Tag Archives: parody

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Local Man Steps Over Police Brutality Victim To Catch A Pikachu

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Rochester, NY- The streets of east end were filled with the passionate protest of the “Black Lives Matter” movement. The protestors were there to make a point and to passionately express the injustice happening in our country. Yet, Alex Gibbons had other plans that day. Alex just recently downloaded the PokemonGO app that is sweeping the nation by storm. Alex just had one thing on his mind friday night. He had to catch a Pikachu or die trying. Alex had been told that there was a small possibility of catching the rare and mysterious Pikachu on east end, so with only 30% battery left and a PBR in one hand. He trekked down east ave and into the middle of the protest. We spoke with Alex to see how this story unfolds.

” The minute PokemonGO was released I knew the only thing that mattered was getting my very own Pikachu. For the most part all I had been catching all day was Pidgeys, my buddy texted me and asked me if I wanted to join him in the protest later that evening. I said no way because I don’t like to get involved in things that would make me seem like im a passionate or caring guy. Then I found out a Pikachu could be down there, I knew something had to be done. I had to be the one to catch it.”

Alex traveled into the very heart of the protest, completely unfazed by the movement happening around him.

“I knew I couldn’t let them affect my mission. I understand horrible crimes are happening around the country, but do those people understand this has been my dream since I was eleven years old? To actually kind of own my very own Pikachu on cellphone? People getting shot is bad, no doubt, but I can’t let anything stop me.”

As the night continued the police arrived and that’s when things got dangerous, the Rochester police department started arresting the protestors.

“I knew this was the perfect moment to go in, I saw that Pikachu was only two paw steps away from my location, I just had to time it right. And that’s when it happened, I saw this police officer start to attack a completely innocent protestor and I leaped over her to grab Pikachu, it took me a couple of tries, but I got her!”

Alex walked away from the streets completely unscathed and it having nothing to do with being white and not caring about other people.

*Editors Note*

Here at the InnerLoop we are all on team Mystic and believe anyone else on any other team deserves to die a very painful death.

#LOVEFORALL

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Rochester Officals Unable To Find Indian Burial Ground to Build Casino On

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Rochester, NY –  Love it or hate it, a casino is coming to Rochester. The casino has caused quite the divide among many Rochesterians, but there is a major issue that has been plaguing the officials of Rochester for some time. Any corrupt politician knows that a casino must be built on an Indian burial ground for it to truly grasp the heart of the city and curse anyone who enters it. We spoke with mayor Lovely Warren to get her take on this situation.

” I know the people of Rochester are scared of things they don’t understand. They should put their fears to rest. Here at city hall, all the officials of Rochester are very familiar with evil spirits and building things on top of cursed ground. I mean Collegetown was built right on top of the poor community and look how things are going there!”

While many people are opposed to the idea of the casino, they’re are many others who actually think that the casino could be the best thing to ever happen to Rochester. We spoke with local psychic Angela (last name unknown) to see what her thoughts are.

” I think the casino will bode well for the city of Rochester,  but at a very high price! It will probably cost them millions of dollars for the construction and that’s not including labor cost or what if bad weather hits, they have to think about this stuff before they begin such a huge task.”

We asked her what she thought about possibly building it on top of an Indian burial ground.

” Just build it anywhere, I mean our whole country was built on Indian ground by slaves and people don’t ever talk about that or care. The only reason people care about Indian burial grounds is because they made a movie about a white girl who got abducted through a tv set by a ghost. F***ing ridiculous.”

*Editors Note*

For people who are sensitive, please replace the word Indian with Native American and the word f*** with hugs and kisses for all genders.”

 

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5 Signs The Jazz Festival Is Actually A Mass Suicide Event

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Rochester, NY- Every year the jazz festival comes upon Rochester like a hurricane on Florida…during hurricane season or whatever. The jazz festival walks into our lives like a bitchy ex-girlfriend who says “Were over”, but then gets drunk and keeps texting you every night and f***ing with your emotions like some giant teddy bear who just says “Yeah, sure come over, my heart ISN’T RIPPED INTO NOTHING!” Moving on, I think the jazz festival is a giant cover up, are people really there to enjoy the sweet sounds of jazz? Or are they there to commit a giant mass suicide to be joined with the lord of light!

