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Rochester Time Square Building to be Renamed Trump Square Building in Celebration of Primary Results

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Rochester NY – If there’s anything Donald Drumpf loves more than winning primaries, it’s putting his name on stuff. After the registered sociopath and Presidential hopefuls glorious display in the New York closed primaries, he has decided to wave his magic gold wand and legally declare all of New York state ‘Drumpfland’. Local Drumpfians were a wonderful mix of aghast and in astonished aww as our new commanding overlords began branding all of New York’s beautiful architecture with the ‘Drumpf’ trademark and dusting all of the states population and ground belongings in a soft gold paint.

Downtown Rochester has officially been renamed ‘Drumpftopia’ by our magnificent leader. By the end of the week every building from Charlotte to Canandaigua will bear the Drumpf logo and every street will be painted “The best color of gold you can ever see. It’s Drumpf Gold,” to quote our lord and commander.

Many liberal try-hards spoke out against Emperor Drumpf, questioning the legality of Drumpfed acquisition of Drumpfland. Those losers were of course, never heard from again.

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Lilac Festival Announces Cultural Appropriation Awareness Booth

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Rochester, NY – Mary Costner, the Director of Cultural Studies and Understanding at the University of Rochester, is excited to announce a brand new cultural appropriation curriculum coming to the University this fall. She plans to debut a watered down curriculum for a group of lucky participants at the Lilac Festival in May.

“After the events of that one chick being a total bitch at San Fransisco State, and some ginger woman becoming the leader of the Washington State NAACP, I felt it was my civic duty as a White American female to teach other ethnicities what white culture is and why they shouldn’t do it.” Costner said, while holding her trademark ‘Costner for Starbucks’ mug and wearing her ‘White Woman Only’ The North Face sweater. It became very clear early in our interview that Costner was unaware of the fact that she herself was actually an African American, and seemed to hold on to what could be seen as ‘white culture’ with as much respect and confusion as Hillary Clinton holding on to Bills phallic member.

“I realized that if so many people want to preserve their culture, then they need to stop doing as us white people do and learn to love their heritage again, by force.” Mary said, while signaling toward the trove of machines and what could only be described as medieval torture devices that lay beneath her tent. “You see, using Pavlovian methods of association, I will teach woman of non-white cultures that doing things like reaching for John Greene novels and not having corn-roles in their hair, will eventually cause them as much pain as they cause their ancestors.”

 

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An Open Letter to People Writing Open Letters

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Stop It. For the love of God, please. I know it’s you Carol. I know that it is you writing all of these open letters because Devon left you. But Jesus Christ woman, get a grip. All of your stories are awful, and they don’t make sense. Between “An Open Letter to My Absentee Dad” to “An Open Letter to My Over Protective Father” I can tell that you have as big of a problem with continuity as Donald Trump has with Mexicans – you know it’s around, so you offensively disregard it anyway.

Do us all a favor, close your MacBook and leave whatever Starbucks you are over infesting with your patchouli scented book bag and your cis-normative femscum bullshit. Go back to your whatever Ann Coulter novel is ‘speaking to you’ this month and leave us alone.

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Pittsford Paranormal Investigator Survives Her Second Near Fatal Car Crash, Remains Adamantly ‘Not At Fault’

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Rochester, NY- When Jennifer Landis was 21 years old the spirit of a familiar but evil presence possessed her while she was driving southbound on route 590. She told police that the car filled with the aroma of a distillery and her vision began to blur; as she lost control of the wheel and veered into the left lane, hitting the guard rail and swerving back into traffic. Jennifer told police at the scene that this was her first supernatural experience, and from that day on she would devote her life to investigating the paranormal.

“I felt groggy and dizzy,” Ms. Landis said, referring to the accident 20 years ago. “I was driving home after partying, I mean… uh… studying at a friends house and I became overrun with the urge to cry over an empty pint of ice cream and call all of my ex boyfriends”.

Jennifer Landis built her long standing paranormal career after this terrifying experience. She has investigated hundreds of paranormal claims throughout Western New York with an astounding record of absolutely zero supernatural activity. That is, until late Saturday night when she was again returning home from a friends house and she lost control of her car for the second time.

Police Officer and Skeptic Prick Craig Downs was hesitant to believe her story, however. He honestly believed that Jennifer was under the influence of alcohol and lying to police about having supernatural abilities, like a skeptic prick.

“[Jennifer] was clearly driving while intoxicated”, said the prick. “She stumbled out of her car screaming ‘I’m psychic bitch, don’t touch me’. She could barely stand, the car reeked of alcohol, and when I asked her to take a field sobriety test she just kept saying ‘can’t, too possessed’ and ‘not at fault, bitch. You can’t touch this'”.

The skeptic prick went on to say “I mean, how f***ing gullible are you people”.

No one will ever know what happened to Jennifer on those terrifying nights. All we can say is, f*** that skeptic prick.

 

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Fairport Musician Tries Marijuana Again After 30 years, ‘Totally Gets’ Sons Obsession with Jack Antinoff

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It was a regular day for Jack Denning, father and former lead singer in Rochester 80s punk band ‘The CaddiDaddis.’ He was tuning up is signature 1985 Fender Telecaster when he found a joint in his the case and decided to break his near 31 year T-break.

After much consideration, Jack tried to connect with his son by playing his favorite Bleachers album, ‘Strange Desire’.

“I just didn’t understand why people cared about all of his bands” Jack said referring to Antinoffs prominent musical pedigree. “They’re catchy and all, but that autotune stuff and over producing was a real draw back for me.”

Eleven minutes into Jacks ‘Bleachers and chill’ sesh,

‘I Wanna Get Better’ comes on the vinyl machine; and something magical happens.

“I had never thought to listen to them high before,” he said. “After the song ended I looked at my song in tears and said ‘You know what Travis,I totally get it now. I WANT to get better’.”