Man Can’t Decide If He Should Go To Trader Joe’s Or Kill Himself

Rochester, NY- Aaron Tanders was trying to have a normal day. He was enjoying his day off and planned on finishing the first season of Jessica Jones. Everything seemed to be going perfectly okay until his girlfriend Stacey walked into the living and asked him this one simple question. “Hey babe, do you want to go to Trader Joe’s with me?”

We spoke with Aaron to see how he was handling this situation.

“I just don’t get it, why would she do this to our relationship? I thought everything was going great with us and then she had to ask me this, like it’s not a big deal! she knows how I feel about Trader Joe’s. I mean our relationship means the world to me and I was planning on proposing to her, but now I think I might be better off just hanging myself, yah know? I mean its Trader Joe’s were talking about here. They offer Almond Peanut butter for $8 a jar. Those people are f***ing monsters.”

It was just reported in the NY Times that approximately 8/10 men will kill themselves when asked if they want to go to Trader Joe’s. It’s a staggering death rate that is tearing apart upper-class white couples. We asked Stacy how she worked up the courage to ask her boyfriend this question, knowing well what the consequences can be.

“I’ve honestly been thinking about this for months and I’ve been wanting to go to Trader Joe’s so badly, I mean a four-pack of avocados for like $4.99, that’s insane! I love my boyfriend so much, but I also love guacamole! I wish the world was an easier place.”

*Editors Note*

Funeral Times for Aaron Tanders will be held at a local Arby’s to honor the kind of food he truly held dear in this life and the next.


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