ROCHESTER, NY – After postponing the first three games of the season due to weather the Rochester Red Wings have now made history by starting their season undefeated.
We have not fact checked this but we’re pretty sure this is the longest the Red Wings have gone without losing a game. It’s probably not right, but it feels true.
ROCHESTER, NY – Rochester experienced Wind gusts at near hurricane-level strength yesterday which caused damage to buildings, accidents on the roads, and for most garbage cans to disappear.
Waste Management told InnerloopBlog.com that in 90% of cases the garbage can that blew away will be spotted in a neighbors yard within a few days. “In the other 10% of cases though we find that the Garbage Can has used the windstorm as their chance to escape and start a new life with a new family” said WM Manager Todd Smegory.
The Uschold Family in Greece is part of the 10%. Their receptacle was found in the South Wedge outside of Lux smoking a Clove Cigarette and wearing a fedora.
ROCHESTER, NY – This week all five of Papa John’s Rochester locations closed and in one last “F** YOU” to their loyal customers they dumped the entirety of their Garlic Butter Sauce reserves into the Genesee River.
Stanley Yelnats of the Environmental Protection Agency Rochester Division told InnerLoopBlog.com “this will have a major impact on or fish and wildlife…. A MAJORLY TASTY IMPACT!” He proceeded to bite into the belly of a fish just like that one scene with smeagol in Lord of the Rings. “Everything taste like Garlic Butter now! This is will be a new Renaissance for Rochester!”
The City of Rochester is already planning close the dam permanently and allow all residents to scoop out as much of the golden goodness as their arteries can take. “This is a game changer for the annual Taste Of Rochester event! We can just dip our Chicken Fingers right in the River!” said Event Coordinator Stacey Borgen.
When we reached out to Papa John’s for comment the sent back that picture of Drunk Papa John and a notice that the company has officially changed their slogan to “Better Ingredients, Better Pizza, Better GTFO of Rochester!”
Rochester, NY – Outside of Tommy’s Steakhouse there is a sign with big bold letters that reads: “EAT 15 PLATES OF MASHED POTATOES AND GET YOUR FACE ON OUR TATER HOG HALL OF FAME!”
Unfortunately, Carl Bottsford of Irondequoit did not see it before he sat at his table for one.
Mr. Bottsford’s first divorce finally went through this week and in an effort to “eat his feelings” Carl decided to drown himself in creamy, delicious, mashed potatoes.
“When I was feeling sad, my mom would make me my favorite food, mashed potatoes. She isn’t with us anymore but the Mashy Tate-tates at Tommy’s are the closest I could find to her recipe” Carl told InnerLoopBlog.com.
“We set the 15 Plate of Potatoes eating contest years ago because we never thought anyone would would want to eat that much. We’ve even had some fat irishmen in here that have failed” said Tommy of Tommy’s Steakhouse racistly.
After eating 22 total plates of Mashed Potatoes, Carl Bottsofrd has his picture taken by the restaurant staff while they sang their celebratory “You’re A Tater Hog!” song.
“It was embarrassing” said Mr. Bottsford. “I have been eating gallons of taters at home now due to anxiety it has caused me.”
ROCHESTER, NY – “The station literally goes from being played by four fraternities to every crappy bar. Our servers can’t take that amount of bagpipe” said Pandora’s Chief Technology Officer John Thamos.
March 17th is St. Patricks Day or as it’s known in Rochester as Parade Day or “Hey did they guy just throw up on that other guy?” Day. To set the Irish mood local bars like to slap a Four-Leafed clover with Bud Light logos on their windows, add some green dye to their PBR’s, and set their Pandora station to Dropkick Murphy’s.
“Celtic punk rock is the scientifically the worst music for your health” Dr. Tex Rillerson told Innerloop Blog. “Having bagpipes makes your subconscious think of Braveheart making you sad which triggers to drink more. This is added to the annoyance drinking triggered by having any man wearing a kilt in your peripheral. It’s truly a wonder more livers don’t fail on St. Patrick’s Day.”
ROCHESTER, NY – It’s one of the most satisfying feelings during the cold Rochester Winter but is it destroying your car?
A man from Pittsford kicked the “snowberg” out of his wheel well and his entire car just “like-f***ing fell apart.”
Just like we do with any of our car related issues, we called our Dad to check to see if it’s true that kicking the snow out from your tire is bad for your vehicle. Our Dad told us “we’re so disappointed in you and how you’ve turned out. Please stop calling us, it hurts too much.”
So I guess it’ll remain a mystery?
Rochester, NY – NASA Satellites are confirming that all of Rochester’s potholes have now combined into one “superhole” a category that has formerly been reserved for craters on Mars and some of the more promiscuous Kardashians.
Scientists are unsure what this means for Rochester’s future but speculate that when Lake Ontario floods Edgemere Drive again this year that is might seep into the new Superhole and create a nice stagnant murky water pool for children to play in.
Rochester, NY – Teacher Appreciation week is a few months out, but it is never too early to start thinking about gifts to give that special educator in your life. Teachers do so much for our children, and often times it’s a thankless job. In the wake of the tragedy in Parkland, Florida, Trump and Fox News have another job for our wonderful teachers; armed militia member. So apparently, stopping mass shootings is on them now too. Why not, right? I guess your children’s teachers are going to be strapped to the teeth, and honestly, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. So here at the Inner Loop, we have complied five wonderful firearm accessories to give to your teacher, because again, Republicans want them to carry guns.
Last week the Tonight Show Star Jimmy Fallon was spotted partying it up at Mulconry’s Irish Pub and Restaurant which is exciting if you’re a big fan of SNL or Fever Pitch.
But if you’re a fan of The Daily Show before it was good or The Late Late Show before it was g̶o̶o̶d̶ whatever it is now, we have another big Rochester cameo for you!
We have received rumors on the InnerLoopBlog Tipster Line that Former Host Craig Kilborn has been hanging out at Lux and has a new job. Selling cocaine!
It seems Craig has gone from putting smiles on people’s faces to putting them up their nose.
ROCHESTER, NY – God is apologizing to all creation as she found that 10 years worth of “thought & prayers” from shootings have been going directly into her spam folder.
“My G-Mail account must have marked them as junk since there is so many all the time. G-Mail stands for God Mail by the way. I don’t trust Google with my info” God told The Inner Loop Blog.
It’s hard to let God slide on this one (or for pain, suffering, and the ‘Cash Me Outside’ girl) but we can understand how there could be a mix up. We spoke to The Inner Loop’s technology expert Sebastian Thomas. Sebastian is one of our writer’s nephews that got the job because he seems hip and “in-touch” with internets.
Sebastian mansplained to us that the sheer volume of “thought & prayers” from a single mass shooting would be enough to trigger God’s spam filter. But when you factor in that there is a mass shooting in America nearly everyday “you might as be mixing together questionable Ham bits with water and starch because that’s the exact recipe for SPAM.”
God hopes to rectify the situation soon but we have doubts.
When the deity was leaving The Inner Loop we noticed both a “Dont Tread On Me” and N.R.A. bumper stickers on her flaming chariot.
