Tag Archives: parody

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5 Ways The Silent Disco Can Save Your Marriage

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Rochester, NY-  Fringe Festival is upon us and it is the season of the arts! As well all know art is subjective, people can take a life changing experience from a piece of art or they can walk away feeling nothing! The silent disco is by far one of the most popular events at the fringe festival, for good reason! Its fun, its crazy and its different! Yet did you know that the silent disco can actually save your failing marriage? Dont trust us? Listen to these 5 reasons the silent disco can save your marriage.

1) You Can Say Passive Aggressive Comments- Need we say more? While your significant other is rocking out to George Michael’s “Careless whisper”, you can mouth to them how much you hate their nasty snoring habit! Or maybe let them know you threw out their favorite shirt in a fit of rage! Anything goes! They can’t hear you!

2) You Can “Accidentally” Knock Them To The Ground- Oh! I’m sorry! Were you doing the electric slide? I was listening to the Cha Cha slide is what you will say after you knock your significant other to the ground! Didnt that feel great? You’ll both laugh it off, but now you can finally put behind the fact they never close the bathroom door all the way! Success!

3) You Can Forget About The Kids, Seriously Forget Them-  Headphones and nagging wives are the ultimate sound blockers. When you can’t hear anything, its kind of hard to remember anything. Sure you brought the kids, but where are they now? They stare at their Ipad all day and forget about you, it’s about time you do it to them. Who cares if you’re kinds are getting in strangers van! I want candy just came on and you have to dance!

4) Tell Them You Want A Divorce- What a better time to live out that fantasy of leaving your significant other than when they can’t hear you! Make it interesting and drop to one knee as if you’re trying to be funny! The just rip into them about how sad this marriage makes you and you’re just not happy anymore!

5) Commit To A Year Round Silent Disco- You’ve experienced the silent disco at its finest and now you want more. This is a great time to sit down with your partner and let them know that you think you want to commit to a year round silent disco and not speak or hear from eachother for a whole year! This will do wonders for your marriage!

We hope you’ve enjoyed this! We hope everyone can make it to the silent disco this year!

*Editors Note*

Every member at the Inner Loop are still single.

 

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5 Reasons You Should Let Me Come to Your Kid’s Birthday Party

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Here in Rochester we only have so much time to enjoy ourselves during the day. Between work, drinking, and nodding off in the passing lane of 390, we don’t have a lot of time to really enjoy ourselves. But our kids? Those little shits are smiling 24-7.

Take your son, Brendan. I’ve seen that kid run up and down the block with his little gaggle of barely double digit friends without a care in the world. Water gun fights, playing pretend, lego battles, this kid’s got entertainment flying out of every part of him.

Plus, I know his birthday is coming up, so maybe consider throwing little ol’ me a bone and let me hang out at your kids birthday party.

Whoa! Hey whoa c’mon, here are 5 reasons why you really don’t have to call the police right now.

1: I am super lonely– I get why you thought it was a sexual thing, creepy guy next door, watches your kids a lot, but I’m not trying to plow any kids here. House arrest gets lonely and after a couple weeks of guilt racked thought you just need to get out. Plus the range on my ankle bracelet ends at the back of your yard, so-

2: Sara is still in a coma– Look, when I nodded off after smashing half a needle of the good stuff blasting down 390 how was I supposed to know that we would crash and my sweet Sara would fall into a coma? C’mon, I need a little pick me up.

3: I promise I won’t touch your kids– Please, please i just want to be near some fun. I wont look at them, I wont talk to them, hell, I can just hang out with all of the adults there! Just to talk and meet some of the neighbors and maybe make some friends.

4: Before you ask, Ill probably bring some heroin to your kids party– Absolutely, without a question of a doubt. It’s not a party until we break out the Brown Sugar amirite?

5: I could also bring your kid like, a gift or something– Look, I can’t physically leave my house to an extent. I have some ash trays and a Gideon Bible I stole from a hotel I could part with, but other than that I’m just bare bonesing it right now.

So? What do you say? I know your kids birthday was like a month ago, but wouldn’t he be stoked for another party? You ready to have a failing 38 year old give your kids, and the neighbor kids, hard lessons on life while dipping in and out of consciousness?

Please don’t. No put the phone down…ugh. Well its not a violation of parole to just ask  now is it?!

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Guy Who Never Pays For Netflix Feels Like A God Among Men

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Rochester,NY- David Chester has always enjoyed television. He remembers the days of cable TV and the endless possibility that it presented. Yet nothing could prepare David for the days of streaming television. David has conquered more than fifty seasons of popular TV shows within only  a year span. He accomplished all of this without having to pay even one cent towards anything. That’s right, David Chester has not paid for his Netflix subscription. EVER. How did David do this exactly you ask? We spoke with him to get the full scoop.

