All posts by Rugmeat

America’s Nightmare in Detroit: A Comparison of It Follows and Don’t Breathe-PART 2

So to recap a bit, we’re looking at two horror movies, Don’t Breathe and IT FOLLOWS, comparing them. All of the claims, are of course, my own opinion. If you have followup points to each part defending or attacking one or the other please PLEASE do it in the comment section.

Also be warned, SPOILERS ARE AHEAD

Now in this part, we aren’t so much looking at the separate film’s stories and setting as we are the genre scares and the monsters in each movie. How do they try to scare us?

PART 2-What Makes Good Horror and Better Monsters

In looking at horror movies today, it’s pretty easy to spot which beats exist to make you jump out of your seat (at least try to make you jump out of your seat). Leads up to jump scares, musical crescendos, eerie low frequencies, all designed to surprise you or make you feel uneasy. But there is an area that a lot of horror movies neglect, which is making sure that the situation is one that makes everyone feel fear.

It Follows and Don’t Breathe one similar horror theme within both of their respective stories. That theme is-

The monster knows where you are, but you don’t know where it is.

It Follows takes a pretty direct approach by having a monster that is following you to exactly where you are. Don’t Breathe places the characters in the house of a deranged blind man who can hear and feel where you are on his home turf.

I think Don’t Breathe’s situation gives it a much more tense feel. We are finding out about this house the same as the characters, and the deranged blind man knows it by heart, feel, sound, and smell. This helps the audience relate to the characters as they explore and act surprised when the deranged blind man catches them off guard. He knows the house better, and is able to use that to his advantage. All of this, coupled with a varied and chaotic soundtrack and jump scares that felt right

Which, just for a moment, there is a good way to do jump scares. Are they usually cheap? Yes absolutely, which is why they rely on a buildup of tension to act as a release. There is a reason people usually go “aw here comes the jump scare” right before the jump scare, it’s a predictable end. What’s the good way to do jump scares? There is a scene where Alex, one of the robbers, is coming back into the house after getting freaked out. He is walking down a hallway slowly when the blind deranged guy comes wheeling from behind the corner and passes Alex, having not seen him.

There is no lead up to the scare itself, but we as the audience knew that the blind guy was walking around. We knew that Alex was entering the house. This wasn’t a fabricated buildup using non-diegetic (outside of the film’s world) music. There was very little music in fact. It was all made tense by context clues from scenes and shots before and cut together in a way that made the eventual crossing paths inevitable but we weren’t sure when or how. Thats how you can make a jump scare feel right. Present the information in a way that builds the tension for the audience as they engage in your movie trying to anticipate for something, but they aren’t quite sure why.

-But coupled with its chaotic soundtrack and its varied jumps and frights that felt just so good, brought a huge amount of natural tension to the film which carried all the way until its end. There was no break from the unease and anxiety, which helps make it an amazingly good experience, let alone a good horror film.

It Follows‘ monster basically just has the supernatural ability to find you. Which, when I first saw the trailers for it, I was super excited! It sounds like the groundwork for immediate tension: You are being hunted and it is going to find you. What do you do?

Unfortunately and even shockingly, nothing. The film was paced in such a way as the slow to a crawl at some points then bounce to kill-fuck levels of intensity at random points. It never really kept the threat of the monster going until it was right there. There is definitely an argument that for having a shock factor the random bouts of intensity could work, but not when you show the main protagonist the fucking monster and tell them to watch out for it in the beginning of the movie. This means that the character should be a paranoid wreck throughout the film. SHE SAW THE FUCKING THING COMING FOR HER, SHE KNOWS (dun dun dun) THAT IT’S FOLLOWING HER. And she does nothing but be moody at her friends, moody at the fact that there is a monster, and then scared when it eventually shows up.

Now as a counter to my own argument, It Follows could be much scarier when viewed as the traumatic experience of getting a disease like HIV or AIDS. That parallel of something lurking around waiting to kill you is a reality for a lot of people, and could have been generally terrifying, as well as a poignant look at the emotional effects of getting a deadly STD.

Except that doesn’t happen. It could have, and you could argue it, but that isn’t what happens. Instead we get 2 hours of nothing punctuated by predictable beats of shoot to thrill with an ending that see’s our characters shoot the monster in the head with a gun.

