All posts by Shane Allen

Stand-Up Comedian | Real Estate Agent | Wedding DJ
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Man Kicked Out of Movies 10 for Wearing BLACK panther FACE

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ROCHESTER NY – A man had to be removed from a movie theater during the first screening of the new Marvel Black Panther movie in Rochester due to cosplaying.

Black Panther will be released in theaters nationwide tomorrow but in typical Marvel fashion, some theaters were allowed to have exclusive screenings today.

Movies 10’s exclusive early screening sold out in less than 15 minutes back in January. One of the fanboys that was lucky to get a ticket before they were gone was Thomas Greenfeld from Greece.

“I have been a huge Black Panther fan since he first appeared in Fantastic Four #52 in 1966!” Greenfeld told The Innerloop Blog.

The 62-year-old Rochester native bought a ticket-for-one just 5 minutes after the tickets went on sale online. A half hour later he was hard at work getting his cosplay ready.

“I knew a lot of fans would be showing up to the screening in costume and I wanted to stand out so I decided to study the art of makeup. I focused in on Japanese girls Youtube channels because I have an Asian fetish… [stammering]… I mean… I found them to be the most helpful. You won’t include the Asian fetish thing right?” continued noted Asian fetishist Tom Greenfeld.

Unfortunately for Mr. Greenfeld, none of the Japanese Makeup Vlogs hef requested must have included that it’s frowned upon in America for caucasian males apply Black makeup all over their face. [For More Info on Why See: Minstrel Shows Wikipedia Page, Ted Danson Blackface Google Image Search, and the 1986 movie “Soul Man”]

After months of working on his Black Panther makeup, it was finally movie day, so Tom applied his face, and headed to Movies 10 for the showing.

Tom was greeted with several “aww hell naw” and “you gotta be shi*ing” me’s. Tom took these as compliments as if the audience preparing to see the movie was impressed with his cosplay. They were not.

After several complaints to theater staff, Mr. Greenfeld was removed from the theater, given a ticket to another show, and told to dress appropriately next time.

Tom believing that people were upset by how realistic his makeup was is planning to switch things up and dress up to look like the star of the movie Chadwick Boseman.

The Innerloop will post calling hours for Mr. Greenfeld soon as we’re sure this will be his last living act.

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1-Year Later: Man Still Waiting in Restaurant Lobby for Wife to Complete Valentine’s Day Scavenger Hunt

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ROCHESTER NY – “All I have to say is f*** Pinterest for making me think this was a good idea” says George Rollenfeld of Webster who has now been living in the lobby of The Owl House for the past year.

George decided to get creative with the Valentine’s Date with his wife of 5-years Clair. “I just wanted to surprise her and show her I still cared. So I did a quick AskJeeves search of the ‘Top Ten Free Valentines Date Ideas That Don’t Take No Effort’ and I came across this idea of a scavenger hunt.”

George put together a 5 clue scavenger hunt that would end where the couple had their first date and where he later proposed. He snuck out the morning of Valentine’s Day and told his wife “good luck.” Mr. Rollenfeld thought the clues were easy enough that his lover would solve the puzzle in only a few hours.

However, George ended up staying until The Owl House closed it’s doors for the night on Valentine’s Day of 2017. George slept in his car just in case his wife figure it out later. He woke up and went back to waiting in the restaurant’s lobby.

He would repeat this process for the next week. Then the next month and by then he had lost his job for missing so many days. The Owl House, now fully aware of his plight decided to hire George as a busboy to make a living while he waited.

“I didn’t want to be tempted to text her so I locked my phone away as one of the clues” said George when we asked why he never reached out to Clair about her progress in the puzzle.

The Inner Loop blog caught up with Clair at their shared home where we were surprised to find that she was sharing with a new husband.

“When George decided to ghost me last Valentine’s Day, it was the last straw. After 5-years of marriage, you’re just going to disappear and not text me?” Clair told us. “I had to move on.”

It turns out Clair never found the first clue to trigger the scavenger hunt.

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Xerox Intern Fired for Adding Women’s Underwear in Vending Machines to “Welcome Fujifilm Owners”

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Rochester, NY – In an attempt to curry favor with new management and possibly turn his Fall Internship into a full-time paid position, Jeremiah Hoffstetter took it upon himself to “Welcome the new Fujifilm owners” to Rochester. But unfortunately for Jeremiah, he took it too far.

