All posts by lthiers

Man Skips High School Reunion, Sees Everyone at Fireman’s Carnival Anyway

Greece, NY- Area resident Richard Dentman knew just what to do with his Ten Year High School Reunion invitation.

“I threw it right in the trash!” He laughed. “I know for some people high school was ‘the best years of their life’, not me. I don’t want to see any of those people again.”

But when his girlfriend insisted on attending the Barnard Firefighters Carnival last Saturday, he knew he probably would not avoid any of the people he hoped to that weekend.

“Yep. Shelia Bowkolski, who dumped me the day of prom, she’s working for Gweneth Paltrow’s company out of Brooklyn, or as she called it ‘The Paris of NY’, I swear to God she said that.” Richard mused before forming his hand into a gun shape and placing his finger to his temple in a “Shoot Me In The Head” type gesture.

There were apparently several others that evening who besieged themselves upon Richard and his unsuspecting girlfriend.

Alan Thomas Jr., a former baseball teammate of Richards, spends most of his time commenting on articles on FaceBook ranting about politics. This didn’t him from stopping from catching the young couple up on his expansive and batshit crazy world view while they rode the Merry Go Round however.

“Fucking Chaz and Tony Winchester moved to Florida to work for their Dads company. They’ve somehow become even more terrible human beings. Never tell someone that they’re the worst, because they will prove to you they can be worse.” Richard added, although it was unclear if they were at the carnival, or if he was simply on a tangent at this point.

Advertisements

RPO Attempts to Appeal to Younger Audience by Playing Symphonies in ‘Cardi-B Minor’

Rochester, NY- Rochester’s Philharmonic Orchestra is making some changes. In an attempt to appeal to millennial and younger concert goers, Johan Sebastian Bach’s “Symphony in B Minor” will now be played in Cardi B Minor.

When asked how the changes will be received by the older patrons, RPO director Belcalus Almanzar had this to say, “Nah, they old Ima do me, butterfly’s all up in my vagina (sic) okurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.”

In response to our question about whether other modern popular artist’s music would be making an appearance at Eastman Theater, we were only met with a very threatening sounding laugh.

RIT Grad Excited to Pay off Photography Degree by Working at Java’s for the Next 72 Years

Rochester, NY – Area resident and recent RIT graduate Ivy Rosemont can’t wait to join the workforce after 4 years in the widely respected photography program at the school.

“I love using old fashioned development techniques for film, but obviously I work with digital media all the time too.” Said Ivy, who begins her career at longtime local favorite coffee slingers Java’s on Saturday. “My latte art isn’t all that strong, RIT didn’t offer many classes in that, but they’re willing to work with me and I’m excited to learn!”

Ivy’s soon to be manager, Deke Handelman, who also plays in a Rusted Root cover band, said that working in a coffee shop like Java’s is a great way to earn a living and pay back ones student loans. “Honestly, accounting for a fifteen cent raise every six years, her loans should be more or less paid off by 2091.”

When asked if she’d be living the East End neighborhood that Java’s resides in, Ms. Rosemount laughed “Oh fuck no I’m moving back home! Do I look rich to you? Can you read?”

And while she couldn’t find work that directly put her degree to use, she expects plenty of opportunities to use her skill set. “I’m sure they’ll want like pictures of drinks and stuff, and maybe they’ll want me to run their social media for free?”

Cilantro Shortage Leads To “Purge-Like” Conditions At Food Truck Rodeo

Rochester, NY – The Rochester Public Market is in disarray after a post-Cinco de Mayo Cilantro shortage leads to a riot and subsequent looting at the most recent Food Truck Rodeo event. A large number of businesses were impacted by the shortage, including several trucks and a nearby cocktail bar. When asked if the cocktail bar was putting Cilantro in drinks, a passerby simply rolled his eyes and nodded.