The film’s mood is barely ever there. It says it is supposed to be scary, and there is one really well done jump scare that got me to physically lift from my seat:

In almost exactly the same vein as the one from Don’t Breathe. The Antagonist just appears unexpectedly, which creates an amazing jump scare and rise in tension. But to keep the tension going, you need an antagonist that presents a constant and ever-present threat to the main characters.

Before I move on to monsters, here is a mini section called

SOUNDTRACKS and HORROR

Hey, you know what had a great horror soundtrack of minimalist ambient noises punctuated by a truly chilling orchestral score? Well it certainly wasn’t the movie with this John Carpenter wannabe noise music trash playing in it:

Okay to be fair I actually listen to a couple of songs from this soundtrack pretty regularly. It’s really good synth/electro music at points. But at certain points the score is so overbearing with its presence that it drowns out the actions of the movie and the only thing you can focus on is the music. That’s not good horror, that’s a music video. Never have your music take center stage unless you are doing it to make a point. During no part of IT FOLLOWS did i feel like they need more than just some ambient tension music. Something the audience can hear but not immediately respond to as “Hey, music!” because the movie should be holding their attention. Don’t Breathe not only had a better score, but the way they used it made it more in compliment to the visuals and story than just standalone noise that overtook the film itself.

BACK TO MONSTERS

Ohhhh goody-goody.

Many horror movies have monsters, or characters that have monstrous intentions. Don’t Breathe and IT FOLLOWS are no exceptions. I would argue that the best movie monsters are twisted versions of ourselves. The Thing had the aliens that could mimic you just about right and turn you into a monstrosity. Texas Chainsaw Massacre had Leatherface. Pontypool has a virus that spreads through language turning people into killers. And, well, all zombies.

Don’t Breathe has The Blind Man. Thats his character name, and I’m going to tell you why I’m glad. Every good movie monster has something human about them. Whether its the shape of a hand or a face that looks kind of like a person, we are able to put a little bit of humanity onto every monster, which makes it scarier in my opinion. The rest is this detached inhumanity that we can’t connect with. This detachment is what makes us, instinctually, feel fear. How did they do it in Don’t Breathe? The Blind Man’s eyes.

Now it should be said that blind people aren’t creepy, they are people with the misfortune of losing their sight by accident or by birth complications.

BUT HOLY FUCK LOOK AT THIS DUDE’S EYES

His story is that he is a veteran of the gulf war and had his eyesight taken by grenade splinters. y’know, shrapnel. After a series of events, his daughter was killed by a rich woman who was driving recklessly, and was denied justice but received a large settlement out of court to keep hush hush. He now lives alone, broken both by a war and by an unjust death.

So now I bet your like “Why the fuck are they robbing this poor dude? his life ain’t exactly been on the up and up!”

Now here is why I brought up the eyes and his name. We as people have an instinctual ability to spot changes on other people. Sometimes for the worst, but it developed to see deformities that could be harmful when we were hunter gatherers. More importantly, eyes help us connect with other people. Looking people in the eyes allows us to have a stronger connection with them. What happens when you look into The Blind Man’s Eyes? You cant connect. It removes you from being able to really connect with him because there is a physical blockage making him seem inhuman, but he is a person. His motivations make him a monster however, and his blindness prevents us from seeing him as a person, and adding severity to every act of violence and sadism he makes. Hence, he has no name. He is purely The Blind Man, less human, and more monster.

So to combat this injustice he kidnapped the woman who killed his daughter and has chained her in the basement and impregnated her. This, coupled with the trauma of his time in the war, has made him a paranoid shut in intent on getting a new child and releasing the woman once she has given him one. Yup, 180 degree change on this home boy.

Actually one of the most fucked parts of the movie is when he makes a point to explain that he didn’t rape her to impregnate her, and that he isn’t one of those filthy rapists. He then takes out a vial of frozen semen, heats it up, and sucks it into a fucking turkey baster. This took him from bad guy to immediate fucking psychopath.

The only argument I would have against The Blind Man was that he talked. It was like it was trying to make it so that we could see his reasoning for his actions, but it would have been much scarier if he just performed his actions in the same way without words. Just carrying out his awful, terrible deed like a machine, never once needing to justify himself.