1) They want to hear jazz music–  Okay, this is a giant sign that this is a mass suicide. I mean who in their right mind actually takes time out of their day to listen to jazz music? Jazz music was specifically created for suicide or something like that. Isnt jazz music just people complaining about their lives while blowing into some sort of pipe instrument?

2) Old people are everywhere– Nothing is more a dead giveaway to a giant mass suicide then old people gathering together. I mean every morning at McDonald’s I see old people everywhere and you know what I see the next day on the news? You guessed it, an old people mass suicide! Old people pretty much don’t have anything else to live for besides the sweet sounds of death.

3) The ghost of Louis Armstrong is there– I’m not really a spiritual guy, but I have to admit it’s pretty cool to see the ghost of Louis Armstrong doing something, I mean he’s totally wandering around screaming non-sense about the afterlife and how he needs to swallow the souls of the unworthy or whatever bullshit.

4) My ex-girlfriend loves jazz– If this reason isn’t more obvious that people who listen to jazz music are self-destructive than I don’t know what is. I mean we could have had a great relationship, we could have been something great! But no! That bitch had to ruin everything! I WISH SHE WOULD OF LISTENED AND JUST TRIED TO WORK ON OUR RELATIONSHIP!

5) The hot dog vendor ran out of food– Boom. That’s the final nail in the coffin if you ask me, I mean I’ve personally never thought about suicide, but when I’m a little bit tipsy off of some sangria a man in a top hat offered me and then I can’t even get a good hotdog anywhere. Yeah, I’ll take a knife to my throat along fifty other complete strangers.

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5 Lessons in Love I Learned From Jurassic Park

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Advice on romance can come from strange places. Often its from a close family member, or a well traveled peer. Love is difficult, and full of twists and turns that you can never really learn until you are in the moment. But other times advice come out of goddamn left field with a switchblade and a lazy eye. This is advice you will heed for the rest of your life, especially because you are pretty sure this advice knows where you live and fed glass to your dog.

After re-watching Spielberg’s timeless film, Jurassic Park, I was blindsided by enlightenment. True, this is a highly praised film about dinosaurs and the hubris of man, and true, I may have drank most of a handle of Tullamore Dew and dropped a couple blotters of high grade acid, but when you peel back the layers you can really see the true message behind it: True Love.

1: Every relationship has a light side that helps mend the dark.

We see an immediate juxtaposition between John Hammond (the philanthropic child at heart who hopes to delight the world) and Ian Malcolm (the cynical bad boy who beleives in the chaos of the world), two central characters in the story. Hammond is always in white, the twilight period of the relationship, while Malcolm is always in black. After Malcolm is injured distracting a Tyrannosaurus, Hammond stays with him to help him heal. This shows that, although adverse circumstances can test and try the lighter side, it will always be there to help mend whatever problems each member of a relationship may have.

2: The Velociraptors are step-dads

 

http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/vovui5mwzxyeuwfteshc.jpg

Every relationship has enemies, and my step dad is the one who ruined my last one. He may not be the biggest threat, he’s no Tyrannosaur, but he is crafty, quick, and very predatory. In order to overcome this obstacle, you kinda just need to run away from it, hide in the kitchen, and lock him in the freezer.

3: Laura Dern will always do what is best for the both of you

http://www.jurassicworlduniverse.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/elliesattler02.jpg

 

She is perfect. She will always be perfect. She dug up the bones of friendship and intimacy, and then flew to the island of ancient dreams to live the adventure of love. She will always love you, whether its restarting the power grid or helping attend to the wounded Dr. Malcolm. She is perfection.

4: F***ing Dennis is probably erectile dysfunction because he is a boner holocaust

UGGGGHHHHHHH. DENNIS WHY DID YOU HAVE TO F*** UP EVERYTHING. YOU DID EVERYTHING NOBODY WOULD EVER DO. UGGGGHHHHH.

