All posts by Lane Lawley

Demonstrators Outside Strong Hospital Demand New Mandates They Can Protest

Rochester, NY – Following the widespread relaxation of mask, social distancing, and vaccination mandates across New York State, the demonstrators outside Strong Hospital along Elmwood Avenue are calling for the re-introduction of pandemic mandates they can protest, report Inner Loop Blog correspondents in the area.

“Why are we out here, week after week, protesting nothing at all?” one organizer told our reporters at a recent demonstration. “The Governor needs to wake up and re-introduce these ridiculous mandates which, frankly, after she re-introduces them, need to be repealed immediately.”

In the meantime, however, the demonstrators show no signs of stopping, waving blank signs and chanting in idle, discordant waves about nothing in particular at least once per week.

When asked for comment, the City government responded to clarify that they do not set or abolish State-level mandates, but that they strongly recommend that all Rochester residents follow the opposite of whatever guidelines the protestors are calling for at any given time.

Bob Lonsberry Planning New Show “Wait Wait… Don’t Tell HR!”

Local conservative talk radio host Bob Lonsberry is currently preparing to host a new panel-format comedy radio show called “Wait Wait… Don’t Tell HR!”, sources inside WHAM confirmed this week.

While Lonsberry’s show will draw its basic quiz format from its sister show, “Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me!” on WBEZ, leaked internal documents reveal that WWDTHR will feature its own unique segments, such as “Gaslight the Listener” and “Lightning Fill-in-the-Divorce-Paperwork”.

Panelists will reportedly be eliminated from each game by being officially terminated by WHAM for the extensive use of sexist, racist, and/or homophobic sentiments necessary to answer the show’s questions correctly. In an effort to preserve the show’s cast, WHAM has confirmed that all terminated WWDTHR panelists will be re-hired prior to each week’s episode, conditional on the completion of mandatory weekly sensitivity training, or at least a solid attempt at its completion, like opening the webpage at some point.

At press time, sources inside WHAM also confirmed that Bob Lonsberry would be the first to be eliminated from the show’s debut episode for making an untoward pun using special guest Paula Poundstone’s last name.

Spectrum Rebrands as “Gaslight” to Compete in Rochester Fiber Internet Market

Rochester, NY – The telecommunications company formerly known as Spectrum rebranded itself on Monday, in an effort to compete with Tom Golisano’s “Greenlight” company for control over the Rochester fiber internet market. Now known as “Gaslight”, the internet giant will reportedly be offering fiber optic internet service to nearly twelve households in Monroe County.

“We’re passionate about bringing affordable, high-speed internet to the community,” a spokesperson from Gaslight said at a press conference. “While some have criticized our service as spotty or sluggish, we think they’re just absolutely crazy. They should have their reaction times checked out at a doctor. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with our network.”

While some Rochester residents welcome the competition, others are worried that Spectrum’s inconsistent pricing and predatory sales tactics will remain in Gaslight’s business repertoire. At press time, however, Gaslight dismissed these concerns as “the ramblings of the truly deranged.”

RG&E Reports Over 10,000 Customers Remain Without Chill

Following Saturday’s windstorm, in which 70 mile per hour gusts devastated power and communications lines around the county, Rochester Gas & Electric has reported that over 10,000 of its customers in the Rochester area still have absolutely zero chill about the whole situation.

“It has come to our attention that thousands of our valued customers can’t, like, just cool it with the complaints for one goddamn second,” a spokesperson wrote in a statement released early Sunday morning. “We obviously know your power’s out, OK? We’re working on it. Losing power isn’t the end of the world. Go do a crossword or something.”

Sources inside the regional utility giant report that the company expects to have restored power to a majority of households by Monday morning, but that there are currently no estimates of when occupants will settle the fuck down and think about maybe buying a few flashlights next time.

At press time, we were unable to reach RG&E for comment, because our power was out.

East Rochester Aims to Vaccinate More Than 70 of Its Population by End of Year

East Rochester Mayor John R. Alfieri announced his goal of vaccinating more than 70 of the town’s population by December 31st, 2021 in a press conference earlier this week.

“The pandemic isn’t over as soon as you are vaccinated as an individual,” he explained early Tuesday morning. “We need the community to be vaccinated. At least 70 of you guys. Come on.”

This announcement follows more than half a year of vaccine controversy within the town, with many residents insisting that only 50 people really needed to be vaccinated, and many more insisting that full herd immunity was achievable by simply letting the entire population of the town die.

