Tag Archives: parody

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5 Steps to Getting a Significant Other

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Romance Ave, USA- The path to love is as rocky and dangerous as most paths leading to any war zone or mine field; a dangerous path meant only for the brave or the super brave to forge ahead.  But after the brave have been shot or incapacitated by explosives, feel free to squirrel through the crack like the slippery coward you are.

Your ideal person is on the other side of this decade long conflict, waiting for you to wisk them away and tell them just how much personality you have stored in your folds. But before you can begin the wisking of forever love, you as the wooer need to prove to the wooie that you got the goods. Or goodies depending on your gender.

Here are 5 tips to prove you have the goodies to sweep your sweetie off of their feet.

 

1.Challenge their step dad (who is a wizard) to a fight-

Seriously, this guy is not to be messed with. He knows how to tie knots, and he can make ice-cream with his mind. Its better to get this out of the way first, before he studies you and learns what you fear the most. Don’t let him trick you with mind ice cream, its really so he can figure out how much you hate spiders and intimacy.

2. Draw a bitchin’ skull

Boner Juice, a shitty skull drawing.

Aww yeah, now we’re getting places.

3.  Buy them a new pet. Like, a lizard, or a bird

Really anything thats kinda like a dinosaur. An alligator even, those are like real life dinosaurs. just go to Petco and get one right now. doesn’t matter which.

4. Write them a song about the lizard or fighting their step-dad (who is a wizard)

Any form of sing-song ballad or a musical sonnet about them, their new lizard friend you named “Destructor the Puss Monster” or making their step dad (who is a wizard) eat his own teeth, will be sure to woo your significant other to the point of unconsciousness or heart palpitations.

5. F***ing thrash about it

No sense in hiding it any longer! Break as many things near you and move your body in any way that it isn’t naturally supposed to. That’ll show ’em alright.

 

And there you go! By now you should be knee deep in whatever kind of whatever you are attracted to! Just remember to lay low for a while, you did murder a wizard (who was their step dad), and the police are pretty sure who did it (you).

Also remember to use your powers for good, and that making a relationship takes a lot of hard work and self sacrifice and/or a kick ass guitar solo and enough money to drown the moon.

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WNBA LA Sparks sign cardboard cut out of Michael Jordan to 12 year contract.

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In a move that sent shock waves throughout the loyal community dozens of WNBA fans, the Sparks (which is rumored some kind of women’s basketball team in Los Angeles) finalized a 12 year, $1,372  contract with a 20-year-old promotional cardboard cut out of Michael Jordan from Space Jam.

“I was at the local Goodwill looking through the jackets for old change, ya know sometimes people donate them without even checking the pockets.” said LA Sparks CEO Paula Madison as she huddle around a raging trash can fire she and the rest of the team owners had created in the alley behind the STAPLES center.

“All of a sudden out of the corner of my eye I saw the cutout. We just lost our Starting Guard because she got a job offer from the local Denny’s, so the timing was just right for us to make a move.”

The signing comes hot on the heels of the controversial move made by the New York Liberty to end their contract with their former Point guard, a literal can of tuna fish, in order to sign a 6 year contract with that one rat who was video taped carrying around a piece of pizza in the subway.

“Alot of exciting things are happening in the WNBA!” said the leagues president Lisa Borders, as she fashioned a noose out of an old telephone wire.

 

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“Mystic” Kind of Predicts Prince’s Death

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It was a slow news day today, so it came as a surprise when several local men (large, awful, sweaty men) came bursting into the Inner Loop office. They were panting something terrible and it certainly wasn’t words.

“What are you saying?” Our chief editor squeaked, his tiny mouth quivering on the bottom of his huge, terrible head, “WE NEED THIS SCOOP GUYS!”

After what seemed like an eternity of sweat and panting, the most porcine of the lot lifted his head, and with the filthy voice of some grand swine gurgled out, “She knew it would happen! She predicted that Prince would die!”

So we followed them back to the Mystic’s lair, a one room Air BnB rental in a trailer park outside of Lima, NY.

When we went inside, it smelled great, but looked like a carnival shit-house. The dust was frothing and every grease stain seemed to have its own family. Truly, this was the home of a very powerful wizard, or a very annoying necromancer at the least.

“….I-” boomed the voice of a small child in the back portion of the one room, “-Have seen what cannot be unseen!”

