Tag Archives: Movies

Uncategorized

Uncle Can’t Believe Nephew and Black Boyfriend Didn’t Vote For Trump

Leave a comment

Webster, NY – We all knew this turkey day was going to be a challenging one. But our challenges were certainly not met with the same level of difficulty as this small family in Webster NY. Jimmy and Joan Partridge are Webster natives and local racists. They’ve been proudly flying the Trump Pence banner next to a confederate flag on their combination truck bed front porch ever since the president-elect announced his bigoted running mate.

Jimmy Partridge was a level headed working class American that was ready to make America great again. He had seen his way of life undermined and disrespected by the last eight years of ‘tolerance’ and ‘social justice’. But not anymore. Finally people would start paying attention to all of the hard working white men again. To celebrate Jimmy’s new found white male pride, he decided that Thanksgiving day would be at his ‘cottage’ this year. He invited his sister Janice, her son Conor, and her sons fiance Marcus. Although Jimmy does not believe that gay people should get married because it ruins the sanctity of marriage, he and his third wife agree that family is family, and that’s all that matters.

“I was just so happy to have all my family and the people I love around me for Thanksgiving. It’s such a surreal feeling that finally my people will no longer feel marginalized or disrespected,” Partridge said, as he lowered the volume on the Dakota Access Pipeline news story that was happening behind him. “For years I’ve felt like every other group of people has just been given all of these handouts. Free meals and good fortune while I’ve been working for minimum wage. I can barely afford my 2 cartons of cigarettes a week. I’ve been grateful that my 1997 Ford Truck gets 12 miles to the gallon, or else I don’t know how we would’ve survived.”

Jimmy went on to recount his terror when his nephew Conor told him that he and his fiance voted for Hillary. Conor had this to say, “Well I’m upset because I voted for Bernie in the primaries and was definitely not looking forward to voting for Hillary. But Trump seems like such a vapid manipulative megalomaniac that I am still sort of in shock that he won. Even though Hillary did win the popular vote by nearly 2 million votes, I suppose that we as Americans have to come together and try to bond over the next 4 years as well as we can. All we have is each other, you know. I really feel like President Obama did a wonderful job opening up real conversation and discourse so we might be able to continue the conversation of tolerance, even while we have such an opaque figure head leading our country.”

“What a crock of bullshit,” Jimmy went on to say. “To think that I let that ungrateful nobody into my home and fed him my turkey. I don’t have anyone in my family that voted for Killary.” Jimmy then took off his shirt to reveal a swastika tattoo, began to point at his nephew and say “Do you know what this means? Not Welcome.”

 

 

Uncategorized

Cousins Play Riot Police and Indians Before Thanksgiving Dinner

Leave a comment

Pittsford, NY – Cousins Randall Sellars, 9 and Jimmy Peterson, 8, don’t mind the wind chill as they run around the Peterson’s backyard, chasing each other and throwing snowballs. Out of breath and laughing, the duo pauses to think of a new game to play.

“I know, I know,” Randall excitedly shouts, “How about Riot Police and Indians?” Jimmy claps in thrilled agreement, “I’ll be a riot policeman and you be a Standing Rock Protector,” continues Randall.

Randall then picks up a garbage can lid and adorns his head with a tipped over flower pot. Jimmy draws a line in the snow with his foot and stands behind it. The two boys giggle as Randall pegs Jimmy with snowball after snowball. Jimmy, a future actor no-doubt, stays in character and just stands there peacefully.

A knock on the kitchen window gets Jimmy’s attention. He turns to look inside. His mother, Teresa Peterson, 37, signals to him that Thanksgiving dinner is served. Jimmy nods back.

 “It’s time for dinner, I think,” Jimmy says as he turns back to Randall, now holding the garden hose.

Teresa and Barbara Sellers, Randall’s mother laugh as they watch their sons play. Teresa remarks how lucky they are to have kids nowadays who actually like to play outside. Barbara agrees as she finishes setting the table, the brutal irony lost on them both.

Jacob Sellers, Randall’s father, can be heard in the next room shouting, “Woohoo, Touchdown! Go Redskins!”

Uncategorized

Conservationist Leatherface Quits Haunted Hayride Citing Chainsaw CO2 Emissions

Leave a comment

WILLIAMSON, NY – A favorite of the Williamson Haunted Hayride, the Leatherface Chainsaw Guy, quit this week stating “I want to leave this world a better place for future little leatherfaces.”

Leatherface (aka Scary Chainsaw Man) just cannot live with the guilt anymore knowing that as he pretends to cut teenagers into pieces, he is really cutting a gapping wide oozing wound into Mother Nature.

“Dick Chaney (nickname for his chainsaw) is a powerful tool and can’t continue to ignore that it’s unregulated two-stroke engine isn’t doing damage to our planet” says Leatherface (aka “That Guy With The Chainsaw”).

“I have spoken with COCKU (Chainsaw Operating Crazy Killer Union) about making solar-powered electric chainsaw’s the standard in our business but my pleas have fallen on deaf, leather-covered, and often rotten ears.”

The hayride will continue through October but could face a boycott from the Green Party leaning zombies claiming that their make-up includes toxins as well as palm oil which encourages the deforestation of South America and extinction of the Orangutans. Said one zombie “BRAINS!!!!!! Let’s start using them to come up with healthy alternatives for the future of our planet!”

Uncategorized

EXCLUSIVE : Hollywood Confirms Live Action Adaptation of Original Content

Leave a comment

Los Angeles – Well, It’s certainly been a jaw dropping decade of highlighted cinema innovation. Everything from the Fantastic 4 reboot to the Jungle Book and Ghostbusters reboots have captured audiences the same way the original movies did and with only half the effort. Hollywood never ceases to amaze audiences when it comes to taking 30 year old ideas and adding egregious and grandiose amounts CGI and calling them artistic re-imaginings.

We spoke with Paramount Pictures Executive Hunter Fredsberry as he described the creative process that artists have been using to make the perfect 2010s reboot of something that should’ve just been left alone.

“Beneath every great artist’s desk or sitting on their favorite chair is a small hole where ideas come from. Some of the holes are grand and shallow, others are narrow, yet deep. Often when we are rebooting something that should’ve just been left alone, we come across ideas from the hole that make everyone in the office say ‘But, what if we did this’. So naturally, every artist likes to refer to these magical idea holes as our butt holes.”

Fredsberry went on to describe just how monumental his butt hole has been lately in the film industry.

“Such amazing ideas have come out of my butt hole these last few years, and I have to share them with the world. Even if they’re for movies that we don’t have the rights to! When I heard about Jon Favreau’s Jungle Book, my butt hole was puckering out ideas left and right! You know that scene where Baloo and Bagheera fight off like 300 monkeys? Yeah. That came straight from my butt hole.”

Mr. Fredsberry then went on to describe the new ideas that have been recently coming out of his butt hole. He calls them ‘original ideas’.

“To be honest, I wasn’t sure if my butt hole was broken or not. I even had some of the other executives come over and look at my butt hole to see if anything was wrong. These new ideas that came out of my butt hole were things that no one had ever pulled from their butt hole before! Things like, talking dogs, but also with hats! Or having a movie with more practical affects than CGI! My butt hole even gave me the idea to make a funny Tyler Perry movie instead of another culturally blind shock comedy! Everyone in the office was blown away!”

With production already underway and Hunter Fredsberry’s butt hole raw from innovation, it looks like 2017 is going to be another exciting year of cinema magic. Stay on the look out for the Fall 2017 release of Tyler Perry’s : Medeas Big Butt Hole.