While the person who was in charge of stocking the breakroom vending machine was inserting some new packs of Fritos, Jeremiah convinced them to include some “homemade” packs of worn women’s underwear into the machine.

After being caught red-panty-handed via security camera, Jeremiah was promptly reprimanded, stripped of his Xerox credentials, and escorted out of the building.

“I studied abroad in Tokyo last semester. I thought this was a big part of the Japanese culture,” Jeremiah Hoffstetter told The Inner Loop in an exclusive interview. “Did you know there are also machine’s with worn women’s shoes too? I just wanted them to know we GET IT you know…”

Xerox executives say they’re embarrassed over the incident and plan to make it up to their new Fujifilm owners by throwing a “traditional Japanese party” which will include sake, sushi, and “something called hentai?”

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Xerox Merges With FugeesFilm, Announce Wyclef Jean & Lauryn Hill As Dual CEOs

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ROCHESTER, NY – While other “news” sources are talking about the $6.1 billion deal Fujifilm cut with Xerox Corp to take it over, The Inner Loop has received insider information the former Rochester giant will also be merging with lesser known company FugeesFilm.

Xerox believes this move to partner with Fuji and The Fugees will not only help them expand into the Asian-Pacific Market but also into the lucrative early 90s hip-hop music fan base.

Wycelf Jean and Lauryn Hill will lead the transition of the new Fugees Xerox joint venture. What will the business be doing? Making copies of “fire” mix tapes. “Xerox knows copies and we know music,” said new CEO Lauryn Hill. “It’s a perfect relationship!”

The new venture will have odd office hours because the other new CEO Wycelf Jean “can’t work a 9 to 5.” Rochester looks forward to it’s official start date sometime in November since Wycelf will be “gone till” then while learning business strategies. In the meantime, he invites all new Xerox co-workers to “give a kiss to my motha.”

 

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Dog Owner Excited for Snow and Not Picking Up Dog Poop Another Week

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ROCHESTER, NY – The shit has been piling up for Stacey Clark. Literally. One of the only parts of winter she enjoys is letting her Golden Retriever Rosco have his way with the backyard and not having to clean up after him.

“The key is to pick it up right before Spring” says Ms. Clark. “You want to get to it when the snow is thawed enough to see the landmines but cold enough to keep it frozen stiff. If you let it sit out too long in the sun you got yourself a mess.”

Donald McRonald of the Fertilizer Adaptation Rochester Tilling Society (F.A.R.T.S.) says that “dog poop is great for your garden!” McRonald claims that if you compost the poop before putting in your garden, it can kill toxic bacteria it contains that is harmful to humans.

After the interview, Donald gave The Inner Loop some Tomato Sauce he made from ingredients in his garden. If you would like some let us please write to us at TheInnerLoop@AOL.com. It pairs well with a merlot and a doctors appointment.

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Local Man Hopes Jack White “Doesn’t Get #MeToo’d” Until After Rochester Tour Date

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ROCHESTER NY – The #MeToo movement has brought sweeping changes and firings in the entertainment industry. However, the music industry has been relatively untouched by the movement. This makes Jack White fan Thomas Clarkson of Greece NY very nervous.

“I am very supportive of the #MeToo movement and I hope all these sex monsters rot in hell,” says Mr. Clarkson.

“But… listen… all I am saying is…. you know… I had Louis C.K. tickets. I don’t want to get screwed over again” Clarkson continued.

Back in 2015, Jack White announced an indefinite hiatus from performing live. Which is why the news that he would be putting out a new album and hitting the road again in 2018 blew his fans away.

But what was even more surprising was that White would be making a stop at the Dome Arena in Henrietta in June.

“I am not implying Jack White has done anything wrong, by any means he seems like a really good guy” Clarkson stammered. “I mean, wasn’t he banging his sister or something in the White Stripes?”

This long standing rumor is of course false. Meg White, the drummer of the now defunct band was not his sister. She was his wife and Jack took his wife’s surname.

It was not until later in his career that Jack White was in a band where he was sleeping with his siblings. That band was The Raconteurs who notably would all make-out on stage with one another after playing ‘Steady, As She Goes.’

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Amazon: Rochester Unqualified For HQ2 But Eligible For Free Shipping On Orders Over $25

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ROCHESTER, NY – This week Amazon announced the 20 Cities that still remain in the running to get their new headquarters; HQ2.

