ROCHESTER, NY – The newspaper business is booming again! The Democrat and Chronicle made the switch from printing on the industry standard thin paper made from a combination of recycled matter and wood pulp to two-ply toilet paper.

“It’s perfect. I get to read the news on the toilet like I usually do and I get to wipe my butt with the bad news,” said Tommy Bergeron of Penfield. “Honestly, it’s nice to not have to do the Wegmans run to get more toilet paper now. It’s just delivered to my door at 4:00am by the most depressed guy I’ve ever seen.”

“It’s going to save the world,” says Climate Change Expert Dr. Jennifer Greenhousen. “Instead of printing so much wasteful paper, this switch to Doo-Doo News is now printing the news on something that is easily biodegradable.”