ROCHESTER, NY – Tired of only being able to guess if you’re actually on the road during the winter when snow is covering the road markings? A new bill passed in the Rochester Road Safety Office will make it so no street in Rochester has any lines on them.

“We make it through the winter with no rules. Why can’t we make it through Summer?” says Rod Cone the Director of Rochester Road Safety.

“This is just the first step though. We hope to remove all Stop Lights soon as well since they’re the first things to go in Ice Storms. Soon we can go back to the good ol’ days in Rochester with complete chaos in the roads.”

ROCHESTER, NY –  A successful internet startup company from California is thinking of moving to Rochester and Promises to bring hundreds of jobs with it.

And how about this for equality! The CEO says he’s only looking to hire women.

So you’ve matched with someone you kinda sorta find mildly attractive in a weird way on Tinder, awesome!

But wait…where do you go? You’ve already been to every bar on Park Ave, Monroe Ave, and even that one time you thought Murphy’s Law might be okay (it wasn’t). So where do you take this woman you will surely never see again except on another date at one of those bars? The answer is the following 5 places, where you’ll never have to worry about running into a previous date that are all the Wintonaire.

1. Wintonaire — Okay so this place is pretty divey, but it’s on the outskirts of the city and there’s barely anyone there ever because it’s terrible and the parking sucks. It’s pretty much an awful bar with no redeeming qualities but the same could be said about you mister serial dater, so just accept your fate and take your hopeless dates to somewhere that really reflects the true sadness that is meeting people online

2. Wintonaire (again) — Wait What? Wintonaire again? Yes. Just take the next date to Wintonaire too. Who gives a shit? It’s not going to go well, you’re still thinking about why your ex left (it was probably the self hatred) and you don’t even know this chick’s name.

3. Wintonaire — Listen man, this is your 3rd date in 3 days. This chick openly told you her family denies the holocaust. You don’t have to even try to get her to come back to your place. But you wanna get drunk and the drinks aren’t expensive here. Also you’re not even going to try to sleep with her because you just wanna go home and get high. Why’d you do this?

4. Wintonaire — F*** it. 4 dates in 4 days. You have checked out completely. There’s no reason to even date anymore. Pretty sure this one is actually a drag queen. The Wintonaire bartenders now know you as “that guy who keeps coming in with different sadder women.” You go home after and don’t even have the energy to masturbate.

5. Wintonaire — Tell your friends goodbye. Tell them you started online dating as a joke and somewhere along the line you became the punchline and now you’re on your 5th date in 5 days and you can’t even remember what liking someone feels like. You just want to feel anything. You just told this woman how exciting it would have been to die in 9/11. Order the pizza logs, eat them in front of your date while openly crying. Ask for a second date at the Wintonaire.

ROCHESTER, NY – With the backlash in Virginia over every white person in their state using blackface at some point, colleges around the country are scrambling to find controversial photos in their yearbooks.

Upon further review of the class of 1998 yearbook, there are explicit photos of the football team taking team photos in front of Tops, with quarterback Ben Milton brandishing a sign “Dr Tops > Dr W” a clear shot at local legendary grocer Wegmans.

There is talk of a public apology and promises by St John Fisher to cater all events with Danny’s favorite subs and sparkling lemonade.

VATICAN CITY, ITALY – Pope Francis has declared that putting Ketchup on Garbage Plates is sacrilegious. The Pope who has been very progressive on many issues has decided the Rochester staple cannot be compromised from its original form.

“That’s like if Jesus turned water into wine, handed you the glass, and you added ketchup to it,” said The Pope to a room of confused Italians who have never had a Garbage Plate in their life.

The Pope later went on the say that if you get Cole Slaw instead on Mac Salad on your plate that Satan has a special room for you where you play Snakes & Ladder with Hitler and Harambe for all of eternity.

ROCHESTER, NY – Faced with the recent cold snap, which plunged the air temperature down to a dangerous -24 degrees Fahrenheit after wind chill, scientists from the University of Rochester have undertaken an emergency research project to accelerate global warming, the University announced late Thursday night.

“Current models predict a 2 degree Celsius increase in global average temperature by 2020, which should frankly alarm everyone,” visibly shivering postdoctoral researcher Lydia van der Horst told us in an interview. “That’s far too slow; we’re looking to get at least 5 degrees by the end of 2019.”

The researchers are drawing up plans for a coal plant of unprecedented scale. The energy produced by the coal plant will then be used to break apart old carbon deposits in the soil, further polluting the atmosphere to trap heat and avoid more winters like this one.

In addition to the coal plant, other teams are working on accelerating global warming with a combination of pro-driving social campaigns, international shipping incentives for the world’s top exporters, and something called “hyper-beef”.

“If global warming continues like this unaided,” Dr. van der Horst warned, “we may keep seeing winters like this, over and over. Everyone needs to do their part: eat more meat, drive bigger cars, and leave your lights on. Our future is at stake.”

ROCHESTER, NY – A new study conducted by the Swiss Miss University of Switzerland Missouri confirmed that people who use water for hot cocoa when milk is an option are more likely to be psychopaths.

“We noticed a correlation between how little these people cared about their taste buds and how little they cared for the feelings of others” said Dr. Madeup Doctornameman. “As it turns out, if you prefer using tasteless water to make wet chocolate you scored just as high as Jeffrey Dahmer on the psycho scale.”

ROCHESTER, NY – An average Rochester resident will go through 2,000,000 gallons of Window Washing Fluid every winter. But what if we told you there is a growing movement of uneducated chemists working on window washing fluid recipes.

“We’re working on different kinds of WWFs” says Ron Grundell of Fairport. “We’ve got some you can drink, some you can vape, and I am working on one that is super thick for no reason!”

Rochester, NY – Todd and Kathy from Webster were surprised to find out the snowman they let inside to warm up with soup turned out to be a murderer on the run and not their son Connor that they let outside to play in the snow.

“It’s a classic mixup,” says Officer John Graddy. “Ever since that 90s soup commercial, we have had thousands of reports of people allowing snowmen into their homes to warm up, only to find out they’re escaped prisoners on the lamb”

The Inner Loop Blog warns all Monroe County Residents to double-check the snowmen you allow into your homes, and also reminds everyone to remove whatever hat they happen to be wearing to see if they have a “Frosty” situation.