All posts by Rugmeat

Man Who Sent Dick Pic Over Facebook Messenger Doesn’t Understand “Satire”

Rochester, NY- Keith Edmond is what many would describe as a man who enjoys the simpler things in life: a glass of red wine, sunsets over High Falls, and sending pictures of his erect penis to women over Facebook messenger.

Recently, Keith discovered a number of news articles and videos that have confused him greatly. Articles about Trump making secret deals with the illuminati, police switching to commemorative bullets for Fredrick Douglas, and debate videos where the candidates lip sync Brittany Spears instead of debating.

After snapping his newest dick pic to smash out over Facebook messenger, Keith mentioned how “Nobody is talking about this weird stuff,” looking at many articles and commenting “I can’t believe this is real!!!”

“I just don’t get it”, he says, re-notching his belt to cover his putrid member, “Like all these articles and videos are out there saying all these crazy news things, and I’m like, ‘are these real?’ and people are like ‘Naw Keith, they’re jokes’ and I’m all like, ‘I don’t get it man’. Oh shit, I forgot that this bitch needs to see my dick.”

He then undid his pants again and took a picture of his penis.

Local Participates in Woman’s March, Still Locks Doors Whenever a Person of Color Passes Her House

Rochester, NY-Mary Starbrook is a stand up citizen: she participates in local government, votes on local elections, and is an active member of the community. However, something still seems to bother her. Whenever a person of color passes her house, she compulsively locks the door.

“Honestly it’s not by choice” says Mary, fidgeting with the several locks on her door, “I just think that the safety of my family is important”

Mary takes great care in talking with her community- from Honeoye Falls- Lima, where her children are enrolled at school. The mostly white community she says “has a great public school system that gives my children a better opportunity than those of the inner city” she states, shaking her head while saying so.

Like many Rochestarians, Mary was looking forward to the woman’s march, to voice her disapproval of the Trump presidency and provide solidarity to her fellow community members, so long as those community members were white middle to upper class liberals in the Rochester area.

“That’s not true, I have written a very strong letter praising the Black Lives Matter movement,” Mary said when interviewed. “It’s just that their meeting are so late at night and always talk about Martin Luther Prince- oh, I can never remember his name- but they just go on and on and- well obviously I need to drive my kids to school in the morning”

When asked to specify what she was protesting, Mary stated “well, liberty for everyone!” While cutting a person of color in line at Wegman’s.

Fuck Rogue One,This is the Star Wars Movie You’ve Been Waiting For

By now, you’ve probably seen the newest of the Star Wars franchise, Rogue One. In a different article, we’d probably go into great detail about our opinions of Rogue One. Heck, you might even be chomping at the bit for the next installment of the franchise, and who can blame you? It’s not like theres any other movies about Stars and Wars.

But thats wrong because you’re wrong. Rogue One is dogshit and here is exactly why:

We all missed the greatest star wars movie ever made:

 

STARCRASH (1978) is the greatest and sloppiest space opera you’ve never seen. The plot synopsis reads:

An outlaw smuggler and her alien companion are recruited by the Emperor of the Galaxy to rescue his son and destroy a secret weapon by the evil Count Zarth Arn.

Just by the trailer, you can tell this was a pretty hastily put together mess trying to bank off of A New Hopes massive fan draw, but it does so much more than just rip off A New Hope.

See, we all think that what Star Wars needs to do is to put more care and planning into the story and craft that go into its movies. But thats fucking A-10 wrongo because this movie proves that space movies are dope as hell when you just stop caring about anything relating to story or characters or even basic movie making. This movie doesn’t give a single dusty fuck what you think because its too busy being too fucking rad.

Here is a list of batshit crazy things that happen in this movie in no particular order:

-Invisible Space Blobs kills everyone

-David Hasselhoff shows up

-Space Babe Space Army

-Stop Motion Giant Robot Attack

-Cavemen?

-Texan Robot Sidekick

-Lasers all over the goddamn place

-Twin Murder Robots

-David Hasselhoff shooting lasers out of his goddamn face

-Lightsaber Caveman Slaughter

-Man Screaming “ZABAAA! ZABADAAAAN!” as he explodes

And if none of that entices you, you’re a fucking monster and whenever you throw parties people spit on the floor without telling you.

But if any of that does entice you, let me ploppy-wop a little cherry on this sundae-

you can watch it for free, right now.

 

This movie was put up for free onto youtube, along with a host of other late 70’s to early 80’s schlocky sci-fi and Star Wars rip offs. But this? This is art, pure and simple.

You will watch this, and you will see that nothing Lucasarts or Disney can churn out will ever compare to this movie.

 

 

Rochester Votes Dan Edwards as City’s Official Step Dad

Rochester, NY-The Mayor has announced today that the city of Rochester has finally made the decision on who would be the city’s first stepdad. At first, many of the cities various used car dealers stood out among the crowd. But only one won the hearts and minds of their step-child city.

Rochester, meet your new step-dad: Dan Edwards

Dan Edwards of the Vision Automotive group was selected out of thousands of individuals for his passions, his determination, and the fact that we could totally see him giving us the finger guns after plowing our mom.

