Rochester, NY – Billionaire Tom Golisano and his family are bracing for yet another week of air strikes from local Geese. The Goose squadron is loading up on oatmeal, black beans, and fiber supplements to deliver the maximum payload to the yard of Mr. Golisano’s Canandaigua Lake Summer Home..

The chemical warfare has run rampant on the Paychex owner’s yard for years only stopping during the winter months when the unruly fowl fleet of feathered Canadians retreats to Florida to load up with munitions for the warmer months.

Last fall, Mr. Golisano threw himself at the feet of local legislators to please save him from the torment and withheld his $90,000 in property taxes.

This year Mr. Golisano worked all night on a giant paper machete recreation of the goose leader Tiberius Goose Cannon to show Canandaigua leadership what he’s dealing with. Originally the panel thought it was strange that Tom brought in a goose to the meeting as if they’d never seen one before but allowed Mr. Golisano to make his plea all the same.

All Mr. Golisano wants is to do is lower the assessment on his property so he can reappropriate those funds to hire a group of the Geese’s natural predators to fight off the invasion.

The ragtag group of assassins he has in mind is made up of a wolf, bear, and a homeless guy who got really good at catching the birds. “I learned my skills when I fell on hard times when I became addicted to both Foie gras and heroin.”

#PrayForGolisano

ROCHESTER, NY – The world is just getting back to normal after “The Great YANNI VS LAUREL Debate of 2018” but a new controversy is brewing. A picture going viral around the internet is splitting families apart. Do you see a Man Eating A Garbage Plate Sober or do you see Textbook Clinical Depression?

ROCHESTER, NY – While the world was captivated by the coverage of the Royal Wedding of Prine Harry and Meghan Markle, Rochesterians were treated to a wedding that actually matters. After years of playing outside of Rochester Sports Stadiums and Bars, Walter The Accordion Guy has finally made an honest woman of his accordion.

The ceremony took place outside of Frontier Field and was officiated by the Christian dude that usually handing out pamphlets and yelling “REPENT NOW OR HAVE YOUR SOUL BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY!” while you stand in line for a ticket.

Crowds were moved to tears when Walter said “I DO” and proceeded to play ‘Take Me Out To The Ball Game’ on his new bride.

“It was super cool until they decided to consummate the marriage right there on the street,” said one Wedding onlooker. “Still better than whatever that was in England! The Duke and Duchess of Sussex and Eat Dookey and Suck-It!”

ROCHESTER, NY – Dale Frederickson from Chile decided to check out the Lilac Festival on opening day and found a parking spot only one block away from the entrance. Realizing he would never find better parking, he decided to live in his car for the duration of the Festival.

“So this spot is pristine. I don’t have to switch sides of the streets every other day and I am not near a hydrant. Sure. I haven’t seen my family in a few days and work wants to know where I have been but THIS SPOT THOUGH!”

Mr. Frederickson has been living off of free samples, giant novelty smoothies, and giant bags of kettle corn. He smells.

ROCHESTER, NY – Some rich prick named Bethany or Skylar caused a 200 person traffic jam on the walking path at Lilac Festival today.

Her Hyundai Double-Wide stroller and her crappy kids are moving slower than cheese through intestines down as they make the loop around the festival.

Instead of pulling off to the side like a decent human being, she has decided that it’s her world, and we’re living in it, so get ready to make awkward small talk at the Verizon Booth because you’re going to be stuck in front of it for awhile.

Oh cool, her kid just dropped their binky, and she ran it over with the wheels of the stroller that look like their all-terrain approved. You could pick it up and give it back to her but you know she’s not going to say thank you.

ROCHESTER, NY – The Food and Drug Administration has determined that the classic parody “TOPs never mops, look at their floor” is 100% accurate and is looking to enforce huge fines against the supermarket chain.

InnerLoopBlog.com caught up with the local hero that created the classic parody song. Jeff Greenwood, now 47, told us that he created the joke on the back of the bus on his way to 4th grade. “The slogan was everywhere. TOPS NEVER STOPS. TOPS NEVER STOPS. It was all I could hear in my head. My family could only afford PriceRite so I decided I had to take them down a peg.”

He tried several variations:

TOPS Always Flops, Like A Fat Whore
TOPS Calls The Cops, Don’t Share Your Score
TOPS Photoshops, Votes For Al Gore

But when he hit “TOPS never Mops” he knew he had something special.

“It instantly put me on the same level as the kid that created ‘Jingle Bells Batman Smells’ and it felt amazing.”

Unfortunately, Mr. Greenwood let his popularity go to his head and he soon found himself in the same spot several child stars before had hit. Rock Bottom.
By the end of Fourth Grade, Jeff was fully addicted to Horse Tranquilizers. He was kicked out of school after showing up to an Ice Cream Social completely naked other than roller blades.

“I have cleaned myself up since then and I am now doing well.” Jeff is now a manager at a TOPS Friendly Markets.

Kananga,  Republic of the Congo – An investigation of Third World Countries has confirmed that Rochester NY based Adult Kickball Teams are the overwhelming supplier of clothing for the world’s poorest nations.

“Every year, they make more shirts, and every year we get the ones they get rid of” said Mayor Gorbin sporting a 2012 Kickball League shirt from the team To F*** To Drunk.

“Why do they need new shirts every season?” continued Mayor Gorbin. “Don’t get me wrong, we were tired of wearing our ‘Atlanta Falcons Superbowl Winners’ apparel. But it just seems like a huge waste of money to make shirts for every new season of kickball?”

Rochester, NY – This week the Rochester Americans decided as a team to settle for a Participation Trophy and let the Syracuse Crunch move on in the AHL Calder Cup Playoffs.

Amerks Fans were a little upset that their favorite team was swept in the first round in seemingly easy fashion but “hope everyone had fun out there.”

It was the first time the Americans had been in the playoffs since 2014 and didn’t want to seem too cocky in their first year back. Maybe next year? Probably not.

ROCHESTER, NY – Trying to cash in on some free publicity following the success of the Walmart Yodelling Kid, Harts Grocer has announced that they’ve given a residency to a “new viral sensation” Mumble Rap Girl!

“We tried a few genres including a Polka Boy, Rasta Baby, and Trance Tween, but Mumble Rap Girl has by far had the biggest response,” said Greg, a Manager at Harts.

Mumble Rap Girl’s real name is 7-year-old Stacy Rollenstein from Penfield. She used her advance to fit in with the other popular young rapper in 2018 to get a grill and face tattoos. Her parents believe in “free range” parenting and allowing her to make her own mistakes which this new job totally is not!

Rochester,NY-  News spreading of Amazon to open up a facility in Henrietta has gotten around to local Rochester residents, few can only speculate what this means for Rochester as a whole. Yet, we have just confirmed that the amazon headquarters will be offering “Garbage Plate” deliveries via drones to anyone within a fifty mile radius of the facility! This is going to be a game changer for the residents of Rochester and what it means to get food delivered straight your mouth! We spoke with a representative at Amazon to get an idea of what this delivery system will look like.

“We know how much the people of Rochester love garbage plates and that’s why we cant wait to literally just drop a hot garbage plate right on top of people outside of their favorite bar, this program is still a work in progress and we haven’t quite figured out how to get the plate to your hands so we just drops the contents of the plate from sixty feet in the air and hope most of it gets caught in your mouth”