IT FOLLOWS has a much more supernatural entity who, as I’ve described before, is a sexually transmitted demon thing that follows you and eventually kills you. It can disguise itself as anyone just to get closer to you, and not matter how far you run it will find you.

That is a super scary concept! You know what is the opposite of scary? This:

Walking at you at the speed of a molasses covered turd. In the movie, the monster transforms into a bunch of different forms. Here is a list of some of  them, and go ahead and let me know if any of them sound like “can disguise as anyone to get close to you”:

An old lady in a high-school

The same old lady on a street corner

A beat up girl peeing herself in the main character’s kitchen

A really tall guy

A small child with holes for eyes

A dad I think?

And exactly NONE of these things were previously shown to indicate any kind of similarity to someone the main character knew. The ONLY TIME it was someone one of the characters knew, the monster disguised itself as the mom of one of the girl’s friends that she passed it on to. Thats also the only time we actually see it do anything.

If you are going to have a monster with those powers, fuck with our heads a little bit. Create an atmosphere of distrust leaving the audience just as confused as the main character. And for god sakes, who the fuck thought it was a good idea to have those as the forms of the monster?! The most immediately noticeable people are the monster, which not only kills any tension but is just fucking lazy. Put a little love into your story and make it harder to spot the fucking thing, that way the scares can be genuinely shocking as trust breaks down for the main character as she tries to piece together who is her friend, and who the monster is mimicking just to get closer to her.

IT FOLLOWS suffers from a very common problem with a lot of lazy horror movies, in that it never has any established constraints. The Entity from it follows starts out with a loose couple of monster rules: It going to follow you, it is going to take the shape of anyone, and it isn’t going to stop until you are dead. It then proceeds to take only a handful of forms during the movie (all of which stick out like a sore fucking thumb), walk at the pace of a molasses covered snail, and it isn’t very good at killing people. The rules they do have are scary in a base way, but without putting care into how your monster uses these rules means you have to keep creating reasons for it to be scary and for the heroes to be threatened.

The Blind Man on the other hand is pretty well rounded. He never does any cliche teleporting that you often see movie murderers do, or at least it doesn’t feel like he does because It’s his goddamn house, he knows it better than the heroes. He feels like a threat because he is continuously threatening, being an army veteran and also crazy, and also he is really good at killing people. But he’s still a person, so they can’t just add or subtract abilities that he can do. He’s blind, so his advantages are his hearing, olfactory senses, military training, and home field familiarity. He becomes threatening because his advantages outweigh our heroes advantage of sight.

IT FOLLOWS’s monster suffered from the same laziness as it’s setting. With all the teasing promises of a thrill ride being replaced with wooden mood, acting, setting, and even atmosphere. The monster in It follows could have been scary, and there were even one or two parts of the movie where it was and could have continued to be, but instead it just fell straight flat without even being interesting.

Don’t Breathe had a dynamic villain who was equal parts terrifying but human, a dark mirror of what a sane person is. His slip into the darkness, although insane, seems all to possible for anyone now after getting details on his life. IT FOLLOWS  has a lackluster demon who is only there because the plot said so and the music needed a monster to go to.

So a fun tidbit, one actor is in both of these films and dies in both of them. He is Daniel Zovatto, he plays Greg in IT FOLLOWS (who dies) and Money in Don’t Breathe (who dies). The characters themselves are polar opposites, which like, kudos to him, kid’s got range. I just thought it was kinda kooky how he’s played different characters in two horror movies set in Detroit.

Next, I’ll be talking about crafting an ending to a horror film in PART 3-Escape and Cliffhangers

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America’s Nightmare in Detroit: A Comparison of It Follows and Don’t Breathe-PART 1

Over the past few years, we have seen two separate horror films burst onto the scene set against the backdrop of the city of Detroit. These films, IT FOLLOWS and Don’t Breathe are both unique horror tales that use this city and its broken setting as places to cultivate desperation and try to add to either film’s sense of tension by using the broken city as their setting.

But here is where the similarities hit a point, and be warned THERE BE SPOILERS AHEAD FOR BOTH FILMS.