Rochester teamed up with Buffalo to create a joint proposal for the potential Amazon location but failed to make the cut losing out to:

  1. Atlanta
  2. Austin, Texas
  3. Boston
  4. Flavortown
  5. King’s Landing
  6. Gotham
  7. Gangster’s Paradise
  8. Halloween Town
  9. Mordor
  10. The Neverland Ranch
  11. The Hotel That Donald Trump Got Pee’d On
  12. The Island from Lost
  13. Narnia
  14. That forest where Avatars bang
  15. The Neighborhood of Make-Believe
  16. District 9
  17. Planet Hollywood
  18. Candyland
  19. Toontown
  20. Manitowoc County

“How the shit are we going to compete with Flavortown!” said one frustrated local official.

While it’s disappointing that the Rochester area will not get close to 50,000 new full-time jobs that come with HQ2, it’s more upsetting that we will also not get all the other perks that come with adding Amazon.

For example in Seattle where the original headquarters is located, residents enjoy access to things not available in other parts of the United States. Including Drone Delivery, Alcohol shipping, and Jeff Bezos is known to go to local schools to beat the shit out of bullies.

Amazon also offers benefits to the less fortunate providing 5 story houses to the homeless made out of recycled cardboard boxes.

The shipping giant did, however, offer the City of Rochester free shipping on orders over $25 as a consolation for all of their hard work and continued disappointment in being an area where businesses go to die.

 

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World’s First Tide Pods Food Truck Coming To Rochester

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ROCHESTER NY – You might want to get your spot in line for the first Public Market Food Truck Rodeo today!

Tide announced that they will be rolling out the world’s first Tide Pod Food Truck right here in Rochester, NY.

Inspired by the Viral Tide Pod Challenge where millennials go on Youboob, Myface, or Whatevertheshit, to share a video of themselves eating the mysteriously delicious looking laundry packs, the company has decided to “lean in.”

“At first we told them not to eat them. We even got Rob Gronkowski to tell them to stop. But it only made them eat more. So we just said screw it, if they’re going to put them in their mouth, we might as well capitalize” said Johnathon Proctor.

When we asked the Proctor and Gamble subsidiary if the Pods (Known on the street as Tropical Raviolis) they will serve out of the food truck will be safe, they shrugged and told us “does it even matter.”

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Bruises & PTSD at Wholesale Prices: Chaos at Sam’s Club Going-Out-Business Sale

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ROCHESTER, NY – When Sam’s Club abruptly closed 63 stores nationwide and announced sweeping layoffs, many customers were angered. However, many more customers knew this would be an opportunity to let their cheap flag fly because the pending going out of business sale would be “Dope.”

Locally, the Sam’s Club stores in Greece and Henrietta will be shut down permanently, and Rochester’s chintziest members are lining up in droves to pick at the carcass of the Wholesale supplier before it’s official mercy killing on January 26.

During peak shopping times, it’s estimated that the line to get into Rochester’s Hottest New Club will cost you 90 minutes of your life to get

“I had to fight a few elderly women, but I was able to walk away with a months worth of toilet paper for only $28” says Cindy Borglish who was loading 10 bulk packages of TP into her Ford Fiesta.

We crunched the numbers, with 36 rolls coming to a package, that means Ms. Borglish is basically telling us she uses 360 rolls of toilet paper a month? Is she running a commune or is she taking the world’s worst dumps? We will write a follow-up soon because clearly, this is the bigger story.

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KodakCoin Offering Laid-Off Workers Rare Second Chance to Lose Everything

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ROCHESTER, NY – KodakCoin, Kashminers, Blockchain, Cryptocurrency, are just a few of the words being thrown around Rochester this week after one of the cities namesake companies announced they were creating their own bitcoin.

“I have no idea what bitcoin is but I heard it gets you rich, so I am going all-in,” said Bob Lewis, a former Kodak employee who was laid-off in the late 90s.

Mr. Lewis is just one of the many former Kodak employees hoping to cash in on the film companies announcement that has made their stocks nearly triple.

“When they laid me off, I lost everything, but there is no way this can happen again right? They say lightning doesn’t strike twice so there’s no way bankruptcy can strike twice too right!” said the laid-off Kodak worker. He’s planning to remortgage his house to pay for the rental fees required to use the Kodak Kashminer to mine Kodakcoin.

A decision that is both confusing and in no way will ever actually work.

We asked our youngest Innerloop employee what the f*** bitcoin is, and how it works, and she told us “please stop assuming because I am young that I understand any new technology thing.”