Other strong contenders were Dick Ide of the Dick Ide Honda group, who told the judges about his motorcycle and how he was in a gang “back in the old days”, and Billy Fuccillo, of Fuccillo Automotive Group, who gave the judges some of his vintage skin mags and took them to an R-rated movie.

But it was Dan Edwards who really wowed the crowds. After he showed off his vintage Les Paul guitar, he shredded out to REO Speedwagon’s “Can’t Fight this Feeling” even though the amp wasn’t working. Then let the judges have some of his beer,

“Don’t worry,” He said, guitar still just barely plugged into the amp, “I won’t tell your mom.”

Dan Edwards is now an immortal symbol of hitting on your step son’s prom date, teaching us how to “really lay the love on a woman”, and selling used cars. His Bon Jovi good looks and use of the word “Bangin'” when referring to your mom is exactly what Rochester needed in it’s official step-dad.

Thank you, Dan Edwards, for proudly serving your city.

Black Neighborhoods to Create Law Keeping Militia Against New Violent Gang Called “The Police”

Rochester, NY- Several of the poor and ethnically african-american neighborhoods of our city have decided to band together and create a peace-keeping militia, sources say.

After brutal and unprompted attacks across the country by a new and vastly organized gang, neighbors decided that enough was enough, and became arming themselves against these new attackers, as well as to self-police their own areas.

“Honestly, we were just sick of all the crime,” Says Jordan DeMatt, a rochester local, “These guys show up flashing little badges they get after joining the gang and demanding entry into your house, or they follow you down the street and force you to pull over then demand money from you, we were just sick of having no one to enforce the law”

The militias, mostly non-violent community groups, take an approach of understanding and empathy with their law-keeping.

“We usually have a set code per neighborhood, depending on the specific needs of the area. Mostly just common sense stuff, ‘do unto others’ and all that. We also make sure its all local people, no bringing in people from other towns.” Says DeMitt, motioning to his militiamen, dubbed The Monroe Ave. Peacekeepers, “If you have transplants in the force then you get people reacting to totally different problems than their used to with a heightened prejudice, can’t be having that.”

But what was the need for this new peacekeeping initiative? Damien Lockheed of the Confederation of Clinton Ave. offers this explanation,

“We got these guys all dressed in blue with military gear, gang signs on badges, open carry pistols on them at all times, and connections to every judge, lawyer, jailhouse, and governmental office. Hell, you see politicians openly supporting these gang members, having their motorcycle chapters guard their motorcades, footmen in their public parades, and their pushers flat out ruin anybody who tries to sell on their turf. It’s ridiculous. Top of that, they can break into your home, your car, take family members, steal your property and everyone seems to turn a blind eye. It’s an invasion is what it is, and we need people actually working to enforce the law in this country.”

To combat this, public peace militias have advised anyone who identifies as a Person of Color or below a certain income bracket to avoid these gang-bangers at all costs, as they are said to be the favored targets of the gang.

Lockheed says, “They already been killing people in the streets, they drive modded cars just so they can harass you if you break their turf rules into paying their organization. Its criminal, and we ain’t standing for it.”

More public members and political officials known to be  connected to this gang activity have refused to comment, specifically on the matters of murders, harassment, illegal entry, illegal search and seizure, kidnapping, assault, and unlawful imprisonment.

5 Reasons You Should Let Me Come to Your Kid’s Birthday Party

Here in Rochester we only have so much time to enjoy ourselves during the day. Between work, drinking, and nodding off in the passing lane of 390, we don’t have a lot of time to really enjoy ourselves. But our kids? Those little shits are smiling 24-7.

Take your son, Brendan. I’ve seen that kid run up and down the block with his little gaggle of barely double digit friends without a care in the world. Water gun fights, playing pretend, lego battles, this kid’s got entertainment flying out of every part of him.

Plus, I know his birthday is coming up, so maybe consider throwing little ol’ me a bone and let me hang out at your kids birthday party.

Whoa! Hey whoa c’mon, here are 5 reasons why you really don’t have to call the police right now.

1: I am super lonely– I get why you thought it was a sexual thing, creepy guy next door, watches your kids a lot, but I’m not trying to plow any kids here. House arrest gets lonely and after a couple weeks of guilt racked thought you just need to get out. Plus the range on my ankle bracelet ends at the back of your yard, so-

2: Sara is still in a coma– Look, when I nodded off after smashing half a needle of the good stuff blasting down 390 how was I supposed to know that we would crash and my sweet Sara would fall into a coma? C’mon, I need a little pick me up.

3: I promise I won’t touch your kids– Please, please i just want to be near some fun. I wont look at them, I wont talk to them, hell, I can just hang out with all of the adults there! Just to talk and meet some of the neighbors and maybe make some friends.

4: Before you ask, Ill probably bring some heroin to your kids party– Absolutely, without a question of a doubt. It’s not a party until we break out the Brown Sugar amirite?