Before I get into anything too heavy, here is a brief summary of both films:

IT FOLLOWS: A monster that is sexually transmitted haunts a young woman who has contracted it. It can be anyone or anything, and it is always following her.

Cool concept right?

DON’T BREATHE: Several small time criminals find the ultimate score to get them out of their poverty, in a large sum of money held by a blind military veteran.

Whoa there, little heavy.

What follows is going to be a dissection of both films, a look into the genre of horror, and an argument against IT FOLLOWS  as both a poor horror film, and a poor representation of the setting it’s in.

PART 1: Setting and Stories

With any good horror movie, setting and atmosphere is everything. Detroit is, unfortunately, a really good place to put an immediate mood of desperation. Don’t Breathe  hits this mark right on the head with its three main characters. All of them are doing this because it’s a quick way to make a lot of money to get the fuck out of Detroit. Remember that sentiment.

Within that broad motivation we get to see why all three main characters fit into it. Rocky, the female lead, lives in a trailer park with her emotionally abusive mother trying to provide for her little sister. Money, Rocky’s boyfriend, just wants to see her happy, and has found a quick way for them to escape by robbing houses. Alex is their friend, and lives a somewhat more comfortable middle class life, but see’s this as an oppurtunity to leave as well. Alex’s father works for a security company, so Alex steals the keys to properties so that they can break in and rob the place.

This is all due to how and where they live. There is nothing left for them in Detroit. It’s a dilapidated city and if they don’t leave they may be stuck within it. This is brought to a painful reminder when they hear about a score of $300,000 dollars sitting in the house of a blind veteran. The veteran is the last person living in a ghost block of houses, making it a seemingly easy score. Why an abandoned block of houses? Because after the start of the domestic economic collapse in the mid 2000’s and the 2008 housing market crash, Detroit never really recovered, leaving blocks of houses foreclosed, abandoned, and literal ghost towns within the city.

Why is that important? It’s important because good horror contains elements that are a reflection of the real world. You know whats scary? Robbing a dangerous guy to leave Detroit. You know whats scarier? Having a bank foreclose on your family’s house.

All of this adds to create a wonderful depth to the characters. these aren’t movie criminals, they are people living in the aftermath of one of the worst economic collapses in a city that is only very slowly getting better. Motivation that drives the story leading to a very simple narrative driving force.

Environment (E) + Motivation (M)= Narrative Event (E prime, or Eø for our purposes)

E+M=Eø, or even more simply, cause and effect. It helps make a film’s story good and relatable.

Don’t Breathe presents a contained story in an environment that already makes you feel strained and suffocated. Throughout the movies run time, there was never a moment where I felt like I wasn’t itching to leave the area, itching to get out of where the characters were. All of the character decisions had a clear cause and effect, which me as a viewer could both understand and immediately relate to. All of this led to a great and immersive experience where I felt just as tense as the main characters.

Now lets look at IT FOLLOWS:

Set in a suburb of Detroit, IT FOLLOWS follows a group of teens battling a sexually transmitted monster that has attached itself to the female protagonist.

So its back in Detroit, but now we’re in middle class suburbs. There are no parents to speak of, at least none that are very active in the kids lives during the duration of the film, and one that exists purely as a plot device.

What drives the teens? Fucking. Havin’ a good fuck. There is no trying to escape from where they live, there is no questions brought up about how sexually transmitted diseases are a huge problem in Detroit’s Black communitiesor even how domestic violence of women and STD’s often go hand in hand. Nope, just a bunch of white teens who get into some fuck trouble in the suburbs.

It breaks down like this. Jay, the female lead, has sex with a dude who then tells her he gave her a monster disease. The monster terrorizes Jay and her friends, until she decides to pass it on to Greg, another dude, who fully realizes that there is a monster. In about half the time it took for the monster to even find Jay, Greg gets full on murdered by the monster who disguised itself as his mom (who we hadn’t really even seen at all until that point). Then the teens band together and kill the monster.

In the story there are three main events: 1. The teens have some monster-get sex 2. The monster comes and kills some teens for having sex 3. They beat the monster and continue to have sex (because sure, why not?).