5: The T-Rex represents healthy communication

Yes, John Hammond may have put up the fence as a way of keeping the T-Rex from killing everyone, and it did kill a bunch of people, but heres what else it did: Never attacked John Hammond (The good in every relationship) it injured Malcolm (The bad in every relationship), it took down the largest barrier in the park (showing that, like conversation and openness, it is strong enough to break the walls we put up betweeen each other), and it killed that lawyer, who also looks like my step dad. So always a plus.

Its how we perceive the art that makes it truly speak to us. Every body we talk to will need to overcome a veloci-dad at some point, and lawyers, and f***ing shit-butt Dennis. Love is out there, just like dinosaurs. It might be the acid hitting me extra hard, or the full bottle of whiskey, but I love all of you, every day.

 

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Time Warner To Change Hold Time From Four hours To Six!

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Rochester, NY- The cable giant which is basically a monopoly, sorry! I meant business! Are making a huge announcement which has stunned thousands of customers! Earlier today the CEO of Time Warner, Robert D. Marcus came out and said this.

“The days of waiting on the phone for four hours to speak to a customer service representative are over! We are announcing today that you will now have to wait six hours to speak to someone instead of the usual four! We know what people think about Time Warner and we plan to change that! I will come out and say on the record that this rumor spreading around that the people who work at Time Warner have homes where our staircases are made of cash and eat from plates made of diamond and tears of our customers! These are absurd statements, we would eat from plates made of moon rocks, not diamonds!”

It seems that the response to this announcement has been overwhelmingly positive from customers,  we spoke with local resident John Anders to just get a sense of how this is going to affect the community.

“I never thought I would see the day where I waited six hours! My entire life has changed, I mean before I could only fit in eating breakfast, going to the bank, making a phone call to my mother, working out at the gym for a couple of hours and then I would finally talk to someone! Now I’ll be able to do so much more with all this spare time, I think I might plan a nice little fishing trip for me and my son, I could spend some time with him. Thank you Time Warner cable for giving me so much time to spend with my son!”

Other residents were not as excited, we spoke with Shelby Cooley who told us how she really felt.

” Are you f***ing serious? How is this possibly a good thing? I wait for four f***ing hours on the phone for someone to tell me that they can’t do anything about my slow internet, now I have to wait six hours for someone to tell me that?! This is insane and anyone who thinks that this is a “good” thing is a complete idiot! Who are you? The Inner Loop? Who the f*** is the Inner Loop?! You’re not a credible source, why do people listen to you?!”

*Editors Note*

Sadly Shelby Menter disappeared and was never to be found again.

 

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Mayor Promises Community Thunderdome by 2020

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Rochester, NY- As one of the more celebrated public works projects to come out of Mayor Warren’s office, the community Thunderdome or “The Rochacha Ruckus” is slated to be open to the public by 2020.

Debates are still going on about the decision to include gambling as part of the viewing process, with most arguments leaning towards allowing it. “If we don’t allow gambling legally during the event, then people are just going to make side bets regardless.” Economist Mike Gerard told us, “With events like these, you’re gonna have some big name contenders who are gonna draw a crowd, and with that there is a huge potential for using the gambling as a way to promote community funding through these events.”

What started as an idea to help curb the homeless problem facing the greater rochester area, the idea quickly spread to the common populace. Several school districts have signed up to start providing blood-sport boosters and training facilities for students interested.

“If we wanted to see kids fight, we’d have to tell them some other kid called them a pussy and watch them duke it out in the parking lot after class,” Says Wanda Earlie, teacher at the Honeoye Falls Central School District, “…that meant eating into after-school program and extra-curricular time. With this, we get the best of both worlds, and parents don’t have to worry about their kids reputation if he pussies out and hides under the gym bleachers.”