” It all started when I moved in with my college roommate, he gave me his Netflix account information one time so I could watch some Futurama while I was baked. Ever since then he just forgot that he loaned me that information, now I can watch whatever I want, whenever I want and with whoever I want! I am not some poor soul who is trapped into $8.99 payments a month! No I am a king, I can afford the finest wines and the best food! All while another peasant of mine pays for my pleasure!”

We asked David if he was able to watch other streaming services such as Hulu, amazon prime or HBOGO for free as well. His response was this.

“There are other things to watch television on besides Netflix? F***!”

At this point David flew off into the air on his jet pack from clearly saving boatloads of money every month unlike us everyday assholes, who, you know. Pay for Netflix.

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Rochester Officials To Introduce A Year Round Cringe Festival

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Rochester, NY-  As we all know, the infamous “Fringe Festival” is approaching. It is a time where the art scene slowly takes over the city of Rochester and we consider things like the silent disco to be art. When did putting on headphones and walking around like an idiot become art? I mean seriously, when It did it become cool for people to listen to Michael Jackson on one channel and Elton John on the next one! In honor of Fringe Festival, Rochester officials have announced that they will be introducing a year round Cringe Festival! Here at the Inner Loop we have been fortunate enough to announce a few of the events at the cringe festival!

 

  1. College Town “Ghost” Tour- The College town ghost tour will take 10-15 lucky people on a “spooky” tour of college town and check out all the abandoned buildings of once supposedly thriving  business’s!! Scary stuff! The tour will end with a five-minute moment of silence for every business that thought they would last.
  2. The Blindfolded Park ave-Monroe Ave 5k– Experience a 5k like you’ve never experienced before! During this 5k we will run through the beautiful streets of Park Avenue and right when were on the threshold of approaching Monroe Avenue we will throw on our city official blindfolds so we don’t have to experience the horror of poverty and homelessness!  A fun time for the whole family!
  3. The Inner Loop Charades– Now that the Inner loop has been filled with dirt, we can only imagine what the city is going to put in its place! Apartment Complexes? Pawn shops? Pawn shops in apartment complexes! Who knows! Come join this fun activity as we play a game of charades and act out what we think will fill the inner loop! We know its going to be great!
  4. The Cracked Pavement Money Grab– Take your chance in as we throw two pounds of locally sourced honey on you and throw you in a tube of dollar bills! Every single dollar that sticks to your body will be used to fund construction work for all the badly damaged roads! We aim to raise at least fifty dollars!

These are just some of the fun activities you can hope to see at this upcoming years Cringe Festival! We are so excited to see all of you out there this year! Also, don’t forget if you live in Rochester, the Cringe Festival is always around! It will never go away!

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Webster Man Determined To Find Something Fun To Do Tonight

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Webster,NY- Jeremy Lyles has been a resident of Webster for over twenty years. Webster is a nice town to live in, raise your kids, drive by a McDonald’s twice on your way home. Yet, damn if it isn’t a town to find some fun in. Webster is a town where Stephen King would write a story about a man going crazy and killing cats or some shit. Jeremy was sick of going to Walmart with his kids and having them scuba dive through the five dollar bin to find die hard two, no matter how much fun that game was. Jeremy shared his thoughts with us on how hard fun is to find in Webster.

“You know, it’s the same old routine day in and day out, I drive through Webster, fight off my suicidal thoughts, get home to the kids, fight off the suicidal thoughts some more and then go to bed. Not anymore, I refuse to live that life anymore. Tonight, even if it cost me my life, I swear I am finding something enjoyable to do in Webster. I refuse to spend another dollar at the AMC movie theater! I am paying fifteen dollars to just fall asleep on my couch! Webster has to have something to do that doesn’t involve thinking about suicide! I swear I’m going to find it! Maybe the kids and I could walk down the street since sidewalks are non-existent! Walking in traffic is fun, right guys?!?”

The Inner loop staff did some detective work of their own and tried to find something fun to do in the town of Webster. Here is a list of things we found somewhat enjoyable.

  1. Peoples pain
  2. Dead trees
  3. More pain
  4. Abbots 
  5. Dead people in Walmart
  6. Abbots to cover up the pain
  7. Rust

Sadly, The Inner Loop lost one of our own to suicide during this detective work. Sometimes trying to find fun has a very steep price.

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5 Signs Prince Is Really Still Dead

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Rochester, NY- Musicians come and go. In a time where any person can have an “album release party”, it’s very difficult to truly know who is a real artist and who is just some asshole who wont stop sending you Facebook event invites. We lost a real artist, a man who can never be replaced and for this I mourn deeply. Here are 5 signs that The artist formerly know as Prince is no longer with is.