There is no real world basis to lay the groundwork for fear in IT FOLLOWS, and because of that it never really gets me as a viewer into any space to truly appreciate and connect to what the characters are going through on-screen.

It follows the same base equation of cause and effect, but instead of environment giving light to a character motivation, we have a previous action giving way to an existing motivation:

Action (A) + Pre-existing motivation (PM)= Narrative Event. Still cause and effect, but not a very informed or tense version.

This is a HUGE area where I feel IT FOLLOWS dropped the ball in a big way. Instead of any real character growth, or tension from an informed situation, the story kind of just happens because yup there’s the thing and you gotta beat it. Theres no use of atmosphere to tighten the mood, there is no use of a previous action to create a secondary cause an effect scenario in following scenes, there is just this feeling of “well we fucked, i guess we better deal with this monster thing”

I have a lot more to say next in PART 2: What Makes Good Horror and Better Monsters, so if you aren’t bored out of your skull from this break in the normal content, then like, don’t read it I guess.

5 Great Lies to Start Off the School Year

Its that time again! September has come and that brings an official end to the festive Summer Vacation. You’ve seen some sights, learned something about yourself, and probably had an adequate time doing it. Theres just one problem:

You are hands down one of the most boring people on the face of the earth. There is no way you’re gonna make new friends, impress socialites, or even score with that hot hot football-cheerleader-chessteam-childhood-crush-freshman-year-we’re-both-virgins-piece of objectified fuck-meat that you have been hounding after since you discovered you didn’t have to tell people what your fetish is (heads up, it’s lights off missionary before and after crying).

So here are some sweet sweet lies to tell folks so they think you are interesting, or even just a little bit attractive:

1: ONE OR MORE OF YOUR PARENTS ARE DEAD– No better way to get a sympathy hand job then telling people your have a dead parent! Make sure that it was recent enough of a death so that it seems like its okay that you aren’t quite over it, but distant enough so that only specific social situations will necessitate bringing it up. Bonus if you act like you can work through the tears, this will make sure people tell other people, essentially lying for you.

2: PRETEND TO PLAY AN INSTRUMENT– Don’t have any musical talent? Just say you do! The beauty of this lie is that people probably wont question it, or want to hear you play, giving you ample time to actually practice at it and become good! It’s a self fulfilling prophecy.

3: DEAD EX– Alright, this is a little harder to pull off and requires a subtle touch. Immediately, you’re probably thinking “this is a great way to lure some unsuspecting idiot to go make coitus with me in a dorm room twin bed”and you are 100% right. But, you need to have a very poetic way of referring to your fake-deceased ex in only situations of high sexual tension, and of a natural poetic nature. Not only does this bump the sexual tension up to Roman Bath-house levels of gonna-gonna, but you seem like you have a greater depth and a burdened soul. This lets you seem like you give a shit about how people feel, instead of the manipulative sack of shit who needs to lie to get laid.

4: USE AN ALIAS– This one is only for if you are going away to college for the first time. You can’t waltz back to college and start lying about who you are, thats silly. Nobody will believe you, especially not the people who heard your lies the first year and know you’re full of shit. But if it’s your first time in a new place, rest assured that you can call yourself whoever you want, and pretend to be whoever you want! Just remember thats who you are now. The facade can never fade lest you wish your true self be known, besides, do you even know who you are anymore?

5: PREVIOUS FAILED MARRIAGE– This is another one that has a bit of an age minimum on it. If you play the previous marriage card, you’re gonna seem a lot older than you are. Most people assume anyone who got married is now a haggard husk, because if it didn’t work coming out of high school, then this person must have needed a couple years before coming back to society (or so the assumptions go). On the plus side, this has a similar effect to Dead-Ex but with the added value of a playful cynicism and a reluctance for people to correct you on being a sexist piece of shit! Especially if your fake ex-wife fake-cheated on you with your actual-real-life-friend named Joey (you were on the spot and couldn’t make up a name, which is awkward because Joey wants to visit before thanksgiving break).