At the collegiate level, new graduates and under-graduates are finding great success entering post-graduation life by getting involved in the Thunderdome business. Kevin Finnigan, a RIT student, has even made an Iphone app that lets you follow and keep track of the ranks, matches, and vitals on your favorite gladiators:

Rochester Thunderdome App

With this new public works project already under way, among the multitude of volunteers, the poorer communities of Rochester are going to be the first to be drafted into the fight roster, starting early 2019.

Some are worried that middle and upper class contestants will likely have access to better weapons and armor than lower class contestants. “Yes.” says Kardof Lekleskin, High priest of Krom and secretary to the Lord Mayor Warren. “Yes that is definitely going to happen.”

“TWO CITIZENS ENTER” Mayor Warren shouts at the crowd from on top of her Ivory Speech Castle, “ONE CITIZEN LEAVES! SO SAY THE LORD MAYOR” everyone bows to pay respects to the Lord Mayor. Truly this blood sport will bring back the harvest, and surpass all previous bloodsports. Praise be unto Krom.

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“I Love Time Warner,” Says Masochist

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Rochester, NY – Jim Baker, a resident of Park Ave loves Time Warner Cable. The company provides Internet for almost everyone in Upstate and Central New York. Many of it’s customers have  vocalized various complaints about the company, but Baker is not one of them. We met up with Baker to see why he praises the company.

“I really love Time Warner. It isn’t often a company I patronize aligns so perfectly with my interests,” Baker said.

Those interests Baker is referring to, as I learned in a very uncomfortable half hour, are the sexual practices of Bondage, Submission and Masochism. Baker explained that he derives sexual pleasure from having emotional and physical pain inflicted upon him. He went into extensive detail of this sexual kink of his. Much of his vivid descriptions can’t be repeated in this article.

Eventually, I was able to get the very excited Baker back onto the subject of Time Warner, “Yeah, it is just awesome to be able to interact with a company that is so willingly torturous. I love calling for customer service and being on hold for hours at end. [At this point, Baker went on a tangent about edging that I have chosen to omit].”

Baker went on to explain how he loves how Time Warner treats him like he is lower than dirt. He also said he loves the emotional turmoil he is put in when he has to cancel plans for days on end, not wanting to miss the technician that gave him a 72-hour service window.

“Time Warner is absolutely the company for me, a guy that literally gets off from discomfort and pain,” said Baker as I desperately tried to end the interview.

As I was getting up to go, Baker insisted he showed me a video of his favorite Dominatrix, Colonel Cockcrusher. Luckily, as the video was buffering, Baker’s Internet cut out.

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Michael Keaton Visting Rochester In Just One Continuous Shot

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Rochester, NY- News broke quickly of Michael Keaton coming to our neck of the woods to introduce a screening of “Beetlejuice”. Needless to say many Rochesterians are quite excited about this for obvious reasons, it’s not often we receive an actor who most people thought was dead until his most recent success of being in Birdman. A movie where he played a character who had one hit movie and most people thought was dead until he made a comeback in a popular movie. The most impressive thing about Michael Keaton visiting Rochester is that he plans to do it one continuous shot! We spoke with Michael to get a little insight on how all of this is going to go down and what Rochesterians can expect!

” When I first heard I was going to Rochester, I knew that I wanted to make it as short of a trip as humanly possible, So I spoke with my good friend Academy award winner Alejandro González Iñárritu and he is actually going to direct this whole experience, we’ve been finding a lot of dark alleyways to go down to create the sense of continuity, but in reality we are just going to recruit four homeless guys to play drums on trash cans very loudly to create a sense of panic to keep the audience distracted from obvious edits”

At this point during the interview Alejandro González Iñárritu popped out of the shadows, it seemed that he was disguised as a table full of Kraft foods in order to create the perfect shot for the continuous “one take” shot. When we asked Alejandro González Iñárritu  if he understood that this technically wasn’t going to be “one-take” since they were taking breaks, this what he had to say.

“Life is like an ocean, sometimes the waves roll in strong and fierce. Sometimes they stay completely still. Like the ocean, you truly never know what to expect and you will not always be there to see it. Even though we cannot see the things that happen, we know in our heart that they have happened. El amor es una mariposa y yo soy paloma desnuda.”

