Rhonda has been spending so much time at spin class and hasn’t lost any weight.

Upon seeing the flashing lights in the rear view, Robert decided to act quickly. He looked over with the eyes of a scared man and a confident wombat and told Josh to ‘trust’ him. Quickly, he opened up a compartment in his weed pouch and pulled out a 3 week old Italian BMT from Subway. He opened the sandwich and put all of the weed inside, and opened the Subway bag and hid all of his paraphernalia inside.

When questioned about the contraband, Josh remained silent and poise, while Robert decided to take a more forward approach. The young man repeated the phrase “We ain’t toasten fat blunts, yo. Just these kush subs.”

The officer realized the kids clearly had social disabilities, and decided not to further the investigation. He then turned all of his efforts toward Bret, and that cheating whore Rhonda.