There are plenty of ways to seem like an interesting person: cultivating a rich personality based on the shared interests of your peers, life experiences, knowledge and curiosity, but who the fuck has time for all of that? You’ve spent 18 years learning to jerk off and nothing else, you’re gonna cut corners wherever possible. Thats what you did to get into college in the first place, and thank god that lie panned out for you, because it was

BONUS! SPENDING TIME IN A JUVENILE DETENTION CENTER– Nothing says “life experience” or “Salt of the Earth” like someone going to college after being in Juvy for whatever crime you felt like making up! Watch as people flock to see the reformed troublemaker, the bad boy who wants a better life! Sure it plays into the fetishization of both the criminals trapped in the problematic justice system and the blue collar “provide by any means” mentality that upper class rebellious kids go fucking ape shit over, but it’ll make you a friend or two! just hope that you don’t meet anyone who has actually been through the system, because then you’ll actually know what terrible effects it has on a human being. Who needs that kind of emotional stress? Not you, thats who.

So go out there you sociopathic mess of a human! Go out and lie your way into a palace supported by pillars of salt! Just be ready for when everything comes crashing down.

10 Things You Should be Aware of When Reading “The Inner Loop”

Everyone enjoys satire, it’s a natural and healthy mechanism to critique, question, and ingest the chaotic world around us all. With so many options to choose from when browsing online it’s hard to land on just one satire site when all of them have something of worth to offer.

Which leads me to an important question: How is it that you ended up on The Inner Loop? It isn’t popular, well written, or even very good at being satire. Its a local Rochester blog run by a bunch of amateur comedians, some of whom don’t even live in Rochester. Half of what we say isn’t even based off of real world events.  How is it, through all of life’s twists and turns, that you ended up here?

Regardless, you’re here. here’s a few things you should really know before trying to dive in any further.

1: Our chief editor is kind of the only funny one– Okay, so off the bat, calling him our chief editor is sort of a misnomer because, well, he doesn’t really edit anything. If you go through any of our articles you can find a linguistic holocaust of grammar failures and run on sentences, and enough pointless metaphors to make Ayn Rand blush. That being said, Michael Colon is really the only funny person to write for this site.

2: Our chief editor isn’t all that funny– Not hard to compare apples to oranges when all the oranges are rotten and radioactive. Not that the apple (Michael Colon) is any better, it is infested with some worms, but certainly better than the oranges (The rest of us mouth breathers).

3: We aren’t very good people– I’d point to our group message chat for an example, but the amount of redacted material there would be to make us look only a little better would read more like a CIA cover up of crack distribution in black neighborhoods than a functioning message board.

4: Seriously, some of our writers don’t even live in Rochester– Only one or two of them are actually in Rochester year round. The others are either transplants going to college there or are across the country sending articles in remotely. For a satire site aimed at being a local funny bone, we aren’t even all that local.

5: We think we are really witty– You ever meet a blogger who is just really full of spit and vinegar over how important their words are? That’s us. Thats all of us. You’d sooner see the office of The Inner Loop sieg heil than actually give a humble statement about our city, or ourselves.

6: Mike used to run a Satanic cult– Like straight up, goat sacrifices, blood orgies, vampire cosplay: you name it and our “chief editor” has probably stuck his dick in it for the name of Satan.

7: Ben (Rugmeat) currently runs a Satanic cult– We prefer the term “Hedonistic Observers of the Rites of Lucifer”, but yeah, it’s a Satanic sex cult. Lets not beat around the bush, lets just beat each other off.

8: One of our writers was pronounced dead 2 weeks ago and nobody has told his family yet– So yeah. Mr. and Mrs. McFaddin, uh, we are terribly sorry but your darling boy has died, and his body may have been used for some freaky deaky Satanic sex ritual. One of these is a certainty, and the other has too much DNA to put blame on just one perpetrator, so save yourself the money and don’t take legal action.

9: We are startlingly close to internal collapse on any given week– Honestly, we are only held together by our mutual hatred and drive to one up each other and piss each other off. If Vize didn’t start a flame war in the chat earlier today about whatever new stupid birth control he does recreationally, then this article wouldn’t have even happened.

10: You fucking rubes– If there is any people to blame here, beyond a shadow of a doubt, it’s all of you. All of your positivity and support has gone towards the creativity and motivation behind some weird ass shit, and why? Because you think it’s funny?! ugh. Support of enjoyment of the creative endeavors of your equals is truly a new low, not only for the people of Rochester, but for the world as a whole.