Alejandro González Iñárritu  jumped into the air and turned into a large animatronic bird, he flew down and scooped up Michael Keaton into the sky into what we can only imagine is the ultimate “one-take” shot.

 

*Editors Note*

For our non-Spanish readers  El amor es una mariposa y yo soy paloma desnuda
means  Love is a butterfly and I am a naked dove.

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5 Signs Your GirlFriend Was Bit By A Radioactive Spider

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Rochester, NY-  Relationships are always evolving and changing, for better or for worse. Yet, have you ever wondered if maybe your girlfriend is actually evolving into a half-woman, half-spider? We know the feeling, you see her in the corner of your apartment shooting webs from her wrists while she’s cooking dinner, or sometimes crawling along the ceiling to drop of a load of laundry. You can’t just assume that your girlfriend is becoming another kind of creature that will rule us all someday. So we’re giving you a list.

Here are 5 signs that your girlfriend was bitten by a radioactive spider

1. Your relationship is a web of lies and in a literal web- Lying is bad, some guy in the sky told us that long ago, but she just wont stop lying to you! Was she actually out at dinner with her parents or was she testing out her sweet new web-slinging skills above the old arcade? Also, the entire ‘my refrigerator wont open because its covered in titanium strength web’ thing is getting really old.

2. She wants more flies in her cereal- You started dating her for her little quirks, like having a tattoo of planet earth sunbathing on a beach, but eating flies in your cereal? I know that bug protein is like the new fad in poor places, but this seems a bit excessive.

3. She’s asking to drink more blood than usual-Everyone has their kinks, but when you keep waking up in the middle of the night to your girlfriend biting down on your ankle without even talking to you about it? That’s not a only a big sign she’s turning into mutant spider-woman, but she’s also blatantly not communicating her needs.

4.  You have over a 1,000 babies- I know she wanted kids and you think you’ll make a great dad, but you didn’t sign up for a 1,000 kids! I mean they cant even make a good TV show out of that! Plus, you’ve already stepped on over a dozen eggs in your living room!

5. She stopped a moving car with one leg- Now you know she’s been going to her cross fit classes on the daily, but this is absurd. That car was easily going 50mph and should of sent you and her flying into the never abyss that is sweet death.

These aren’t fool proof signs that your girlfriend is a half spawn demon that is now known as a morph of an arachnid and a gentle white woman. Always keep your guard up, you never know when she’ll decide to finish you off.

 

 

 

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Man Can’t Decide If He Should Go To Trader Joe’s Or Kill Himself

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Rochester, NY- Aaron Tanders was trying to have a normal day. He was enjoying his day off and planned on finishing the first season of Jessica Jones. Everything seemed to be going perfectly okay until his girlfriend Stacey walked into the living and asked him this one simple question. “Hey babe, do you want to go to Trader Joe’s with me?”

We spoke with Aaron to see how he was handling this situation.

“I just don’t get it, why would she do this to our relationship? I thought everything was going great with us and then she had to ask me this, like it’s not a big deal! she knows how I feel about Trader Joe’s. I mean our relationship means the world to me and I was planning on proposing to her, but now I think I might be better off just hanging myself, yah know? I mean its Trader Joe’s were talking about here. They offer Almond Peanut butter for $8 a jar. Those people are f***ing monsters.”

It was just reported in the NY Times that approximately 8/10 men will kill themselves when asked if they want to go to Trader Joe’s. It’s a staggering death rate that is tearing apart upper-class white couples. We asked Stacy how she worked up the courage to ask her boyfriend this question, knowing well what the consequences can be.

“I’ve honestly been thinking about this for months and I’ve been wanting to go to Trader Joe’s so badly, I mean a four-pack of avocados for like $4.99, that’s insane! I love my boyfriend so much, but I also love guacamole! I wish the world was an easier place.”

*Editors Note*

Funeral Times for Aaron Tanders will be held at a local Arby’s to honor the kind of food he truly held dear in this life and the next.