ROCHESTER, NY — A brief moment of terror has come to an end as the sun has reappeared in the sky after total darkness lasting hours without explanation. “It was 3 minutes,” reports Brighton resident and annoyed boyfriend, Michael D. “There was an explanation. I already told you it was the eclipse.” Innerloop Blog’s fact-checking department has deemed this account as unreliable.

In potentially related news, independent research by this author has found that what were originally believed to be 5mg THC strawberry smoothie gummies have now been found to contain 25mg of THC, meaning instead of 10mg, as much as 50mg may have been consumed. The author has been given a water bottle and a weighted blanket.

ROCHESTER, NY — Panic erupts in my Brighton apartment because where did the fucking sun go. It was just there, dude, it’s like 3pm. I swear to God it was there a second ago and now it’s just gone.

“It’s the eclipse,” reports Brighton resident and local boyfriend, Michael D. “There’s a solar eclipse today, they’ve been talking about it for months.” The Innerloop Blog has not been able to fact check his eye-witness account. Readers should note: I’m scared as hell, man.

The Innerloop Blog will keep an eye on this story as it develops.

ROCHESTER, NY – The recent announcement of the eclipse’s relocation to Norwalk, CT, has reopened wounds for Rochestarians, reminiscent of Xerox’s departure in 1969. The news came as a shock, with the Moon candidly expressing the decision to forsake Rochester and meet up with the Sun in Norwalk instead.

The move echoes the trajectory taken by the once Rochester-based company, Xerox, leaving crowds disappointed as they gathered to witness the awe-inspiring natural phenomenon of the total solar eclipse, only to be met with a total bust.

“It’s nothing personal against the people of Rochester,” the Moon explained to our Innerloop reporter, “We simply seek to be in a location with new, better, actually talented people.” This sentiment underscores a growing trend of corporations prioritizing access to “talent pools” and strategic locations over longstanding ties to their original communities.

Our InnerLoop team ventured to Norwalk as emotions ran high to gauge the local reaction. They encountered a resident who said, “Look at me! I’m from Norwalk! I wear Patagonia and love to say, “Happy Monday and synergy!”

Adding insult to injury, the moon delivered a scathing denunciation of Rochester during a press conference. “I loathe Rochester and everyone in it, you beanie-headed, garbage plate-eating, Bills-Cladded clowns,” the Moon Concluded.

Mr. Moon man’s vitriolic remarks are a poignant reminder of the shifting dynamics between corporations and their host communities. Loyalty and commitment often take a backseat to bottom-line considerations.

While the wounds inflicted by this departure may still be fresh, the community remains steadfast in its resolve to overcome setbacks and emerge stronger than before. As Rochester navigates this latest betrayal, it does so with a renewed determination to forge its path and shape its destiny, regardless of corporate whims or celestial shifts.

ROCHESTER, NY — Rochester welcomes an unusual guest as a rare total solar eclipse passes directly above Upstate New York. Although the last time the total solar eclipse graced Rochester was in 1925, this solar phenomenon has wasted no time joining Rochester’s common folk in their daily rituals. After all, where better to get blacked out and make a spectacle of yourself than at Rochester’s own Salinger’s tavern.

Regulars at Salinger’s are no strangers to getting blackout on a Monday, and now they can say that they’re not alone! The sun will be in total eclipse starting around 3:20pm and will be blacked out for around 3 minutes, meaning it will probably be sober enough to drive by, like, 3:45 unless someone wants to call an Uber.

Rochester residents and visitors alike are anxiously awaiting the eclipse next week, and fingers crossed that when the sun blacks out, there will be 100% less projectile vomiting than when I did it in college.

Rochester, NY – Local news anchor Don Alhart has announced his retirement and no one is taking the news harder than local murderers. The Innerloop Blog has had a flood of messages from some of Rochester’s most wanted criminals with their disappointment in hearing the news of Alhart’s departure from the broadcasting world.

Rochester, NY – Mayor Malik Evans has announced an innovative initiative to crack down on trash and “other things” in the Genesee. “We’re going to boil the whole river,” said Mayor Evans in an Interview.