All of you do yourselves a favor. Shut off the computer. Go outside. Walk around your neighborhood, say hello to a stranger, ask someone a question about what they do for a living.

Much to the dismay of the Catholic church and several regional government officials, The Inner Loop isn’t going anywhere. It’ll always be in the same dirty mud puddle its been in, spewing vitriol about Pokemon Go or whatever other pop-culture meme slaps the wet meat of the internet fad machine next. Go enjoy yourselves. Cyber bully a child on a play ground. Just be aware the next time you ever read something that labels itself as “Satire“, it might just be a bunch of bullshit written by a sex crazed Satanist.

Fish Monster Michael Phelps Tries to Emulate Human Emotion

So, I don’t know if you’ve been watching the olympics, but absolute genetic monstrosity Michael Phelps just won his 3rd gold medal of the event.

For those of you playing the home game, he now has 22 medals overall, that’s made up of:

2 Bronze Medals

2 Silver Medals

and 18 Fucking Gold Medals

Sweet baby Moses, that’s so much athleticism.

So for a minute put yourself in this obvious nazi-experiment-gone-pretty-good’s shoes. If you had a small fortune in proof that you sex good just lying around, and then continued to get more of them while doing this shit-

That’s Phelps literally staring down the man who came in second place, making sure he realizes that he should still fear whats in the ocean’s depths. He did this after winning Gold in the 200m Butterfly. The madman waved the camera’s to him, did a “I’m Number 1” thing to the cameras, then slowly turned to the man next to him and stared him down. This wasn’t an act of aggression, this was an emotional war crime.

Which brings me to my ultimate point:

Michael Phelps has no idea what emotion is anymore, and really, who can blame him?

Look at him try to squeeze out one dusty tear during him winning yet another gold medal

That isn’t crying. Or nationalism. Or even a man who gives a single continental shit about what anyone thinks. When you have enough Fort Knox neck candy to topple a small regime, does having feelings even matter anymore?

This is someone, and I dare not say man because whatever hybrid of magic, science, and fish blood created Michael Phelps is certainly not by definition “Human”, who has a survival instinct version of “Fight or flight” that is pretty much just “Be wet and win or be actively trying to be wet and win”. Whatever feelings he has at this point are probably just stimulus responses to being out of the water, as shown in this handy flow chart:

Let me put it this way:

A couple of decades ago in a small fishing village, there was a humble fisherman and his wife. They had begotten a child, but could not afford to keep it on such a meager existence. They prayed to Poseidon to bring safe passage to the child, then released him to the sea. Poseidon, who was cramming down half a chilli dog smashing back a keystone, looked up and saw the child floating out with the tide. With a bloated cry of “Dude, im gonna make this kid so fucking rad”, he blasted the child with his magical trident, and out of the sea-foam came a pot smoking half-fish with a fetish for gold circles.

Michael Phelps doesn’t feel like people do. As long as he keeps what can only be a shaky peace between the USA and Atlantis by funneling gold through our aquatic athletics programs, then fuck it. He earned the right to not have people feelings, and God bless him for it, the beautiful gilled bastard.

Who’s at the Airlock?

Out in Space, nobody can hear you scream. But we in the International Space Station sure as hell can hear whatever loud-ass is knocking at our door right now. Who the fuck even knocks on an airlock? we have radios and other electric bullshits, also a doorbell THAT NOBODY EVEN USES.

ugh.

Who is knocking at the door?

Is it an alien? Probably not. The first and last time they visited was over China in 1950, and only because they needed to stop for a second and re-coordinate. Aliens never want to come here, and its pretty understandable; to develop massive interstellar travel just to come to earth would be a little silly especially since in all probability intelligent life does exist and is doing a lot of the same things we are doing with our space exploration. It’d be like living living in a neighborhood of 3 Michelin star restaurants and deciding to drive across the country to visit a Denny’s.

Is it those pesky Russians? Hmmm, maybe. They have been slacking on their usual pranks lately, although the last one may have made them want to cool off. Who knew a snot-rocket could pierce the hull of a space craft? We didn’t, thats who, and I’m pretty sure Ivan and Drogov got into some pretty big trouble for that. Plus, they’re gonna think twice about trying anything on us ever again now that we filled all of their spacesuit air tanks with circus peanuts.