 

1) Every skyscraper is still f***ing purple- Death is hard enough to deal with on your own. So every time I want to look at that gorgeous skyline and see those f***ing purple neon lights on the side of every building, REMINDING ME OF THE FACT I’LL NEVER SEE PRINCE PERFORM LIVE EVER AGAIN!

2) Little red corvette has been my ringtone for six months- IT IS THE GREATEST SONG EVER MADE AND TO WAKE UP TO IT LITERALLY MAKES MY SOUL CRY WITH PAIN.

3) I googled is prince dead still and it said yes- So apparently google is god now and can just tell me that prince is dead and is never coming back, no matter how many small goats I sacrifice and no MATTER HOW HARD I PRAY!

4) I bought a little red corvette and burned it- I may have read in this “witchcraft” book that if you destroy items in a fire that were somehow connected to the deceased, it could possibly call his soul back into this realm and we could capture it, forcing dead prince to make a new album!

5) He stopped returning my phone calls- Prince and I were on a first name basis and he totally took my calls and it wasn’t my mom I was calling asking me if I was off my meds. Prince and I were best friends and I know that the only reason he would never return my calls is because he was dead. Obviously.

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Park Avenue Festival Almost Invaded By Puertorican Festival Or By Minorities In General!

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Rochester, NY-  The Park Avenue festival is a thing of beauty! It’s a time where we can all reflect and watch as a rather normal group of human beings completely devolve into nothing but sacks of flesh meat that only crave beer and pussy. As the park avenue festival delved later into the night the parties began to rise. One thing is for sure, the park ave festival knows how to keep things nice and white! Yet, that was almost interrupted by the ever evolving Puertorican festival! We had our people on the scene to see how the two worlds almost collided! We spoke with David Lyndon to get the full story!

” It was a real scary scene, me and my boys were just on our third beer pong game because that slut Stacy broke our homemade corn hole set after two gin and tonics, it’s alright though my boy Tom smashed that shit awhile back. Anyways, I was about to head into the house and then I saw this car go by and at first I for sure thought it was the american flag, but then I realized the american flag has more than one star! It was the puertorican flag! I mean what were they doing our neighborhood! Havent they ever seen West side story or world war 2 pictures? They were asking for trouble! Luckily, they ended up turning around because some local cops starting shooting at them, thank god for the police!”

David at that point took out a gun and started firing into the air screaming “Hail Donald trump, long live the never-ending reign of the white man.”  To get a different perspective on this scene, we spoke with Miguel Rodriguez a local puertorican resident to see how he felt about the park ave festival.

“Park ave festival? Is that when white people walk around and pretend there happy because they bought some over priced “hand-made” adventure time scarf?”

 Yup. That pretty much sums it up.

*Editors Note*

Miguel Rodriguez was quickly brought to justice by the RPD and three random black men and four random black women, all of them which we assure you, deserved to be shot and or arrested.

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5 Problems With “The Inner Loop”

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As you’re reading this blog within another a blog within a website WITHIN YOUR LAPTOP, YOU MUST BE THINKING! What is the Inner Loop? Why is The Inner Loop? Who is The Inner Loop?  The Inner Loop is a blog. A blog that goes beyond the limits of what a blog even means! A blog that points its finger at the masses and shouts “WE CARE NOT WHAT YOU THINK! WE ONLY CARE THAT YOU THINK.” Yet, despite The Inner Loop standing out among the crowd as one of the best blogs to ever exist. It is flawed, like everything else in life. It has cracks, it is written by humans and possibly one shape shifting reptilian person (still investigating). The Inner Loop is sadly flawed and we are here to expose them to the public. Here are five problems with “The Inner Loop”.