5: I could also bring your kid like, a gift or something– Look, I can’t physically leave my house to an extent. I have some ash trays and a Gideon Bible I stole from a hotel I could part with, but other than that I’m just bare bonesing it right now.

So? What do you say? I know your kids birthday was like a month ago, but wouldn’t he be stoked for another party? You ready to have a failing 38 year old give your kids, and the neighbor kids, hard lessons on life while dipping in and out of consciousness?

Please don’t. No put the phone down…ugh. Well its not a violation of parole to just ask  now is it?!

Americas Nightmare in Detroit: A Comparison of It Follows and Don’t Breathe-PART 3

So as we’ve been dissecting, its probably become pretty clear which movie I liked more. Don’t Breathe, in my opinion, offers a more engaging story, has a better and well crafted atmosphere, a more relatable set of main characters, and a “monster” who has clearly defined motivations which all add to making it a thrilling watch. IT FOLLOWS had the grace of a interesting premise and a lot of fanfare leading up to its release, but ultimately fell short in terms of actually being scary.

PART 3: ESCAPE! and cliffhangers

But the lasting effect of a horror movie isn’t what it does to you in the theater, it’s what happens after you leave. A good horror movie stays with you, and ultimately keeps scaring you long after its over.

A movie like John Carpenters The Thing makes you wonder if you can really trust anyone who is close to you, and thats scary. A Nightmare on Elm Street makes you wonder what might happen to you while you are helpless and asleep, and thats scary. Texas Chainsaw Massacre makes you wonder if people are capable of that level of destruction and cruelty, and that is scary.

Don’t Breathe and IT FOLLOWS use their endings to leave the audience with a “what if” scenario. The main characters have gotten away and the events of the movie have passed, but something on screen tells us its not quite over yet.

Continuing the trend and starting with Don’t Breathe, it gives you a couple of “what if” scenarios. Could a home become a prison? What can cause a man to go insane? What would you do to escape the life you have? Those three “what if’s” alone set a pretty powerful mood for the audience to leave with after the credits roll. But I have to say that the cliffhanger ending was mostly just boring.

We end with our main character Rocky in the airport with her little sister. They got the money from the house, Rocky took her sister from their terrible mom and her boyfriend with swastika tattoos, and they are escaping to California. Yay! Happiness! Which they then turn over by having her look at a news report on TV saying that The Blind Man survived his injuries sustained while Rocky was escaping his house.

Its just lazy. I mean, news stories are a convenient way to display information, but they could have done it with much more grace. Show her paranoia by seeing shadowy figures lying just out of sight. Have her actively being wanted by the police for breaking and entering. Have her little sister ask her where she got the money just so we can see her fear flash back to her nightmarish time in The Blind Man’s house, something other than a lazy, wrap up, cookie cutter cliffhanger.

Moving on from that, IT FOLLOWS‘ ending is a bit different. And I know ive been hating on IT FOLLOWS a lot through these articles, and it’s ending is definitely a changing point in how I talk about it.

The ending of IT FOLLOWS  made me absolutely loathe this movie with all of my soul. It was the worst part in a stream of not so great horror.

So the kids in IT FOLLOWS trap the monster in a pool and shoot it in the head. Big whoop, nobody cares. Then, after all of that, the nerdy boy and the main girl (Jay? who cares anymore) bone down something fierce. Why? Why are neither of them scarred by the very notion of intimate contact? Who knows, and you can bet the writer sure didn’t. Then, THEN, they have the audacity to show them wearing all white and holding hands while walking down the street, like some Virgin Mary purity horse shit. This symbolism would have worked if they had A) done anything in the movie, and B) Had ANY OTHER SYMBOLISM LIKE THAT throughout the movie. In a show of what I can only assume was a massive misunderstanding of how movies work, they just through this fucking “lost sheep from the flock” imagery right at the fucking last shot of the movie, then smash cut to black when you see someone walking behind them.

ooooooh, somebody was walking behind them, they might be being followed! No, nobody cares at this point. If you had kept with the paranoia, shame, and trauma of contracting a deadly STD, then this ending might have had a more lasting effect. Now, the only reason I remember it is the white hot hatred I feel whenever I think of IT FOLLOWS.

Don’t Breathe had the lasting effect of being a well crafted horror experience, and there was a lot that it gave you that you could think about after the fact. Hell, after I saw it I felt like going home and talking about it, and thats a cool effect for a movie to have. It was well thought out, well executed, and despite some minor opinions i have about it, I think it was a grade A horror movie!

IT FOLLOWS was sci-fi channel plot wrapped around a tragically interesting premise and marketed as the next huge thing in indie horror. Spoilers: it was the blair witch, it was trying oh so hard to be 80’s John Carpenter, and it never had a pace established to actually keep me interested.

I openly and unashamedly hate the movie IT FOLLOWS.

And that pretty much brings to a close this comparison! Obviously I have some pretty strong opinions towards one of the movies over the other, but if nothing else I hope you got to enjoy a dissection of some recent horror films, learned something new, and maybe even agreed with some of my vitriol.