A persistent meteor? What? No, how would that even be possible? It would have to move back and forth and, y’know, knock. If you’re gonna have dumb ideas go have them in private, we’re trying to figure this out. And don’t throw a tantrum like you did last time, we’re still cleaning skittles out of the control console.

Fuck you, why not just go look? Oh! Oh now look who has a mouth on him! What a development- look everyone, look who wants to swear all of the sudden! Huh! Mister idiot wants to cuss all up and down this bitch! well go on then, why don’t you cuss yourself right up to the door and see who is knocking, huh?

…It’s Jacobs.  What do you mean it’s Jacobs? He’s sitting right over there, you can see him. Don’t be an idiot, who is knocking at the door of the space station?

Im serious, it’s Jacobs. He’s Crying. Get out of the way- Oh holy fucking christ. Oh my god, thats Jacobs. Get him on the comm link-

~#Please let me in please! I need to get inside please just let me in! Please dear god open the door#~

Get Jacobs in here! Holy fucking god, J-….Jacobs! Yes get the fuck in here! What is going on? Calm down Jacobs- Jacobs stop crying I need you to stay calm

Im freaking out here man, what is happening? Do not open the airlock! Keep it closed, Jacobs I need you to calm down-When did you last go out in your spacesuit, huh? It was with the rest of us, right? For routine maintenance? Did you see anything-

Jesus christ his tether is ripping, we have to let him in! DO NOT let him in! Jacobs look at me, I need you to tell me if anything strange happened, did you see anything-

He’s losing air man, his tether is ripping! He’s gonna fucking die out there man! Jacobs! JACOBS! LOOK AT ME JACOBS! I NEED YOU TO TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.

~#Please I am not of wanting to die out here in space like baby!#~

Wait what? Oh-Oh god dammit! It’s the fucking Russians! Jacobs were you in on this? You son of a bitch, they got us! Holy shit, that was amazing! God, they got Drogov to look just like you, jeez!

Yeah, wow! Wow is right! God damn, Jacobs you sly son of a bitch! Agh! I can’t even be mad at that, that was genius! Open the airlock, get Drogov in here, we’re having a fucking drink. That was amazing!

 

Drogov! Drogov you rascal!

Rochester Local Gains Fame, Is Instantly Forgotten by All

Rochester, NY- With many prestigious institutions, artistic foundations, and intellectual circles, Rochester is a breeding ground for successful people to grow up and leave Rochester. We have so many great people that have come out of this city and it’s surrounding areas, who leave and make they’re name a success. People like…

…uh, people like….well people who have succeded locally, like George Eastman, the creator of the monolithic Kodak empire. Uh, John Jacob Bausch and Henry Lomb who created the Ray-Ban style of sunglasses and the chain of Bausch & Lomb eye care stores. But, um, lets see what other names found success outside of Rochester!

There’s uh…well he’s from Fairport… but thats close right?

Gosh i just-

-I’m drawing a blank.

uhhh, oh! Oh

Oh oh oh! yeah she’s from around here! uhhh, she…whats her fucking name..

Yeah! She’s in the new ghostbusters…its on the tip of my tongue, honestly.

Theres also some pretty great musicians that have come out of rochester, yeah, gotta remeber their names!

Like, Uh…

Crap, he’s in Joywave and Big Data? they’re getting pretty big right now, crap where did he move to?

Or, ooorrr uhhhh-

Crap, he was in Foreigner! damn…

I mean, well here’s some others I know I remember.

The Alphabet Killer

2 of the Hillside Stranglers

Arthur Shawcross

So! you know like, a good amount of serial killers but…uhhh…

Oh! no theres another one he’s really up and coming-

Ugh! what is his name? He goes to RIT, he’s an upcoming filmmaker, he’s moving to NYC soon…

Its so weird, it’s like everyone who leaves the city after achieving even slight success is never mentioned again until they crash and burn, or die. Or both! It’d be amazing to hear some good news about people from our hometown area.

In a related story, Rochester local Lane McFaddin was found dead in his home in Rochester, having choked to death after his cat sat on his head when he was asleep.

Rest In Peace Lane.