Oh yeah. Mystic shit is abound dear reader.

“So you are the mystic that predicted the exact time of Princes death?” Inner Loop Chief Editor squawked like a damp, flightless bird, “How did you know!?”

The mystic drew a deep breath. Here is a photocopy of the drawing:

https://wellplayedmusic.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/deep-breath.jpg

Then she said, “Back in 2009, I told everyone that people who were famous in the 70’s and 80’s would probably start dying in the next 50 years”

We were shocked. She was definitely not wrong. We were dumbstruck. Dumbfounded. Definitely an appropriate amount of surprised

Ladies and Gentleman, psychics are among us. It is our duty as mothers and Americans to round them up and put them into cages, lest they use their powers to tell us other things. Like what time breakfast should be, or why your dad sometimes doesn’t pick up the first time you call.

We started with this terrible mystic, and now its up to you. God Bless America, and good luck.

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Lilac Festival Announces Cultural Appropriation Awareness Booth

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Rochester, NY – Mary Costner, the Director of Cultural Studies and Understanding at the University of Rochester, is excited to announce a brand new cultural appropriation curriculum coming to the University this fall. She plans to debut a watered down curriculum for a group of lucky participants at the Lilac Festival in May.

“After the events of that one chick being a total bitch at San Fransisco State, and some ginger woman becoming the leader of the Washington State NAACP, I felt it was my civic duty as a White American female to teach other ethnicities what white culture is and why they shouldn’t do it.” Costner said, while holding her trademark ‘Costner for Starbucks’ mug and wearing her ‘White Woman Only’ The North Face sweater. It became very clear early in our interview that Costner was unaware of the fact that she herself was actually an African American, and seemed to hold on to what could be seen as ‘white culture’ with as much respect and confusion as Hillary Clinton holding on to Bills phallic member.

“I realized that if so many people want to preserve their culture, then they need to stop doing as us white people do and learn to love their heritage again, by force.” Mary said, while signaling toward the trove of machines and what could only be described as medieval torture devices that lay beneath her tent. “You see, using Pavlovian methods of association, I will teach woman of non-white cultures that doing things like reaching for John Greene novels and not having corn-roles in their hair, will eventually cause them as much pain as they cause their ancestors.”

 

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5 Signs That You Bought A Churro Instead of a Hotdog

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Oh man, how did this even happen? Weren’t you just at a hotdog stand? Wow, this place is crowded, maybe you just got in the wrong line-Seriously! it’s super crowded in here and you can’t really comfortably look down. When did the Bill Grey’s Iceplex get so freaking crowded? Is there a Tribunes game-no, MCC doesn’t do hockey anymore, that stopped last year. What the f*** is in my hand, and what is going on here?

Lets take a mental checklist to see what cylindrical object is in my hand:

1. Is it smooth, or rigged and crispy?- So, it might be kinda hard to tell, because there is a napkin wrapped around it, and if you move your hand you might drop it. Maybe squeeze it? Wait, no, shit, everybody is moving toward the rink, uh, okay yeah maybe you can find a seat in there.

2. Did you visit a hot dog stand, or a churro stand?- Uhhhh, well i mean I just stood in the line. Honestly it could have been a combo cart, I think it also sold tortas and even kebabs. What kind of cart is that even? Very diverse choice of sales.

3. Alright, what the shit is going on here?- Seriously, there are so many people here. Can’t be a sport thing. Like, holy crap. Is it a holiday today? Oh! There’s a gap in the crowd up there. go and see if you can check out this food in your hand.

4. Is there delicious cinnamon on your hand, or bitter hot dog water?- Well my hands are super sweaty, so thats kind of a bad test. I also work at a bakery so, yeah, there is cinnamon and sugar there too. F*** man, maybe I should’ve gotten a taco- who is that up there? Is this-there is a guy at a podium.

5. Wait, is that Bernie Sanders?– Yeah holy f***, when did- Oh! Oh oh oh, shit, thats right, he had a rally today. F***, well might as well stay, I support his stuff. So I guess- oh! It’s a churro! awww yeaaaaah, churro time.

Alright alright alright! Lets double down to churro town! Bern-dog gets me, I bet he’s a churro hound. Today wound up pretty good.

 

 

 

Shit, I should remember to vote.

 

 

 

 

*Crunch*