Rochester, NY- Relationships are always evolving and changing, for better or for worse. Yet, have you ever wondered if maybe your girlfriend is actually evolving into a half-woman, half-spider? We know the feeling, you see her in the corner of your apartment shooting webs from her wrists while she’s cooking dinner, or sometimes crawling along the ceiling to drop of a load of laundry. You can’t just assume that your girlfriend is becoming another kind of creature that will rule us all someday. So we’re giving you a list.
Here are 5 signs that your girlfriend was bitten by a radioactive spider
1. Your relationship is a web of lies and in a literal web- Lying is bad, some guy in the sky told us that long ago, but she just wont stop lying to you! Was she actually out at dinner with her parents or was she testing out her sweet new web-slinging skills above the old arcade? Also, the entire ‘my refrigerator wont open because its covered in titanium strength web’ thing is getting really old.
2. She wants more flies in her cereal- You started dating her for her little quirks, like having a tattoo of planet earth sunbathing on a beach, but eating flies in your cereal? I know that bug protein is like the new fad in poor places, but this seems a bit excessive.
3. She’s asking to drink more blood than usual-Everyone has their kinks, but when you keep waking up in the middle of the night to your girlfriend biting down on your ankle without even talking to you about it? That’s not a only a big sign she’s turning into mutant spider-woman, but she’s also blatantly not communicating her needs.
4. You have over a 1,000 babies- I know she wanted kids and you think you’ll make a great dad, but you didn’t sign up for a 1,000 kids! I mean they cant even make a good TV show out of that! Plus, you’ve already stepped on over a dozen eggs in your living room!
5. She stopped a moving car with one leg- Now you know she’s been going to her cross fit classes on the daily, but this is absurd. That car was easily going 50mph and should of sent you and her flying into the never abyss that is sweet death.
These aren’t fool proof signs that your girlfriend is a half spawn demon that is now known as a morph of an arachnid and a gentle white woman. Always keep your guard up, you never know when she’ll decide to finish you off.