The fighting was compared by eyewitnesses to the Purge series of films, specifically the second and fourth films in the series because I haven’t seen the other two. While there was only one death, a man who was executed for suggesting Basil as an alternative to the violence, a few food trucks were tipped over by the rioting mobs, as were several Port-O-Pottys that had been housing market goers hiding from the chaos.

Richard Nixon themed Country Western cover band “The Whiskey Dicks” said that most of their equipment was destroyed, lead signer William B Saxy doesn’t know if they’ll play at the Public Market anymore, “Yeah it’s just not worth it, and all that really leaves us for gigs is retirement parties for cops. It’s a sad state of affairs, all over something that tastes like soap.”

It is unknown if the Food Truck Rodeo will resume in the coming weeks, or if the greater Rochester area should anticipate the fallout from the Cilantro shortage. In the meantime, market-goers are encouraged to wear protective armor, such as padding from sports like football and baseball only modified to look more bad ass, and carry baseball bats and such like in the film The Warriors. At least from what I remember, it’s been awhile since I’ve seen it.

OJ Simpson To Be Removed From Bills Wall Of Fame, Replaced With Arthur Shawcross

Buffalo, NY- In what many are calling a move that is long overdue, the Buffalo Bills will remove former star running back OJ Simpson’s name from New Era Field’s Wall Of Fame. Simpson, known as the “Juice” during his playing days, will be replaced by famous serial killer Arthur Shawcross, who was known as “The Genesee River Killer.”

Bills fans are excited about the change, Rochester resident Cal Roberts told us “This is great! In ’92 they added the Twelth Man, now they’re adding a Flower City guy!”

“It just makes sense,” said Buffalo bartender Grant “Sketch” Polanski. “OJ killed like what, two people that we know about? Arty put up double digits and he wasn’t in nearly half the shape Juice was.”

Bills brass said the move could happen as soon as next week, but there is some debate as to what number to assign Shawcross. Eleven would be appropriate as it would match his number of kills, but it’s considered unlucky as it was Scott Norwood’s number. Double Zero’s is another option but it’s unlikely that Mascot Billy Buffalo would give up his number without compensation.

New Vape/Pawn Shop and Abandoned Porn Theater Megaplex Threatens Monroe Ave Business

Rochester, NY- A new Megaplex that’s opening downtown will serve a large cross-section of the community and bring employment opportunities, but not everyone is excited about the new project.

The building will include a vape shop, a pawn shop where you can sell your neighbor’s laptop, an abandoned porn theater, and a bar that constantly has fistfights out front. While many people are excited for the chance to get all their sad business done in one stop, Monroe Ave business owners say this will produce unfriendly competition.

“Sure, there are seventeen stores where you can buy CBD within a one mile stretch of Monroe, but as soon as there’s somewhere corporate to buy fake weed, it’s over for all of us!” Said Randy “Cloudman” Rettle, owner of an area Vape Lounge, who also asked that we refer to his bongs as “water pipes.”

Area residents are also worried, Jeff Wilse, who lives on the Avenue, wondered “If we lose the old porn theater which building am I supposed to pee on and scream at late at night?”

Future plans for the complex include several stores that sell weird gifts that no one really uses or would necessarily even want, which could impact the retail-driven businesses on Monroe and in the neighboring Park Avenue area. When asked if his business would be affected, a pawn shop owner asked us to stop writing things down and leave immediately, and it was kinda scary, you guys.

Food Truck Rodeo Canceled, Trucks to Be Released to Free Range Junkyard

Rochester, NY – Following a protest by local Food Truck advocacy groups, the Food Truck Rodeo at the Public Market has been canceled.

The trucks will be relocated to a sanctuary that caters to retired rodeo trucks and recreational vehicles. “They’ll be able to run, play, serve tacos and French fries. Everything they love to do. Their grease traps will be emptied every day, and they’ll be fed long lines of drunk people every night at 2am” said Chance Phillips, a specialist in large and other vehicles at the East End Garage.

The rodeo will be replaced by a family friendly Hunger Games themed event where children will hunt down and murder each other for sport.