At press time, East Rochester has reached 30 vaccinated individuals, with the mayor noting that they were off to a good start, assuming they could reduce their total population to 80 people.

Mayor Warren’s Approval Rating Plummets to 99%, Reports Mayor Warren

Mayor Lovely Warren’s approval rating has plummeted to an all-time low of 99%, the Mayor herself reported earlier this week in a report issued on unofficial letterhead.

“While I maintain my innocence on all counts,” the report reads, “I do acknowledge that some residents disapprove of my actions, for some reason. By my own office’s estimate, as many as 1% of Rochesterians no longer support my administration.”

This report comes as a response to several controversies miring the Mayor, among them unregistered weapons found in her home, potential campaign finance violations, and an alleged conspiracy to topple the government of the country of San Marino and dissolve its republic in a political coup.

Sources close to Mayor Warren have told the Inner Loop that she does plan to run again in the future, and hopes to boost her share of that future vote to a record-breaking 115%.

Danny Wegman Calls for RPD Transparency on Name, Phone Number, Prices of Granison’s Dealer

Rochester, NY – Following the arrest of Rochester’s first gentleman Timothy Granison on drug charges, local business owner Danny Wegman has publicly called on the Rochester Police Department to release the name, phone number, and gram price of whomever Granison’s dealer is.

“Cocaine is a terrible drug,” Wegman wrote in a statement released Thursday, “and it plagues our community. I, for one, cannot rest comfortably until I know who was responsible for providing this poison, and how much they charged, and also where I can call them.”

Wegman continued his pleas for full transparency in an interview on WXXI later that day. “There are so many dealers on the streets, ruining lives. Which one? Which one did this? For real, what’s his name?”

At press time, Inner Loop Blog reporters had reached out to the potential dealer, and plan to reach out to him again, but definitely no more often than once or twice per week.

Red Wings Fans To Experience Pride For First Time

Rochester, NY—On July 2nd, 2019, hundreds of Rochester Red Wings fans are set to experience pride for the first time, and the impending game seems to be kindling anticipation and trepidation alike in the Rochester community.

“I know fans in San Francisco and New York must have pride every year at their games,” local Red Wings superfan Katherine Otsuka said in an interview we eavesdropped on from behind some bushes, “but Red Wings fans just aren’t ready for it. We’ve never had pride in the thirty plus years I’ve been coming to these games.”

But many Rochesterians are ready to finally have pride in a game played by the oldest sub-major league sports franchise in the United States. When asked for comment, an Inner Loop Blog editor-in-chief, who has asked to remain anonymous, said that they were “excited, sure, I guess”, and went on to inquire about “those stories you said you’d have done a month ago”.

Regardless of the community’s feelings, the Red Wings seem determined to finally let their fans experience some pride at one of their games: when asked whether he had any qualms about it, Red Wings mascot Spikes stared wordlessly, and yet with what this reporter regards as fierce determination, before walking away.

RTS Roboticists Develop Self-Delaying Buses

ROCHESTER, NY – Roboticists from Rochester’s Regional Transit Service (RTS) have developed a new self-delaying bus, the public transportation agency announced on Friday, and hope to conclude testing as early as August.

While traditional buses rely on a human driver to initiate delays—often in response to a traffic mishap or personal issue—the new buses are reported to be able to produce delays as long as one hour for absolutely no reason, obviating the need for costly human dependence.

This development comes at a time of increasingly heated public debate regarding the role of automation in society. When asked for their thoughts on the prospect of job loss in the public sector, RTS roboticists were on break and not responding to questions.

Traffic Cone Memorial Erected in Middle of West Henrietta Road

ROCHESTER, NY – Construction wrapped up today on the 15-foot-tall memorial statue commemorating a cluster pothole traffic cones right in the f***ing middle of West Henrietta Road. The statue is situated atop the former pothole site, still right in the f***ing middle of West Henrietta Road.

“Those potholes were an institution,” one resident recalled. “I’ve got a lot of memories of last-minute merges into that right lane, and I’m glad to see the county acknowledging our history like this.”

The monument is not without its detractors, however: sources inside the Rochester city hall report that many drivers are complaining that the statue is still right in the f***ing middle of West Henrietta Road.

When asked about the controversy, city officials said that they’re looking into the situation, but that any resolution is unlikely until they wrap up the “Potholes on Parade” branding effort late this June.