All posts by Lane Lawley

A hard-hitting reporter who has been repeatedly instructed to stop hitting people so hard

Some Festival Thing Apparently Going On In City, Report Disinterested Suburban Parents

Rochester, NY – Some festival thing is going on in the city or something, some disinterested parents from the suburban Henrietta and Penfield neighborhoods announced in a press conference held early this morning.

“Yeah, I guess it’s an arts festival, or maybe a music festival. I forget what it’s called,” said Trish Lehrman, 46, in an exclusive interview. “Is it Jazz Fest? No, that was in July. I don’t know. I don’t think I’ll go.”

The announcement comes as another in a series of economic hits to Rochester at a time when festival attendee influx from the suburbs is a key part of the city’s economic reform.

At press time, every suburban parent in the Rochester metropolitan area had already made a reservation to eat at Applebee’s on the night they thought this festival thing was, anyway.

Red Wings Fans To Experience Pride For First Time

Rochester, NY—On July 2nd, 2019, hundreds of Rochester Red Wings fans are set to experience pride for the first time, and the impending game seems to be kindling anticipation and trepidation alike in the Rochester community.

“I know fans in San Francisco and New York must have pride every year at their games,” local Red Wings superfan Katherine Otsuka said in an interview we eavesdropped on from behind some bushes, “but Red Wings fans just aren’t ready for it. We’ve never had pride in the thirty plus years I’ve been coming to these games.”

But many Rochesterians are ready to finally have pride in a game played by the oldest sub-major league sports franchise in the United States. When asked for comment, an Inner Loop Blog editor-in-chief, who has asked to remain anonymous, said that they were “excited, sure, I guess”, and went on to inquire about “those stories you said you’d have done a month ago”.

Regardless of the community’s feelings, the Red Wings seem determined to finally let their fans experience some pride at one of their games: when asked whether he had any qualms about it, Red Wings mascot Spikes stared wordlessly, and yet with what this reporter regards as fierce determination, before walking away.

RTS Roboticists Develop Self-Delaying Buses

ROCHESTER, NY – Roboticists from Rochester’s Regional Transit Service (RTS) have developed a new self-delaying bus, the public transportation agency announced on Friday, and hope to conclude testing as early as August.

While traditional buses rely on a human driver to initiate delays—often in response to a traffic mishap or personal issue—the new buses are reported to be able to produce delays as long as one hour for absolutely no reason, obviating the need for costly human dependence.

This development comes at a time of increasingly heated public debate regarding the role of automation in society. When asked for their thoughts on the prospect of job loss in the public sector, RTS roboticists were on break and not responding to questions.

Traffic Cone Memorial Erected in Middle of West Henrietta Road

ROCHESTER, NY – Construction wrapped up today on the 15-foot-tall memorial statue commemorating a cluster pothole traffic cones right in the f***ing middle of West Henrietta Road. The statue is situated atop the former pothole site, still right in the f***ing middle of West Henrietta Road.

“Those potholes were an institution,” one resident recalled. “I’ve got a lot of memories of last-minute merges into that right lane, and I’m glad to see the county acknowledging our history like this.”

The monument is not without its detractors, however: sources inside the Rochester city hall report that many drivers are complaining that the statue is still right in the f***ing middle of West Henrietta Road.

When asked about the controversy, city officials said that they’re looking into the situation, but that any resolution is unlikely until they wrap up the “Potholes on Parade” branding effort late this June.

University of Rochester Scientists Begin Research on Accelerating Global Warming

ROCHESTER, NY – Faced with the recent cold snap, which plunged the air temperature down to a dangerous -24 degrees Fahrenheit after wind chill, scientists from the University of Rochester have undertaken an emergency research project to accelerate global warming, the University announced late Thursday night.

“Current models predict a 2 degree Celsius increase in global average temperature by 2020, which should frankly alarm everyone,” visibly shivering postdoctoral researcher Lydia van der Horst told us in an interview. “That’s far too slow; we’re looking to get at least 5 degrees by the end of 2019.”

The researchers are drawing up plans for a coal plant of unprecedented scale. The energy produced by the coal plant will then be used to break apart old carbon deposits in the soil, further polluting the atmosphere to trap heat and avoid more winters like this one.

In addition to the coal plant, other teams are working on accelerating global warming with a combination of pro-driving social campaigns, international shipping incentives for the world’s top exporters, and something called “hyper-beef”.

“If global warming continues like this unaided,” Dr. van der Horst warned, “we may keep seeing winters like this, over and over. Everyone needs to do their part: eat more meat, drive bigger cars, and leave your lights on. Our future is at stake.”

Highland Park Diner Named #1 Spot in Rochester to Stand in Line at for Hours

ROCHESTER, NY – The Democrat and Chronicle released its yearly local establishment rankings this week, once again naming the highly popular Highland Park Diner on South Clinton as the city’s #1 spot to stand in line at for hours on end.

“When you break the city’s best lines down to their individual features,” Rochester’s largest newspaper explained in their report, “[the Highland Park Diner] stands out in every category: the food other people are eating smells great, the people in line with you are friendly, and the scenery outside–where you’ll be spending the majority of your time there–is second to none.”

The Highland Park Diner has won this honor every year except 2012, when reporters were unable to make a left turn into the parking lot.

Other notable picks this year were the 490-590 interchange for “Worst Place to Raise a Child” and the East Ave. Wegmans parking lot for “Cheapest Assisted Suicide”.

Thousands and Thousands Confirmed Dead in Mt. Hope Cemetery

ROCHESTER, NY – Over 350,000 people have been confirmed dead in Mt. Hope Cemetery, the City of Rochester informed us in an exclusive interview.

“Wait, are you reporting this as news?” one city official asked. “It’s an extremely old cemetery; these deaths aren’t a surprise to anyone. What publication did you say you’re with?”

Our investigation was spurred by a tip from Alice Kaminsky—a Rochester native and a regular jogger in the Cemetery—who claimed to have spotted tens of thousands of gravestones marking human corpses all around her.

“It was surreal,” Kaminsky told us. “All those years I’d been jogging in the Cemetery, and to just head there like it was any other morning and be surrounded by this massive cloud of death…I don’t think I’ll be able to go back.”

Conservative estimates place the Cemetery-area death rate as high as 500 deaths/year, and the City of Rochester is urging residents, especially families with small children, to avoid renting or buying houses in the Cemetery for the foreseeable future.

At press time, City Officials were no longer taking our calls.