The program would boil the “cancer-infused garbage soup” that once joyously bubbled through a picturesque valley that is now Rochester, New York.

Mayor Evans says he was flabbergasted to learn just this morning that Rochestarians are drinking dirty poopoo water. “I have many loved ones who drink water,” he says; “in fact, I myself have even drank water before.”

 When asked how he plans to accomplish this task the Mayor said “There are things we don’t know yet and things we haven’t been given information on.”

Unfortunately, the Mayor’s first attempt to plug in a gigantic hot plate to boil the water damaged Monroe’s power grid early Wednesday, March 20.

The Mayor let our Innerloop Blog reporter know he is currently assembling a Genesee Boil Task Force (GBTF) which includes that guy from Kodak who accidentally discovered a-bomb testing, some annoying RIT nerd, and the creator of “Genesee Lite,” who has “more experience with garbage water than anyone east of India.” 

We have reached out to the Monroe County Water Authority for their opinion on boiling the Genessee River and to Captain Jim’s Fish Market to see what side dishes they would pair with boiled river carp.

ROCHESTER, NY — After finding a dead body in the Highland Park Reservoir, Rochester city officials warn residents across the city to boil their tap water before consuming to remove contaminants.

In a sample taken from tap water across Rochester, traces of contaminants originating from the dead body ranked third amongst total water pollutants.

“Third?” asks John Thane, Brighton resident, noted water-drinker. “How can it be third? What are in first and second?”

Despite similar questions from various concerned citizens, Rochester officials have yet to make a definitive statement.

“We understand the concerns of folks across the city,” says city representative Chuck Rowley. “Let’s just say the other contaminants won’t be so easily boiled out. These pollutants are actually a fundamental part of the water, and more so, of Rochester itself.” Rowley refused to elaborate, instead offering this vague and ominous statement: “Let’s just say it would be like separating the blue from the sky- like removing the fire from the sun. Those contaminants aren’t going anywhere, and if we’re being honest, they will far outlive us all.”

The body has been removed from the reservoir and is being examined for signs of foul play. The city advises residents to boil their water until further notice, or until you can no longer smell the stench of death coming from your Kool-Aid.

Rochester, NY – Local couple Alex and Emily got engaged during the pandemic and have been planning their dream wedding ever since. After searching all over Monroe County they decided The Wintergarden was the perfect place to tie the knot and decided to make it official last week by turning in their deposit check.

“We knew the venue wasn’t going to be cheap so we didn’t think anything of the amount they wanted for the check,” says Alex. “But now we’re wondering if $19,000,000 isn’t the standard rate in town. We’re facing a dilemma bigger than choosing between chicken or fish for dinner!”

The issue is the owner of several local restaurants including The Wintergarden was recently accused of defrauding Five Star Bank of nearly 19 million dollars in an alleged check-kiting scheme. For those who do not know how check-kiting works, please research it and send us your findings because we also do not understand what that means.

“It was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives,” lamented Emily, clutching her wedding planner tightly. “Now, I don’t know whether to cry or laugh hysterically.”

To come up with the money to secure the deposit, Alex had to pick up several part-time jobs and Emily started an OnlyFans account that she says involved “feet and garbage plates.” She was able to come up with the $19M in just about a month.

“The venue hasn’t deposited our check yet so we’re debating whether or not to call our bank and have them cancel it,” says Alex. “Ironically we use Five Star Bank.”

In the wake of a devastating cyberattack on Change Healthcare that’s left pharmacies nationwide unable to process prescriptions, Rochester’s Mayor Malik Evans has announced that the Mt. Hope CVS pharmacy has been unaffected due to its pre-existing inefficiencies.

“While wait times at pharmacies in other cities are up to three hours,” the Mayor said at a press conference Thursday afternoon, “the Mt. Hope CVS has maintained its average wait time of three hours.”

At press time, it was reported that pharmacies in nearby Buffalo were taking a page from Rochester’s book and intentionally implementing staffing shortages at their own pharmacies in an effort to defend against future cyberattacks.