  1. Anyone can write for them-  Yeah, that’s right. We’re not making this shit up. ANYBODY CAN WRITE FOR THEM. Like anybody, your mom, your dad, that weird guy on the corner of Monroe and Alexander. Any old asshole with a laptop and two working hands (that aren’t reptilian) can write for them. Do you need to submit an application? Nope. Resume? Nope. Just message the Facebook page group and one of there many “esteemed” writers will respond and add you to the list! This is a dumb idea and its one of the many reason “The Inner Loop” will fail.
  2. None of it is real- If you’re looking for some hard-hitting news with things like facts and real stuff that is actually happening in your everyday life. Look somewhere else, The Inner Loop is straight bullshit. It’s just a bunch of guys who chat through Facebook messenger and mock each other constantly and sometimes come up with articles. They have an article called “Guy on tinder all day, walks into real fire”. Don’t ruin your eyes with this filth.
  3. Writers cant think of their own ideas- Creativity does not come to these guys naturally. I mean even this very article that they’re writing, they had to ask the other “writers” for help to finish this list. You don’t want to read something that took multiple people to make. I mean the only thing that should take two people to create is making a baby and even then they’re are consequences, like that your dad left and he probably got kidnapped by the reptile people.
  4. Michael Colon created it- Who the f*** is Michael Colon? Exactly, apparently he created this thing. He had like a “cool idea” he wanted to talk about with his friends and now it’s turned into this thing that’s actually being consistent with articles and getting more followers every week and some may even say slightly “successful”. That kid is a complete idiot and a total loser. Don’t read anything he is even slightly apart of.
  5. They shed insight into serious subjects with humor– The world is full of serious things and events happening that need to be talked about without any sort of political agenda. That’s what these guys do! Disgusting I know! I don’t want to hear about events happening in the world with a real human perspective and also humor! No thank you! I will gladly go back to my weekly nights of fox news marathons!
  6. Did we mention number 2 already?- Sometimes when I’m writing these articles I get lost because I keep switching tabs between Facebook and checking my bank account, so things kind of get confusing.
  7. They lose count of things–  Numbers are for people who count down the days till they die! We shall be immortal, we shall live among the gods and do the things the gods do!
  8. Never let go Jack– Titanic <3
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Audience Feels Connected To Comedian Who Asked Them “How’s It going”

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Rochester, NY- Alyssa Lyles went to an open-mic comedy night with no idea what to expect, she has never been to a local comedy open-mic before and she was mentally preparing to leave unsatisfied. Yet, what happened next is a true testament to how a the local comedy scene can really touch the hearts of everybody and be more than just a bunch of thirty year olds talking about their dicks. We spoke with Alyssa to really get some insight into how she was affected by one performance in particular.

“You know, I really didn’t expect comedians to be so caring and to try to really connect with their audience, yet this guy really just took a big step and connected with me on a level that I’ve never really felt during a performance. He walked on stage pretty confidently, put his beer on a window ledge, fooled around with the mic for sometime, opened up a notebook and stared it for a solid minute and then turned to the audience and asked us “How’s it going tonight”. It was right there that I knew he was different from the rest, he actually cared about us. He proceeded to tell his jokes and he kept looking at me and asking if I was planning on getting some dick later. He was really just a unique kind of comedian.”

We spoke with Local comedian Jared Kitts to see how he was reacting to such positive statements on his set.

“It’s really f***ing cool, you know I’ve only been doing this for two months, but I feel like I’m killing it. I have this one bit that just constantly works every time. It’s about porn and jerking off and I feel like everybody can relate to that. Classic comedy am I right? F***, have you seen my joke book anywhere?”

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Local Man Steps Over Police Brutality Victim To Catch A Pikachu

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Rochester, NY- The streets of east end were filled with the passionate protest of the “Black Lives Matter” movement. The protestors were there to make a point and to passionately express the injustice happening in our country. Yet, Alex Gibbons had other plans that day. Alex just recently downloaded the PokemonGO app that is sweeping the nation by storm. Alex just had one thing on his mind friday night. He had to catch a Pikachu or die trying. Alex had been told that there was a small possibility of catching the rare and mysterious Pikachu on east end, so with only 30% battery left and a PBR in one hand. He trekked down east ave and into the middle of the protest. We spoke with Alex to see how this story unfolds.

” The minute PokemonGO was released I knew the only thing that mattered was getting my very own Pikachu. For the most part all I had been catching all day was Pidgeys, my buddy texted me and asked me if I wanted to join him in the protest later that evening. I said no way because I don’t like to get involved in things that would make me seem like im a passionate or caring guy. Then I found out a Pikachu could be down there, I knew something had to be done. I had to be the one to catch it.”

Alex traveled into the very heart of the protest, completely unfazed by the movement happening around him.

“I knew I couldn’t let them affect my mission. I understand horrible crimes are happening around the country, but do those people understand this has been my dream since I was eleven years old? To actually kind of own my very own Pikachu on cellphone? People getting shot is bad, no doubt, but I can’t let anything stop me.”

As the night continued the police arrived and that’s when things got dangerous, the Rochester police department started arresting the protestors.

“I knew this was the perfect moment to go in, I saw that Pikachu was only two paw steps away from my location, I just had to time it right. And that’s when it happened, I saw this police officer start to attack a completely innocent protestor and I leaped over her to grab Pikachu, it took me a couple of tries, but I got her!”

Alex walked away from the streets completely unscathed and it having nothing to do with being white and not caring about other people.

*Editors Note*

Here at the InnerLoop we are all on team Mystic and believe anyone else on any other team deserves to die a very painful death.

#LOVEFORALL